A Letter to an Earlier Me

Wow!  I am FINALLY getting to participate in a blog hop!  This is my first one so bear with me while I stumble through writing about something I wouldn't have thought to do on my own.


Dear Stacey,

You are 21 and deep in the wallows of grief.  But it will be OK.  You just lost your Momma, your best friend.  I know everyone keeps telling you that she is in a better place now, that she isn't suffering anymore and that time will heal.  And right now, that is so hard to believe.  Mostly because it is pure bullshit.  Time doesn't heal anything.  That wound will forever be there.  You just get used to the pain, that's all.  The next few months are going to be the worst in your life.  But it will get better.

You are going to try to go back to school, but you'll withdraw from classes.  You'll feel alone and you will be sure that you are going to stay that way forever.  Alone.  But I'm going to tell you that you are so wrong.  Because you are going to one day get the balls to buy a computer.  And is the world ever going to open up to you.  You'll meet new people from a lot of places.  Then one night, you will meet...him.  The one that makes your heart kinda race and your stomach do little flip flops.  Don't be scared though.  Self esteem never has been your strong point.  I don't think it is for any fat kid growing up.  You are OK though, you got a thick skin and moved past that.  You're shy though and you still think you are incapable of ever being loved by someone.  That no one could ever find you attractive enough to give a second glance.

He does.  He thinks you are beautiful, smart and ridiculously funny with sometimes a twisted sense of humor.  He won't find out about your potty mouth until a little later.  You will eventually meet him face to face.  It will be awkward, exciting, silly and scary.  However, you'll be glad you took the risk and met him.  You know why?  Because of him, you will get on an airplane for the first time in your life and fly three thousand miles away from home.  The place you've never been away from before.  The views and sights and experiences will be amazing and something you surely will never forget.

Know what else?  He is going to marry you.  The proposal is going to come out a bit...different, you'll both laugh...and cry.  It is going to take time though.  Having a long distance relationship is going to take its toll on both of you.  Those 10 months are going to be agony.  Lots of letter writing, emails and late night chats on the phone.  One night he's going to tell you he found a litter of kittens, 2 days old and near death.  You will coach him on how to get them out of danger and then how to care for them properly.  I kinda hate to break this to you, but he'll be bringing two of those cotton candy long-haired pain in the asses with him.  As an animal lover though, you'll be OK with that, even if you aren't a fan of cats.

I also want you to know that all of those doctors you've been to about your out of control periods, well some were right and some were wrong.  You are going to spend the next 11 years worrying about if you will ever be able to have children.  In about 4 years, it will peak because that is when you are going to get married.  You are going to go from doctor to doctor in hopes of getting a straight answer of what is going on with your reproductive system.  Everyone is going to tell you something different until one day you see a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  He'll tell you he can probably get you pregnant with medicine.  Eventually, you'll find the doctor that you stick with and who will deliver your babies.

What, you say?  Am I serious?  Yes, I am.  You are going to have babies....with an s.  Calm down, they won't be at the same time!  But they will be 14 and a half months apart.  Oh yeah sister, you have your work cut out for you!  But first I have to tell you that it isn't going to happen when you want it to.  See, you get distracted with trying to lose weight so you can be fit and healthy for a pregnancy.  Plus you've been told if you lose weight some of your girly problems will resolve.  So you did lose weight, a lot of it.  But those problems never went away.  Getting preoccupied with married life, a job that is drama central and it never seeming like the right time, you will avoid going back to the RE or talking to the doctor about Clomid.  Instead you tell yourself if it is going to happen, it will happen.

I'm sorry to say that it doesn't happen right away.  Not even after a few years.  You are going to be a bit more desperate by then.  Discussing things like IVF with your husband and the cost.  Knowing full well you will never be able to afford it on your income.  You will consider Clomid again, but find it hard to concentrate because of the hellhole that you call your job.  By the way, J was a way better boss.  She might have been crazy, needy and self absorbed but she never pretended she wasn't privileged.  You will curse the day that douchenozzle L took her place.  Well her and that mousy twat A who couldn't do her own job and did nothing but complain.  The stress from work will become so overwhelming that one day you will tell your boss you can't take anymore of her shit, and that you are quitting.  You'll say it sweetly and sarcastically at the same time and it will be freaking awesome.

Almost married seven years now, K knows you.  He knows you wouldn't have quit if it wasn't something you had to do.  He will tell you that together you'll work things out and don't worry.  One year and many interviews later you'll still find yourself unemployed.  But things are going OK on just one income.  K even gets a raise so things get a little better to boot.  Being a mother is still very much on your mind though.  You have watched A and her 3 children and have longed for your own. One night you are going to break down and cry to K and ask him if he will still love you if you can't ever give him a child.  You'll be terrified of his answer, but don't be.  K will tell you that he married you, not a baby maker.  A feeling of relief will come.  All this time you will think he resents you because you can't get pregnant.

About a month later, your period won't come...again.  You'll do nothing and just wait like you always do.  Until one day while having a funny conversation you feel your boobs and realize that they feel...different.  You'll think maybe its a precurser to your period and you'll be cranky and wicked tired.  Like, the kind of tired you've never experienced before.  During a chat with A you'll ask her if she's ever had her boobs feel heavier, bigger, different and she'll tell you only when she was pregnant.  The she'll stop dead in her tracks on the phone and squee with excitement.  You will blow her off and chuckle telling her it just won't happen that easy.  After a week you won't be able to stand it.  You'll take the test and you'll get a super dark "+" sign.

At that moment your life is going to change as drastically as it did today.  Your world fell apart this morning when the last blip on your mother's heart monitor went flat.  It is going to be hard.  Getting married, getting pregnant and having your children...without your mother being there to see it, experience it and give you advice.  Crying and missing her is really going to be full force during your pregnancy and man, once they are born you are really going to wish she was still here.  The moment you lay eyes on that darling baby the world is going to change again.  The hole that got torn into your heart today will be filled.  So yes, Stacey, things are going to get better.  It won't all be rainbows and unicorns.  Lots of rough spots litter the way.  Life will not get easier...it will get different.  And you?  You are going to be just fine.

By the way...on October 11, 2005, I need you to be more careful when going to work.  I'd like to avoid the head on collision with the bus that ended up breaking your leg.  Being laid up and rehab sucked big time.  Oh, and you'll notice I didn't tell you the sex of your babies.  That is because with at least one of them, you'll want to keep it a surprise until the big day.  Trust me, you won't be disappointed. ::wink::

Love,
Me

Little C's Birth Story

I know it's been 12 weeks since Little C was born.  But I've been dealing with a lot of things in the last few months and so I haven't really had the motivation to write it down here until now.  If you've followed my blog at all you will know that we had a c-section scheduled for March 24th.  I'm not going to get into a debate as to whether it was necessary or not.  I have a happy, healthy baby.  That is all that matters to me.  My c-section experiences were wonderful and my recovery was crazy fast.  I healed beautifully the first time and this time I healed just as nicely.  Again, if you've followed my blog at all, you'd know how I felt about c-section versus the VBAC.


K and I decided to bank our baby's cord blood stem cells this time around.  Some people felt we were silly and that it is a waste of money.  Well, that is okay.  It isn't your baby and it isn't your decision and you are entitled to your opinion.  K and I have decided that this is what is best for our family.  We felt it was like life insurance.  Hope you don't need it in your 30's, but glad you do if something happens so your family will not have to take on the burden of such a huge expense.

Wednesday morning, March 24th at 5:30am we arrived at the hospital.  My husband was with me of course, as was Big C, my dad and my brother.  My cousin Ashley arrived a bit later, while we were in the OR.  After checking in and verifying all my pre-registration information, I was taken to a triage room and prepped for my c-section.  IV was started, and my blood was drawn for the maternal draw for the cord blood collection.  After a few minutes my doctor and the anesthesiologist came in to see me and we went over the details of what was going to happen.

After the usual chit chat, it was time to get the show on the road.  I slid out of my bed and kissed my Dad & brother and took my darling boy into my arms and I hugged him and kissed him and told him that I loved him.  It was different this time.  I was excited to see this baby that I have been growing for 40 weeks.  But I was scared.  Scared that I would be leaving my son without his mother if something went wrong.  Its funny how children change your outlook on things.  I slowly began my trek down the hallway to the c-section OR.  A nurse beside me pushing my IV pole, I waddled steadily, my husband walking beside me.

Thoughts began flooding my brain.  Will the spinal go OK?  Will the baby be OK?  Is it a boy or a girl?  Crap, we still haven't decided on a name yet!  OMG...this is really happening now.  Jesus, how did this day come so fast already?  Wait...I don't think I can feel the baby moving anymore.  Oh God, please let this go well and fast!  I want to hold my baby and know it is OK.  I hope Big C is behaving with Dad & J.  OMG...will there be the burning at the incision like it was last time?  Man, that sucked!  Will the cord blood collection go right?  I don't want it to be contaminated and useless.  Did I bring everything?   Please, please PLEASE God keep us safe and healthy.

