Saving vs. Savior - Guest Blog by Shannon @ COARS

When I was originally asked by Stacey to guest blog for her, I was at a loss what to write. There is so many things that I could say, or rather things that are important to say. Then I thought, bc she has different readers then I do, is there any post that I have already written that I would like to share?

One post came to mind. I call it "Saving vs. Savior."

I chose this post bc I believe it bares repeating. I chose it bc (among many things) I think we all needed to be reminded that good things do come from bad, even if we can't see it that way in the midst of the storm.

It is one of my favorite that I written, since I started blogging in February of 2009. I have read it many times, for various reasons, each time taking away something different. It is my hope today that you will take something away from it too.

So, without further ado:




"Saving vs. Savior."
{Originally Published: 11.11.2009} 
I used to have a Savior Complex. Yes, I said used to.

Not anymore.

I remember a time - not so long ago (probably less than a year, in fact) - when I tried to save people. I had been doing it all my life. It's all I knew & it's what I did.

Saving friends, family, & love ones from their destructiveness. Trying to save myself in the process. Giving one more chance to those who truly did not deserve it. Giving the benefit of the doubt, time & again. Choosing to see the good in everyone - no matter what.

So, What changed?

Everything.

People move on. Grow apart. Live life without you. Get sick. Cures aren't found. Friends are murdered. Love ones commit suicide. People die.

No matter how good of a friend I am - no matter how much time I spend with them, on the phone, in the hospital or where ever. No matter how much I sacrifice. No matter how much I love them. I cannot change things. I cannot save them.

Years ago, back in high school, I had several of my friends commit suicide in a VERY short period of time of one another. It started with a friend of mine, Quinn. I spent hours upon hours on the phone with him. In the end, he had the last word & with the sound of a gunshot, he was gone.

Twelve very short days later, my friend Bryan died the same way, only I wasn't on the phone at the time. And it didn't end with Byran, but neither did the lessons or the blessings. You heard me right, I said blessings.

Did you happen to notice my quote on this very blog? If not, here it is: "Some of the greatest gifts in life are birthed from tragedy." ~ Me. And it is so true.

Sometime after Quinn died, I, who had been extremely suicidal myself for more than a decade, decided that I could not do that to my friends & family. I could not leave them with a legacy of such unbearable, intense pain that only a suicide death causes, uniquely different from any other death. It took me time years to realize this, but I'm so glad I did. And, I must say, things change when you finally choose to stay alive.

When Bryan died, I started a new friendship with someone who is still one of my greatest friends, even though both of our lives are insanely busy & complex, causing us not to get together as often as we would prefer. A friend that I absolutely know - without a doubt - that I would not have had Byran lived. Who is she? His mom, Madeline.


{Madeline & Me, 7.25.2008}
I could go on & on about lessons & blessings, but won't. The important thing is that I started to learn then & I continue to learn now is this - it is not my job to save anyone. It never was. I'll say that again -

It is not my job to save anyone. It never was.

I know now what I never saw before. I did not realize that I am only human. I am not a savior & more importantly, I am not the Savior.

So yes, I cannot save you. I cannot rescue you. It is not up to me. I can only be your wife, daughter, sister, aunt, niece, & friend. That is in my capabilities.

As for saving, look around, He is always there.

A Letter To God

Dear Lord,

It's me, Stacey.  I know we haven't talked in while and I'm really sorry about that.  I've had a lot on my mind lately.  Well, I guess you already know that, huh?  I have something important I want to talk to you about.  You know how most nights, but not every night, like I wish I did, I thank you for my family, my babies and every wonderful thing that you have blessed me with?  Then how I follow that up with asking you to help me be a good mom, and to keep my babies safe, healthy and alive, and the same for K, J & Dad?  And I will also pray for other folks who's blogs, or tweets or Face book entries I've read who are having a tough time and could really use a little extra attention from you.  Well, I want to do something in addition to that today.

I want you to never let me forget how fortunate and blessed I am to have Big C & Little C in my life.  I waited a long time for them, true.  But you did give them to me.  In your time.  In dealing with my postpartum depression/anxiety I experience a tremendous amount of guilt after I "lose it" and have time to reflect on how I behaved.  God, I need your help with this.  I need strength to get through it.  I know you will hold my hand and walk me out of the woods of PPD.  But just in case I forgot to tell you, I need your help.  I keep thinking that this is something I should do on my own.  I know, silly.  The Bible tells us:

"Cast your cares on the LORD 
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall." --Psalm 55:22

 So, here they are Lord.  I'm giving you everything I've got.  I will continue to ask you to keep my children healthy, safe and alive.  And the same for K & my family.  I will continue to ask you to give comfort, hope, justice and grace to those I know personally & those I know by screen name only.  I will ask you to hold all of us close to your heart, even though I know you already do.

Before I go, I want to thank you for something else.  The bad things that have happened.  Sure I would have rather they not, but I understand that it wasn't something you did.  It wasn't something you let happen.  It just did.  The important thing was that you were there to pick up the pieces afterward.  You gave me strength when I was weak.  You showed me that you have a plan for me and even though bad things might happen, you still love me and that your plan will take shape no matter what.  You have taught me that good things can come from tragedy.  You have taught me that if I put my faith & trust in you, all things are possible.  Especially when I myself had given up hope.

Thank you, Lord.  For never forsaking me.  For never giving up on me, even though at one time, I gave up on you.  Thank you for loving me as only a Father (or Mother) can love their child.  Completely, unconditionally and infinitely.  Never let me forget Lord, what a blessing my children are and how thankful I am you have let me borrow them from you during my time here on Earth.  I love you.

Faithfully,

S

Hope Floats

~ Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again ~ Sarah  Ban Breathnach

We say it a lot.  "I hope..." has been at the beginning of many sentences for me throughout the years.  But I'm not sure I really understood what "Hope" meant.  I can look it up in the dictionary and get the definition.  But that isn't what I'm talking about.  Hope can be many different things to many different people.  Some use the term loosely while others take much caution.

When we are young, it normally takes the form of a wish.  A deep desire to "have" something.  For a child, it might be a special toy.  To the teenager, the affections of a secret crush.  As we get older though and we have experienced life, many of us come to realize that even though we have our own free will, that God has a plan for each and every one of us.  If it is His will, then it shall be done.  No matter how much we hope for a different outcome.  But being an adult, we also begin to rely more on our faith, than on our hope.  We have faith that God will provide and take care of us because we know he will, we don't have to wish for it.  

But hope isn't just a wish and it isn't just faith.  It is a combination of both.  It is something that drives us to continue to have faith to continue the fight to make that wish a reality.  

~When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."~

This lead me to examine what it is that gives me hope?  That list could be endless.  When my babies smile at me, it gives me hope that someday they will know how much I love them.  On days when I feel inadequate, like I could be so much better than I am, hope tells me that tomorrow will be better, if I fight hard enough for it.  Hope is the contented sigh of Little C, as she snuggles deeper into my neck at 4am after I've finished feeding her.  It tells me that she feels safe with me, she trusts me and that she loves me.  Sometimes, it is the wet, sloppy kisses from Big C, when I don't even ask for them.

My hope is that I overcome postpartum depression.  My wish is that my children never feel its effects.  I have faith in God that it won't.

What is it for you?

I Thought We Were In The Home Stretch

With the acid reflux.  But no.  Little C had her 2 month check up on Monday.  Things went well.  She is in the 60-75th percentiles for height & weight and 90% for head size, which Dr. L said was just fine.  She has that nice, round c-section head shape.  Anyway, we discussed her crying/colic situation.  And he saw it first hand for himself.  It is his opinion that even though the gas issue has improved that she is hypersensitive.  Meaning she will cry at the drop of a hat if she is disturbed.  He told me not to worry and that most babies do grow out of this at about 3-4 months.  So, we will see, we've 4-6 more weeks to go.  He reflux seemed to be getting under control until Tuesday night.  It was horrible.  She was spitting up every single time I burped her, bringing it through her nose and then going into a flat out panic, squeezing her eyes shut, shaking, unable to catch her breath and then finally screaming hysterically.  Even after the episode was over I noticed her squeezing her hands tightly into fists, arching her back and throwing her legs straight out, literally she probably could have stood straight up if I had been holding her that way, while she screamed.  Not cried.  Oh no.  This was flat out hysterical, panicked screaming that clearly says, "Something is wrong."  It was the kind of scream where you knew immediately it meant "I am in pain."  I couldn't get her to eat any more formula either.  I finally got her settled down and she did sleep through the night.  She awoke at 4:30am and drank her whole 4 ounce bottle and we had no problems.  I was relieved.

