Almost To A Close

While this year has presented me with the greatest joys and deep heartache, I am thankful for them all.  It has been a long time since I've blogged.  I've been busy with my life and kids and to be perfectly honest, I've lacked the motivation.  I wish I was able to be on top of my game and hammer out a week's worth of posts over the weekend and set them to auto-publish.  But alas, it just isn't the way I do things.  I blog when I am moved to do so.  So I'll attempt to catch you up, bare bones version.  Adding details would only add to the length of a post that will be long enough already.

On September 24, 2010 my baby girl turned 6 months old.  We went to the pediatrician and got her weight and height.  She was perfect.  Right on target.  I was happy.  That evening, K got home from work and had to leave shortly after to head over to the hospital for a sleep study.  I snuggled into bed for the night.  I love K, but he can snore like no ones business.  So it was nice to have the bed to myself and enjoy a quiet, full nights sleep, provided kids didn't wake up.  At 12:27am my phone rang and it was my MIL in Oregon.  I immediately knew something was wrong as she'd never call that late.  I could also tell my her voice that she was very distraught and upset.  The words I heard over the phone will forever be ingrained into my soul..."Dad was killed in a motorcycle accident tonight."

I almost dropped the phone.  Still blurry-eyed and half asleep I stammered and stumbled over my own words, in shock and not able to even get them out right.  Sparing the details as it is still very painful to even think about, I found myself faced with having to drive to the hospital in the wee hours of the morning to tell K that his father had been killed.  How do you do that?  How do you wake him up out of a hospital test and say something like that?  I had no choice.  After driving home he booked the first flight he could get which was later that morning.  

It pained me not to go with him.  But I had the babies here and it just wasn't possible at the time for all of us to go.  I loved my FIL.  He was a wonderful man and just the nicest person I think I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.  I instantly loved him the moment I met him.  He was soft spoken, gentle, amazingly talented and the perfect Grandpa.  My son adored him.  When they were here visiting in April/May, each morning when Big C would wake up, he'd run looking for Grandpa. It breaks my heart that he and Little C will not know what an amazing man their grandfather was.  They have to miss out on him and on their grandmother, my Mom who was my absolute hero.

Part of the reason I've been absent in blogging for so long is trying to find the words to talk about something so painful.  Sometimes writing helps, and other times...you just can't find the words and have to wait until they come on their own.  Despite the unpleasant things that have happened this year, I am thankful that I still have my Dad, who turned 72 last month.  I'm also undeniably thankful that I have 2 beautiful, healthy, intelligent, happy and amazing children that I should be thanking God for, out loud each and everyday.  And though at times I forget to say my prayers and thank Him, I am eternally grateful to Him for all He has given to me.  While I mourn the loss of my dear FIL, I am also thankful to have been able to know him.  That is a blessing in itself because of the man that he was.  My life is more enriched because he was in it, even though the time was too short.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting as this year approaches it's end.  I've alot of things to think about, changes I want to make and looking for the new year to be better than the last.  I'll do my best to make it better, the rest, I'll leave up to God as He really does know best.  I'd like to leave you with a few photos of my FIL...doing what he loved and with who he loved...motorcycles and his grandkids.