Yeah....all those thoughts weren't helping keep me relaxed.  In fact, it was giving me more anxiety than I think I had ever experienced.  I felt my chest begin to tighten.  When we arrived at the doors to the OR...I kissed my husband and walked inside as he sat down in the chair outside the door and waited for the spinal to be done.  I sat on the table and the nurse smiled at me.  I remembered her from my last c-section.  She was the one who gave Big C his first bath.

The nurse told me to lean into her and to relax.  I felt the anesthesiologist swab my back and begin poking at my spine.  A few moments later he told me about the sting I would feel...and I did.  No big deal.  So he inserted the needle into my back, searching for the epidural space to inject the fluid that was going to numb my body from the waste down.  My chest is continuing to tighten.  The nurse squeezes my shoulders and tells me to relax again.  I take a deep breath.  I can hear the doctor behind me making sounds as he is trying to hit his mark.  And they don't sound promising.  Beads of sweat being form along my forehead and my legs and back are beginning to ache.  I feel the pinch of a needle pushing into my skin and I wince, but don't dare move.  The nurse again tells me to relax and that everything is going to be OK.  Another pinch.  I feel it 4 more times, but I don't say anything.  I just want this over with.  I see both my OBs standing there...waiting.  The anesthesiologist asks one of the nurses is Dr. So-and-so is in the hospital and can he come down to the OR and give him a hand.  My mind begins racing.  My chest tightens even more now.  OMG...if they can't get this spinal they are going to have to put me under.  No...no, no, no.  I want to hear my baby cry.  I want to know everything is alright right away.  This can't happen like this.  I feel another pinch and then the exasperated breath of the anesthesiologist as he apparently misses his mark...again.

After a few minutes the other doctor walks thorough the double doors.  After some discussion, he comes over and begins pressing on my back.  I'm sweating pretty hard now and the nurse is rubbing my shoulders and telling me things are going to be fine.  Yeah...sure...they haven't been so far.  I feel another pinch, this time from the other doctor.  I wince a little and a few seconds later I feel what resembles an electric shock shoot down my left leg.  I stammer out, "I felt that" and they ask me in which leg and I tell them.  Phew.  Finally, its in.  Egads where the hell was this doctor before?  I didn't have this much trouble with my first child.  This took 30 minutes.  30 freaking minutes!!!  My heart is pounding, my chest is tight and I'm sweating bullets.

They help me to lay down and swing my legs up onto the table before I go completely numb.  Suddenly, I can't breathe.  Not that I can't feel it...but I start having an anxiety attack.  My arms have been strapped down to the table and my neck is hurting.  I can't move to rearrange myself.  I need to move.  OMG...I can't stay like this.  So I tell them that I feel like I can't breathe, my neck hurts....I can't move...I need to move.  I get a bit phobic when I feel trapped.  I start shaking and crying, which only leads to the tightening in my chest and now I am hyperventilating.  The anesthesiologist tries to calm me and tells me he is going to give me something.  One of my OBs rubs my shoulder and tells me I'm feeling like I can't breathe because the baby is squishing my diaphram because I'm now laying flat and that I'll be fine as soon as the baby is out.

I am still crying and all I can say over and over is I'm sorry, I'm so sorry but I can't help it.  Please, I'm so so sorry.  They assure me that it is normal and that before I know it the baby will be out and everything will be fine.  Soon I begin to feel my chest relax, my neck stops hurting and although I still feel like I can't breathe well, I am calming down.  I close my eyes and just keep telling myself that soon I'm going to see my sweet, darling baby.  Just a few more minutes and then I'll be so excited about the baby I'll forget about everything else.  The sedative the doc had given me was kicking in.  They finally brought K into the room while they finished prepping me for surgery.  He held my hand, and kissed my forehead.  I told him how I freaked out.  He told me he knew...he could hear it from outside.  Damn.  Now I felt really stupid too.  Stupid for freaking out like I did.  I looked at him and I asked him to just keep talking to me so I didn't start thinking about a million things.

So what is the first thing he says?  "Have you decided on a  name yet?"  I laughed a little.  That is what happens when you wait until 2 weeks before your due date to decide on names for your baby.  You are laying on the table and waiting for your baby to be yanked out, or you are bent over pushing your little bowling ball out while trying to decide on what to call him or her.  Everything went pretty quickly from there.  Before I knew it, I felt some tugging and I was being rocked back and forth a bit.  I heard the sound of the big suction, some soft murmurings of the doctors and the sound of a bulb syringe.  And then it happened.  The most beautiful sound a mother can hear.  The sound of her baby taking that first breath of life outside her womb and then crying.  I was so overcome that I began sobbing like a crazy woman and asking if the baby was OK.  The doctor poked the baby's head over the big blue drape and I laughed and cried at the same time.  Various voices were speaking all at the same time saying the baby was fine and how cute and what a beautiful baby and of course, Happy Birthday!

If you've followed my blog during my pregnancy, you will know that we did not find out the sex of our baby this time around.  We tried in the beginning, but it was hard with a fetus who was camera shy.  K and I were so excited and happy at hearing the baby cry and seeing 10 little fingers and toes that neither of us even bothered to ask the sex.  The doctors were murmuring once again about blood bags and the cord blood collection kit.  They were in the midst of collecting the blood when a nurse came over and asked, "Did anyone tell you what the sex is yet?"  I looked at her and shook my head no.  They carried the baby over to be examined.  The nurse leaned down and she said to me, "It's a beautiful little girl."  At that I fell apart again and cried.  I really didn't care what sex the baby was, I just wanted a healthy baby.  But a girl.  A girl!  I had a boy and now...I had a girl!

I'd like to tell you that instantly I knew what I was going to name her.  But, I didn't.  I had names narrowed down to 2 for a girl and 2 for a boy.  I knew I was going to name her after my mother.  We had it narrowed down to 2 choices.  Later that day it was pretty clear that she was going to be Little C.  My beautiful Little C.  Once we rolled into recovery the first person I wanted to see was Big C, but they wouldn't let him come back.  But my brother and father did come back and each assured me he was doing fine, although tired and starting to get cranky.  That's my boy!

I looked at my husband and I said to him, "We have a daughter."  A daughter.  I now have a son and a daughter.  I thanked God for the beautiful, healthy and amazing children he has blessed me with.  I try to thank him everyday.  I pray that he reminds me just how special I am to have them, how precious they are and to never once take them for granted.

On a side note, the incision did not burn like it did the first time.  In fact, the second c-section was considerably easier than the first.  I wasn't ready to go out and boogie across town or anything, but I had Little C on Wednesday and they told me the earliest I could go home was Friday.  So I did.  I even drove home.  Unfortunately, my first outing, other than taking Little C to the pediatrician was when she was 7 days old to my Uncle's viewing and funeral.  It was pretty much life as usual, except I couldn't pick Big C up...because he weighed like 30 pounds!

So that is it really, in a nutshell.  Little C was born healthy and is amazingly beautiful.  There were a few snags this time, which I really could have done without.  But the ends have justified the means.  I have a beautiful healthy daughter.  She was worth every second of it all.

Countdown: 5 Days

I know this is my first blog entry in some time.  Truth is, I've been feeling under the weather.  I've a cold on top of my normal pregnancy aches and pains.  So I've been trying to take it easy.  As easy as one can when you have a 14-month old running around who also has a cold and is cutting two molars, a top and a bottom on the same side.  Needless to say, Big C has been somewhat of a hot mess on occasion.  He is really a good boy though.  Even being sick he is just my sweet snuggly boy.  I found myself in tears a few days ago over the stresses of everything going on and things to come and he looked at me so sweetly then proceeded to crawl over to me, wrap his little arms around my neck and lay his head on my chest and hug me.  He knew I was upset and it was like he was saying, "It's OK Mommy, I'm here."  Honestly, I can't imagine my life without him and I thank God for giving me something so special and wonderful.  The best day of my life was the day I became a mother.

I had my last OB appointment yesterday morning.  Everything is a go for a c-section on Wednesday March 24th at 7:30am.  My doctor did send me over to L&D for a NST and an ultrasound to check the baby's AFI.  Everything is good and the AFI was 17, which I was told was a little excessive for fluid, but not a bad thing.  It may be why I'm not getting as much movement this week.  So much fluid is cushioning babe's movements.

I'm excited, nervous and I still feel totally unprepared this time around.  You'd think the opposite since I've done this before.  But I suppose when you are distracted with one little one, you tend to put other things off to "a later date" and that date turns out to be only a few days before the new little one makes his or her appearance!  Take names for example.  We still haven't decided on names yet.  But we finally did narrow our selections down to our top 5 favorites.  So over the next few days we want to narrow them down further to our top 2-3 names.  Then once baby is born, we'll be able to look at that little face and into those little eyes and "know" which name belongs to this baby.

I really thought I'd have more time to sit down and write about this pregnancy.  Especially at the end like I am now.  But with not being able to sleep at night, being exhausted during the day and having my tailbone, lower back and pelvis feel like it's about to crumble...I'm really not so keen on sitting in front of the computer.  The baby is sitting so low in my pelvis I am literally running to go pee every 20-30 minutes.  If I'm sitting down, whether I just went before I sat down or not, as soon as I stand I gotta go.  Walking is proving to be much more of a challenge this time.  I'm moving at a snail's pace.  Big C can clearly outpace me.  But if I try to walk any faster I get that electric like pain in my vajayjay area and it stops me in my tracks.  That means in the middle of the grocery aisle, walking to the car, crossing in the crosswalk with traffic waiting on my way to the parking garage of the hospital.