Then came later that morning.  I tried to feed her again at 8:30am.  The same thing happened.  She drank, burped and spit up bringing it through her nose, panicked, screamed, cried and continued writhing in pain, refusing to drink any additional formula.  I called the pediatrician and told him what was going on.  He told me to stop the Zantac and called in a script for Prevacid.  Hoping this will remedy her problem.  I do too.  Things have been unchanged thus far, but she has only had 2 doses.  I worry that I can't get her to drink more than 2-3 ounces at a feeding.  She is clearly not herself.  And although she may be hypersensitive and crying a lot, she is still my sweet girl and I want her crying because she can cry, not because she is in pain.

This is a real blow for me considering the PPD.  The feelings of being inadequate and worthless as a mother did rear their ugly heads yesterday.  It happened during the time that Little C was screaming and crying so hard that I broke down and I cried with her.  I yelled at God and asked why He was doing this to me, to immediately apologize to Him and again feel guilty and shameful over my outburst and inability to control myself from yelling like a loon at the crucifix on my wall.  I looked at my screaming baby, in obvious pain and distress and could do nothing.  Nothing.  I can't make this go away.  Helpless.  I can't even soothe her when she gets like this.  She almost has to cry herself out because she gets into such hysterics and that also scares me.  I don't want my baby doing this to herself day after day.

I've also got other things going on that isn't helping my situation.  The dog with cancer is at the vet.  I'm waiting to hear back from him as I type this.  While I was at the pediatrician with Little C on Monday, my brother called me to tell me, Savannah...my very old Bulldog died.  Granted I know she was old, less than 2 months shy of her 14th birthday, which is unheard of in Bulldogs.  Still, it was something I wish wouldn't have had to happen NOW.  And I don't even want to get into the situation with one of the horses.  Ugh...she really gouged herself up and so I've been playing veterinarian to her as well.  Having to come in and shower before I can touch my kids because I certainly am not going to transmit any kind of infection/bacteria from the animals outside to my kids.  Again, it would have been nice if this didn't happen at all...but especially not now.

Oh and I also didn't mention my father getting into a car accident on Saturday.  He was rear ended by a driver in a SUV who was then hit by the car behind him.  My dad was waiting to make a turn when the guy behind him tried to go around him, he must have been in a big hurry and plowed into the back of my dad's car.  Its an old car...a 1986 Buick.  So there was no collision on it.  And they are going to total it since it can't be driven.  If they decide they can fix it I'll be very surprised.  My Dad hit his head, blacked out for a few minutes and had a good bit of bleeding.  But he refused treatment saying with was only a scratch and that he was fine.  I begged him to let me take him to the hospital or to an urgent care facility at least.  And he refused...telling me he didn't want to hear any more about it.  My Dad is 71.  He is the only grandparent these kids really have as my in-laws are 3,000 miles away in Oregon and my mother is dead.  Big C adores my father.  This has been stressing me out.  I love my father and he is the only parent I have left as well.  I don't want anything happening to him because of his stubborness and refusal to see a doctor.  Especially if it could have been avoided altogether.  But what else can I do?  I can't *make* him.  And I tried.  I laid guilt trips on him and everything and he won't budge.

I so need to find the strength to get us all through this.  Now if only someone could drop a big chunk of it in my lap for me.

I'd Like To Introduce You...

to my Daughter, Little C.  Born March 24, 2010 via c-section at 8:33am, 8lbs. 3oz. and 19.5 inches.  Thank you, Lord for our beautiful, healthy and wonderful baby girl!

 I've been busy being a Mommy to Little C, Big C and trying to recuperate from the c-section.  So I apologize for not posting sooner.

In these first weeks, I will be pretty scarce.  Not just because I'm a new Mommy again, but we've an entire new schedule to try and hammer out which includes getting Big C on a new schedule as well.  Other things have been going on in the family as well which I will save for another day.  Right now, I just want to share a photo of Little C.  The birth story will have to wait for another day. *smile*  Needless to say, I'm madly in love with her and she is the perfect addition to our family.

Blessings

I've been given many more than I deserve.  My son, Big C and the baby I am now carrying are among the most notable for obvious reasons.  But I'm so grateful for my life in general.  Sure, things can be sucky at times.  I have my good days and bad days.  Everyone does.  But as a whole, I couldn't be happier.

My 13 month-old baby boy took his first steps by himself on Tuesday.  And there has been no slowing down since.  Sure, prior he's taken one to two steps on his own.  But Tuesday night...he walked 8 feet....8 FEET!  All by himself.  Well Daddy did encourage him.  Now he is doing it on his own without encouragement.  All the while a huge grin on his face.  Can I tell you?  My heart melted and I bawled my eyes out.  I was so happy and so proud of my little boy.  I was so thankful to God that I have a child to experience these things with.  I was also a little saddened because this is another sign that my darling little newborn, my infant, my baby is growing up.

Here is a video if you'd like to see him!  (You'll have to have a Facebook account but don't need to be a friend of mine to view the video)  Big C Walking

He really is an amazing kid and not just because he is mine.  I honestly get comments on him all the time.  He is just a sweet, loving little boy.  He is so good when I take him anywhere.  Even when he has to sit there for an hour.  He just looks around, smiling at people and waving as they walk by.  This kid melts my heart every time I look at him.  I am totally in love with him and I can never adequately thank God enough.  So I just try to tell Him thank you as much and as often as I can.  He is super smart.  We don't have lots of words but if you hold up a picture of a dog, or cow, pig, chicken, or horse he will make the appropriate sound.  He'll also do it if you ask him, "What does the cow say? or What sound does a pig make?"  That's my boy. :-)

I had a 3D sonogram done today and I was able to see my baby in the flesh for the first time.  I was so overcome with emotion I cried.  And I realized, again how blessed I am.  I am so thankful for my babies.  My two beautiful healthy babies.  I am gaining more and more excitement as the days grow closer.  I will miss feeling the baby move inside me, but will be crazy happy that I'm feeling him or her in my arms instead.

Thank you, Lord for all the blessings you have given me.

Sometimes things have happened that I certainly felt were not blessings.  But He knows the plan He has for me.  And His plan has lead me to a wonderful husband and two beautiful children.

Wish List Wednesday

I've recently started following another blog and she does something called Wish List Wednesday.  In my real life, I don't ask for a whole lot.  I ask the Lord to keep and protect my family, my children, husband and my home including pets/animals.  Keep them safe, healthy and to guide those I love to make the right choices when presented with temptation.  I also include myself in that list.

That being said, the dreamer side of myself would love lots of things!  So this fun blog Wednesday Wish List was perfect for me!  Thank you to Jennifer over at The Foster Family blog for the idea and invitation to join in!

Right now what I'd really love to have is the Hoover Cordless Stick Vac.  I recently had the old, garish carpeting ripped up out of my living room and dining room and had the hardwoods under it refinished.  Clean up is wonderful...BUT.  I have a dog and 2 cats running around.  And the hair that drops off these critters is mind-blowing.  I'm still glad I did it though.  All I need to do is just think about that being trapped in carpeting while Big C sits on the floor playing.  But it does make for a lot of sweeping and dry mopping which is OK...but it just never seems to get *enough* for me.  And since this is Wish List Wednesday and I can put down anything I want...this is it!

Oh yeah..is there another thing I'd love to have.  Maybe even two of them would be nice!  The Healthy Mist Ultrasonic Humidifier by Air Innovations.  My home is so dry in the winter.  My little guy is suffering from dry, inflamed nasal passages (as am I and hubby) and the humidifier in his room (which is a very small room) just isn't cutting it.  It raises the humidity in his room 1% if that.  Most of the time it's exactly the same...and therefore, useless.  But I still run it, case...you know...it might work one day. *Rolls eyes at myself*

So that's it for this week.  Those are the things that would be at the top of my wish list!

