It's Been A While

It's kind of hard to put into words the past year.  Too many milestones, events all that jazz have happened.  And since I've mentioned numerous times how neglected this poor blog is, well it is no surprise that it's been well, neglected for the past year.

See, I thought I would be able to write down all those cute little anecdotes, sayings, events here in this blog and be able to go back and read it years from now and say, "Oh, I remember that!"  And I will, because I wrote some of it down here.  But, as they say, life happens.  And I'll be honest, I've been too busy living in that life to sit down and write about it.

I have to tell you that I did have plans to sit down and write a catchy little blog post after my kids were blissfully tucked into bed.  I could sit down with a nice glass of wine or even a cup of coffee, relax and write about the things on my mind, what occurred during the day/week or even just to brag about my kid a little!  But seriously?  Who the hell am I kidding?  When I put my darlings, and they really are by the way, blissfully to bed, I too am headed to my bed.  I'm wiped out.  I might have 20 minutes in me to read a little, but that is about it.  To actually sit down and write out a blog post? HAHAHAHAHA yeah, right.  I'm way too brain fried for that.  Not in a bad way either.  So please don't think that I'm saying I'm so exhausted from my children that I can't function longer than 20 minutes after they go to bed.  I am exhausted from living this wonderful life.  A life with my best friend, our two awesome kids, my dad and my brother.  I love this kind of exhausted!

Big C and Little C are doing great.  I know it sounds cliche, but I am so blessed....really!  I deal with the fear, that I'm sure nearly all parents deal with, that I'm not doing something right.  That my kids won't grow up to be good, decent, moral individuals who can think for themselves and choose to do the right thing, no matter the situation.  These are the years that are so impressionable.  I am their example of...well lots of things.  What a human being should be, a woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister.  I am their role model.  The person they will choose to emulate and try to become like.  At least for now I am.  That is a huge responsibility.  Little eyes watch me all the time.  I'm not perfect, at all.  I'm like....really, really far from perfect.  So they are already getting a flawed perception of what to strive for.  But I do go to bed at night wondering if I gave them a good example.  If I was a positive role model that day.  Can I do better tomorrow?

And sure, I'd love to write about what runs through my mind. Except, I'm too tired from trying to put those thoughts into action each day.  So while I won't be winning any blog awards or burning up the web with millions of followers waiting with baited breath for the next installment of my life, I will stop here occasionally and write stuff down.  It might not be stuff you want to read about...but hey, it's my blog so neener, neener, neener!  If you are OK with me just blowing in every now and again and jotting something down, then I'm A-OK with you reading it every now and again.

So what have we been up too?  Well.....

Big C is now in kindergarten.  Hard to believe.  I cried on the first day of school when he climbed on the bus.  Like...ugly cried.  And I cried again on the second day too.  And...I still longingly watch the bus at it pulls away everyday.  Don't judge me.

He is also learning martial arts and he's doing really well with it.  So this happened.....

He earned his green belt the end of September.  He will be a green belt for a minimum of 4 months.  He has a lot to learn during that time.  But, I have faith in him.  I absolutely love watching him practice martial arts.  It has really helped him learn to think for himself.


Little C is in PreK.  I also cried, on the same day, just a few hours later when the bus picked her up and took her off to school.  So that is 2 ugly cries in one day for me.  Not a record, but impressive nonetheless.  I stare longingly as her bus pulls away everyday too.  She is also learning martial arts.  She isn't as excited about it as Big C, but she always has fun while she is there.  So this just happened with her........

She has now earned her Distinguished Senior stripes on her white belt.  She looks excited doesn't she?  She wasn't.  I kept telling her to smile.  That was the best she could muster.  I have a love/hate relationship with watching her during practice.  She is 4, so she is still in that rainbows, glitter, unicorns pooping skittles, twirling around and not paying attention phase.  Sometimes I'd like nothing more than to run out onto the floor and tell her to knock it off and pay attention, but of course, I can't.  So, I just cover my eyes, like I'm watching a scary movie (although I totally don't do that with movies, I love scary movies!) and peek at her through my fingers.  Sometimes, she really surprises me!