George William Jones
Aug. 31, 1946 - Sept. 24, 2010

The Vulcan

I Thought We Were In The Home Stretch

With the acid reflux.  But no.  Little C had her 2 month check up on Monday.  Things went well.  She is in the 60-75th percentiles for height & weight and 90% for head size, which Dr. L said was just fine.  She has that nice, round c-section head shape.  Anyway, we discussed her crying/colic situation.  And he saw it first hand for himself.  It is his opinion that even though the gas issue has improved that she is hypersensitive.  Meaning she will cry at the drop of a hat if she is disturbed.  He told me not to worry and that most babies do grow out of this at about 3-4 months.  So, we will see, we've 4-6 more weeks to go.  He reflux seemed to be getting under control until Tuesday night.  It was horrible.  She was spitting up every single time I burped her, bringing it through her nose and then going into a flat out panic, squeezing her eyes shut, shaking, unable to catch her breath and then finally screaming hysterically.  Even after the episode was over I noticed her squeezing her hands tightly into fists, arching her back and throwing her legs straight out, literally she probably could have stood straight up if I had been holding her that way, while she screamed.  Not cried.  Oh no.  This was flat out hysterical, panicked screaming that clearly says, "Something is wrong."  It was the kind of scream where you knew immediately it meant "I am in pain."  I couldn't get her to eat any more formula either.  I finally got her settled down and she did sleep through the night.  She awoke at 4:30am and drank her whole 4 ounce bottle and we had no problems.  I was relieved.

Then came later that morning.  I tried to feed her again at 8:30am.  The same thing happened.  She drank, burped and spit up bringing it through her nose, panicked, screamed, cried and continued writhing in pain, refusing to drink any additional formula.  I called the pediatrician and told him what was going on.  He told me to stop the Zantac and called in a script for Prevacid.  Hoping this will remedy her problem.  I do too.  Things have been unchanged thus far, but she has only had 2 doses.  I worry that I can't get her to drink more than 2-3 ounces at a feeding.  She is clearly not herself.  And although she may be hypersensitive and crying a lot, she is still my sweet girl and I want her crying because she can cry, not because she is in pain.

This is a real blow for me considering the PPD.  The feelings of being inadequate and worthless as a mother did rear their ugly heads yesterday.  It happened during the time that Little C was screaming and crying so hard that I broke down and I cried with her.  I yelled at God and asked why He was doing this to me, to immediately apologize to Him and again feel guilty and shameful over my outburst and inability to control myself from yelling like a loon at the crucifix on my wall.  I looked at my screaming baby, in obvious pain and distress and could do nothing.  Nothing.  I can't make this go away.  Helpless.  I can't even soothe her when she gets like this.  She almost has to cry herself out because she gets into such hysterics and that also scares me.  I don't want my baby doing this to herself day after day.

I've also got other things going on that isn't helping my situation.  The dog with cancer is at the vet.  I'm waiting to hear back from him as I type this.  While I was at the pediatrician with Little C on Monday, my brother called me to tell me, Savannah...my very old Bulldog died.  Granted I know she was old, less than 2 months shy of her 14th birthday, which is unheard of in Bulldogs.  Still, it was something I wish wouldn't have had to happen NOW.  And I don't even want to get into the situation with one of the horses.  Ugh...she really gouged herself up and so I've been playing veterinarian to her as well.  Having to come in and shower before I can touch my kids because I certainly am not going to transmit any kind of infection/bacteria from the animals outside to my kids.  Again, it would have been nice if this didn't happen at all...but especially not now.

Oh and I also didn't mention my father getting into a car accident on Saturday.  He was rear ended by a driver in a SUV who was then hit by the car behind him.  My dad was waiting to make a turn when the guy behind him tried to go around him, he must have been in a big hurry and plowed into the back of my dad's car.  Its an old car...a 1986 Buick.  So there was no collision on it.  And they are going to total it since it can't be driven.  If they decide they can fix it I'll be very surprised.  My Dad hit his head, blacked out for a few minutes and had a good bit of bleeding.  But he refused treatment saying with was only a scratch and that he was fine.  I begged him to let me take him to the hospital or to an urgent care facility at least.  And he refused...telling me he didn't want to hear any more about it.  My Dad is 71.  He is the only grandparent these kids really have as my in-laws are 3,000 miles away in Oregon and my mother is dead.  Big C adores my father.  This has been stressing me out.  I love my father and he is the only parent I have left as well.  I don't want anything happening to him because of his stubborness and refusal to see a doctor.  Especially if it could have been avoided altogether.  But what else can I do?  I can't *make* him.  And I tried.  I laid guilt trips on him and everything and he won't budge.

I so need to find the strength to get us all through this.  Now if only someone could drop a big chunk of it in my lap for me.