A Note To Fellow Bloggers, 29 Weeks Update & Random Thoughts

29 weeks already!  Sometimes it feels like it's going slow, but being busy with Big C has helped in that department.  I think I'm pretty close to making the decision to just go and schedule a c-section.  I'll wait until my next sonogram @ 32 weeks, but I'm almost 100% on going ahead with it.  I have 10 weeks until I get to see and hold this baby.  I still can't believe it sometimes.  I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but I am so truly blessed and thankful to God for my son and this newest baby.  I am not without my own trials that I've had to face, but I have been fortunate to get pregnant on my own, without medical intervention, maintain a healthy pregnancy and deliver (even if by c-section) a healthy, happy handsome little boy.  AND I am fortunate to again been able to conceive, and so far so good on maintaining a healthy pregnancy and I pray it will continue to a problem free delivery and a happy, healthy baby.

K and I got married in August of 2001.  And although we didn't immediately start trying to have a baby, we didn't prevent it either.  I've battled with female troubles since I was 14 years old.  Had my first D&C @ 14 then had to have another @ 16.  My hormones have never cooperated and were in *wacky* mode all the time.  Skipping a period or 2 then bleeding non-stop for the better part of 8 weeks.  I have been put on probably 3/4 of the birth control pills known to man in order to try to regulate my cycle.  Some worked, some didn't.  I've had ovarian cysts in the past as well.  After I got married, I began weaning myself off the BC pills...hoping that my cycles would continue to be normalish.  And for a while they were.  Normalish for me is just having a cycle once a month.  I never have and never will be an every xx day kinda girl.  One month it'll be a 25 days cycle, the next month it's 32 days.  Long story short, after a few months I kicked the BC completely and was cycling once a month.  The months passed, and so did the years and I never conceived.  Hubs and I pretty much gave up on the notion of it happening for us.  We talked and thought about fertility treatments of various sorts and the potential of having to consider IVF if Clomid wasn't successful.  And IVF was just something we could not afford.  We just didn't have that kind of money to put out in a chunk.  So we decided that if God had planned for us to have a child or children, then it would happen.  It was out of our hands.  God did have a plan and he did give us a beautiful son.  He decided when, not me.  You know, 6+ years is a long time when you are TTC.  I know what the longing feels like.  I know that twinge you feel when you see mothers with their babies.  When you see friends and family having babies, and there you sit with an empty womb and empty arms.  I was never jealous, but I did hope that one day, I'd have a baby of my own to love and cherish.

I follow many blogs.  And I have been there with you when you have written about your disappointment of a BFN.  The profoundness of experiencing a loss, be it before or after a delivery.  I have sat here and shed countless tears for you...with you.  I have prayed for you.  I have gone to bed at night thinking of you and admiring your strength, courage and faith.  For those of you that have experienced wonderful things after such heartbreak, I have laughed, jumped up and down and cried with happiness for you.  And for those still waiting, I wait with you, praying and hoping that you find the happiness you are seeking.  I'm not a stalker...seriously.  But just so you know, you have another person in your corner, rooting you on and ready to celebrate your victory.

OK, so I know that was a bit heavy so on to 29 week news.  I see my doctor again in a few weeks and I really need to ask him.  "Why does my crotch feel like it's going to fall out?"  No, really.  It's not the baby-feels-like-it-is-going-to-fall-out pressure.  It's my pelvis.  I think I can hear it crying.  It hurts SO bad.  It hurts to just walk, but if I try to swing a leg over a gate, or heck just lift it up high enough to step into the tub to take a shower it feels as though it is going to crumble.  I never had this with my first pregnancy, so I am assuming it might have something to do with only having 6 months to recover from a 9 month pregnancy and a c-section before getting pregnant again.  By week definition I am 7 months pregnant.  I've been experiencing and expecting discomforts.  But this one in particular is totally new for me.

Sleeping is off and on sucky.  Some nights are good, others...meh.  Half of it is because I get clogged and can't breathe...thank you sinuses and allergies.  I'm still tired, but I found myself needing a nap while the boy napped this morning.  Not that I felt like taking a nap.  I mean I needed it.  The babe still moves a bit erratically, which throws me into panic mode.  But I keep reminding myself as long as I feel something no matter how subtle, things are OK.  This was the part that drove me crazy with Big C.  I wanted him out because I couldn't stand not being able to *check* on him all the time.  So if he decided to take a snoozer day, I freaked thinking something was wrong.  On the same note, I wanted him in because inside he was protected from all the outside dangers.

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and I'm coming to the realization while talking to her that being a parent, a mommy isn't just hard in the sense of the word.  But I find myself worrying about Big C all the time.  I mean even in the sense of him being an adult.  I want him to grow up into a good man.  Not an alcoholic or drug addict or a player who just uses and manipulates women.  I want him to want to be a good man himself.  I don't want him doing stupid things like drinking and driving or getting into a car with someone who has.  I see news reports of someone running a child over with a car only to leave the scene and my heart stops for a moment, worried that that fate could find my son.  And that is only part of it.  More immediately the thoughts rolling in my head are how boys do silly and risky things to show off.  How am I going to teach him to be cautious without being afraid to try new things?  I mean sometimes it can be a fine line between going out for the football team and wanting to do stunts on a dirt bike.  No, really!

I don't want to be the crazy mother who never lets him do anything, or sends him out of the house with bubble wrap duct taped to his entire body.  But I also don't want to just let him "Live & Learn".  I can't.  He is a child and doesn't know *how* live and learn works!  What lesson will have been taught to him if he kills himself or ends up in the hospital paralyzed?  I am a chronic worry wart.  And yeah, I probably should be seeking therapy for it before I make my children worse than me.  For now, I'll just continue to pray that he and the baby stay safe, make good decisions and ask the Lord to keep them and protect them.  After all it is His plan and if anyone can keep them from harm, it is Him.

-MoM-

Our First Christmas

It was amazing! I laughed, I cried about fifty times each throughout the day. Big C was so wired the poor kid had to take a nap in between opening presents. Seriously. I had to take him back to sleep then finish opening his gifts after he woke up and ate lunch.

We started out the morning with some yummy French Toast. Big C ate 95% of two pieces...complete with butter, syrup and some powdered sugar. Look...it's Christmas and it wasn't like the french toast was drowning in the stuff. But it probably was why he was a lunatic and crashed before he could get through all his presents. So I'm new a being a Mom...I'll learn.

After sticky hands and face were wiped clean it was time to head to the tree to begin shredding paper like no one's business. Cause he likes paper....a lot. Likes to eat it...perhaps part goat...I dunno. Fired up the camcorder and I sat my fat tush down on the floor with him to help open. I was sure I wasn't going to be able to get back up. My belly has popped and gravity loves to pull me forward. But dang it...this was my first child's first Christmas....I was getting my pregnant can down on that floor to open presents with him even if it took the entirety of the volunteer fire company to get me back up of the floor again. I am totally bummed out that I got no still pictures....only video. We did get some stills of Big C playing with his stuff later in the day.

I picked up the first gift, shook and smiled at him. He crawled as little arms and legs could muster over to me and smiled devilishly and squealed with delight as I tore the corner of the package to get him started. He promptly took the gift from me and flung it across the floor. Then looked as me and smiled, reaching for another. Okay, this wasn't exactly how I planned. I mean, he shreds every single magazine he can get his hands on. WTH? So I get the package back and rip a big piece of the paper and shake it at him. He looked at me for .02 seconds and proceeded to crawl away from me and the stack of gifts to go chase the cat. *Grumbles* THIS DOES NOT COMPUTE! He LOVES paper. He loves ripping it up. He loves ripping up the magazines I never get a chance to read because they are shredded beyond recognition!

Meh...it doesn't matter. I open up the gifts and call him to look at each one. He takes it from me, squeals, plays with it and after 3-4 of them are open the hyperness sets in. (Yeah, I know, it was probably the french toast)He can't play with all the toys at once so he is just flinging things all over and crawling from one spot to the next and it's craziness. And then it happened. Violence. Crying, kicking, clenched fists, face turning red and fierce rubbing of the eyes. Oh my...this boy needs a serious nap. We were much happier upon waking from the nap and having some lunch. However we were still not interested in ripping paper.