Oh yeah....this also happened...........

 No, you don't need to adjust your screen.  You don't need your glasses either.  That is K, also taking martial arts!  He decided that not only would it be fun, good to learn and benefit his health, but that now he and the kids have one more thing they can do together!  He just earned his white belt the end of November.  I am super proud of all of them!  This is my crew!  My clan!  My family! I love them!  And this is why I'm so tired!  That my friends, is the best feeling.

So how about you?  Have you thought you wished you had more time to do something, but found you were so busy living life that you just never got to it?  Were you OK with that, or were you disappointed?  Why did you feel that way?

School Days

I don't write on this blog much, so forgive the massive gaps in time.  But the whole reason I even started was to write down experiences that I have with my children and life with them.  Which is awesome.  But sometimes there are those little tidbits that I like to share with others.

Big C started Pre-K this year.  He was in the 3 year old program last year, loved it and did an amazing job.  This year, Little C is in the 3 year program.  Little C is my firecracker.  Those teachers have their work cut out for them, trust me.  She's not a bad child, but she is ornery and mischievous.  She's also loving, sweet and a just an all around gem.  Her giggles and belly laughs are simply infectious!  She does have her ways, however.

Today was Big C's 2nd day, and Little C's first day.  If you know Little C at all, you will know that she has a favorite hat.  Its a Boonie hat.  She wears it All. The. Time.  So she naturally asked me this morning if she could wear her hat to school.  I told her no.  I told her that she didn't want to make the mistake of losing it at school or getting something on it and ruining it.  She was sad but recovered quickly and went on with our morning routine.  Here she is wearing her hat.

Little C in Her Favorite Hat

After giving the kids their vitamins, doling out drinks before we leave and making sure I have all the forms to be turned in to the teacher, we head out the door.  I sweep Little C into my arms and into her car seat, fasten her in and listen to the excited chatter of both my angels as I turn the key and roll out.  I remind them of their manners and of being a good friend to the other children in their class.  We go over sharing and taking turns and to remember to listen to their teachers.  I take Big C to his class, he gives me a huge hug and kiss and scampers off into his class to play with a few of his friends from last year.  I then take Little C over to her room and before we even get there she makes a bee line for the room.  She's so excited, its really cute.  I hand the teaching assistant the forms and pop my head into the room.  Little C is sitting down at the table putting a puzzle together.  I ask her, "Hey?!  Where is my hug?!"  She jumps up, bounces over and hugs me tight before racing back to her seat and the puzzle.

I come home.  And cry.  Then I call my best friend, Cheer.  We talk about first days and how its normal to miss them and be lonely.  Because I am.  Like, really lonely.  Both of them are at school this year.  So the house is empty.  I used to at least have Little C when Big C was at school!  I chat with Cheer for a bit and before I know it, pick up time rolls around.  I can't wait.  I've missed them so much. I jump in the car and head over to the school.  I get there early.

As I pull into the lot and park, I can see the playground, but not very well.  I can make out a child in purple (pretty sure that one is mine) and watch them all playing for a few minutes.  I'm hoping mine is behaving.  I see the teachers calling the children together to cross the parking lot and walk back over to the school classrooms. I can see Mrs. S has Little C's hand as they begin to walk across the lot, but...this child is wearing a hat.  I thought to myself, 'That little stinker found a hat in the dress up bin similar to hers and adopted it as her own...man she is clever!'

After a few minutes the door unlocks and all the parents go inside to pick up their children.  I get to Little C's classroom first and her teacher calls out to her to come to the door.  Mrs. S then tells me that my daughter had a hat stuffed inside of her shirt so she let her wear it today and that it was fine if she wanted to wear her hat to school.  I looked her, pretty incredulously I might add.  But...I made her leave it home.  Just then Little C bounded out of the room, wearing her hat.  The hat I told her she couldn't take to school.  The hat she stuffed under her clothes, smuggled into school and did not pull out until she was certain I was not around.