Needless to say, I'm ready for this baby to come, at least physically speaking.  Besides, I want to see, hold, smooch, snuggle and love up on my little one.  I've waited 9 months for this.  I'm ready!

-MoM-

A Bit of A Sabbatical

Like you didn't notice.  Things have been crazy busy here.  Plus, I've been really tired.  And I've been trying to really spend a lot of time with my little guy since in a few short weeks he won't be the only one any longer.  I've had some drama going on at home as well.  Not with my husband mind you.  In fact, he's been my sanity.  My hormones have been really unpredictable and will switch from one to another in record time.  My weekends are just zapped and I feel like I'm barely getting time to spend with my husband and son before the new baby arrives.  We haven't even decided on a name yet.  Yep, less than 4 weeks until baby's arrival and we haven't chosen names yet.  I'm hoping that next weekend will be quieter and we can focus on more family things.  Including preparing for the baby's arrival. 

So, I've had very little time and/or energy for blogging the last few weeks.  I'm sorry about that too.  Not that I have a huge following or people waiting with baited breath to see what I'm going to write next.  But there are a few of you who read on a regular basis, and I thank you!  So no, I haven't forgotten about you!

I'm planning on doing an entry either Saturday or Sunday evening.  I'm scheduled for my next 3D sonogram on Saturday along with getting my taxes done.  Sunday the dog has to be picked up from the vet and Emme's birthday party is finally going to happen!  Poor kiddo has had her first birthday snowed out twice!  So I'll give my 36 week update, the sonogram report and a recant of the festivities of Em's birthday party.  Hopefully I'll have pictures too!

In the meantime, I just wanted to let everyone know that I haven't forgotten about blogging and hopefully things will be a little more settled soon so I can get back to writing more!

Blessings

I've been given many more than I deserve.  My son, Big C and the baby I am now carrying are among the most notable for obvious reasons.  But I'm so grateful for my life in general.  Sure, things can be sucky at times.  I have my good days and bad days.  Everyone does.  But as a whole, I couldn't be happier.

My 13 month-old baby boy took his first steps by himself on Tuesday.  And there has been no slowing down since.  Sure, prior he's taken one to two steps on his own.  But Tuesday night...he walked 8 feet....8 FEET!  All by himself.  Well Daddy did encourage him.  Now he is doing it on his own without encouragement.  All the while a huge grin on his face.  Can I tell you?  My heart melted and I bawled my eyes out.  I was so happy and so proud of my little boy.  I was so thankful to God that I have a child to experience these things with.  I was also a little saddened because this is another sign that my darling little newborn, my infant, my baby is growing up.

Here is a video if you'd like to see him!  (You'll have to have a Facebook account but don't need to be a friend of mine to view the video)  Big C Walking

He really is an amazing kid and not just because he is mine.  I honestly get comments on him all the time.  He is just a sweet, loving little boy.  He is so good when I take him anywhere.  Even when he has to sit there for an hour.  He just looks around, smiling at people and waving as they walk by.  This kid melts my heart every time I look at him.  I am totally in love with him and I can never adequately thank God enough.  So I just try to tell Him thank you as much and as often as I can.  He is super smart.  We don't have lots of words but if you hold up a picture of a dog, or cow, pig, chicken, or horse he will make the appropriate sound.  He'll also do it if you ask him, "What does the cow say? or What sound does a pig make?"  That's my boy. :-)

I had a 3D sonogram done today and I was able to see my baby in the flesh for the first time.  I was so overcome with emotion I cried.  And I realized, again how blessed I am.  I am so thankful for my babies.  My two beautiful healthy babies.  I am gaining more and more excitement as the days grow closer.  I will miss feeling the baby move inside me, but will be crazy happy that I'm feeling him or her in my arms instead.

Thank you, Lord for all the blessings you have given me.

Sometimes things have happened that I certainly felt were not blessings.  But He knows the plan He has for me.  And His plan has lead me to a wonderful husband and two beautiful children.

I'm Back! Did You Miss Me?

Well kinda sorta.  I've never been an everyday writer.  But you know what I'm saying.  So let's see, I'm going to play catch up and just make it short and sweet.  No need to draw it all out with details since it's done and over with and we've since moved on to newer things.

Last Saturday I awoke at 4 in the morning having a panic attack because I couldn't breathe.  Seriously.  Nasal congestion was at it's worst because I caught Big C's cold that just so happened to layer itself on top of one I was fighting myself.  My chest was so tight I felt like I was being crushed.  Mouth breathing is NOT something I am readily able to deal with.  Since my sinuses were completely sealed shut, the mouth breathing commenced only to find no relief because I couldn't get enough air in!  Long story short, I made it through the night and into the morning so I could call my doctor who told me to head over to the nearest ER and get checked out.  There was a question of whether or not my thyroid meds may need adjusting because of the pregnancy since it can cause the heart racing/can't breathe symptoms.

The boy awoke and he was crying and coughing to the point of throwing up and I decided that I was going to just take him to the ER with me.  Something had to give for this kid.  Again, long story short...after blood work and a breathing treatment for me and an exam for Big C we were discharged with a diagnosis of an ear infection that was just starting for him and sinusitis coupled with bronchitis that was just starting for me.  Lovely.  Good thing was we caught Big C's ear infection before it really even got started.  So he was spared the agonizing pain of an earache. That was a total win.  We are recovering for our ills...I slower than Big C.  Mine actually got worse and is just now starting to let up.  But we are on the mend.

As far as my 32 week update, which can now be a 32 and 33 week update.  Things are going OK.  My Sciatic has reared it's ugly head again and it makes for a difficult night's rest.  Plus the peeing through the night...trust me when I tell you it's no less that 4 times a night.  Baby has begun to slow down with movement a bit.  Gave me a scare yesterday and today.  But I did get some movement.  And my OB told me as long as I get one occurrence of good active movement once in 24 hours, then we are good.  Not that that helps my overactive neurotic worrisome mind.  Thursday will mark the 34 week period as well as my next OB appointment.  So I'm greatly anticipating the appointment with the baby's slowdown, which according to the doctors, nurses and books is normal at this stage in pregnancy since the babe is getting bigger and the accommodations for him or her are getting smaller.  I'm hoping the snowfall will not hinder me from getting to this appointment.  After the epic snowfall of about 20 inches overnight we are expecting upwards of another foot Tuesday night and all day Wednesday.

Oh Em Gee...is that like, a car under there?

My sonogram appointment last Friday was kind of sucky.  The technician, whom I've never had before was a total wench.  My OB told me that she'd be able to tell me the weight of the baby as well as gestational age and the percentile in which the baby is in.  When I was pregnant with Big C they told me those things when I asked with no problem.  This B refused to tell me anything.  Well almost.  I did get 1 thing out of her.

Tech:  "We aren't allowed to give out that information, you'll have to get it from your doctor." 

Me:  "Seriously?  He's the one who told me to ask YOU!  OK well can you tell me what we are looking at?"

Tech: "Your cervix."

Me: "Is the baby head down?"

Tech: **Silence**

Me: "Is that the baby's head right there?  The top of it?"

Tech: "Mmhm."

 Me: "What is that?  Are those the baby's hands?"

Tech: **Silence**

Me: **Infuriated** "Now what are you doing?"

Tech:  "Getting the baby's heart rate."

Me:  **Seething** "Well can you at least tell me THAT?  Are you ALLOWED?"

Tech:  "Yeah, it's 135."

Seriously I felt slighted.  Sonograms are a very intimate and important part of one's pregnancy.  You don't get them that often, which is a good thing actually.  Healthy pregnancies don't need lots of sonograms.  But damn.  By brother and my dad were there with me and this chick was just robotic.  Most other techs are happy to point out baby's features, face, fingers, legs, toes and heart.  They have told me what they are doing, looking for or measuring.  They are pleasant and genuinely happy for you.  I basically got hustled back into the room, measurements taken without a word and hustled back out of the room like cow who is being milked.

So I've decided to have a 3D sonogram done this weekend.  I'm pretty excited about it.  I can bring my family with me and they can see the baby on two huge screen plasma TVs.  I thought about doing it before but never made the decision since I didn't have it done with Big C.  But this latest sonogram experience left me feeling so empty...like I had no time to spend with my baby.  I know it may sound silly to you, but that is how I felt.  The sonograms are my opportunity to *see* the little wonder who makes all of those movements inside me and it's very special.  That technician totally ruined that experience for me.  Depending on the results of that sonogram, I probably won't have another one unless the doctor is worried about something.  So that is why I decided to have the 3D sonogram done.

*GASP*  Who is that handsome boy?  No more hair in the eyes!

