It's Been A While

It's kind of hard to put into words the past year.  Too many milestones, events all that jazz have happened.  And since I've mentioned numerous times how neglected this poor blog is, well it is no surprise that it's been well, neglected for the past year.

See, I thought I would be able to write down all those cute little anecdotes, sayings, events here in this blog and be able to go back and read it years from now and say, "Oh, I remember that!"  And I will, because I wrote some of it down here.  But, as they say, life happens.  And I'll be honest, I've been too busy living in that life to sit down and write about it.

I have to tell you that I did have plans to sit down and write a catchy little blog post after my kids were blissfully tucked into bed.  I could sit down with a nice glass of wine or even a cup of coffee, relax and write about the things on my mind, what occurred during the day/week or even just to brag about my kid a little!  But seriously?  Who the hell am I kidding?  When I put my darlings, and they really are by the way, blissfully to bed, I too am headed to my bed.  I'm wiped out.  I might have 20 minutes in me to read a little, but that is about it.  To actually sit down and write out a blog post? HAHAHAHAHA yeah, right.  I'm way too brain fried for that.  Not in a bad way either.  So please don't think that I'm saying I'm so exhausted from my children that I can't function longer than 20 minutes after they go to bed.  I am exhausted from living this wonderful life.  A life with my best friend, our two awesome kids, my dad and my brother.  I love this kind of exhausted!

Big C and Little C are doing great.  I know it sounds cliche, but I am so blessed....really!  I deal with the fear, that I'm sure nearly all parents deal with, that I'm not doing something right.  That my kids won't grow up to be good, decent, moral individuals who can think for themselves and choose to do the right thing, no matter the situation.  These are the years that are so impressionable.  I am their example of...well lots of things.  What a human being should be, a woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister.  I am their role model.  The person they will choose to emulate and try to become like.  At least for now I am.  That is a huge responsibility.  Little eyes watch me all the time.  I'm not perfect, at all.  I'm like....really, really far from perfect.  So they are already getting a flawed perception of what to strive for.  But I do go to bed at night wondering if I gave them a good example.  If I was a positive role model that day.  Can I do better tomorrow?

And sure, I'd love to write about what runs through my mind. Except, I'm too tired from trying to put those thoughts into action each day.  So while I won't be winning any blog awards or burning up the web with millions of followers waiting with baited breath for the next installment of my life, I will stop here occasionally and write stuff down.  It might not be stuff you want to read about...but hey, it's my blog so neener, neener, neener!  If you are OK with me just blowing in every now and again and jotting something down, then I'm A-OK with you reading it every now and again.

So what have we been up too?  Well.....

Big C is now in kindergarten.  Hard to believe.  I cried on the first day of school when he climbed on the bus.  Like...ugly cried.  And I cried again on the second day too.  And...I still longingly watch the bus at it pulls away everyday.  Don't judge me.

He is also learning martial arts and he's doing really well with it.  So this happened.....

He earned his green belt the end of September.  He will be a green belt for a minimum of 4 months.  He has a lot to learn during that time.  But, I have faith in him.  I absolutely love watching him practice martial arts.  It has really helped him learn to think for himself.


Little C is in PreK.  I also cried, on the same day, just a few hours later when the bus picked her up and took her off to school.  So that is 2 ugly cries in one day for me.  Not a record, but impressive nonetheless.  I stare longingly as her bus pulls away everyday too.  She is also learning martial arts.  She isn't as excited about it as Big C, but she always has fun while she is there.  So this just happened with her........

She has now earned her Distinguished Senior stripes on her white belt.  She looks excited doesn't she?  She wasn't.  I kept telling her to smile.  That was the best she could muster.  I have a love/hate relationship with watching her during practice.  She is 4, so she is still in that rainbows, glitter, unicorns pooping skittles, twirling around and not paying attention phase.  Sometimes I'd like nothing more than to run out onto the floor and tell her to knock it off and pay attention, but of course, I can't.  So, I just cover my eyes, like I'm watching a scary movie (although I totally don't do that with movies, I love scary movies!) and peek at her through my fingers.  Sometimes, she really surprises me!


Oh yeah....this also happened...........

 No, you don't need to adjust your screen.  You don't need your glasses either.  That is K, also taking martial arts!  He decided that not only would it be fun, good to learn and benefit his health, but that now he and the kids have one more thing they can do together!  He just earned his white belt the end of November.  I am super proud of all of them!  This is my crew!  My clan!  My family! I love them!  And this is why I'm so tired!  That my friends, is the best feeling.