All in all it was an awesome Christmas. He totally digs all of his things and I dig watching him play with them. I was treated nicely as well and I totally love the stuff I got...and everyone else is feeling their stuff too. The rest of the night was spent just being a happy family and playing with Big C and watching him play with his Christmas presents. Oh! I finally got to bake some of my cookies. FINALLY! I ate so many I nearly made myself sick too. But I'm telling you, these cookies are money...no doubt! I still have more baking to do, since it's the boy's birthday in 2 days.

All in all I have to say it was one of the best...if not the best Christmas' I've ever had. The exception will hopefully be next year...when I have my two babies to celebrate Christmas with! I feel truly blessed this year. I got just what I wanted for Christmas. Thank you Lord, for the best Christmas present ever...last year...this year...and every year after!

Merry Christmas Eve and 27 Weeks!

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I'm excited...and tired.  Seems I end nearly everything with "I'm tired" these days. *Smiles* But that's OK.  I have a very good reason for it. *wink* I can hardly believe that I'm under the 100 day mark.  We are sitting at 91 days left to go.  I'm headed out of the 2nd Trimester and into the 3rd! Only 3 months left! I still haven't made my mind up if I'm going to just schedule a c-section or try for a VBAC this time.  I'm still at the "Let's wait and see" point.  I do find myself going back and forth with it.  

I'm feeling "Lil' Stinker" move regularly which always puts a smile on my face.  Waiting for a sleepy baby to move has to be one of the most nerve wracking things ever in pregnancy.  Not to mention with it being holiday time, the last thing I would want to have to do is call the doctor (on Christmas) with worries about the babe not moving to drag him out and get walloped just as he walks through the office door.  So I pray baby decides to be active, but not have such a party that he/she rocks themselves out to the point of having to take the whole day off to rest to make up for the partying this weekend.  My next appointment is Monday.  I am assuming my glucose challenge test came back normal, they didn't call me to tell me it was otherwise, so that is a relief.  

You know, I wish I would have done the same thing I see other bloggers have done with their pregnancies...weekly updates on how you are feeling, cravings, milestones and best part of the week, etc.  I would have liked to do that with my first pregnancy too.  But, I was already pregnant when I began this blog, and this time around I was so caught up in Big C I nearly forgot I even had a blog!  Oh well, maybe next time...Lord willing. *smiles*  I am already feeling some aches and pains, nothing on the contraction front, just and occasional squeeze here and there.  My cousin came by today to pick up the Christmas presents she had shipped to my house for her daughters and had to double take.  She was surprised at just how *round* I am.  She just looked at me and said, "Wow, no way to mistake that pregnant belly."  I've popped considerably in the last 2 weeks.  I am waddling like a duck already, knocking things off my table and counter top and bending over....ugh...it's the pits.  I have to be holding onto something or I'm afraid I'll go overboard!  I try to avoid it as much as I can.  However, Big C takes great delight in just flinging EVERYTHING onto the floor these days.  I'm hoping it's a phase. *wink*

This is Big C's very first Christmas.  I'm thrilled to be blessed enough to experience it and discover its wonders with him. He's still too young to understand anything, but I love how I can already see the wonder and beauty of Christmas in those big blue eyes of his.  This is my best Christmas by far.  No, we aren't loaded down with presents, which don’t reflect the true meaning of Christmas anyway.  But we have some well thought out gifts for each other and those we love.  It is never about the quantity but the thought behind what was given.  My greatest gift this year is having a Christmas and a beautiful child to spend it with, for the first time since my mom passed away.  I said if I ever had a child, we would have Christmas, like we used to, again.  And we are.  I am eagerly awaiting settling down tonight, dressing Big C in his Christmas pajamas and tucking him in for the night.  We are charging the battery for the camcorder, the cameras are set and ready to go for tomorrow morning and the stockings have been hung.  Presents have been put under the tree and the last thing I'm waiting on is....baking cookies.  

Ugh.  I have all the stuff.  It's just sitting there on my counter...waiting to be put together.  And I really want to do it...because I want cookies darn it!  And not just any cookie...I was THESE cookies.  I wish they could just make themselves.  I've been preoccupied with getting presents wrapped; taking care of Big C and dealing with a whopper of a sinus infection this week...I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it.  I keep saying"OK, going to do it today" and today comes and goes and it's tomorrow!  But I just don't feel like baking a boatload of cookies while I'm sick.  But I really wanna eat them.  REAL BAD.  Well, they are the yummiest cookies ever!  But anyway....I'm gonna move on, I'm depressing myself over these cookies.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow.  Big C should have a ball ripping open his presents....he loves shredding paper...and eating it.  Sometimes I think he is part goat.  I know I'm going to bawl my eyes out when I put him to bed tonight because of it being the first Christmas and everything.  And I'll probably be bawling my eyes out tomorrow to while I watch him open presents.  Oh!  And his birthday....his 1st BIRTHDAY is 7 DAYS AWAY!  I can't believe it.  My bald baby...who has beautiful blonde hair now...is going to be a year old!  I'm just....I can't believe it went by so fast.  I've been busy putting plans together for his party.  Nearly everything is up in the air except for the theme.  It's a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Birthday Party.  He LOVES that show and dances to the Hot Dog song.  So while I'm ironing things out for his party, I've been gathering his Mickey Mouse stuff.  

Speaking of Big C and dancing.  There is no doubt that he is my mother's grandson.  Anyone who knew my mom knew how she loved Elvis Presley.  Seriously, I think she was his #1 fan.  I'm rather fond of his music myself and listened to a CD quite a bit while I was preggo with Big C.  But there is a commercial that comes on television for Verizon vs. AT&T and the music is Elvis singing "Blue Christmas."  Every time it comes on, Big C's head jerks around and he starts swinging his head...and hips (naturally...it's Elvis) and really getting into it.  He does the same thing when another commercial comes on with the "All Shook Up" song.  It is hilarious and at the same time just fills my heart because I know...I just know that my Mom is in there somewhere.  She gave him her love of Elvis!  *laughs*  Oh!  Yesterday, he also took his very first step...alone.  Not holding onto anything.  I nearly burst with excitement.  He only did it the one time...but hey...at least he did it!  I'm so proud of him.

I really wish K didn't have to work today.  The train is running a holiday schedule too, which means he won't get home until around 8pm.  Bummer.  I wanted to get some last minute preparations done and could use his help.  But, it will be fine.  I know why my mom loved this holiday so much.  Not only are we celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior, who was the greatest gift of all.  But it is a time to celebrate all God's blessings, our families, friends and the relationships we have with them.  A time to help those in need and to pray and remember those who have suffered losses and who are less fortunate than ourselves.  So thank you, God, for giving us your only Son, Lord Jesus.  And thank you for giving me all the blessings you have this year and those past.  And I pray that you will bestow blessing upon others in the coming year!  Amen! 

Merry Christmas, and a healthy and prosperous New Year and may God bless you all!

25 Weeks!

Today.  Just another 15 weeks to go before I get to see and hold my precious one who is flip flopping in my belly as I type.  I can't wait.  Well, part of me can't.  The other part will miss being pregnant and feeling life blossoming and growing inside me.  If I was never certain before, I am most certain now...God has a plan for all of us and it is nothing short of the perfect plan.  Yes, it doesn't always seem fair, but He knows what he is doing.  I find I am having to remind myself of that quite often.  Take me for instance.  Things have happened in my life that I felt feel aren't fair.  The death of my mother at such a young age being at the top of the list.  She was only 49 and had so much to live for.  She never got to see her daughter fall in love, get married and have children.  She will never get to know her grandchildren and they will never know her.  Mostly, it's unfair to me.  I have so many things I want to say to her, talk to her about, ask her advice on, experience with her...and she isn't here.  That's tough for me.  However, God does have the perfect plan for each and every one of us.  See, I never thought I would have a child.  But He made it so.  And He did it in His time...not mine.  He also made it that I became pregnant again with our second child...again in His time, not mine.  And you know, He is pretty smart. ;-)  Because I am the type of person who would be pregnant all the time.  No, seriously.  Yes, it is tough.  No one else wants me to be pregnant all the time because it's a pain to them.  But I LOVE IT.  I love feeling life inside me, I love listening to my baby's heart beat and seeing their image on ultrasound.  But most of all I love what happens once pregnancy is over and motherhood begins.  And I could easily experience it over and over and over if God allowed me to.  That might be one of the reasons I was not able to get pregnant during the whole 6 1/2 years I was married to my husband and using zero methods to prevent pregnancy.  I was married at 25 and got pregnant at 32.  I'm 33 and growing our second baby.  Can you imagine if I had started at 25 how many we might be up to by now?  But, God has a plan for me.  He knows what he is doing.  And if it is His will that I have 1 2 3 more babies, then so it shall be.  But I think I need a rest after this one. :-)

I am so tired.  I remember being somewhat tired with Big C, but I can't remember if it was this early in the pregnancy or not.  I never really did get my second wind that is supposed to come with the 2nd trimester.  But my OB reminded me that with second and subsequent pregnancies, you normally don't get that boost of energy as much as you did in your first pregnancy.  So ladies who are preggo with your first....take notes...it does get a little tougher the next time around.  I'm also noticing the normal pregnancy ailments most of us experience...a lot sooner this time around as well.  Again, my OB reminded me that I would be experiencing nearly everything earlier this time than I did with my first pregnancy.