In other news, this Sunday I figured it was time to give Big C his first hair cut.  I did cut off a curl and save it for his baby book.  I was kind of bummed that I didn't get to take him to the barber shop for the whole experience and pictures.  But it's snowed every single weekend I planned on taking him!  The hair was in his eyes, curling around his ears and he was forever fussing with it.  The kid was miserable so it was time...barber shop or not.  I have to tell you...I so didn't want to cut it.  It was the hair he was born with!  Sort of...he was kind of a baldie...just little wisps of blonde hair.  But I knew after cutting his hair for the first time that he would look grown up and well...he's my baby and I don't want him looking so grown up so soon!

-MoM-

We've Set A Date

At today's OB appointment the Dr. and I set the date of my elective c-section.  March 24th.  Of course should I go into labor and have the baby vaginally a few days before then, I'm not going to complain. :)  I have a sonogram scheduled for this Friday and provided the baby is not in the greater than 95th percentile, then we are a green light for attempting a VBAC.  Naturally this will not be my last sonogram, I'll probably have another done about a week before my c-section date.  And if still in the clear it's a go and I can cancel the c-section.

I would just like to mention for the record that I am quite fond of both of my OB doctors.  They took such good care of Big C and I and again they've been taking wonderful care of the new babe and myself.  Just two very caring and compassionate men who want nothing more than to see you with a happy, healthy baby in your arms.  I'm hoping perhaps this time around I can get a picture of the two of them holding the babe after delivery.  I missed the opportunity with Big C.

Today's visit went well.  Baby has been moving a lot and the heartbeat was nice and strong.  He or she even gave a few good, swift kicks to the Doppler as we listened.  I've scheduled my appointments up until my c-section/due date.  My cousin, A is gracious enough to take on the task of babysitting Big C while I go to the rest of my 3rd trimester appointments since they may send me over to the hospital for NST and blood pressure monitoring.  Speaking of blood pressure...it was a little high today, but nothing too concerning.  156/80  Not too bad.

We spoke about the pains in my hips and pelvis.  I told him that I did not have this pain during my first pregnancy.  He politely informed me...again that "It's gets worse with each pregnancy."  Ouch.  This does not stop me from considering a third.  The reward is way worth it.  Turns out wearing a nice and snug belly band will help with the pain and with the edema that is slowly building.  Yeah, it's no where near as bad as it is going to get.  I'll probably be whining about it all the time come 38 weeks.  I'm really looking forward to Friday.  I can't wait to see the baby.  And I've already told a few people that even if they can tell the sex, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!  It will have been 32 weeks.  If I waited for 32 weeks, I can wait the other 8 and be surprised.

Oh and just a bit of randomness...UPS just arrived and delivered the photo book I created.  It is FABULOUS!  I highly recommend using them.  This is only my first order by they were prompt and the quality is fantastic.  I made a picture book of Big C's 1st year.  A few pages of him at each month of life.  Can I tell you I just sat here, opened it to look at it and bawled like a baby looking at how much he has grown? *Le sigh*  Well, I think I'll end it here.  I've a busy 2 weeks ahead and I'll try to give my 32 weeks update on Thursday...if not, I'll wait until Friday and do it with a sonogram update.  My Little Bear is sick with a crappy cold...he's shooting serious snot rockets and coughs a lot, sometimes to the point of throwing up...poor baby.  I'm picking some decongestant cough syrup up for him from the doctor tonight in hopes it will make him more comfortable while he battles this cold.

-MoM-

63 Days Left to Go

Its my weekly update and this is for week 31!  I'm starting to get excited.  This pregnancy has been different from my last.  I have another child to take care of this time around.  My days are filled with Big C's feeding, pooping, playing, learning and all around being cute as can be.  That leaves little time to focus on this little babe.  I used to spend hours daydreaming about Big C.  What he would look like, how I would dress him up, all the things I needed to buy and how I would decorate the nursery.  I would badger my husband to help me think of names for our baby and once I knew we were having a boy...boy did my imagination soar.  I thought about all the amazing things I wanted to do with him, places to take him, things to show him and wonder if he'd look like his Daddy or what it would sound like when he spoke his first word.

I feel a little guilty.  Because I've been really focused on Big C, I've not done those things with this babe.  Most of the time I'm so exhausted that when I try to do those things while he takes a nap...I find myself taking one too.  I also don't know if we are having a boy or a girl.  It makes the surprise factor really exciting.  But a little more difficult to envision and daydream about a son or daughter.  I have to daydream about both!  Not to mention, I'm trying to focus on Big C as much as I can.  Before we know it, he won't be the only baby in the house anymore.  I don't want him feeling left out.  So I'm trying to get as much Mommy/Son time as I can with him before I won't have the opportunity to have him completely to myself.  Which is hard when lately he's decided that he only has eyes for his father and I'm chopped liver.  But that is a situation in and of itself that deserves it's own entry...at some point.

So...31 weeks.  Well, I've been feeling OK.  Really tired.  Big surprise there.  Heartburn is kicking my butt.  This pregnancy rhinitis is the pits.  I detest not being able to breathe.  Being clogged sucks.  And if I could actually blow my nose and clear it out, it would be great.  But there isn't much there.  It is all membrane swelling.  So I'm mouth breathing, couple that with my decreased lung capacity from babe taking up space and you have a huffing, puffing, wheezing, nasal-pinched, man-voiced, duck waddling, belly popping preggo chick.  Not a pretty sight.  No, really.

Waddling.  Ugh...at times I still feel like my pelvis is going to crumble.  I know this is all normal...just not comfortable.  It hurts so bad that I can't even attempt to walk normally.  Plus I have edema in the lower portion of my belly which makes bending over or down painful, and I know it will only get worse...I had it with Big C as well.  Since Big C isn't walking on his own, that means I'm running after him and hefting him from the floor up.  He weighs like...30 pounds.  I feel every muscle in my abdomen and pelvis straining each time I pick him up.

I'm peeing every 30 minutes to an hour.  The babe loves hanging out on my bladder.  I've even had 2 accidents.  Both due to sneezing.  They weren't full blown pee your pants...but it was enough.  I'd like to say it's because I'm keeping myself so well hydrated and drinking non-stop.  I drink alright but it's not a full bladder I'm emptying each time.  It's just the pressure from baby.

I still want to eat literally everything in sight.  But I have been minding my p's & q's regarding salt intake.  I've cut out the salt shaker entirely.  I avoid eating things like chips and if I do eat them only a few.  Any more than that sets me off with a raging headache.  Hopefully that will be enough to keep the BP under control.  I do get fuller faster.  So if I'm a Starvin' Marvin' I will try to stop before I finish everything and wait 15 minutes.  By then I really feel the fullness and stop chowing.  If I don't wait and keep going until I feel full, I've gone and pushed myself to the brink of misery of overeating and wanting to puke.  And let's face it, that doesn't help with the heartburn either!

The baby has been moving a lot.  I can't tell you how I adore that feeling.  It is the highlight of my pregnant day.  It is the one thing I miss most about being pregnant once the baby gets here.  I love being pregnant.  Not all the aches and pains and anxiety that go along with it.  But I love having a growing baby inside.  I love kids, and I love babies.  I kid you not...if it weren't for the fact that I am 34 years old, and that my husband and I don't have loads of disposable income, extended family to lend a hand when bring home a new baby or a house big enough...I could totally be the next Michelle Duggar.  OK...well, maybe not that many children.  But I could easily see myself with 5-8 of them.

So right now, I'm trying to spend as much time with my little boy as I can.  Enjoy each and every kick, jab, punch and bobble the babe throws at me, decide on a name, get the gear I need for the new babe together, unpacked or purchased (like a crib).  And think about the dozen other things that will need to happen before bringing home baby #2!

30 Weeks!

I know I said this last week, but it's something about hitting the 30 week mark that just makes you sit back and say, "Woah!"  It's almost time!  Sure 10 weeks is still a long time, but considering that a pregnancy lasts 40 weeks, it's actually the homestretch.  I won't be going to the doctor for another 2 weeks.  This is just me reporting on what's going on this week and how I'm feeling.

Emotionally, it has been one of the hardest weeks during the whole pregnancy.  My hormones have been taking control and have me all over the place.  Couple that with life's other stressors and you have a hormonal breakdown on the verge of letting loose.  It did yesterday, a few times actually.  But although I'm feeling overwhelmed, I'm doing much better.  I hope I continue to stay on a positive path.

The babe moves quite a bit, when he or she feels like it.  There really is no pattern with this little one.  I suppose he or she can't make up their mind like their momma. :-)  I've had some cramping earlier int he week, but I'm convinced it was because I was overdoing it a bit.  Rushing to get C's birthday party together and then the drama with the church hall, which I'll save for another time if I remember was enough stress for me and I guess my body was telling me, "OK, sit down, shut up and stop worrying.  You have other people to help you...duh!"  So that is what I did after Big C's birthday party.  I went home and just sat down and tried to relax, freaking out over the cramping that felt more like someone shoving an ice pick into my uterus.  Thankfully, the pain ceased by the next morning and I resumed dealing with my usual ailments, my pelvis feeling as though it is going to break.  I must admit though, even that is getting a tad bit better.