Big C & Little C on Her 1st Day of School - With Her Hat

Imma have to watch this one! *wink*

-MoM-

Sixteen Years

Today.  This is the day I lost my very best friend, my rock, my inspiration, my reason, my world...my Mother.  Sometimes, it doesn't seem like that much time has passed.  The hurt as fresh and raw as that very morning.  Ever since that day, I've never been able to "get past" my feeling of profound loss.  Everyone told me, time heals.  I'm here to tell you that it absolutely does not.  It does not heal, but it changes.  It changes the way you feel, how you perceive how you embrace and deal with the pain and loss.

Let me see if I can explain this a little better.  When my mother left this world to be with Jesus my world collapsed around me.  Everything I ever knew was gone.  I had my brother and my father and extended family, yes.  But the core of my everyday life was gone.  The weight of that was terrifying.  I was confused, scared and not sure how I was going to be able to survive.  All of that was mingled with utter loss.  I'd never felt so empty.  Never had I experienced such a deep and resounding loss.  Hollow, so hollow for that first day all I did was echo what others said to me while never really listening.  The person I loved the most in all of the world was never coming back.  There was also anger and betrayal.  Not at my mother, but at those caring for her.  How could they let this happen?  Didn't they understand she was someone's wife, mother, sister?  What was she just another body in a hospital bed?  A complicated medical case that no one wanted to deal with? A bother, inconvenience?  Betrayed by God.  I prayed all the time for Him to make her better.  From the time she first got sick when I was just 6 years old.  Doesn't God listen to a child's prayers?  I sat and prayed over her through the night for days while I sat by her bed in the hospital...it was all for nothing wasn't it?  How could He have done this?  How could He take her from me?

That paragraph up there is a whole lot of ugly.  I still feel the anger.  I will always harbor that until the day I die because I know in my heart the truth.  I know how complicated my mother was viewed as being.  That is one thing that has not healed, lessened, changed with time.  But the other things have changed...a lot.  Only time can let you see a tragedy in such a perspective.  So what has time changed?

Thanks be to God, I still have my father and my brother.  Back then I realized that my mother did raise me.  I was still at home, still going to college but I was 21.  Even though I didn't think I could survive, she taught me everything I needed to know.  I took over paying bills, managing a household...even breeding/showing the dogs & horses.  I will say it was a bit harsh because even though I knew how and had watched my mother do these things, I never had the luxury of just picking up the phone and calling her to make sure I had done things right.  If I did something wrong, I dealt with the consequences and learned from those mistakes.

The loss.  That...well that never goes away.  Sometimes, I think it gets worse depending on where you are in your life.  For me, any accomplishment, goal, milestone I reach in my life...that profound loss returns because she is not there to witness it.  Like a diamond it has multiple facets.  There is nothing her absence does not touch.  My first real job, being able to give me advice or words of wisdom.  Meeting my boyfriend/fiancee/husband, having girl talk and reassuring my heart on things when I was scared or hormonal.  My wedding, helping me plan it out, to be there when I walked down the aisle with the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with.  My pregnancies, to bask in the sheer joy and talk about everything baby!  Names and colors and to daydream about who he/she will look like from our family.  The birth of my children.  I think that has been one of the most difficult.  Not just wishing she was there for the actual birth.  But to be able to have 3 generations all together.  To have her to ask questions since babies certainly don't come with instructions.  When I struggled with my emotions and frustrations.  When I really could have used her comfort and wisdom when I was dealing with PPD.  With Big C's colic and Little C's reflux went full tilt, her advice would have been invaluable.  Did I have colic, or did my brother?  Things that she alone knew about raising her children, she wasn't able to pass on to me, because she wasn't here any longer.  Every little thing my children do, reminds me of her.  First smiles, first words, first steps, first birthdays.  Accomplishments, first day of pre school, Big C's martial arts classes, cute things they say or do.  How they hug each other and say, "I love you!"  How they fight like my brother and I did do.  How she would have been an amazing grandmother.  How much she would have loved them, and how they would adore her.  If you follow and read this blog at all, you'll see how her absence comes up in the most mundane or simple things...like last month's Grandmother's Luncheon.  When thinking of or planning future events with my children, I think of her and I miss her dearly, wishing that she could be here to experience them with us.  The loss my friends....time never heals...it only changes.  I still miss her on my own.  I am still reminded of how much I miss her, what her arms felt like around me, the sound of her laughter, her angry face, her beautiful singing...everything that I have been missing for the last 16 years.