I never actually told the story of discovering I was pregnant the second time here, but I will let you know that I knew I was pregnant at 1 week into it.  Sure you say, how is that possible, it is.  Literally at the moment of conception my body began to change and immediately I became exhausted.  That 1st trimester-I-feel-like-I've-just-run-a-marathon-and-I-haven't-even-made-it-out-of-bed kind of exhausted.  I after one week of that I knew I was either pregnant...or something was wrong with me and I needed to see the doctor.  I even went and bought a pregnancy test on July 2nd because I was so sure of what I was feeling.  I took the test and got a BFN result.  I thought, OK, I'm not...it must be something else going on.  But I swear to you I have never felt that tired except when I was pregnant.  So since my test was a two-pack, I took the other one on the 10th of July and got a barely visible, but it was there BFP.  I picked up another test just to be sure and took that on the 17th and it was a no mistake about it BFP.  The line was coming up and darkening within seconds of peeing on the stick!  And...I was joyous!

So you probably didn't want to hear or know all that, but hey, it makes me feel that much closer to you. :-)  With it being the holidays, I have so many things to do and just no energy to do them.  Cookies to bake, cinnamon cakes to bake, bread to bake.  Making dinner has now become a chore.  Running around after an 11 month old zaps what little energy I wake up with in a matter of minutes.  I have been going to bed right after he does these days.  I just can't help it.  To top it all off I've been running around with shopping and getting family photos done.  And the ever loving trip to the dentist.  It seems I can't go a pregnancy without a root canal.  Each time it has flared up too.  I'm taking penicillin now as prescribed by my dentist and OK'd by my OB since they feel it could be an infection starting.  The sucker is flipping pounding!  And of course, I can't take anything for pain other than Tylenol.  And let's face it....for a toothache, Tylenol is like taking a Tic Tac and saying it'll take the edge off.  Ummm...not.  So I'll be revisiting the dentist tomorrow morning.  Let's hope it turns out favorably.  Oh...I also got the proof for my Christmas card back and it looks great.  Perhaps a few of you will get to see one in person. ;-)  I'm also trying to figure out what to do for Big C's 1st Birthday.  I'm thinking a party here at home for him, just a small gathering of family.  I'll be baking his cake, plus another cake for the rest of us to enjoy...teehee.  I'm just thinking about a theme.  It might be Mickey Mouse since he seems to be into him lately.  Well, him, Handy Manny and Pooh.  But I have to have it pulled together by the 15th so I can let everyone know and plan ahead.

I'll leave you with some family photos we had done Saturday.  Enjoy!
-MoM-

Where Does it Go?

I look at my beautiful son and it is hard to believe that in a mere 29 days he will be a year old. An entire year has passed. A year since I first held him in my arms. A year since I first breathed him in. A year since I first called him and he looked at me. A year since his first bath. A year since that first diaper change. A year since that first breastfeeding. A year since the first bottle, burp and spit up. I'm not ashamed to admit that I look at him and just cry my eyes out. I'm not sure he will ever be able to understand just how much I love him. I don't think he'll ever know how much he was wanted. How I prayed for him and how grateful I am to have him.

Although he is still a baby and he is and always will be my baby, I wonder where my baby went. Time is moving too quickly for me. I try to savor each and every second I have with him, but it just never seems like it is enough and he is just growing up before my eyes. I know I have his brother or sister on the way and I'm forever grateful for him/her and I can't wait to meet my little darling. But it is so hard watching Big C grow up. I love seeing his milestones and I am beaming with pride. He makes my heart just sing. I want to see him grow into a respectful, honest, compassionate, honorable, moral and driven man. Just...not too quickly. I guess perhaps because I am 33, time is moving faster. That happens when you get older you know. You may think its all bullcockey, but it is true. The older you get, the faster time rolls on. I don't know, maybe if I had him younger I'd feel different, but somehow I doubt it. Words just cannot express how much I love and adore that little boy. Thank you, Lord for the best present ever...to be a Mommy.

23 Weeks and Counting - Plus Pictures!

First a picture of Big C at Halloween.  He was a lamb!
Returned from another OB appointment some time ago.  Baby is doing well.  The sonogram results were back and everything looked great.  Heart rate was between 140-150.  Oh yeah, by the way.  The sonogram I had done on Saturday, the baby didn't want to give up the goods.  So we don't know if it is a boy or a girl!  SURPRISE!  K had to take the day off work today...without pay...yipee.  Since my blood pressure doesn't always want to cooperate, occasionally I might be sent to L&D to have it monitored for an hour.  With the flu pandemic rolling, the hospital is taking extra precautions, and they should, to protect those who are in them from outsiders bringing the flu in.  So they won't allow me to take Big C back with me while I am monitored.  I don't have a babysitter.  My cousin A is the closest thing I'll get to having someone watch him for me, and she works on Mondays.  My dad would have watched him, but he had work and my brother...well...he gets the willies if left alone with him for more than an hour.  He is better set with older kids...little ones scare him when it comes to being alone and babysitting...lol.  So it left us with K staying home to be with him as our only option.  But it was nice.  Because K is gone 14 hours a day for work (including his hellacious commute) he never has the opportunity to go to any OB appointments with me.  Today was the first time he was able to hear his new baby's heartbeat.  Luckily, my BP was high, but not enough to send me to L&D for monitoring.

I spoke to my OB about this time trying for a VBAC and he said that was just fine.  I really do want the experience.  No, I'd totally skip the labor pain if I could.  But I'd like to experience having that bloody, wiggly screaming darling gift from God slapped up onto my chest as I grab him/her and say my first hello.  I'd like to be able to have the family I care about be there with me as I bring him/her into the world.  And let's face it.  I know other women ask me if I am insane because I want to experience labor (I never went into labor with Big C, then scheduled the section because I was 5 days overdue, he was high in my belly with no intention of dropping and the sonograms said he was 13 pounds!  He was 9lbs. 7oz....just in case you were wondering).  Well, I'd like to pose the same question to them.  Do you really think having a c-section is *easier*?  Having your abdomen sliced open, your guts and muscles shifted around, baby pulled out and then guts and muscles shuffled again and stapled back up?  Honestly ladies....a c-section isn't *that* bad...but a vaginal delivery sure as hell beats a c-section!  I mean come on now!

I have decided that if the baby shows large or hasn't dropped by the time my due date rolls around.  I'm just going to opt for a c-section.  There is no reason for me to be stubborn and put myself or the baby at any more risk than need be.  Sure, I won't have my prime choices for a c-section date (do people really obsess over that?  I mean, if the baby came via vagina you really wouldn't have that much of a choice on birthdays would you?  Seems weird to me.) but that is OK.  Healthy baby is more important than if the baby is born on an even or odd numbered day.  So I'm going to take my time, let my baby grow and develop and see what things look like in January-February.  Perhaps I'll be ready to make a concrete decision on a section then.