One thing I am dealing with more this time around is swelling.  I don't think I've seen my feet, legs and belly...yes I said my belly swollen like this before.  I had swelling in my belly last pregnancy as well, but this is like...crazy.  Last time it was pitting edema too.  But this is such a big area!  My belly is bigger because of so much swelling, and I can really feel it when I go to put on socks & shoes.  It's like leaning over with a beach ball attached to an already plump baby bump!  And just for the record, I hate bending over and I avoid it when I can.

Sleep is sporedic.  I'm either up taking a potty break, or flipping from one side to the other because my hips have gone numb or are sore.  I'm also waking up to clogged sinuses which leads to open mouth breathing at night, which leads to dry mouth and sore throat.  So I'm often up trying to unclog, getting a drink and rolling on some lip balm to fight the dryness.  Add to that Big C's sporadic waking up screaming crying in the middle of the night and you have a recipe for very little sleep.  I'm getting enough though.  I'm tired, but still able to function.  And when I feel exceptionally exhausted, I use Big C's nap time to take a nap and try to rejuvenate myself as well.

Everything else is pretty much the same pregnancy wise.  No contractions, other than an occasional BH squeeze here and there.  It is still really rough picking up Big C and carrying him from room to room when I need to.  My reduced lung capacity has me dealing with a lot of huffing and puffing and I've been getting hit with some wicked heartburn here and there as well.  Thank goodness for Tums!  Well, that's about it for now! ;-)

A Note To Fellow Bloggers, 29 Weeks Update & Random Thoughts

29 weeks already!  Sometimes it feels like it's going slow, but being busy with Big C has helped in that department.  I think I'm pretty close to making the decision to just go and schedule a c-section.  I'll wait until my next sonogram @ 32 weeks, but I'm almost 100% on going ahead with it.  I have 10 weeks until I get to see and hold this baby.  I still can't believe it sometimes.  I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but I am so truly blessed and thankful to God for my son and this newest baby.  I am not without my own trials that I've had to face, but I have been fortunate to get pregnant on my own, without medical intervention, maintain a healthy pregnancy and deliver (even if by c-section) a healthy, happy handsome little boy.  AND I am fortunate to again been able to conceive, and so far so good on maintaining a healthy pregnancy and I pray it will continue to a problem free delivery and a happy, healthy baby.

K and I got married in August of 2001.  And although we didn't immediately start trying to have a baby, we didn't prevent it either.  I've battled with female troubles since I was 14 years old.  Had my first D&C @ 14 then had to have another @ 16.  My hormones have never cooperated and were in *wacky* mode all the time.  Skipping a period or 2 then bleeding non-stop for the better part of 8 weeks.  I have been put on probably 3/4 of the birth control pills known to man in order to try to regulate my cycle.  Some worked, some didn't.  I've had ovarian cysts in the past as well.  After I got married, I began weaning myself off the BC pills...hoping that my cycles would continue to be normalish.  And for a while they were.  Normalish for me is just having a cycle once a month.  I never have and never will be an every xx day kinda girl.  One month it'll be a 25 days cycle, the next month it's 32 days.  Long story short, after a few months I kicked the BC completely and was cycling once a month.  The months passed, and so did the years and I never conceived.  Hubs and I pretty much gave up on the notion of it happening for us.  We talked and thought about fertility treatments of various sorts and the potential of having to consider IVF if Clomid wasn't successful.  And IVF was just something we could not afford.  We just didn't have that kind of money to put out in a chunk.  So we decided that if God had planned for us to have a child or children, then it would happen.  It was out of our hands.  God did have a plan and he did give us a beautiful son.  He decided when, not me.  You know, 6+ years is a long time when you are TTC.  I know what the longing feels like.  I know that twinge you feel when you see mothers with their babies.  When you see friends and family having babies, and there you sit with an empty womb and empty arms.  I was never jealous, but I did hope that one day, I'd have a baby of my own to love and cherish.

I follow many blogs.  And I have been there with you when you have written about your disappointment of a BFN.  The profoundness of experiencing a loss, be it before or after a delivery.  I have sat here and shed countless tears for you...with you.  I have prayed for you.  I have gone to bed at night thinking of you and admiring your strength, courage and faith.  For those of you that have experienced wonderful things after such heartbreak, I have laughed, jumped up and down and cried with happiness for you.  And for those still waiting, I wait with you, praying and hoping that you find the happiness you are seeking.  I'm not a stalker...seriously.  But just so you know, you have another person in your corner, rooting you on and ready to celebrate your victory.

OK, so I know that was a bit heavy so on to 29 week news.  I see my doctor again in a few weeks and I really need to ask him.  "Why does my crotch feel like it's going to fall out?"  No, really.  It's not the baby-feels-like-it-is-going-to-fall-out pressure.  It's my pelvis.  I think I can hear it crying.  It hurts SO bad.  It hurts to just walk, but if I try to swing a leg over a gate, or heck just lift it up high enough to step into the tub to take a shower it feels as though it is going to crumble.  I never had this with my first pregnancy, so I am assuming it might have something to do with only having 6 months to recover from a 9 month pregnancy and a c-section before getting pregnant again.  By week definition I am 7 months pregnant.  I've been experiencing and expecting discomforts.  But this one in particular is totally new for me.

Sleeping is off and on sucky.  Some nights are good, others...meh.  Half of it is because I get clogged and can't breathe...thank you sinuses and allergies.  I'm still tired, but I found myself needing a nap while the boy napped this morning.  Not that I felt like taking a nap.  I mean I needed it.  The babe still moves a bit erratically, which throws me into panic mode.  But I keep reminding myself as long as I feel something no matter how subtle, things are OK.  This was the part that drove me crazy with Big C.  I wanted him out because I couldn't stand not being able to *check* on him all the time.  So if he decided to take a snoozer day, I freaked thinking something was wrong.  On the same note, I wanted him in because inside he was protected from all the outside dangers.

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and I'm coming to the realization while talking to her that being a parent, a mommy isn't just hard in the sense of the word.  But I find myself worrying about Big C all the time.  I mean even in the sense of him being an adult.  I want him to grow up into a good man.  Not an alcoholic or drug addict or a player who just uses and manipulates women.  I want him to want to be a good man himself.  I don't want him doing stupid things like drinking and driving or getting into a car with someone who has.  I see news reports of someone running a child over with a car only to leave the scene and my heart stops for a moment, worried that that fate could find my son.  And that is only part of it.  More immediately the thoughts rolling in my head are how boys do silly and risky things to show off.  How am I going to teach him to be cautious without being afraid to try new things?  I mean sometimes it can be a fine line between going out for the football team and wanting to do stunts on a dirt bike.  No, really!

I don't want to be the crazy mother who never lets him do anything, or sends him out of the house with bubble wrap duct taped to his entire body.  But I also don't want to just let him "Live & Learn".  I can't.  He is a child and doesn't know *how* live and learn works!  What lesson will have been taught to him if he kills himself or ends up in the hospital paralyzed?  I am a chronic worry wart.  And yeah, I probably should be seeking therapy for it before I make my children worse than me.  For now, I'll just continue to pray that he and the baby stay safe, make good decisions and ask the Lord to keep them and protect them.  After all it is His plan and if anyone can keep them from harm, it is Him.

-MoM-

Happy Birthday to Me!

My cake was great....but the boy thought his was waaay better!

Well OK, it was actually yesterday, but I was busy freaking out over the fact that the baby in utero wasn't moving but a twinge.  I nearly called the doctor.  I mean, this is my second pregnancy.  I should remember this from the first one and not be so neurotic.  Should being the operative word here.  Well I am, and you know what?  I'm not going to apologize for it.  I have always been a worry wart and the fact that I've been through one pregnancy does mean that will change.  But I called this morning and apparently I forgot from my last pregnancy, a mere year ago that during the 3rd trimester it's normal for the babe to slow down and now be as fast and furious.  I totally remembered the nurse telling me that with Big C after she mentioned it.  Anyway, I'm veering off from the original topic here.

I was surprised with a yummo cake.  It was wonderful...fluffy, moist and the icing made the babe dance in my belly for all of 5 minutes.  But hey, it was movement!  My husband bought me some fabulous books on child rearing and the whole psychology behind discipline and strong-willed children.  We are new parents, there is no manual.  I also don't have my mom to go to for advice on complex issues that may come up.  I was also treated nicely by my dad and my brother!

Big C was eye-balling me as soon as I had cake and ice cream in hand.  So of course, I shared.  Apparently, I cannot get ice cream and cake to his mouth fast enough as he protested each time I did not have it ready and waiting for his open mouth.  He reminded me of a baby bird waiting to be fed.  It was hilarious.  He was a bit more difficult to get to bed...you know, sugar high and all right before bed time.  Not a smart move, but I plead new parent syndrome.  OK so it was all of 8 minutes rather than the usual 3-5.  Damn, I keep thinking about that cake.  I totally haven't eaten lunch yet, but I want cake.  No, no...I'm not going to eat cake for lunch.  I will just go off and indulge in my Popeye's leftovers **drool**...then maybe have cake.  Maybe.  I mean, I may as well.  Because once this baby is born, I seriously....seriously need to lose weight and get into shape.  I have 2 kids to keep up with now and I can't be huffing and puffing like a freight train when trying to play with them.  Not to mention, I want to be healthier for them.  So, since I've long since kicked the nicotine habit...my fat-arse lifestyle is going to have to get kicked to the curb as well.  It's not a New Year resolution...it is just something I have to do...for me and my babies.

