What Do You Want From Me?

I'm disappointed.  I feel failed.  I know that medication is not a cure for postpartum depression/anxiety.  But I guess I did think it was going to make me "all better" and I would be fine as long as I was taking it.  Yeah, that is totally not what happens.  When I had my medication adjusted a few weeks ago, I had a few bad days.  I was irritable, snappy and I was just in a funk.  It really sucked.  After about 4 days, things were beginning to even out and I was actually enjoying some of the manic episodes.  I was super mom!  Cooking, cleaning, tending to the kids.  There was not a crying child all day because I had attended to every need and was a flipping June Cleaver on speed.  Everything was GREAT!  Until yesterday.

The day started out fine enough.  But I was slightly agitated and I assumed it was because of Big C coming down with a 103* temperature the night before.  This child is 18 months old and has never had a fever higher than 99 and that was only when he got his vaccines.  I know I have 2 babies, but I am still a new Mommy.  Only been one for 18 months and I have a lot to learn and many things I've yet to experience.  I was ready to race him to the ER because I was afraid if it went higher his brain was going to fry.  I might have been somewhat melodramatic but he is my baby!  So don't judge me!

I took Big C to the pediatrician yesterday morning.  After speaking to him the night before and determining it appeared as though it wasn't life-threatening, he asked me to bring him in the next morning.  Everything went well while we were there.  It was even fine after we got home.  But as the day wore on, I found myself getting frustrated and then the moodiness set in.  Let me give you some advice, when this happens, if you have someone else around to take care of your children, let them do it. 

I should probably also tell you that Little C has had two incidences of diarrhea.  They have been isolated and no fever for her.  But she is 3 months old, Big C does have a fever with no other symptoms, so it makes me nervous.  Their issues are probably unrelated since the symptoms are different, but who knows?  I'm thinking this was a trigger for me.  I am naturally a little neurotic, especially when it comes to my kids.  The fact that I am agitated also doesn't help the kids.  They can easily pick up on things like that.  Add to that a cranky toddler with a fever and a fussy newborn with acid reflux, gas pains from diarrhea and an appetite like a bear after waking from a 4 hour nap and you have a very ugly situation about to explode.

I don't even want to recount this because it hurts.  I'm still feeling horrible about it.  Little C was super fussy and literally screaming like a crazy child.  I could hear her swallowing huge gulps of air as she screamed.  I had already fed her about an hour prior.  Had just changed her diaper when she began to fuss.  But it went from mild fussing to full out hysterics in 2 seconds flat.  I didn't know what to do.  I had already fed her, she burped 4 times, I changed her diaper, I rocked her, shushed her, checked her temperature just to make sure she didn't have a fever, rocked her some more and she JUST. KEPT. SCREAMING.

Then I felt it, hot tears welling up and I quickly laid her on the bed.  Was she still hungry?  She just drank 5 ounces and that is normally her limit.  I'll make her some more anyway.  I jumped off the bed and began mixing up a bottle.  I just couldn't make it fast enough.  She just starting screaming like someone was hurting her, killing her.  I then began screaming.  Yelling at her to "just wait a minute I'm going as fast as I can" but she continued to scream and scream and scream.  The bottle was made and I raced over to the bed, snatched her up and shoved the nipple in her mouth.  And....she screamed.  AND SCREAMED AND SCREAMED.  Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore.  I yelled out for K to come help me.  He came in and I gave her to him and told him to walk with her and try to get her under control.

He walked her up and down the hallway and after a few moments she began to quiet.  I could hear her sniffling, sucking in sharp gulps of air as she settled down.  I just sat on the bed, put my head in my hands and I cried.  Silently, shamefully.  I yelled at my baby...again.  I thought the medicine was supposed to stop that?  I thought I wasn't going to flip out and fly off the handle anymore?  What happened?  What do I need to do to get this to stop?  Goddamn it PPD...WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?  I hate this and I hate you!  You are stealing me away from my children.  I'm afraid of causing psychological damage to both of them when I flip out and yell.  I just want to be like everyone else, you know?  Not irritable, frustrated, moody, angry, paranoid, neurotic, over protective, obsessive compulsive, anxiety ridden, self-loathing, guilt-ridden and feeling like a failure.  I am not like this all the time.  But I don't want to be like this at all.