We've set up our Christmas tree.  The first one since the Christmas before my mother passed.  Mom really loved Christmas.  It was one of her most favorite holidays.  When she died, it just....was never the same.  It became painful, sad and a bitter reminder of the loss we all have come to know.  I told myself and everyone else that if the Lord had blessed me with a child, then things would change.  We would have a real Christmas again.  Mom would have wanted it that way.  K also put up decorations outside and trimmed the house in lights.  He took me by the hand last night, after he had finished and walked me around to the front.  And all I could really do was stand there and cry.  It looks beautiful.  My mom would have loved it.  It was really hard this time last year.  I was expecting Big C on December 26th.  And I really wanted her to be here, to see him, to know him and to love him.  I wanted him to know her, love her and see her the way I and everyone who knew her did.  But it's more difficult this year.  Because this year, Big C *is* here, the tree *is* up, and the house *is* decorated.  And in every strand of lights, branch of tree, ornament, bow, nativity scene and note of Christmas carols she *is* there.  I really miss her.  A lot.

Thanksgiving was wonderful.  I have so many wonderful things to be thankful for...and I am.  I am truly blessed and God is wonderful!  My life isn't perfect and trust me, I have hardships...but when I gaze into the face of my darling boy and I feel the karate moves of my darling yet to be born, and I watch the faces of my father, brother and husband as they talk, play and snuggle with Big C all I can think is how wonderful, giving and amazing God is and how fortunate I am.

I'm going to go for now.  My back is beginning to hurt a little.  My OB said everything you experience in your first pregnancy, you usually feel it sooner in the next one.  Well, I'm feelin' it!  Wowza.  My ribs are the worst.  Holy Hannah do they scream by the end of the day.  But it's all so worth it.  I just realized that I have been pregnant for the last two 4th of Julys, Labor Days, Halloweens, Thanksgivings and Christmas'!  Well, no wonder I'm feeling it.  I'll have been pregnant for 18 months out of 24 when baby #2 gets here!  *Grins*  I'm so bleeping happy to be me!!!!

Big C's First Illness, House Changes, and Nostalgia All @ 22 Weeks Pregnant

I had the hubs take my computer apart and put it into storage while my floors were being refinished back in September. It's still there in storage. So, I'm using the laptop now while my darling boy takes a nap.

So many things have been going on over the last 6 weeks or so. Rearranging the house, specifically the kitchen. Putting things in storage while taking stuff out to replace it. Coupled with the everyday routine and weekend hullabaloo, it gets hectic and I find myself wondering where the day week month went. Time is flying. I just never seem to have enough of it.

On the house front, my floor turned out great and I'm really happy with them. The thing that sucks is that Cliff is a never ending source of hair that is dropped onto it all day long. The upside...it's not being trapped in carpeting. It's a lot of cleaning, but it easier to clean...if that makes sense. We went out and bought a Shark Pocket Mop steamer to run over the floors when I'm feeling psycho and must have the floor sanitized. Got it at a great deal from Bj's. It's was 99 bucks, at least 20-40 bucks cheaper than Wal-Mart and Target wanted. I love it, it rocks. It does the job and I feel safer about having Big C zooming across the floors.

Speaking of Big C. He is 10 and a half months old and I wonder where the time has gone. It seems like it was only yesterday I was rocking him and singing him a lullaby to sleep, listening to his little "mews" as he drank his bottle and delighted at his dimples when he worked his best at those first smiles. I still delight at his dimples. But I long for the moments of just holding him, rocking him, singing him to sleep and breathing him in at every chance I had. He is now at the age where he isn't into being held as much, wriggles about, wants down and is into everything. I knew this time would come. Only, I didn't know it would come so soon. Sure, there are moments when he lets me snuggle him up and rock him, sing to him and breathe him in. But more often than not the attempts are met with chubby hands grabbing my cheeks and pushing my face away while giggling wildly. And while that is adorable in it's own right....I sure do miss my baby. :-) I find myself looking at pictures or videos of him as a newborn or at 3 months old and bawling my eyes out. Now, it could just be my pregnancy hormones talking, which is likely the case, but I'm finding myself so nostalgic about him and so thankful to God that he has Blessed me with him. He is nothing short of amazing...in every way.

He is all about pulling himself up to standing now. He can crawl like no ones business and is faster than a speeding bullet when on all fours. He can pull himself up on furniture with ease and practices stooping and squatting. All while still holding on. He's has not gotten brave enough to let go and balance yet. But I see the look in his eye, he's getting close. Poor little guy came down with his very first cold on Monday. I have been somewhat of a mess. I mean I have my stuff together, but at the same time I'm a psycho worried momma. Can't help it....he's my baby and this is the first time we've gone through this together. So it's a learning experience for me. OK, not that I have ever known anyone who enjoyed their child being sick, but this just sucks. I feel like a failure (much as I did when my efforts at breastfeeding were thwarted by Big C being admitted into the hospital for bilirubin issues and losing weight) as a parent. My baby is sick and the best I can do is....nothing. I can hold him, comfort him and tell him I love him, but he really just doesn't want to hear it nor does he feel like snuggling. He just wants to cry and be cranky because he feels horrible. And I am helpless. I give him some medicine to help his fever, but that is all I can really do. It's not like he appreciates my suctioning his nose out....he abhors it, thrashing around and screaming, batting my hands away from his face and sobbing. Do you have any idea how that breaks a mother's heart? To know that now you have become the source of your child's anguish? It's bad enough he has a cold but here I am coming at him like a mad scientist with contraptions to suck his brains out and objects that go up his bum and make his belly button feel as though is it might pop out. No wonder he looks at me and cries. I'm a Mistress of Torture to him! And it is very overwhelming. I find myself crying as much as he does. The light at the end of the tunnel came today as he seems to be improving and is willingly eating and drinking and smiling more. Thank you, Lord. :-)

This weekend I have another sonogram scheduled as the first one I had in October lacked the cardiac views and a few others the OB wants redone. In case you are wondering, yes, we know what we are having....a baby! But we don't know the sex yet. The wee one didn't want to cooperate in that area at the time. It may be possible on Saturday, but there is a part of me that would like to have it a surprise. I'll see if I can hold out. ;-) I'm 22 weeks pregnant today and I'm feeling the babe move now, have for a few weeks now. And I have to say, this has to be the absolute best thing about being pregnant, other than knowing you will hold your little darling in your arms when they can no longer fit in your belly! So I am enjoying it immensely right now. I have been having some issues with blood pressure and aching in my wrists and arms. Trouble sleeping is a fact of life now, but I've been there before so it's OK. Just a lot tougher when you have a 10 month old to tend to all day and your only moment of rest is nap time. I knew having babies so close together would be hard, and I'm getting the feeling that right now, taking care of one while pregnant with the other is just a preview of the tough road ahead. I keep thinking that once the baby is born it will be easier because I won't have my pregnancy ailments to hold me back. That being very true, it will be something else at one time or another, I'm sure! But, it's all good and totally 100% worth it. I love my babies!

Well, I need to close for now. My back is freaking killing me, I gotta pee and I hear Big C stirring from his afternoon nap. I'll try to update things in a more timely fashion. But to be honest, even if I had my computer set up....I can barely find the time to sleep and take a shower let alone blog! Until next time!

-MoM-

14W and 5D

I love this picture of Big C and my Dad on the tractor. Below the photos are a progression.  Big C fell asleep in his high chair and woke up when he heard the camera click.

I can hardly believe it's been that long already. Part of my brain is trying to figure out where the last 3 1/2 months went while the other part is saying, "Hurry up and give me a baby already!" Well, HELLO brain, we have to finish growing the baby first! Besides, I still have a baby. He'll always be my baby, even though he is growing up so fast. *sniff*

Let me start off with a brief discussion on the weather. It will tie in with my pregnancy post, don't worry. I love autumn. That briskness to the air, without the bite of winter. It makes you feel so alive! I love the changing colors and the smell of fireplaces mingling in the night air. However, what I am not a fan of is dampness. The cold kind. Sure it's fine when it rains in the summer, but when it's cold and you get a downpour places you never knew existed being to ache. It's probably just me cause I'm old. My ankle, leg and knees don't like it at all, thanks to a car accident several years ago. But now I'm finding my hips and pelvis don't either.

So just what the heck is going on? Well, I can't say for sure but it probably has something to do with carrying my little porker around last year. And continuing to carry him this year, outside of the womb as he hasn't learned to walk just yet. And I'm fairly sure it also has to do with carrying my current angel in the womb around, coupled with severe bouts of morning sickness, which I call morning, noon and night sickness(MN&NS), in which I pulled like....every muscle in my pelvic floor from heaving and retching.