OK, well, I'm going to get the Bubs, he's up from his nap and I'm going to give him some lunch and dive into my Popeye's.  Nomnomnom!

-MoM-

Happy, Happy Birthday Baby

My Dearest Big C,

It was one year ago today that I was first able to lay eyes upon your beautiful face. You are one year old today and I can hardly believe it. I know it has been written before, but I want to tell you again, just so you understand just how much you are loved and how much you were are wanted. It is the story of your life so far...but it started with my own. So listen carefully my darling boy because today, in this letter you will realize that there is no one on Earth who loves you as much as I do.

I always knew I wanted you. From a little girl, I always knew I wanted to be a mommy. I also wanted to be a veterinarian, a doctor and lawyer...but whether or not I ever got to be those things, what never changed was the fact that I wanted to be a mother. Your mother. Partly it stemmed from my own relationship with my mother. I loved her. More than anything. There was no one that could make me feel so loved, so important, so special and so wanted like my mommy. Feeling her arms around me when she hugged me was the best. She was so safe and warm and comfortable. I looked up to her and I longed to one day have a child of my own to pour that love and adoration into. A child that I could raise, watch grow up and be proud of the person I had a hand in shaping and encouraging. I so wanted a baby. I so wanted you.

Your grandma got sick when I was just 6 years old. She nearly died in the hospital. She was supposed to slip into a coma, never to awake while the infection ravaged her body. Her doctor feared it would be imminent, there wouldn't be enough time for the medication to do its job and your grandma would succumb before it ever had a chance to save her. However, your grandma....well she had other plans. She loved your Uncle Jim and I so much, she couldn't bear the thought of leaving us. He was 16 and I was 6 and all she could think about was us. She was so, so tired. Only wanting to close her eyes and go to sleep, even though she knew she would never wake up. But that meant leaving Uncle Jim and I behind. And she just couldn't bear the thought. So your grandma was determined to stay awake. To fight the darkness that was creeping upon her. The only way she could think to stay awake was by keeping her mind sharp. She figured if she said multiplication tables, out loud to keep her mind moving and awake, she might be able to stay awake long enough for the medicine to work. So all night long your grandma laid in her hospital bed, saying her times tables. Nurses looked at her and shook their heads, thinking she was going delirious and that it wouldn't be very long. But something else happened. She started to get a bit stronger. She wasn't as tired and her mind wasn't as clouded. By the next morning she was wide eyed, although very tired from no sleep at all. It wasn't the same kind of tired the infection was causing. Much to everyone's surprise, your grandma wasn't in a coma that morning and she certainly hadn't left us! After some blood work that was done immediately, the doctor was able to see that grandma had improved a little. She fought and she won!

Now it is important that I tell you grandma hadn't completely won the battle. The infection damaged her liver badly and they only gave her two years to live. But we are talking about your grandmother, and there was no way she was going down without a fight. She loved us very much and she tried, Big C. She tried very hard to make it long enough to see you. Because you see...I wanted you, but your grandma wanted you too! She couldn't wait until the day came when I would get pregnant with you and she would get to hold you in her arms. She had big plans for you. She envisioned a little cart, hooked up to one of the miniature horses and you driving the horse down our long driveway. She wanted to teach you all of your nursery rhymes and your ABCs. She wanted to spoil you, love you, adore you, snuggle you and shout to the world how much she loved her grandbaby. And she tried to make it long enough to do those things with you. So even though they said only 2 years, your grandma fought for another 12 years after that. But this time, when she got sick, she couldn't convince her body to listen to her mind. It had plans of it's own and so on June 18, 1997 at 8:36am your grandma left this world to go walk with the Lord in Heaven.

I was 21. I was going to college with plans of being a veterinarian. I quit going just before grandma died so I could help take care of her and spend time with her and be close to her. I had no boyfriend. Marriage wasn't even a thought in my mind. I hadn't ever even been on a date! I was heartbroken when your grandma left us. About a year and a half later, I met your father and fell in love with him. On August 11, 2001 your daddy and I got married. We were going to get married a week earlier, but that fell on your Grandma's birthday and I wanted that day to be her own, so we bumped it up a week. I was 25 years old then. I was so happy. Because I knew that now, I could have you! I had waited for you for so long. But I had to find the man who would be your daddy first! And he wasn't easy to find! After a few years your daddy and I tried for you. But, you wouldn't come. We tried some more, and you just weren't ready to come yet. After almost 7 years, your daddy and I decided that maybe God had decided that you were supposed to go to someone else and not us. So we decided to take a break from trying so hard. That if and when God decided you were to come to us, then it would happen. Well wouldn't you know it? About 6 months later you decided to show up! Finally! I wanted you so badly and for so long and finally you were coming! I was so nervous and so scared that now that I had you, something might happen and I would lose you. I prayed all the time, asking God to protect you, and keep you healthy.

Big C, I don't think I'll ever be able to accurately describe what being pregnant with you was like for me. It was scary and I was an emotional wreck through most of it. I had just wanted you so, so badly. You were all I ever dreamed of and I was so afraid that it was some kind of dream and that I wouldn't be able to hold you in my arms one day. I cried all the time. I hadn't even seen your face and I loved you more than anything in the world. You would party like crazy in my belly and then scare me half to death when you up and stopped because you wore yourself out and needed a day or two to recuperate. On more than one occasion I found myself sitting in the doctor's office waiting for the doppler to hear your heartbeat, only to have you wallop me just as he walked through the door. How I loved feeling you move inside me. The day I longed for was quickly approaching. The day I got to see your face, hold you in my arms and say, "Hello, Son."

The day you were born...one year ago exactly has been the happiest day of my life. Is it really possible to love something...someone so much? Yes, it is. When the doctor pulled you from my uterus during your c-section and poked your head over the big blue tarp and I saw you for the first time...I cried. Tears of joy sprang from my eyes at the sight of the child I had wanted and waited so long for. The moment they put you in my arms and I looked into your beautiful blue eyes was love at first sight. We had a rough start you and I. You cried all the time because you were hungry and I just didn't make enough milk. You turned yellow with jaundice, couldn't got potty and we spent 2 nights with you in the hospital under those bright blue lights. I cried and I prayed for you to get better. I sobbed each time they pricked your little heel to check your blood and after coming home I finally decided no more and put you on formula. You were much happier then. That was a hard decision for me because I wanted to be able to give you everything you needed. But, I had to do it differently now. Those first weeks were wonderful. I rocked you endlessly. Breathing you in, the smell of your freshly washed hair and skin. I loved giving you those little massages and you falling asleep during them. The late nights of just holding you and looking at you. I just couldn't and I still can't get enough of you.

And Big C, it's going by too fast. Before I know it you will be 21. I cherish the moments that I have with you. Our lazy mornings, where you lay over top my leg, sippy cup in hand watching Mickey Mouse. Or when you curl up against me, a little sigh escaping those pouty lips. It's getting harder to hold you, rock you and snuggle because you just want to move and be a part of everything around you. I look at you and my eyes well up because I can still hear the mew-mew-mew you'd make as you took your bottle. The way you'd smack your little lips when I gave you cereal for the first time. I love how you bend your head down repeatedly because you want forehead kisses or how you give us a cheesy grin when you get naked for bath time. How you strain to look over your daddy's shoulder in the bath tub to smile at me. I love how I can look at you and say, "What are you doing?" and you smile mischievously at me and continue to do something you clearly shouldn't.

Over the course of this year I have watched you grow, develop and learn. Its been a year full of sleepless nights, blissful mornings, aching backs, sweet kisses, warm hugs, snugly Pooh bears, temper tantrums, eyes fluttering to the sound of my singing a lullaby, teething, vaccines, a first cold, colic and gas, bilirubin lights, diapers, bottles, toys and baby wipes. Balmex, pacifiers, rice cereal and rubber duckies. Teething rings and cradle swings. Carters onesies, flannel sleepers with feet, disgusting new foods and yummy bananas as treats. You've 8 teeth with a bicuspid making it's debut. You can pull yourself up to standing and stand by yourself without holding on for quite a while now. You have even taken your first step alone on December 23....tiny as it was. Fondness for icy cold milk, splashing, music and dancing and giggling and laughs that make my heart melt. You have made me complete, Big C. For so long you had been missing, but you are here now and I savor each and every moment with you.

So always know sweet baby...You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you.....No one will love you like I do, my baby. Happy Birthday my wonderful, darling, sweet little precious boy.

I love you forever.