K brought her back into the bedroom and handed her to me.  She looked up at me with red-rimmed eyes, wet and glassy from crying.  Her little nose running a bit and her face flushed from crying.  I offered her the bottle and she took it without protest.  I looked into those beautiful little brown eyes and I told her I was sorry.  That I am a horrible mother and that I wish I could take it back, wished I could be a better mother.  And then I cried sobbed.  Body rocking, deep sobbing.  So much and so hard that my head began to hurt.  None of this was her fault.  It is mine.  I need to get control of myself.  I can't do it alone.  I can't expect medication to do it alone either.  I know this is going to take time, but that is something I feel like I never have enough of these days.  I'll be talking to my doctor again and maybe it is time that I look into finding a postpartum group or therapist.  Right now, I'm willing to take all the help I can get if it means my recovery will be faster and complete.

I Thought We Were In The Home Stretch

With the acid reflux.  But no.  Little C had her 2 month check up on Monday.  Things went well.  She is in the 60-75th percentiles for height & weight and 90% for head size, which Dr. L said was just fine.  She has that nice, round c-section head shape.  Anyway, we discussed her crying/colic situation.  And he saw it first hand for himself.  It is his opinion that even though the gas issue has improved that she is hypersensitive.  Meaning she will cry at the drop of a hat if she is disturbed.  He told me not to worry and that most babies do grow out of this at about 3-4 months.  So, we will see, we've 4-6 more weeks to go.  He reflux seemed to be getting under control until Tuesday night.  It was horrible.  She was spitting up every single time I burped her, bringing it through her nose and then going into a flat out panic, squeezing her eyes shut, shaking, unable to catch her breath and then finally screaming hysterically.  Even after the episode was over I noticed her squeezing her hands tightly into fists, arching her back and throwing her legs straight out, literally she probably could have stood straight up if I had been holding her that way, while she screamed.  Not cried.  Oh no.  This was flat out hysterical, panicked screaming that clearly says, "Something is wrong."  It was the kind of scream where you knew immediately it meant "I am in pain."  I couldn't get her to eat any more formula either.  I finally got her settled down and she did sleep through the night.  She awoke at 4:30am and drank her whole 4 ounce bottle and we had no problems.  I was relieved.

Then came later that morning.  I tried to feed her again at 8:30am.  The same thing happened.  She drank, burped and spit up bringing it through her nose, panicked, screamed, cried and continued writhing in pain, refusing to drink any additional formula.  I called the pediatrician and told him what was going on.  He told me to stop the Zantac and called in a script for Prevacid.  Hoping this will remedy her problem.  I do too.  Things have been unchanged thus far, but she has only had 2 doses.  I worry that I can't get her to drink more than 2-3 ounces at a feeding.  She is clearly not herself.  And although she may be hypersensitive and crying a lot, she is still my sweet girl and I want her crying because she can cry, not because she is in pain.

This is a real blow for me considering the PPD.  The feelings of being inadequate and worthless as a mother did rear their ugly heads yesterday.  It happened during the time that Little C was screaming and crying so hard that I broke down and I cried with her.  I yelled at God and asked why He was doing this to me, to immediately apologize to Him and again feel guilty and shameful over my outburst and inability to control myself from yelling like a loon at the crucifix on my wall.  I looked at my screaming baby, in obvious pain and distress and could do nothing.  Nothing.  I can't make this go away.  Helpless.  I can't even soothe her when she gets like this.  She almost has to cry herself out because she gets into such hysterics and that also scares me.  I don't want my baby doing this to herself day after day.

I've also got other things going on that isn't helping my situation.  The dog with cancer is at the vet.  I'm waiting to hear back from him as I type this.  While I was at the pediatrician with Little C on Monday, my brother called me to tell me, Savannah...my very old Bulldog died.  Granted I know she was old, less than 2 months shy of her 14th birthday, which is unheard of in Bulldogs.  Still, it was something I wish wouldn't have had to happen NOW.  And I don't even want to get into the situation with one of the horses.  Ugh...she really gouged herself up and so I've been playing veterinarian to her as well.  Having to come in and shower before I can touch my kids because I certainly am not going to transmit any kind of infection/bacteria from the animals outside to my kids.  Again, it would have been nice if this didn't happen at all...but especially not now.

