Saving vs. Savior - Guest Blog by Shannon @ COARS

When I was originally asked by Stacey to guest blog for her, I was at a loss what to write. There is so many things that I could say, or rather things that are important to say. Then I thought, bc she has different readers then I do, is there any post that I have already written that I would like to share?

One post came to mind. I call it "Saving vs. Savior."

I chose this post bc I believe it bares repeating. I chose it bc (among many things) I think we all needed to be reminded that good things do come from bad, even if we can't see it that way in the midst of the storm.

It is one of my favorite that I written, since I started blogging in February of 2009. I have read it many times, for various reasons, each time taking away something different. It is my hope today that you will take something away from it too.

So, without further ado:




"Saving vs. Savior."
{Originally Published: 11.11.2009} 
I used to have a Savior Complex. Yes, I said used to.

Not anymore.

I remember a time - not so long ago (probably less than a year, in fact) - when I tried to save people. I had been doing it all my life. It's all I knew & it's what I did.

Saving friends, family, & love ones from their destructiveness. Trying to save myself in the process. Giving one more chance to those who truly did not deserve it. Giving the benefit of the doubt, time & again. Choosing to see the good in everyone - no matter what.

So, What changed?

Everything.

People move on. Grow apart. Live life without you. Get sick. Cures aren't found. Friends are murdered. Love ones commit suicide. People die.

No matter how good of a friend I am - no matter how much time I spend with them, on the phone, in the hospital or where ever. No matter how much I sacrifice. No matter how much I love them. I cannot change things. I cannot save them.

Years ago, back in high school, I had several of my friends commit suicide in a VERY short period of time of one another. It started with a friend of mine, Quinn. I spent hours upon hours on the phone with him. In the end, he had the last word & with the sound of a gunshot, he was gone.

Twelve very short days later, my friend Bryan died the same way, only I wasn't on the phone at the time. And it didn't end with Byran, but neither did the lessons or the blessings. You heard me right, I said blessings.

Did you happen to notice my quote on this very blog? If not, here it is: "Some of the greatest gifts in life are birthed from tragedy." ~ Me. And it is so true.

Sometime after Quinn died, I, who had been extremely suicidal myself for more than a decade, decided that I could not do that to my friends & family. I could not leave them with a legacy of such unbearable, intense pain that only a suicide death causes, uniquely different from any other death. It took me time years to realize this, but I'm so glad I did. And, I must say, things change when you finally choose to stay alive.

When Bryan died, I started a new friendship with someone who is still one of my greatest friends, even though both of our lives are insanely busy & complex, causing us not to get together as often as we would prefer. A friend that I absolutely know - without a doubt - that I would not have had Byran lived. Who is she? His mom, Madeline.


{Madeline & Me, 7.25.2008}
I could go on & on about lessons & blessings, but won't. The important thing is that I started to learn then & I continue to learn now is this - it is not my job to save anyone. It never was. I'll say that again -

It is not my job to save anyone. It never was.

I know now what I never saw before. I did not realize that I am only human. I am not a savior & more importantly, I am not the Savior.

So yes, I cannot save you. I cannot rescue you. It is not up to me. I can only be your wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, & friend. That is in my capabilities.

As for saving, look around, He is always there.

A Letter To God

Dear Lord,

It's me, Stacey.  I know we haven't talked in while and I'm really sorry about that.  I've had a lot on my mind lately.  Well, I guess you already know that, huh?  I have something important I want to talk to you about.  You know how most nights, but not every night, like I wish I did, I thank you for my family, my babies and every wonderful thing that you have blessed me with?  Then how I follow that up with asking you to help me be a good mom, and to keep my babies safe, healthy and alive, and the same for K, J & Dad?  And I will also pray for other folks who's blogs, or tweets or Face book entries I've read who are having a tough time and could really use a little extra attention from you.  Well, I want to do something in addition to that today.

I want you to never let me forget how fortunate and blessed I am to have Big C & Little C in my life.  I waited a long time for them, true.  But you did give them to me.  In your time.  In dealing with my postpartum depression/anxiety I experience a tremendous amount of guilt after I "lose it" and have time to reflect on how I behaved.  God, I need your help with this.  I need strength to get through it.  I know you will hold my hand and walk me out of the woods of PPD.  But just in case I forgot to tell you, I need your help.  I keep thinking that this is something I should do on my own.  I know, silly.  The Bible tells us:

"Cast your cares on the LORD 
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall." --Psalm 55:22

 So, here they are Lord.  I'm giving you everything I've got.  I will continue to ask you to keep my children healthy, safe and alive.  And the same for K & my family.  I will continue to ask you to give comfort, hope, justice and grace to those I know personally & those I know by screen name only.  I will ask you to hold all of us close to your heart, even though I know you already do.

Before I go, I want to thank you for something else.  The bad things that have happened.  Sure I would have rather they not, but I understand that it wasn't something you did.  It wasn't something you let happen.  It just did.  The important thing was that you were there to pick up the pieces afterward.  You gave me strength when I was weak.  You showed me that you have a plan for me and even though bad things might happen, you still love me and that your plan will take shape no matter what.  You have taught me that good things can come from tragedy.  You have taught me that if I put my faith & trust in you, all things are possible.  Especially when I myself had given up hope.

Thank you, Lord.  For never forsaking me.  For never giving up on me, even though at one time, I gave up on you.  Thank you for loving me as only a Father (or Mother) can love their child.  Completely, unconditionally and infinitely.  Never let me forget Lord, what a blessing my children are and how thankful I am you have let me borrow them from you during my time here on Earth.  I love you.