My Lame Attempt To Catch Up

I know I've been absent for a while.  Mostly because I gave birth to this little chubby person 3 weeks ago. 

Well, that and taking care of this little chubby person that I gave birth to 15 months ago.

 
Along with said baby who is a handful herself.  My Little C has gas.  Like...major gas.  She could rival any frat boy's bum.  This in turn makes her extremely unhappy.  I kid you not, her screams...not crying, but her screams are ear shattering.  I'm convinced that I'll be deaf in the right ear if this continues for 3 more weeks because after an hour of said screaming mixed with crying, I can't hear a thing from that ear.

I'll pound out a birth story for Little C at some point, right now I just don't have the energy.  Hey, some of you might want to read it.  It contains having an anxiety attack and hyperventilating in the OR while being prepped for my c-section.  Yeah to the point where I was a might bit hysterical and trying to claw my way off the table....egads...that wasn't supposed to happen!  But, that's for another day.  For right now I'm just going to try to catch up on the other happenings.

A few days after Little C was born, my uncle died.  He was battling cancer of various types, but it was the brain cancer that finally ended his life.  While in recent years I hadn't been super close to him, I was before my Mom died.  He took me fishing where I caught my first fish, bought my brother and I bunnies on Easter and left me with many fine memories.  Like the time while at Easter dinner at their house I had been given a little stuffed chicken who was hatching from an egg.  Uncle Al promptly took it from me, lifted his leg and pretended to fart on it.  I think I was 4 or 5 years old.  I burst into tears and was convinced that he really did fart on my chicken and that now it was going to smell like that fart FOREVER!  My Aunt yelled at him...he laughed, grabbed it once again and again lifted his leg and farted on my chicken.  Everyone laughed and told me he was only kidding.  I was having none of it.  I can only guess that my Aunt was tired of my wailing and took me upstairs to her room where I proceeded to pour nearly and entire bottle of perfume on that chicken.  My Uncle was a character to say the least.  He had a great sense of humor, and the spirit of a mischievous kid.  I'm really going to miss him...alot.  I went to his viewing and the funeral and yes, I brought my kids with me.  My husband stayed at home with Big C during the viewing, but I had to take Little C with me.  I didn't want to leave him home alone with both babies after just 9 days.  All of us attended his funeral.  He loved kids and I know he'd have loved little Little C too.  At this most joyous time in my life, I was forced to deal with something so sad and permanent as death.  It is exhausting being both happy and sad at the same time.

I've also been really concerned about my brother.  A while back I made brief mention of what was going on with him in this entry.  Well, he was in the hospital back in September and had to go back in the hospital again in January.  Although it was only for a week.  He is now going to the wound care clinic to try to get the ulcers on his legs under control.  My brother has chronic venous insufficiency.  In other words, he has lousy veins in his legs which cause poor blood flow from the legs to the heart, which in turns causes severe edema, which leads to the ulcers.  It is a vicious cycle and he went in and had vein ablation done back on March 8th to allow healthy veins to take over in order to alleviate the excessive swelling.  Its been a nightmare from there.  From a hematoma, to suspected blood clot and just when the ulcers were healing up and looking good....new ones have developed.  He has been in a lot of pain with it and the ulcers are equivalent to 2nd degree burns.  He hasn't been able to get around like he used to, which has lead to him being irritable and snappy, which leads to the two of us fighting constantly. *Sigh*

Let's move on to my Dad.  I honestly don't even know where to start there.  But to save a long and drawn out post as this one is getting there already, he has been having health issues as well.  Already diagnosed with Stage 3 chronic kidney disease, he has only recently developed swelling in his legs and feet and it is troublesome.  Because the swelling is really bad.  In fact his doctor called while I have been writing this entry to tell me that the blood tests that were done yesterday are showing the kidney has gotten worse.  However, after being prescribed an antibiotic by his PCP for something unrelated, the Nephrologist wants him to stop the antibiotic and hae the blood test done again on Monday.  I'm worried about him.  I've already lost my Mother.  He is the only parent I have left.  Just now beginning to enjoy being a grandfather to Big C, who adores him BTW, and looking forward to playing with his granddaughter too...I'm so afraid that something will happen to him.  He isn't a spring chicken at 71 years old...but has been in really good health all but for the kidney.  It's bad enough my babies will never get to know the awesomeness that was their maternal Grandmother....I don't want them missing out on knowing their Grandfather as well.