Oh and I also didn't mention my father getting into a car accident on Saturday.  He was rear ended by a driver in a SUV who was then hit by the car behind him.  My dad was waiting to make a turn when the guy behind him tried to go around him, he must have been in a big hurry and plowed into the back of my dad's car.  Its an old car...a 1986 Buick.  So there was no collision on it.  And they are going to total it since it can't be driven.  If they decide they can fix it I'll be very surprised.  My Dad hit his head, blacked out for a few minutes and had a good bit of bleeding.  But he refused treatment saying with was only a scratch and that he was fine.  I begged him to let me take him to the hospital or to an urgent care facility at least.  And he refused...telling me he didn't want to hear any more about it.  My Dad is 71.  He is the only grandparent these kids really have as my in-laws are 3,000 miles away in Oregon and my mother is dead.  Big C adores my father.  This has been stressing me out.  I love my father and he is the only parent I have left as well.  I don't want anything happening to him because of his stubborness and refusal to see a doctor.  Especially if it could have been avoided altogether.  But what else can I do?  I can't *make* him.  And I tried.  I laid guilt trips on him and everything and he won't budge.

I so need to find the strength to get us all through this.  Now if only someone could drop a big chunk of it in my lap for me.

Reflux, Colic, Gas...WTFever...I Hate It!!!!!

Little C just turned 6 weeks old yesterday. Happy 6 weeks Little C!  And we've been dealing with IG issues since she was about 10 days old.  Started out with gas and not pooping regularly.  I mean that was a total shocker.  In the hospital and when I first brought her home she wouldn't stop pooping.  I thought something was wrong with her.  The pediatrician thankfully explained that with young babies there is a reflex mechanism that when anything by mouth is stimulated, then the other end gets going too.  So I was relieved to know she was fine.  But within a few days all plumbing action seized up and all she did was fart and scream.  And when I say fart I mean that I had her laying on the bed to change her and it was so loud that it reverberated across the mattress and I felt the vibration on my leg.  It is no wonder she screams like she does.

She was switched over to Enfamil Gentlease and for the first few days it really seemed to do the trick.  That was short lived.  I stuck it out but we were still having the same pooping issue along with the gas.  This poor thing was screaming...like...the kind that seeks out that one area in your spinal column that makes you want to scream along with her kinda screaming.  Face turning so red that it looked like her eyeballs were going to pop out of her head.  Then you would hear it.  These farts were so huge, I know that had to sting her little butt cheeks.  After she'd lay there, panting and glistening with sweat.  You have to realize what this is doing to me as her mother.  It is ripping me apart that I have to watch her suffer like this and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

At her 4 week appointment we discussed her reflux, which is mild compared to the gas/colic.  He prescribed her some Zantac which works, when I get it in her rather than on her.  It tastes (yes, I tasted it) like unflavored cough medicine.  I even have one of those nifty medicine bottles with a nipple on it and it usually works pretty well.  But sometimes she just fights me.  He also recommended that after 7-10 days if there was no improvement with the colic that we switch her to Enfamil Nutramigen.  Around 6 days later, after a feeding I was holding her and she had fallen asleep.  Three hours passed by and I was getting ready to wake her up and feed her when she spit up.  It wasn't an ungodly amount.  But it was 3 hours after being fed.  Shouldn't that formula have been digested and gone by then?  I called the pediatrician and he told me that yes, it should have been digested in 3 hours and to switch her to Nutramigen and keep her on Zantac.

About 2 weeks have gone by and Little C is still colicky.  I don't think it is quite as bad as when she was on Gentlease.  She still screams and farts like crazy.  If she isn't sleeping, she is screaming.  There are a few times where she is alert and smiling. (Yes, I said smiling!  Her social smile has made its debut!)  My only saving grace seems to be the cradle swing.  I think it might be magical.  She can be screaming and within 45 seconds of putting her in it she is sleeping.  That is how I've been able to write a few posts in the last two days.  And cook, clean, do laundry (well some of it anyway...effin hate laundry) and spend time with the in-laws.  The pooping situation has improved a little.  Softer yes, more frequent...not really.  Still only once a day most of the time. 

I just want my baby back.  She is at the point in her development where she is starting to discover things and show off her personality and I rarely get to see it because she is always screaming.  I'm praying that I can make it through this.  Big C had colic but after seeing what Little C is going through, I wouldn't even classify it as colic.  He screamed...a lot.  But he didn't have all the other issues Little C has.  I guess for now, I'm going to be breaking down the pack 'n play and moving the swing into my bedroom and letting her sleep in that at night.  At least then, we'll both get some sleep.

Life on The Reflux Front

Little C has reflux.  Great news is, it's not that bad.  Just enough to make her uncomfortable, scream and bring formula flying through her nose.  And I hate that.  I cannot tell you how I abhor it coming through her nose.  It makes me a nervous wreck.  She could easily suck what she brought through her nose and aspirate it into her lungs and wind up with pneumonia. But, I'm a veteran at using bulb syringes and pulling gunk out of noses....'cept they were the noses of puppies.  It really isn't that different.