Love,

Your Mommy

God's Masterpiece

From graceful lilies pure and white,
God fashioned lovely skin,
Forgetmenots he chose for eyes,
Then formed your baby chin.
He took a tulip bright and red --
'Twas one that did not fade;
A softer, sweeter little mouth
Before was never made.
Another flower next He used --
A rosebud, pink and fair;
Touched it to your dimpled cheeks
And bade it blossom there.
Then with His magic fingers picked
Two morning glories white;
Curled and shaped your little ears,
Soon they were fastened tight.
That crowning bit of golden down
Will soon become your hair;
He gathered pollen from the flowers,
And sprinkled it with care.
For dainty little fingers dear
And precious, tiny toes,
He used slender daisy frills;
A snowdrop made your nose.
This world and all within it
He created here for man;
But Baby was "God's Masterpiece"
Since time and life began!

--Dora Dinsmore

Hello Third Trimester!

Along with all the ailments it brings with it. I'm not complaining...really. Well, OK...maybe I am just a little. I can deal with the decreased lung capacity, little sleep, swelling beyond comprehension(really it isn't that bad yet)and aching ribs and back. I've been through it all once before...like exactly 1 year ago! So I'm familiar with the normal symptoms. I'm getting them all sooner this time around which means they hang around longer. Meh...the reward outweighs the suffering by a longshot here.

I had my OB appointment this past Monday. Doc says the baby sounds happy. We had a heart rate in the 130s range. All results of the sonogram came back looking great and I passed my glucose challenge test with flying colors. Good thing too. I've turned into an eating machine in the last 2 weeks and have been eating all the wrong things and unfathomable amounts of sugar. While at the OB we discussed that my next visit will be in 4 weeks and then I'll start the every 2 week visits. I'll also be scheduled for an ultrasound to see how peanut is measuring up. If things look favorable, meaning the baby looks average size, I'm going to try for a VBAC. If it looks as thought the babe will be turkey size, I'll be scheduling a c-section.

I got home that morning and proceeded to get some things done. All was well in the land of Stacey until later that evening. While sitting at the kitchen table reading a sale paper, I realize that my butt was hurting. I mean wicked uncomfortable. I stood up, no help. WTH is going on? I was fine all day, no problems while at the doctors and now this happens. Seriously? Yeah, well. I came to realize during a shower and some self examination that the beasties I thought I was soooo lucky in avoiding so far this pregnancy have shown their ugly faces...and with a vengeance. I'm talking about 'roids. Yep, you heard me. They are the only thing I hate about pregnancy. Everything else is fine and totally dealable, but these evil, vile, disgusting butt distortionists are the worst. I had issues with them 3 times during my pregnancy with Big C. I made it to the 3rd trimester before they showed this time...darn it! So that has been a downer for me. I wasted no time in calling the doctor and telling him that my exit chute was on fire and it felt like I had a fork up there and I wanted a 'script and was not going to bother with anything else. Been there, done that and darn near got the T-shirt made. In case you are wondering...my arse is much better now, thanks.

I've been getting my last minute plans in order for Big C's birthday party. We are actually having a small one tonight with just us. I'm going to make him his own cake, let him destroy it and open his pressies. I will probably be the one opening them if it's anything like Christmas. K is going to leave work early today so he can get home at 6:30p. Having to take the train for transportation is such a pain...but when you work 90 miles from home, it doesn't leave you much of an alternative. I really hope he finds a comparable job closer to home. It's tough not having him around and it's going to be tougher when the new baby arrives. Plus it's a total drag that he doesn't get to spend much time with his son or his wife. He's gone 14.5 hours a day. When you factor in that he has to sleep and eat it leaves Big C and I a whole 2 hours to spend with him. And that is just not enough...for a child or a wife. So if anyone is looking for a superior IT guy with a killer work ethic and perfectionist tendencies to possibly work from home (hint hint) I know a guy. ;)

Otherwise, his party is pretty much planned for January 9th and I just have to get the incidentals and last minute stuff. Oh yeah...and a cake. I'm going to try to make *his* cake on my own and just have a bakery make a cake for everyone else to enjoy...since after Big C is done with his I'm not sure anyone would want to eat it.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a happy, healthy and very prosperous New Year!

Our First Christmas

It was amazing! I laughed, I cried about fifty times each throughout the day. Big C was so wired the poor kid had to take a nap in between opening presents. Seriously. I had to take him back to sleep then finish opening his gifts after he woke up and ate lunch.

We started out the morning with some yummy French Toast. Big C ate 95% of two pieces...complete with butter, syrup and some powdered sugar. Look...it's Christmas and it wasn't like the french toast was drowning in the stuff. But it probably was why he was a lunatic and crashed before he could get through all his presents. So I'm new a being a Mom...I'll learn.

After sticky hands and face were wiped clean it was time to head to the tree to begin shredding paper like no one's business. Cause he likes paper....a lot. Likes to eat it...perhaps part goat...I dunno. Fired up the camcorder and I sat my fat tush down on the floor with him to help open. I was sure I wasn't going to be able to get back up. My belly has popped and gravity loves to pull me forward. But dang it...this was my first child's first Christmas....I was getting my pregnant can down on that floor to open presents with him even if it took the entirety of the volunteer fire company to get me back up of the floor again. I am totally bummed out that I got no still pictures....only video. We did get some stills of Big C playing with his stuff later in the day.

I picked up the first gift, shook and smiled at him. He crawled as little arms and legs could muster over to me and smiled devilishly and squealed with delight as I tore the corner of the package to get him started. He promptly took the gift from me and flung it across the floor. Then looked as me and smiled, reaching for another. Okay, this wasn't exactly how I planned. I mean, he shreds every single magazine he can get his hands on. WTH? So I get the package back and rip a big piece of the paper and shake it at him. He looked at me for .02 seconds and proceeded to crawl away from me and the stack of gifts to go chase the cat. *Grumbles* THIS DOES NOT COMPUTE! He LOVES paper. He loves ripping it up. He loves ripping up the magazines I never get a chance to read because they are shredded beyond recognition!

Meh...it doesn't matter. I open up the gifts and call him to look at each one. He takes it from me, squeals, plays with it and after 3-4 of them are open the hyperness sets in. (Yeah, I know, it was probably the french toast)He can't play with all the toys at once so he is just flinging things all over and crawling from one spot to the next and it's craziness. And then it happened. Violence. Crying, kicking, clenched fists, face turning red and fierce rubbing of the eyes. Oh my...this boy needs a serious nap. We were much happier upon waking from the nap and having some lunch. However we were still not interested in ripping paper.

All in all it was an awesome Christmas. He totally digs all of his things and I dig watching him play with them. I was treated nicely as well and I totally love the stuff I got...and everyone else is feeling their stuff too. The rest of the night was spent just being a happy family and playing with Big C and watching him play with his Christmas presents. Oh! I finally got to bake some of my cookies. FINALLY! I ate so many I nearly made myself sick too. But I'm telling you, these cookies are money...no doubt! I still have more baking to do, since it's the boy's birthday in 2 days.

All in all I have to say it was one of the best...if not the best Christmas' I've ever had. The exception will hopefully be next year...when I have my two babies to celebrate Christmas with! I feel truly blessed this year. I got just what I wanted for Christmas. Thank you Lord, for the best Christmas present ever...last year...this year...and every year after!

Merry Christmas Eve and 27 Weeks!

-->

I'm excited...and tired.  Seems I end nearly everything with "I'm tired" these days. *Smiles* But that's OK.  I have a very good reason for it. *wink* I can hardly believe that I'm under the 100 day mark.  We are sitting at 91 days left to go.  I'm headed out of the 2nd Trimester and into the 3rd! Only 3 months left! I still haven't made my mind up if I'm going to just schedule a c-section or try for a VBAC this time.  I'm still at the "Let's wait and see" point.  I do find myself going back and forth with it.  

I'm feeling "Lil' Stinker" move regularly which always puts a smile on my face.  Waiting for a sleepy baby to move has to be one of the most nerve wracking things ever in pregnancy.  Not to mention with it being holiday time, the last thing I would want to have to do is call the doctor (on Christmas) with worries about the babe not moving to drag him out and get walloped just as he walks through the office door.  So I pray baby decides to be active, but not have such a party that he/she rocks themselves out to the point of having to take the whole day off to rest to make up for the partying this weekend.  My next appointment is Monday.  I am assuming my glucose challenge test came back normal, they didn't call me to tell me it was otherwise, so that is a relief.  

