My Lame Attempt To Catch Up

I know I've been absent for a while.  Mostly because I gave birth to this little chubby person 3 weeks ago. 

Well, that and taking care of this little chubby person that I gave birth to 15 months ago.

 
Along with said baby who is a handful herself.  My Little C has gas.  Like...major gas.  She could rival any frat boy's bum.  This in turn makes her extremely unhappy.  I kid you not, her screams...not crying, but her screams are ear shattering.  I'm convinced that I'll be deaf in the right ear if this continues for 3 more weeks because after an hour of said screaming mixed with crying, I can't hear a thing from that ear.

I'll pound out a birth story for Little C at some point, right now I just don't have the energy.  Hey, some of you might want to read it.  It contains having an anxiety attack and hyperventilating in the OR while being prepped for my c-section.  Yeah to the point where I was a might bit hysterical and trying to claw my way off the table....egads...that wasn't supposed to happen!  But, that's for another day.  For right now I'm just going to try to catch up on the other happenings.

A few days after Little C was born, my uncle died.  He was battling cancer of various types, but it was the brain cancer that finally ended his life.  While in recent years I hadn't been super close to him, I was before my Mom died.  He took me fishing where I caught my first fish, bought my brother and I bunnies on Easter and left me with many fine memories.  Like the time while at Easter dinner at their house I had been given a little stuffed chicken who was hatching from an egg.  Uncle Al promptly took it from me, lifted his leg and pretended to fart on it.  I think I was 4 or 5 years old.  I burst into tears and was convinced that he really did fart on my chicken and that now it was going to smell like that fart FOREVER!  My Aunt yelled at him...he laughed, grabbed it once again and again lifted his leg and farted on my chicken.  Everyone laughed and told me he was only kidding.  I was having none of it.  I can only guess that my Aunt was tired of my wailing and took me upstairs to her room where I proceeded to pour nearly and entire bottle of perfume on that chicken.  My Uncle was a character to say the least.  He had a great sense of humor, and the spirit of a mischievous kid.  I'm really going to miss him...alot.  I went to his viewing and the funeral and yes, I brought my kids with me.  My husband stayed at home with Big C during the viewing, but I had to take Little C with me.  I didn't want to leave him home alone with both babies after just 9 days.  All of us attended his funeral.  He loved kids and I know he'd have loved little Little C too.  At this most joyous time in my life, I was forced to deal with something so sad and permanent as death.  It is exhausting being both happy and sad at the same time.

I've also been really concerned about my brother.  A while back I made brief mention of what was going on with him in this entry.  Well, he was in the hospital back in September and had to go back in the hospital again in January.  Although it was only for a week.  He is now going to the wound care clinic to try to get the ulcers on his legs under control.  My brother has chronic venous insufficiency.  In other words, he has lousy veins in his legs which cause poor blood flow from the legs to the heart, which in turns causes severe edema, which leads to the ulcers.  It is a vicious cycle and he went in and had vein ablation done back on March 8th to allow healthy veins to take over in order to alleviate the excessive swelling.  Its been a nightmare from there.  From a hematoma, to suspected blood clot and just when the ulcers were healing up and looking good....new ones have developed.  He has been in a lot of pain with it and the ulcers are equivalent to 2nd degree burns.  He hasn't been able to get around like he used to, which has lead to him being irritable and snappy, which leads to the two of us fighting constantly. *Sigh*

Let's move on to my Dad.  I honestly don't even know where to start there.  But to save a long and drawn out post as this one is getting there already, he has been having health issues as well.  Already diagnosed with Stage 3 chronic kidney disease, he has only recently developed swelling in his legs and feet and it is troublesome.  Because the swelling is really bad.  In fact his doctor called while I have been writing this entry to tell me that the blood tests that were done yesterday are showing the kidney has gotten worse.  However, after being prescribed an antibiotic by his PCP for something unrelated, the Nephrologist wants him to stop the antibiotic and hae the blood test done again on Monday.  I'm worried about him.  I've already lost my Mother.  He is the only parent I have left.  Just now beginning to enjoy being a grandfather to Big C, who adores him BTW, and looking forward to playing with his granddaughter too...I'm so afraid that something will happen to him.  He isn't a spring chicken at 71 years old...but has been in really good health all but for the kidney.  It's bad enough my babies will never get to know the awesomeness that was their maternal Grandmother....I don't want them missing out on knowing their Grandfather as well.

Which brings me to me.  I've been under a lot of pressure lately.  Hormonal changes from having Little C.  My inability to produce sufficient breast milk, despite pumping...a lot.  Only managing 1/4 of an ounce is discouraging to say the least, but I trudged on and made it up to a whole 1/2 ounce per breast.  Which quickly diminished again to a mere dribble.  Sleep deprived.  Little C's constant crying and being unable to poop without me *encouraging* it and being gas bound.  My Uncle dying and then attending his funeral the day before Easter.  My brother and father having health issues.  Oh, and my in laws are coming next week to see the babies.  And we are having Little C baptized next weekend too.  Which I haven't gotten invitations done, or the cake thought about, or favors.  I just barely got the date nailed down.  My in laws are traveling by vehicle the 3000 miles from Oregon.  They wanted to come last year to see Big C after he was born, but then some things came up on their end  and they found themselves unable to make the long trip.  I wanted to have Little C baptized while they were here because it is something special and they've come so far.  I really am looking forward to seeing them.  It's been several years since I have.  I also think it might be a welcomed relief to have a maternal figure around to help.

I've been having what is typically referred to as the Baby Blues.  It's been 3 weeks since Little C's birth and typically the blues go away within a few weeks,  But with everything else I've had going on, mine is probably hanging around a bit longer.  Don't worry...I don't want to harm myself or my babies or anything like that.  I just feel overwhelmed, out of control (mostly because I'm a fixer...I like to fix things and make it all better), inadequate (thank you breasts and my inability to console my screaming baby), guilty (I can't dedicate myself to Big C like I once did, especially since he is now a snot factory and I dunno if it's allergies or a cold and won't take the risk of making Little C sick too), frustrated, inadequate, irritable and completely alone.  I think that part is the worst...feeling so alone because no one else in your house can understand what you are going through.  I wonder if I can go back to taking St. John's Wort?  I decided to take that after my Mom died.  My doc wanted to slap me on Zoloft but I knew I just needed to grieve.  I didn't like the depression along with my grieving so I tried St. John's Wort and it actually did work for me.  I've already decided that I'm not going on any type of hormonal birth control, so I don't need to worry about the contraindications on that front.

Well, that is most of it in a nutshell.  A very large nutshell by the looks of this mega post.  But it was a lot of catching up.  I'll probably be sporadic in my postings for a while.  Pretty sure I won't be on the computer at all while the In-laws are here for 2 weeks. I'm hoping I can retain my sanity through all of this.