I did invest in a product recently and it was clearly the best $20 I have ever spent.  It is the battery operated aspirator by Graco.  I cannot sing its praises enough!  Big C detests having his face sucked out and thrashes, kicks, screams, thrashes some more looking like he is having a convulsion.  It takes forever with the bulb syringe to get that liquidy goo out of his nose.  I pin his tush down and turn this bad boy on and in like 20 seconds its all collected in the cup and its a lot!  Poor kid can finally breathe afterward.  So, if I know you and you are knocked up and inviting me to the baby shower...that is what I'm buying you.  And I don't care if it isn't on your registry or that it won't be a surprise.  Trust me.  You will totally want to make out with me when you use it for the first time.  OK, maybe not make out, but you will think I'm a pretty big deal and stuff.

Anyway, back to Little C.  She was switched to the Enfamil Gentlease formula about 2 weeks ago for her gas issues.  I have to say, it has helped.  She can still rip them off with the best of them, but it is much better.  However her screaming and crying continued.  We had a recheck with the pediatrician on Wednesday and after describing our daily routine, feeding schedule and baby happiness level it was determined that Little C is suffering from some reflux and that it could be due to milk protein sensitivity.  She has been gaining weight steadily.  She is now up to 9lbs. 13oz. and she totally grew an inch and a half in 4 weeks!  She's 21 inches now.  The Dr. has started her on Zantac and it seems to be helping.  If there is no real improvement in 1 week then he wants me to switch her over to the Nutramigen and see how that goes.  I always thought reflux babies barfed all the time and had little weight gain in addition to screaming constantly.  Apparently that is not the case.  I guess some babies are more sensitive than others and so their symptoms are far worse.  Luckily, Little C spits up often, but not a lot in volume.  She does arch her back and stretch her neck when it happens, so I know that sour burning in her throat is the culprit.  We shall see.  The Zantac has been keeping some of her discomfort at bay, but she had a pretty bad episode this morning, spitting up twice in a row, bringing it through the nose and screaming bloody murder.  Other than that, my baby girl is growing and growing!

The in-laws have arrived and Little C's christening is scheduled for this Sunday.  We are frantically working to get everything pulled together and I think we'll make it.

My Lame Attempt To Catch Up

I know I've been absent for a while.  Mostly because I gave birth to this little chubby person 3 weeks ago. 

Well, that and taking care of this little chubby person that I gave birth to 15 months ago.

 
Along with said baby who is a handful herself.  My Little C has gas.  Like...major gas.  She could rival any frat boy's bum.  This in turn makes her extremely unhappy.  I kid you not, her screams...not crying, but her screams are ear shattering.  I'm convinced that I'll be deaf in the right ear if this continues for 3 more weeks because after an hour of said screaming mixed with crying, I can't hear a thing from that ear.

I'll pound out a birth story for Little C at some point, right now I just don't have the energy.  Hey, some of you might want to read it.  It contains having an anxiety attack and hyperventilating in the OR while being prepped for my c-section.  Yeah to the point where I was a might bit hysterical and trying to claw my way off the table....egads...that wasn't supposed to happen!  But, that's for another day.  For right now I'm just going to try to catch up on the other happenings.

A few days after Little C was born, my uncle died.  He was battling cancer of various types, but it was the brain cancer that finally ended his life.  While in recent years I hadn't been super close to him, I was before my Mom died.  He took me fishing where I caught my first fish, bought my brother and I bunnies on Easter and left me with many fine memories.  Like the time while at Easter dinner at their house I had been given a little stuffed chicken who was hatching from an egg.  Uncle Al promptly took it from me, lifted his leg and pretended to fart on it.  I think I was 4 or 5 years old.  I burst into tears and was convinced that he really did fart on my chicken and that now it was going to smell like that fart FOREVER!  My Aunt yelled at him...he laughed, grabbed it once again and again lifted his leg and farted on my chicken.  Everyone laughed and told me he was only kidding.  I was having none of it.  I can only guess that my Aunt was tired of my wailing and took me upstairs to her room where I proceeded to pour nearly and entire bottle of perfume on that chicken.  My Uncle was a character to say the least.  He had a great sense of humor, and the spirit of a mischievous kid.  I'm really going to miss him...alot.  I went to his viewing and the funeral and yes, I brought my kids with me.  My husband stayed at home with Big C during the viewing, but I had to take Little C with me.  I didn't want to leave him home alone with both babies after just 9 days.  All of us attended his funeral.  He loved kids and I know he'd have loved little Little C too.  At this most joyous time in my life, I was forced to deal with something so sad and permanent as death.  It is exhausting being both happy and sad at the same time.