I think I know why they don't want to risk letting you try to deliver a big baby (10 lbs+) your first time, but are willing to let you try the second time. Seems those joints and muscles get all loosey goosey even more so the second time around! It still hurts to roll over in bed, walk and stand up! I'm just going to have to be a lot more careful this time, especially since I'm hefting Big C around as well. And he's no feather!

Speaking of Big C I have to give an update. We went for his 9 month appointment yesterday. He is coming along wonderfully! And he must be taking after the Danish side of his father's family because this boy is big. I'm not saying that because he is chubby. Sure, he is greater than the 95 percentile in weight. But he is also greater than the 95 percentile in height/length! He weighs 26 lbs and is 30 inches. 30 inches! Well, he does have big hands and feet. He also got his first does of the seasonal flu vaccine and I was so proud of him. He made just a peep. That was it! No screaming, not even a single tear! That's my boy!!! *Sniff* He's growing up so fast. I love and adore him so. His laughter, smiles, funny faces, everything about him and I've been Blessed to have been given such an amazing son. I have enjoyed watching him develop. I do miss my newborn though. I ache for those days. And I'm sure when he is 9 years old, I will be aching for the days when he was 9 months.

Alright, so back to pregnancy. I've mentioned in previous posts some *realizations* if you will, of Motherhood. Well, at least one of them starts during pregnancy. I am losing my mind! Seriously, if I don't write things down within moments of thinking about them, they are gone. *POOF* Adios! I've heard it called several things, pregnancy brain, momnesia, placenta brain. But man, it can be so frustrating. And in my house people are notorious for asking you things last minute.

Them: "I'm going to the store, need me to pick up anything?"

Me: "What?! Now?! Umm....wait...I think there was something, but I can't remember! Oh dear, was it...no, it wasn't. Shoot, I can't think of it now. You can't ask me stuff last minute like this. I need time to think about it!"

I'm hoping to remember it so I can call on the cell phone and get whatever it was I needed. But of course I won't remember until they are nearly pulling into the drive way. Or worse yet, I have to call 4 times because I keep remembering more things. Bless my husband. He just asks, "Are you sure that's it?" Then he starts giving suggestions and asking if we need this or that to help me out.

I'm also trying to figure out what is going on with my hair. While I was pregnant, I lost hardly any hair...it was wonderful! Then about 3 months after Big C was born it began falling out...like in clumps almost. My hands would be covered in the shower. I am forever pulling it out of the baby's hands, his mouth, off his clothes. So now that I'm pregnant again, I wonder if I'll stop losing it? That would be nice. But I'm afraid that I'd probably go completely bald 3 months after this baby is born. Haha. I shouldn't laugh, but that would be kinda funny. Although I'd be sobbing then, so I can laugh now.

So, I'm 14W and 5D. I went for my third OB appointment yesterday. This time I saw Dr. M and was told when making my next appointment that they will be alternating doctors each and every time. I saw Dr. S for the majority of my pregnancy with Big C, but that was only because I prefer early appointments. Both doctors were there for my c-section and I couldn't have asked for better guys to take care of Big C and I. They did a wonderful job keeping us healthy and safe. I know it was God who sent me in the direction of these two doctors. After all the problems I had had in the past, it was not until I came to see Dr. M that I knew I have found the doctor I wanted to stick with. So I would like to say Thank You, Lord for sending me in their direction!

The appointment started off well. Dr. M gave me some suggestions on keeping hydrated enough. I've been having trouble with that this time around, mostly from all the MN&NS. Then we got down to the business of using the Doppler to listen for the baby's heartbeat. And we heard it! YAY! I was so happy to finally hear my little darlings heart beating with the Doppler. There was also quite a bit of squishing sounds, which Dr. M said was the baby moving. Double YAY! The heart rate was in the range of 150 bpm. So at this point, it could be a girl or a boy. The early U/S had a heart rate of 167 bmp. The 150 range can be tricky. But I'll be happy with either sex. I'll take another boy just as happily as a girl. I just want healthy babies.

The end of October will prove to be hectic. Big C will go back to the doctor for his flu shot booster and I will be getting mine at the same time. I'll also be getting blood work done to make sure my thyroid is in check and that I won't need to readjust my dosage of medication. I'm also scheduled for the *big* U/S, the fetal anatomy one where they measure all the organs, bones and look for any abnormalities. Then my next OB appointment is a few days after. Oh, and to top it off, I've been selected for jury duty! And it starts on the day of my next OB appointment. What a drag! I though I could be slick and be excused since I've served before. But I served 4 years ago and you have to have served within the last 3 years. So I'm going to send in my paperwork, but I'm going to ask to be rescheduled for a medical appointment, explaining that currently I am attending every 4-5 weeks and I'll be happy to serve if they can schedule me either 3 or 6 weeks from when they originally want me. The toughest part will be finding someone to watch Big C for me while I go. I may be able to solicit the help of my cousin, but she wouldn't be able to help me on the days that she works. I have a few friends who would be willing to watch him, but they live too far away and I'd have to get Big C up at the crack of dawn to drop him off 30 miles away. I'll just have to see how it goes. Anyway, I need to get going, it is almost time for Big C to have lunch and then take a nap.

-MoM-

When it Rains, It Pours...

And I think I'm finally realizing what it is like to let God be my umbrella. I'm always finding myself yearning to be more spiritual than I am. And I think that is a good thing. At times I feel lost and like I don't really know what to do. Is there a certain way I should be praying, am I doing it right? Should I being doing something before praying so that my being a sinner doesn't just cancel it out? Some of those questions may seem silly. And perhaps they are. But I find myself constantly questioning myself and wondering if I'm doing things the right way. As if I don't worship in the proper order it doesn't count. Why do I feel this way? I wish I knew. It is as if I am compelled to do things in an orderly fashion. Everyone I spoken to about God, worship, faith and prayer has told me that there is no *order* that you can simply talk to Him. So, no actual prayers? Like, if I don't say the Lord's Prayer each time, He will still listen to me?

Now you may think to yourself,

"My goodness, this poor woman hasn't the faintest and how sad."

Well, yeah, you are probably right. But that is why I'm having this introspective moment and trying to figure out what it is that compels me to think like this and inadvertently puts up a wall between my relationship with God. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't have complete faith in Him, or that I don't love Him or want to praise and worship Him. I do. I just, always feel like I have to follow some rule or something, otherwise my prayers, my praise and my thanks might not get heard. Why is that?! It's so frustrating. It's so difficult to have everyone tell you that there are no rules, these is no order or pattern that must be followed. But I can't seem to just let that go. What the heck is wrong with me?

I do simply talk to Him. Tell Him what is on my mind. Ask for His help. Thank Him for all the wonderful things He has given to me. But I feel like something is missing. Like there should be more. Even when I do say prayers along with my just talking to Him, I feel like I have not completed something. That I am inadequate. I know that I am, but I am speaking in regards to my relationship with Him. That I'm dropping the ball. I just wish I knew what the missing part was and what I needed to do find it.

So many things have happened over this last week. My brother is still in the hospital and I'm so desperately worried about him. I'm worried about my son getting sick with the same thing. I have my 3rd OB appointment on Monday and I'm worried I won't hear the baby's heartbeat or that something might be wrong. I would go through the details here, but there is so much, I just don't feel like I've enough energy to write it all down now.

I have been talking to the Lord a lot more these days. And it feels good to to able to lay my burdens down in front of Him, I just can't seem to loosen my grasp on them and let Him have them completely. I feel guilty about it. I feel as though He might view me as selfish because I want him to keep my family safe and healthy, to keep my son from getting ill and to heal the infection that is ravaging my brother. Like I am not worthy enough to ask such things of Him. I don't deserve it. And it breaks my heart because I fear that because I don't deserve His mercy, that my brother will get worse, my son will get sick and my family won't stay healthy. Isn't that ridiculous? I know that God is love. That He is unchanging and that what He wanted for us in the beginning, He still wants for us. Otherwise He would not have sent His only Son to be crucified for our salvation.