Which brings me to me.  I've been under a lot of pressure lately.  Hormonal changes from having Little C.  My inability to produce sufficient breast milk, despite pumping...a lot.  Only managing 1/4 of an ounce is discouraging to say the least, but I trudged on and made it up to a whole 1/2 ounce per breast.  Which quickly diminished again to a mere dribble.  Sleep deprived.  Little C's constant crying and being unable to poop without me *encouraging* it and being gas bound.  My Uncle dying and then attending his funeral the day before Easter.  My brother and father having health issues.  Oh, and my in laws are coming next week to see the babies.  And we are having Little C baptized next weekend too.  Which I haven't gotten invitations done, or the cake thought about, or favors.  I just barely got the date nailed down.  My in laws are traveling by vehicle the 3000 miles from Oregon.  They wanted to come last year to see Big C after he was born, but then some things came up on their end  and they found themselves unable to make the long trip.  I wanted to have Little C baptized while they were here because it is something special and they've come so far.  I really am looking forward to seeing them.  It's been several years since I have.  I also think it might be a welcomed relief to have a maternal figure around to help.

I've been having what is typically referred to as the Baby Blues.  It's been 3 weeks since Little C's birth and typically the blues go away within a few weeks,  But with everything else I've had going on, mine is probably hanging around a bit longer.  Don't worry...I don't want to harm myself or my babies or anything like that.  I just feel overwhelmed, out of control (mostly because I'm a fixer...I like to fix things and make it all better), inadequate (thank you breasts and my inability to console my screaming baby), guilty (I can't dedicate myself to Big C like I once did, especially since he is now a snot factory and I dunno if it's allergies or a cold and won't take the risk of making Little C sick too), frustrated, inadequate, irritable and completely alone.  I think that part is the worst...feeling so alone because no one else in your house can understand what you are going through.  I wonder if I can go back to taking St. John's Wort?  I decided to take that after my Mom died.  My doc wanted to slap me on Zoloft but I knew I just needed to grieve.  I didn't like the depression along with my grieving so I tried St. John's Wort and it actually did work for me.  I've already decided that I'm not going on any type of hormonal birth control, so I don't need to worry about the contraindications on that front.

Well, that is most of it in a nutshell.  A very large nutshell by the looks of this mega post.  But it was a lot of catching up.  I'll probably be sporadic in my postings for a while.  Pretty sure I won't be on the computer at all while the In-laws are here for 2 weeks. I'm hoping I can retain my sanity through all of this.

Wow, This is a 4...Make That 7 Wipe Job!

Normally that's how I categorize Big C's *blow outs*.  For those reading who are not Mommies, let me quickly explain the blow out.  The blow out is a massive poop diaper.  A poop so big and so massive that it literally goes from about the top of the crack crease of the tush all the way down and around thoroughly coating the genitals and maybe even creeping up to the top of the diaper.  The levels of the blow out can be anywhere from mild to OH MY GOD.  Leaks can be minimal to go directly to the nearest bath tub.

In this case, surprisingly it was a minimal leak which still called for an outfit change.  The blow out was on the OH MY GOD level though.  Seriously, I don't think I've ever seen so much from him.  I probably should explain that I did give him a healthy dose of prune juice this afternoon prior to his nap.  He hadn't pooped at all yesterday.  I still had no poop from him today and it was 2pm.  So I figured it was time for the good ol prune juice.  I give him the apple prune variety so he drinks it down happily. (Ick)   I have to give props...the stuff works amazingly well.  Within a few hours actually.  Even with a constipated child, its my remedy of choice as it helps soften things up so its less painful.