Betrayal.  God had forsaken me.  Time does change that perspective.  I know now it was my pain crying out, desperately wanting someone, something to blame because this just wasn't supposed to happen.  Yes, it happens to other people, but not me!  Certainly not me!  It took a while before I understood exactly where my mother went, who she is with and why.  I realized that all those years I spent praying for God to make my mother better weren't wasted.  Because instead of taking her right then, He did make her well.  No, not healed, but well enough to continue to be with me for another 15 years until He couldn't wait any longer.  He did that for ME.  He put off the inevitable because I asked Him to.  Up until that very moment she left me, as I laid in bed holding her.  I asked Him not to let her suffer, to come for her and take her with Him gently and quietly.  And He did.

Sometimes, when I look at the big picture, I can see God's handiwork.  The loss of my mother left me very lonely.  It pretty much forced me to meet and talk to people.  Both people from my past, and those brand new.  If my Mom hadn't gone with the Lord when she did, I probably would not have met my husband, which means I would never have had my children.  I really don't know how life would be now.  I like to think I'd have taken a similar path and that I still would have the life I do now, only with her still in it.  But who is to say?  Only God and my mother know why things turned out the way they did.  I still grieve for her.  I miss her so, so much.  I want my children to know the kind of person their grandmother was, so I tell them about her often.  I do my best to remember things I heard as a child that are specific only to our family so that my children will teach them to their children one day and we will live on through them.  So to end this entry, I'll leave you with a little song that my Grandmother wrote while mourning the loss of her own mother when she was just 19 years old.

One night while I was sleeping,

My sisters at my side.

I heard a voice from Heaven,

"Your dearest mother has died."

Remember now dear children,

Remember one and all.

For when you lose your mother,

You've lost the best friend of all.

             -- Margaret Lindeman

Why Don't I Have Mom Friends?

I don't know!  I do have friends. No, honest I do!  Well I guess what I'm saying is, I don't have any "mom" friends locally.  Like, at my kid's school and stuff.  I suppose its hard to make friends just because I stand outside the school, every morning and engage in the briefest of idle chatter until the door opens.  I mean I am sociable! All of my friends are people who knew me before I had my babies.  Its making new ones I'm not very good at.

It really kind of hit me today because it is the last day of school for Big C and I've realized that I did not form one relationship with any of the parents at his school.  He is now taking karate classes, and after 2 months, again I've not really established any connections with anyone there.  This is going to trickle down to him sadly.  This will mean very few, if any play dates with his classmates over the summer break.

I'm feeling like a pretty sucky mom right now.  I know the issue is me.  Obviously.  I don't seem to have much in common with the other Moms.  I'm older than a lot of them and they have kids older than mine too.  So when they are talking about the kindergarten class at blankety blank elementary school, other moms will hop into the conversation because they also have kids there....and my oldest is only 4!  Perhaps I'm slowing down in my old age and just not as chatty with people as I once was.  I don't even make new friends in the circles I used to make them in all the time.  Times have changed, or perhaps, only I have.  Have you noticed that about yourself?  That say 10 years ago you'd have been social with anyone in an instant, but these days, it seems you have nothing else in common with people?

-MoM-