Faithfully,

S

Blessings

I've been given many more than I deserve.  My son, Big C and the baby I am now carrying are among the most notable for obvious reasons.  But I'm so grateful for my life in general.  Sure, things can be sucky at times.  I have my good days and bad days.  Everyone does.  But as a whole, I couldn't be happier.

My 13 month-old baby boy took his first steps by himself on Tuesday.  And there has been no slowing down since.  Sure, prior he's taken one to two steps on his own.  But Tuesday night...he walked 8 feet....8 FEET!  All by himself.  Well Daddy did encourage him.  Now he is doing it on his own without encouragement.  All the while a huge grin on his face.  Can I tell you?  My heart melted and I bawled my eyes out.  I was so happy and so proud of my little boy.  I was so thankful to God that I have a child to experience these things with.  I was also a little saddened because this is another sign that my darling little newborn, my infant, my baby is growing up.

Here is a video if you'd like to see him!  (You'll have to have a Facebook account but don't need to be a friend of mine to view the video)  Big C Walking

He really is an amazing kid and not just because he is mine.  I honestly get comments on him all the time.  He is just a sweet, loving little boy.  He is so good when I take him anywhere.  Even when he has to sit there for an hour.  He just looks around, smiling at people and waving as they walk by.  This kid melts my heart every time I look at him.  I am totally in love with him and I can never adequately thank God enough.  So I just try to tell Him thank you as much and as often as I can.  He is super smart.  We don't have lots of words but if you hold up a picture of a dog, or cow, pig, chicken, or horse he will make the appropriate sound.  He'll also do it if you ask him, "What does the cow say? or What sound does a pig make?"  That's my boy. :-)

I had a 3D sonogram done today and I was able to see my baby in the flesh for the first time.  I was so overcome with emotion I cried.  And I realized, again how blessed I am.  I am so thankful for my babies.  My two beautiful healthy babies.  I am gaining more and more excitement as the days grow closer.  I will miss feeling the baby move inside me, but will be crazy happy that I'm feeling him or her in my arms instead.

Thank you, Lord for all the blessings you have given me.

Sometimes things have happened that I certainly felt were not blessings.  But He knows the plan He has for me.  And His plan has lead me to a wonderful husband and two beautiful children.

When it Rains, It Pours...

And I think I'm finally realizing what it is like to let God be my umbrella. I'm always finding myself yearning to be more spiritual than I am. And I think that is a good thing. At times I feel lost and like I don't really know what to do. Is there a certain way I should be praying, am I doing it right? Should I being doing something before praying so that my being a sinner doesn't just cancel it out? Some of those questions may seem silly. And perhaps they are. But I find myself constantly questioning myself and wondering if I'm doing things the right way. As if I don't worship in the proper order it doesn't count. Why do I feel this way? I wish I knew. It is as if I am compelled to do things in an orderly fashion. Everyone I spoken to about God, worship, faith and prayer has told me that there is no *order* that you can simply talk to Him. So, no actual prayers? Like, if I don't say the Lord's Prayer each time, He will still listen to me?

Now you may think to yourself,

"My goodness, this poor woman hasn't the faintest and how sad."

Well, yeah, you are probably right. But that is why I'm having this introspective moment and trying to figure out what it is that compels me to think like this and inadvertently puts up a wall between my relationship with God. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't have complete faith in Him, or that I don't love Him or want to praise and worship Him. I do. I just, always feel like I have to follow some rule or something, otherwise my prayers, my praise and my thanks might not get heard. Why is that?! It's so frustrating. It's so difficult to have everyone tell you that there are no rules, these is no order or pattern that must be followed. But I can't seem to just let that go. What the heck is wrong with me?

I do simply talk to Him. Tell Him what is on my mind. Ask for His help. Thank Him for all the wonderful things He has given to me. But I feel like something is missing. Like there should be more. Even when I do say prayers along with my just talking to Him, I feel like I have not completed something. That I am inadequate. I know that I am, but I am speaking in regards to my relationship with Him. That I'm dropping the ball. I just wish I knew what the missing part was and what I needed to do find it.

So many things have happened over this last week. My brother is still in the hospital and I'm so desperately worried about him. I'm worried about my son getting sick with the same thing. I have my 3rd OB appointment on Monday and I'm worried I won't hear the baby's heartbeat or that something might be wrong. I would go through the details here, but there is so much, I just don't feel like I've enough energy to write it all down now.

I have been talking to the Lord a lot more these days. And it feels good to to able to lay my burdens down in front of Him, I just can't seem to loosen my grasp on them and let Him have them completely. I feel guilty about it. I feel as though He might view me as selfish because I want him to keep my family safe and healthy, to keep my son from getting ill and to heal the infection that is ravaging my brother. Like I am not worthy enough to ask such things of Him. I don't deserve it. And it breaks my heart because I fear that because I don't deserve His mercy, that my brother will get worse, my son will get sick and my family won't stay healthy. Isn't that ridiculous? I know that God is love. That He is unchanging and that what He wanted for us in the beginning, He still wants for us. Otherwise He would not have sent His only Son to be crucified for our salvation.

I mean, He has done things for me that I don't think I could ever thank Him adequately enough for. He gave me a son. A child that I yearned for and never thought I would have. And he is perfect, healthy and just amazing. And not only has He given me Big C, but He has Blessed me with another child who is in my womb. Not just one child, but two. What have I ever done for God to deserve such a Blessing? I am a sinner. My sins hurt Him, yet He still loves me enough to give me the greatest thing I think I could ever ask for, and that is being a mother. Wow, I am just so confused. Perhaps some of this is just *pregnancy hormones* talking and that is why I am contradicting myself somewhat. I don't know.

What I do know is that I want to expand my relationship with Him. I want to deepen it and I want to stop feeling as though I'm not doing something right when talking to Him. Now, I just need to figure out how to do that.

-MoM-