I know its perfectly normal for a 1 year old to not have a bowel movement for an entire day.  I know it is perfectly normal for them to even go longer.  I have more of a problem with him not pooping than he does.  Even for a day...it irks me.  I guess it goes back to being a neurotic first time mother.  I mean they used to have you write down every wet and dirty diaper in the hospital before you brought them home.  So peeing and pooping regularly must be pretty important, right?  OK, I just like my kid being regular.  So there. :-P

Back to the level of this blow out.  Usually a major blow out is like 4-5 wipes.  I kid you not...I must have used 7 wipes...easy.  There was Just. So. Much. Poop.  My father walked into the room as I unfastened the diaper and shook his head and quickly walked back out saying, "Oh My God."  Yeah...thanks for the help there Dad!  Who knew that much poop could accumulate in a day and a half?

I managed to get Big C cleaned up, freshly diapered and new duds in a matter of minutes.  So all was well.  Just the sheer size and proportion of this blow out was enough to compel me to write this post and share with you.  Aren't you glad I did?  You know you are.

-MoM-

23 Weeks and Counting - Plus Pictures!

First a picture of Big C at Halloween.  He was a lamb!
Returned from another OB appointment some time ago.  Baby is doing well.  The sonogram results were back and everything looked great.  Heart rate was between 140-150.  Oh yeah, by the way.  The sonogram I had done on Saturday, the baby didn't want to give up the goods.  So we don't know if it is a boy or a girl!  SURPRISE!  K had to take the day off work today...without pay...yipee.  Since my blood pressure doesn't always want to cooperate, occasionally I might be sent to L&D to have it monitored for an hour.  With the flu pandemic rolling, the hospital is taking extra precautions, and they should, to protect those who are in them from outsiders bringing the flu in.  So they won't allow me to take Big C back with me while I am monitored.  I don't have a babysitter.  My cousin A is the closest thing I'll get to having someone watch him for me, and she works on Mondays.  My dad would have watched him, but he had work and my brother...well...he gets the willies if left alone with him for more than an hour.  He is better set with older kids...little ones scare him when it comes to being alone and babysitting...lol.  So it left us with K staying home to be with him as our only option.  But it was nice.  Because K is gone 14 hours a day for work (including his hellacious commute) he never has the opportunity to go to any OB appointments with me.  Today was the first time he was able to hear his new baby's heartbeat.  Luckily, my BP was high, but not enough to send me to L&D for monitoring.

I spoke to my OB about this time trying for a VBAC and he said that was just fine.  I really do want the experience.  No, I'd totally skip the labor pain if I could.  But I'd like to experience having that bloody, wiggly screaming darling gift from God slapped up onto my chest as I grab him/her and say my first hello.  I'd like to be able to have the family I care about be there with me as I bring him/her into the world.  And let's face it.  I know other women ask me if I am insane because I want to experience labor (I never went into labor with Big C, then scheduled the section because I was 5 days overdue, he was high in my belly with no intention of dropping and the sonograms said he was 13 pounds!  He was 9lbs. 7oz....just in case you were wondering).  Well, I'd like to pose the same question to them.  Do you really think having a c-section is *easier*?  Having your abdomen sliced open, your guts and muscles shifted around, baby pulled out and then guts and muscles shuffled again and stapled back up?  Honestly ladies....a c-section isn't *that* bad...but a vaginal delivery sure as hell beats a c-section!  I mean come on now!

I have decided that if the baby shows large or hasn't dropped by the time my due date rolls around.  I'm just going to opt for a c-section.  There is no reason for me to be stubborn and put myself or the baby at any more risk than need be.  Sure, I won't have my prime choices for a c-section date (do people really obsess over that?  I mean, if the baby came via vagina you really wouldn't have that much of a choice on birthdays would you?  Seems weird to me.) but that is OK.  Healthy baby is more important than if the baby is born on an even or odd numbered day.  So I'm going to take my time, let my baby grow and develop and see what things look like in January-February.  Perhaps I'll be ready to make a concrete decision on a section then.