I've also been really concerned about my brother.  A while back I made brief mention of what was going on with him in this entry.  Well, he was in the hospital back in September and had to go back in the hospital again in January.  Although it was only for a week.  He is now going to the wound care clinic to try to get the ulcers on his legs under control.  My brother has chronic venous insufficiency.  In other words, he has lousy veins in his legs which cause poor blood flow from the legs to the heart, which in turns causes severe edema, which leads to the ulcers.  It is a vicious cycle and he went in and had vein ablation done back on March 8th to allow healthy veins to take over in order to alleviate the excessive swelling.  Its been a nightmare from there.  From a hematoma, to suspected blood clot and just when the ulcers were healing up and looking good....new ones have developed.  He has been in a lot of pain with it and the ulcers are equivalent to 2nd degree burns.  He hasn't been able to get around like he used to, which has lead to him being irritable and snappy, which leads to the two of us fighting constantly. *Sigh*

Let's move on to my Dad.  I honestly don't even know where to start there.  But to save a long and drawn out post as this one is getting there already, he has been having health issues as well.  Already diagnosed with Stage 3 chronic kidney disease, he has only recently developed swelling in his legs and feet and it is troublesome.  Because the swelling is really bad.  In fact his doctor called while I have been writing this entry to tell me that the blood tests that were done yesterday are showing the kidney has gotten worse.  However, after being prescribed an antibiotic by his PCP for something unrelated, the Nephrologist wants him to stop the antibiotic and hae the blood test done again on Monday.  I'm worried about him.  I've already lost my Mother.  He is the only parent I have left.  Just now beginning to enjoy being a grandfather to Big C, who adores him BTW, and looking forward to playing with his granddaughter too...I'm so afraid that something will happen to him.  He isn't a spring chicken at 71 years old...but has been in really good health all but for the kidney.  It's bad enough my babies will never get to know the awesomeness that was their maternal Grandmother....I don't want them missing out on knowing their Grandfather as well.

Which brings me to me.  I've been under a lot of pressure lately.  Hormonal changes from having Little C.  My inability to produce sufficient breast milk, despite pumping...a lot.  Only managing 1/4 of an ounce is discouraging to say the least, but I trudged on and made it up to a whole 1/2 ounce per breast.  Which quickly diminished again to a mere dribble.  Sleep deprived.  Little C's constant crying and being unable to poop without me *encouraging* it and being gas bound.  My Uncle dying and then attending his funeral the day before Easter.  My brother and father having health issues.  Oh, and my in laws are coming next week to see the babies.  And we are having Little C baptized next weekend too.  Which I haven't gotten invitations done, or the cake thought about, or favors.  I just barely got the date nailed down.  My in laws are traveling by vehicle the 3000 miles from Oregon.  They wanted to come last year to see Big C after he was born, but then some things came up on their end  and they found themselves unable to make the long trip.  I wanted to have Little C baptized while they were here because it is something special and they've come so far.  I really am looking forward to seeing them.  It's been several years since I have.  I also think it might be a welcomed relief to have a maternal figure around to help.

I've been having what is typically referred to as the Baby Blues.  It's been 3 weeks since Little C's birth and typically the blues go away within a few weeks,  But with everything else I've had going on, mine is probably hanging around a bit longer.  Don't worry...I don't want to harm myself or my babies or anything like that.  I just feel overwhelmed, out of control (mostly because I'm a fixer...I like to fix things and make it all better), inadequate (thank you breasts and my inability to console my screaming baby), guilty (I can't dedicate myself to Big C like I once did, especially since he is now a snot factory and I dunno if it's allergies or a cold and won't take the risk of making Little C sick too), frustrated, inadequate, irritable and completely alone.  I think that part is the worst...feeling so alone because no one else in your house can understand what you are going through.  I wonder if I can go back to taking St. John's Wort?  I decided to take that after my Mom died.  My doc wanted to slap me on Zoloft but I knew I just needed to grieve.  I didn't like the depression along with my grieving so I tried St. John's Wort and it actually did work for me.  I've already decided that I'm not going on any type of hormonal birth control, so I don't need to worry about the contraindications on that front.

Well, that is most of it in a nutshell.  A very large nutshell by the looks of this mega post.  But it was a lot of catching up.  I'll probably be sporadic in my postings for a while.  Pretty sure I won't be on the computer at all while the In-laws are here for 2 weeks. I'm hoping I can retain my sanity through all of this.