A Letter To God

Dear Lord,

It's me, Stacey.  I know we haven't talked in while and I'm really sorry about that.  I've had a lot on my mind lately.  Well, I guess you already know that, huh?  I have something important I want to talk to you about.  You know how most nights, but not every night, like I wish I did, I thank you for my family, my babies and every wonderful thing that you have blessed me with?  Then how I follow that up with asking you to help me be a good mom, and to keep my babies safe, healthy and alive, and the same for K, J & Dad?  And I will also pray for other folks who's blogs, or tweets or Face book entries I've read who are having a tough time and could really use a little extra attention from you.  Well, I want to do something in addition to that today.

I want you to never let me forget how fortunate and blessed I am to have Big C & Little C in my life.  I waited a long time for them, true.  But you did give them to me.  In your time.  In dealing with my postpartum depression/anxiety I experience a tremendous amount of guilt after I "lose it" and have time to reflect on how I behaved.  God, I need your help with this.  I need strength to get through it.  I know you will hold my hand and walk me out of the woods of PPD.  But just in case I forgot to tell you, I need your help.  I keep thinking that this is something I should do on my own.  I know, silly.  The Bible tells us:

"Cast your cares on the LORD 
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall." --Psalm 55:22

 So, here they are Lord.  I'm giving you everything I've got.  I will continue to ask you to keep my children healthy, safe and alive.  And the same for K & my family.  I will continue to ask you to give comfort, hope, justice and grace to those I know personally & those I know by screen name only.  I will ask you to hold all of us close to your heart, even though I know you already do.

Before I go, I want to thank you for something else.  The bad things that have happened.  Sure I would have rather they not, but I understand that it wasn't something you did.  It wasn't something you let happen.  It just did.  The important thing was that you were there to pick up the pieces afterward.  You gave me strength when I was weak.  You showed me that you have a plan for me and even though bad things might happen, you still love me and that your plan will take shape no matter what.  You have taught me that good things can come from tragedy.  You have taught me that if I put my faith & trust in you, all things are possible.  Especially when I myself had given up hope.

Thank you, Lord.  For never forsaking me.  For never giving up on me, even though at one time, I gave up on you.  Thank you for loving me as only a Father (or Mother) can love their child.  Completely, unconditionally and infinitely.  Never let me forget Lord, what a blessing my children are and how thankful I am you have let me borrow them from you during my time here on Earth.  I love you.

Faithfully,

S

Hope Floats

~ Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again ~ Sarah  Ban Breathnach

We say it a lot.  "I hope..." has been at the beginning of many sentences for me throughout the years.  But I'm not sure I really understood what "Hope" meant.  I can look it up in the dictionary and get the definition.  But that isn't what I'm talking about.  Hope can be many different things to many different people.  Some use the term loosely while others take much caution.

When we are young, it normally takes the form of a wish.  A deep desire to "have" something.  For a child, it might be a special toy.  To the teenager, the affections of a secret crush.  As we get older though and we have experienced life, many of us come to realize that even though we have our own free will, that God has a plan for each and every one of us.  If it is His will, then it shall be done.  No matter how much we hope for a different outcome.  But being an adult, we also begin to rely more on our faith, than on our hope.  We have faith that God will provide and take care of us because we know he will, we don't have to wish for it.  

But hope isn't just a wish and it isn't just faith.  It is a combination of both.  It is something that drives us to continue to have faith to continue the fight to make that wish a reality.  

~When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."~

This lead me to examine what it is that gives me hope?  That list could be endless.  When my babies smile at me, it gives me hope that someday they will know how much I love them.  On days when I feel inadequate, like I could be so much better than I am, hope tells me that tomorrow will be better, if I fight hard enough for it.  Hope is the contented sigh of Little C, as she snuggles deeper into my neck at 4am after I've finished feeding her.  It tells me that she feels safe with me, she trusts me and that she loves me.  Sometimes, it is the wet, sloppy kisses from Big C, when I don't even ask for them.

My hope is that I overcome postpartum depression.  My wish is that my children never feel its effects.  I have faith in God that it won't.

What is it for you?