We've set up our Christmas tree.  The first one since the Christmas before my mother passed.  Mom really loved Christmas.  It was one of her most favorite holidays.  When she died, it just....was never the same.  It became painful, sad and a bitter reminder of the loss we all have come to know.  I told myself and everyone else that if the Lord had blessed me with a child, then things would change.  We would have a real Christmas again.  Mom would have wanted it that way.  K also put up decorations outside and trimmed the house in lights.  He took me by the hand last night, after he had finished and walked me around to the front.  And all I could really do was stand there and cry.  It looks beautiful.  My mom would have loved it.  It was really hard this time last year.  I was expecting Big C on December 26th.  And I really wanted her to be here, to see him, to know him and to love him.  I wanted him to know her, love her and see her the way I and everyone who knew her did.  But it's more difficult this year.  Because this year, Big C *is* here, the tree *is* up, and the house *is* decorated.  And in every strand of lights, branch of tree, ornament, bow, nativity scene and note of Christmas carols she *is* there.  I really miss her.  A lot.

Thanksgiving was wonderful.  I have so many wonderful things to be thankful for...and I am.  I am truly blessed and God is wonderful!  My life isn't perfect and trust me, I have hardships...but when I gaze into the face of my darling boy and I feel the karate moves of my darling yet to be born, and I watch the faces of my father, brother and husband as they talk, play and snuggle with Big C all I can think is how wonderful, giving and amazing God is and how fortunate I am.

I'm going to go for now.  My back is beginning to hurt a little.  My OB said everything you experience in your first pregnancy, you usually feel it sooner in the next one.  Well, I'm feelin' it!  Wowza.  My ribs are the worst.  Holy Hannah do they scream by the end of the day.  But it's all so worth it.  I just realized that I have been pregnant for the last two 4th of Julys, Labor Days, Halloweens, Thanksgivings and Christmas'!  Well, no wonder I'm feeling it.  I'll have been pregnant for 18 months out of 24 when baby #2 gets here!  *Grins*  I'm so bleeping happy to be me!!!!

It's Halloween and Things Are Happenin'!

One of my most favorite times of the year. Memories of Halloween's past allow me to be a kid once again, remembering how much my mother loved the holiday as much as her children did. It was one of those holiday's where my mom went all out. Decorations, costumes, I honestly don't think there was a year that I entered a costume contest that I didn't win. I can sit here, think of her and smile, my emotions bittersweet. Looking forward to the birth of my own child and doing those same things that my mom once did with me. Yet heartbroken over the fact that she'll never get to see and know her grandchild, and that her grand baby will know her only through the memories of others, pictures and video.

This year will be spent much like last. We've already gotten together with my cousin's family and carved pumpkins last week. We had a wonderful time. We will try to go over to their house tonight to see the kids dressed in their costumes and spend the evening with them. I still have another pumpkin to carve, which I'll be getting to later today, and roasting the pumpkin seeds. My brother will probably come with us and wear a mask that will have the kids screaming bloody murder. (He did it last year.) Which is humorous for us, not so much for her and the kids...lol.

In other news, we will be expecting some puppies in the next few days. I'm hoping all will go well there. She's been dropped off already and is sitting comfortable now. Dad's birthday is coming up in a few days as well. I'll be doing the cake for that, along with baking a few other goodies. I've also several doctor's appointments lined up. Geez, Dad's birthday, Election Day AND a doctor's appointment...I'll be busy. The week after that is my next OB appointment. I'll be scheduled for another ultrasound then and it marks the beginning of OB visits every 2 weeks. I can hardly believe that I have a mere 8 weeks left! Talk about having the most amazing Christmas gift! I'm due on the 26th of December, but even if we go a bit late, it will be wonderful!

Well, I'm off to get some lunch, finish watching a great horror flick then get to carving my last pumpkin and get ready for tonight! Have a Happy and Safe Halloween!

-S-