I mean, He has done things for me that I don't think I could ever thank Him adequately enough for. He gave me a son. A child that I yearned for and never thought I would have. And he is perfect, healthy and just amazing. And not only has He given me Big C, but He has Blessed me with another child who is in my womb. Not just one child, but two. What have I ever done for God to deserve such a Blessing? I am a sinner. My sins hurt Him, yet He still loves me enough to give me the greatest thing I think I could ever ask for, and that is being a mother. Wow, I am just so confused. Perhaps some of this is just *pregnancy hormones* talking and that is why I am contradicting myself somewhat. I don't know.

What I do know is that I want to expand my relationship with Him. I want to deepen it and I want to stop feeling as though I'm not doing something right when talking to Him. Now, I just need to figure out how to do that.

-MoM-

It's A New Day

My husband, K had the week off, which was awesome. He hasn't had the opportunity to have a vacation, nor could we afford one, let alone just pick up and go. Which means that he hasn't had time off since Big C was born. It's difficult enough for him to be gone 14 hours a day and get home just as it's time for Big C to go to bed. Needless to say, that doesn't leave much time for bonding. Well, this week has been wonderful for that. So much so that I noticed Big C even preferring to be with K over me! No, that doesn't upset me. His daddy is providing him what he needs. Personally, I think it's because K can lift him high up in the air and do reps with him. I just can't do that....that boy weighs 26 and a half pounds. Yes, I'm a weakling.

It has just been the best week ever. I absolutely *love* watching my husband hold, play, feed, change and read to him, among shushing him to lull him to sleep at night. I don't know about you, but it just makes me fall in love with him all over again. At that moment, he is the sexiest man alive and irresistible and I feel so Blessed to be married to him. I can't explain it. But your child(ren) are the most important thing in life to you and it's just overwhelmingly (is that a word?) awesome to see the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with, to make babies with and to part only when the Lord above says it's time, love and be just as nuts about them as you are.

It's Tuesday, and he's back to work. I was dreading it, not wanting him to go and it's sucks that I'm home alone with Big C today. But at the same time it was kind of nice too. Big C and I were able to go back and have our quiet morning Mommy and Son time, which I cherish since he's more of a morning person and very smiley in the am. I'm also amazed because he has been playing quietly in his playpen while I did some cleaning up (bottles don't wash themselves you know) and sat down to write this quickly. I think it's the new toy we bought him yesterday. He's been batting it around in there because I hear the music going off.

On the pregnancy front, I had my second appointment with the OB last Monday, the 31st. I was 10W 4D preggo and the doctor was hoping we would be luck enough to hear the heartbeat. But nothing. He thought he heard something but unless it's clear enough for me to hear it too then it's a no dice. He was nice enough to offer to send me for a sonogram if I was worried, or if I was comfortable with waiting another 4 weeks we could try the Doppler again. If you knew me, then you'd know I would jump at the chance for the sonogram so I could have peace of mind. But, I didn't this time. The doctor said everything seemed to be going well, my uterus was growing, which meant baby was growing. So I opted to wait. What the heck was I thinking?!? I have been driving myself batty every few days thinking about it. I'm such a worry wart, I just can't help it. I'm just saying positive. There is a reason my doctor told me when I was pregnant with Big C, "Don't watch those TV shows and don't read things online. Only read the book we give you. That has everything you need to know in it. The stuff they show on TV needs to have drama value and they usually pick the more traumatic which is not a reflection of the whole." OK, how can you *not* read other stuff or watch those shows about babies being born on TV? It's so hard! On the other hand, when you are a nervous wreck because the person on the TV show has talked about her 3 miscarriages, or the person online is talking about their stillborn birth you wish you would have listened to the doctor. So take it from me, a hormonal, emotional naturally worrisome when not pregnant woman. Don't watch or read that stuff!

Other than that, I've been sleeping terribly lately. I was told to thank my hormones for that. I'm still very tired too. That should be subsiding soon, as should the morning sickness. Which I have to say, hasn't been too bad the last few days. I can feel my rings getting a bit tighter too. And some of the lower back pain has started, but it's not too bad right now. So far so good. I'm looking forward to my next appointment which will be the end of this month. We should hear the heartbeat then since I'll be 14 weeks. That will make me feel much better. :-)

-MoM-

Lots of News - So Little Time To Tell It All

Let me start by apologizing for the long delay in the latest post. However, the last month of pregnancy certainly takes it's toll on you, not to mention actually having the baby, indulging in more sleepless nights and bathing in the blissfulness that is your little creation.

Now that I've done that, I want to give thanks to God. He gave me the most precious gift one could ever hope to have. I have a perfect, beautiful, magnificent, darling, sweet, amazing, (insert a line of other positive descriptives here) baby. Something I've waited my whole life for. I've always wanted to be a mommy. And, after years of being a surrogate mother to my dogs and puppies, I finally got one of my own. I am truly Blessed. Each and every day I am discovering new things and falling more and more in love.

Big C was born on December 31, 2008 at 8:08am, via C-section. He weighed 9 pounds 6.9 ounces and was 20 1/2 inches long with gorgeous eyes, wispy blonde hair and his Daddy's dimples. My due date was Dec. 26th, so he was nearly a week overdue and apparently didn't have plans on showing his face to the world anytime soon as I never went into labor. After my last visit with the OB on the 29th of December, he decided it would be better to schedule a c-section and avoid any possible complications. I already had borderline high blood pressure, so it was safer for both baby and me. There were only 2 days that week that he was able to do the section since he wanted the other doctor in the practice to be present for the c-section as well, and it just so happened they were able to schedule me for that Wednesday at 7:30am. I have to admit that I got the best late Christmas present, and early birthday present ever!!!

You know...a c-section was not as bad as I thought it would be. I was up walking around the next day. It hurt like Hell, but only the first 2 days. They sent me home with pain meds, which, I only took for 2 days. The worst part I'd have to say was climbing in and out of the backseat of the car. (Naturally, I had to ride in the back with Big C on the ride home) I was glad to be home with my son. My son. When I first said it, it seemed so foreign to me. Now, it just rolls off the tongue. The first 2 weeks were difficult. No, not because of sleep deprivation, and not because of a colicky baby. Unfortunately, I was not, and still am not, making enough breast milk to sustain him. And it caused problems. From weight loss, to a build-up of bilirubin and the need for photo therapy, to not voiding enough. So, although I'm not breastfeeding full-time, he still gets whatever breast milk he manages or that I can pump and takes formula as well. Some breast milk is better than none.

He is doing very well, gaining weight, he's nearly 11 pounds now! He just turned 4 weeks old. I keep wondering where the time went. My little boy is growing up, already 22 and 5/8 inches too. His daddy is crazy about him and he is a wonderful father, which I knew he would be. He is an amazing husband, so naturally that would carry over into fatherhood. My brother is crazy about him and I literally have to pry him away from my father. This is his first and only grandchild, so needless to say, he's pretty smitten with him. Big C will be spoiled, no doubt. But, not to a fault. He will always be expected to be respectful of others. But for now, he's little and snugly and I'm more than happy to indulge him in his snuggle moments and holding him most of the time. We've had lots of visitors and everyone has been just wonderful and they happen to think he is the bees knees too!

In other news, the puppies are doing well too. Two of them have found homes with repeat puppy owners. This is the second for one family, and the third for the other couple. It makes me feel really good knowing that people have been so happy with my puppies that they never want to get another from anyone else. In fact, there is a third person, also a repeat owner interested in one of the other pups. Kofi, the cleft puppy is also doing wonderful. Again, I'm thankful to God for pulling him through. He is only the second cleft puppy that I've pulled through this far. He will be evaluated by the surgeon for his future surgery. The preliminary exam was very favorable for him and the vet was impressed with his current condition.

In other news, my cousin gave birth to her 4th baby on January 30th. She had a girl, Little E, weighing 7 pounds, 11 ounces and 20 1/2 inches. She had a head full of dark hair too! A has always given birth to blondes like herself....so this is new for her. She looks like her Dad. There are lots of things that she and I have planned with our little ones. Pictures together, trips to the zoo, etc. Since they are 4 weeks apart, and she lives only a few miles away, our babies will have play dates together and even get to go to school together. She and I are looking forward to it. She always wanted us to be pregnant together, and although she wasn't planning the 4th baby, she's happier than ever that Em has come along. We've enjoyed being pregnant together and sharing our experiences. I couldn't have asked for a better *preggo partner*.

Well, I need to close for now. It's time to feed Big C and spend some snuggles with him.

-MoM-