You know, I wish I would have done the same thing I see other bloggers have done with their pregnancies...weekly updates on how you are feeling, cravings, milestones and best part of the week, etc.  I would have liked to do that with my first pregnancy too.  But, I was already pregnant when I began this blog, and this time around I was so caught up in Big C I nearly forgot I even had a blog!  Oh well, maybe next time...Lord willing. *smiles*  I am already feeling some aches and pains, nothing on the contraction front, just and occasional squeeze here and there.  My cousin came by today to pick up the Christmas presents she had shipped to my house for her daughters and had to double take.  She was surprised at just how *round* I am.  She just looked at me and said, "Wow, no way to mistake that pregnant belly."  I've popped considerably in the last 2 weeks.  I am waddling like a duck already, knocking things off my table and counter top and bending over....ugh...it's the pits.  I have to be holding onto something or I'm afraid I'll go overboard!  I try to avoid it as much as I can.  However, Big C takes great delight in just flinging EVERYTHING onto the floor these days.  I'm hoping it's a phase. *wink*

This is Big C's very first Christmas.  I'm thrilled to be blessed enough to experience it and discover its wonders with him. He's still too young to understand anything, but I love how I can already see the wonder and beauty of Christmas in those big blue eyes of his.  This is my best Christmas by far.  No, we aren't loaded down with presents, which don’t reflect the true meaning of Christmas anyway.  But we have some well thought out gifts for each other and those we love.  It is never about the quantity but the thought behind what was given.  My greatest gift this year is having a Christmas and a beautiful child to spend it with, for the first time since my mom passed away.  I said if I ever had a child, we would have Christmas, like we used to, again.  And we are.  I am eagerly awaiting settling down tonight, dressing Big C in his Christmas pajamas and tucking him in for the night.  We are charging the battery for the camcorder, the cameras are set and ready to go for tomorrow morning and the stockings have been hung.  Presents have been put under the tree and the last thing I'm waiting on is....baking cookies.  

Ugh.  I have all the stuff.  It's just sitting there on my counter...waiting to be put together.  And I really want to do it...because I want cookies darn it!  And not just any cookie...I was THESE cookies.  I wish they could just make themselves.  I've been preoccupied with getting presents wrapped; taking care of Big C and dealing with a whopper of a sinus infection this week...I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it.  I keep saying"OK, going to do it today" and today comes and goes and it's tomorrow!  But I just don't feel like baking a boatload of cookies while I'm sick.  But I really wanna eat them.  REAL BAD.  Well, they are the yummiest cookies ever!  But anyway....I'm gonna move on, I'm depressing myself over these cookies.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow.  Big C should have a ball ripping open his presents....he loves shredding paper...and eating it.  Sometimes I think he is part goat.  I know I'm going to bawl my eyes out when I put him to bed tonight because of it being the first Christmas and everything.  And I'll probably be bawling my eyes out tomorrow to while I watch him open presents.  Oh!  And his birthday....his 1st BIRTHDAY is 7 DAYS AWAY!  I can't believe it.  My bald baby...who has beautiful blonde hair now...is going to be a year old!  I'm just....I can't believe it went by so fast.  I've been busy putting plans together for his party.  Nearly everything is up in the air except for the theme.  It's a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Birthday Party.  He LOVES that show and dances to the Hot Dog song.  So while I'm ironing things out for his party, I've been gathering his Mickey Mouse stuff.  

Speaking of Big C and dancing.  There is no doubt that he is my mother's grandson.  Anyone who knew my mom knew how she loved Elvis Presley.  Seriously, I think she was his #1 fan.  I'm rather fond of his music myself and listened to a CD quite a bit while I was preggo with Big C.  But there is a commercial that comes on television for Verizon vs. AT&T and the music is Elvis singing "Blue Christmas."  Every time it comes on, Big C's head jerks around and he starts swinging his head...and hips (naturally...it's Elvis) and really getting into it.  He does the same thing when another commercial comes on with the "All Shook Up" song.  It is hilarious and at the same time just fills my heart because I know...I just know that my Mom is in there somewhere.  She gave him her love of Elvis!  *laughs*  Oh!  Yesterday, he also took his very first step...alone.  Not holding onto anything.  I nearly burst with excitement.  He only did it the one time...but hey...at least he did it!  I'm so proud of him.

I really wish K didn't have to work today.  The train is running a holiday schedule too, which means he won't get home until around 8pm.  Bummer.  I wanted to get some last minute preparations done and could use his help.  But, it will be fine.  I know why my mom loved this holiday so much.  Not only are we celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior, who was the greatest gift of all.  But it is a time to celebrate all God's blessings, our families, friends and the relationships we have with them.  A time to help those in need and to pray and remember those who have suffered losses and who are less fortunate than ourselves.  So thank you, God, for giving us your only Son, Lord Jesus.  And thank you for giving me all the blessings you have this year and those past.  And I pray that you will bestow blessing upon others in the coming year!  Amen! 

Merry Christmas, and a healthy and prosperous New Year and may God bless you all!

25 Weeks!

Today.  Just another 15 weeks to go before I get to see and hold my precious one who is flip flopping in my belly as I type.  I can't wait.  Well, part of me can't.  The other part will miss being pregnant and feeling life blossoming and growing inside me.  If I was never certain before, I am most certain now...God has a plan for all of us and it is nothing short of the perfect plan.  Yes, it doesn't always seem fair, but He knows what he is doing.  I find I am having to remind myself of that quite often.  Take me for instance.  Things have happened in my life that I felt feel aren't fair.  The death of my mother at such a young age being at the top of the list.  She was only 49 and had so much to live for.  She never got to see her daughter fall in love, get married and have children.  She will never get to know her grandchildren and they will never know her.  Mostly, it's unfair to me.  I have so many things I want to say to her, talk to her about, ask her advice on, experience with her...and she isn't here.  That's tough for me.  However, God does have the perfect plan for each and every one of us.  See, I never thought I would have a child.  But He made it so.  And He did it in His time...not mine.  He also made it that I became pregnant again with our second child...again in His time, not mine.  And you know, He is pretty smart. ;-)  Because I am the type of person who would be pregnant all the time.  No, seriously.  Yes, it is tough.  No one else wants me to be pregnant all the time because it's a pain to them.  But I LOVE IT.  I love feeling life inside me, I love listening to my baby's heart beat and seeing their image on ultrasound.  But most of all I love what happens once pregnancy is over and motherhood begins.  And I could easily experience it over and over and over if God allowed me to.  That might be one of the reasons I was not able to get pregnant during the whole 6 1/2 years I was married to my husband and using zero methods to prevent pregnancy.  I was married at 25 and got pregnant at 32.  I'm 33 and growing our second baby.  Can you imagine if I had started at 25 how many we might be up to by now?  But, God has a plan for me.  He knows what he is doing.  And if it is His will that I have 1 2 3 more babies, then so it shall be.  But I think I need a rest after this one. :-)

I am so tired.  I remember being somewhat tired with Big C, but I can't remember if it was this early in the pregnancy or not.  I never really did get my second wind that is supposed to come with the 2nd trimester.  But my OB reminded me that with second and subsequent pregnancies, you normally don't get that boost of energy as much as you did in your first pregnancy.  So ladies who are preggo with your first....take notes...it does get a little tougher the next time around.  I'm also noticing the normal pregnancy ailments most of us experience...a lot sooner this time around as well.  Again, my OB reminded me that I would be experiencing nearly everything earlier this time than I did with my first pregnancy.

I never actually told the story of discovering I was pregnant the second time here, but I will let you know that I knew I was pregnant at 1 week into it.  Sure you say, how is that possible, it is.  Literally at the moment of conception my body began to change and immediately I became exhausted.  That 1st trimester-I-feel-like-I've-just-run-a-marathon-and-I-haven't-even-made-it-out-of-bed kind of exhausted.  I after one week of that I knew I was either pregnant...or something was wrong with me and I needed to see the doctor.  I even went and bought a pregnancy test on July 2nd because I was so sure of what I was feeling.  I took the test and got a BFN result.  I thought, OK, I'm not...it must be something else going on.  But I swear to you I have never felt that tired except when I was pregnant.  So since my test was a two-pack, I took the other one on the 10th of July and got a barely visible, but it was there BFP.  I picked up another test just to be sure and took that on the 17th and it was a no mistake about it BFP.  The line was coming up and darkening within seconds of peeing on the stick!  And...I was joyous!

So you probably didn't want to hear or know all that, but hey, it makes me feel that much closer to you. :-)  With it being the holidays, I have so many things to do and just no energy to do them.  Cookies to bake, cinnamon cakes to bake, bread to bake.  Making dinner has now become a chore.  Running around after an 11 month old zaps what little energy I wake up with in a matter of minutes.  I have been going to bed right after he does these days.  I just can't help it.  To top it all off I've been running around with shopping and getting family photos done.  And the ever loving trip to the dentist.  It seems I can't go a pregnancy without a root canal.  Each time it has flared up too.  I'm taking penicillin now as prescribed by my dentist and OK'd by my OB since they feel it could be an infection starting.  The sucker is flipping pounding!  And of course, I can't take anything for pain other than Tylenol.  And let's face it....for a toothache, Tylenol is like taking a Tic Tac and saying it'll take the edge off.  Ummm...not.  So I'll be revisiting the dentist tomorrow morning.  Let's hope it turns out favorably.  Oh...I also got the proof for my Christmas card back and it looks great.  Perhaps a few of you will get to see one in person. ;-)  I'm also trying to figure out what to do for Big C's 1st Birthday.  I'm thinking a party here at home for him, just a small gathering of family.  I'll be baking his cake, plus another cake for the rest of us to enjoy...teehee.  I'm just thinking about a theme.  It might be Mickey Mouse since he seems to be into him lately.  Well, him, Handy Manny and Pooh.  But I have to have it pulled together by the 15th so I can let everyone know and plan ahead.

I'll leave you with some family photos we had done Saturday.  Enjoy!
-MoM-