So how about you?  Have you thought you wished you had more time to do something, but found you were so busy living life that you just never got to it?  Were you OK with that, or were you disappointed?  Why did you feel that way?

School Days

I don't write on this blog much, so forgive the massive gaps in time.  But the whole reason I even started was to write down experiences that I have with my children and life with them.  Which is awesome.  But sometimes there are those little tidbits that I like to share with others.

Big C started Pre-K this year.  He was in the 3 year old program last year, loved it and did an amazing job.  This year, Little C is in the 3 year program.  Little C is my firecracker.  Those teachers have their work cut out for them, trust me.  She's not a bad child, but she is ornery and mischievous.  She's also loving, sweet and a just an all around gem.  Her giggles and belly laughs are simply infectious!  She does have her ways, however.

Today was Big C's 2nd day, and Little C's first day.  If you know Little C at all, you will know that she has a favorite hat.  Its a Boonie hat.  She wears it All. The. Time.  So she naturally asked me this morning if she could wear her hat to school.  I told her no.  I told her that she didn't want to make the mistake of losing it at school or getting something on it and ruining it.  She was sad but recovered quickly and went on with our morning routine.  Here she is wearing her hat.

Little C in Her Favorite Hat

After giving the kids their vitamins, doling out drinks before we leave and making sure I have all the forms to be turned in to the teacher, we head out the door.  I sweep Little C into my arms and into her car seat, fasten her in and listen to the excited chatter of both my angels as I turn the key and roll out.  I remind them of their manners and of being a good friend to the other children in their class.  We go over sharing and taking turns and to remember to listen to their teachers.  I take Big C to his class, he gives me a huge hug and kiss and scampers off into his class to play with a few of his friends from last year.  I then take Little C over to her room and before we even get there she makes a bee line for the room.  She's so excited, its really cute.  I hand the teaching assistant the forms and pop my head into the room.  Little C is sitting down at the table putting a puzzle together.  I ask her, "Hey?!  Where is my hug?!"  She jumps up, bounces over and hugs me tight before racing back to her seat and the puzzle.

I come home.  And cry.  Then I call my best friend, Cheer.  We talk about first days and how its normal to miss them and be lonely.  Because I am.  Like, really lonely.  Both of them are at school this year.  So the house is empty.  I used to at least have Little C when Big C was at school!  I chat with Cheer for a bit and before I know it, pick up time rolls around.  I can't wait.  I've missed them so much. I jump in the car and head over to the school.  I get there early.

As I pull into the lot and park, I can see the playground, but not very well.  I can make out a child in purple (pretty sure that one is mine) and watch them all playing for a few minutes.  I'm hoping mine is behaving.  I see the teachers calling the children together to cross the parking lot and walk back over to the school classrooms. I can see Mrs. S has Little C's hand as they begin to walk across the lot, but...this child is wearing a hat.  I thought to myself, 'That little stinker found a hat in the dress up bin similar to hers and adopted it as her own...man she is clever!'

After a few minutes the door unlocks and all the parents go inside to pick up their children.  I get to Little C's classroom first and her teacher calls out to her to come to the door.  Mrs. S then tells me that my daughter had a hat stuffed inside of her shirt so she let her wear it today and that it was fine if she wanted to wear her hat to school.  I looked her, pretty incredulously I might add.  But...I made her leave it home.  Just then Little C bounded out of the room, wearing her hat.  The hat I told her she couldn't take to school.  The hat she stuffed under her clothes, smuggled into school and did not pull out until she was certain I was not around.

Big C & Little C on Her 1st Day of School - With Her Hat

Imma have to watch this one! *wink*

-MoM-

I Thought I Knew

For a while there, I thought I knew who I was, what I was doing and what my goals for the future were.  I'm not so sure anymore.  I've been withdrawn lately.  Seems the only thing I really even get joy out of lately are my kids.  While often I feel like I'm on the verge of a freak out, they are still my greatest joy.  Honestly, I don't know a parent who doesn't feel like losing it sometimes.  Children are a test of patience and understanding.  But I wouldn't ever change having them.  Sometimes I wish I could grab hold of myself and yell in my own face to get myself together.  Motivation has reached almost a non-existent level while the feeling of being alone is bigger and badder than ever and stubbornly refuses to take a hike.  I feel like a stranger to myself and everyone else, well I feel like I barely even know them.  My husband, brother, Dad and even my extended family.  Why do I feel this way?  I think, I'm just tired.  Tired of always being the one to put forth the effort.  I'm really pretty much done with trying to be the best friend with the ear to bend, while so rarely I am able to bend the ear of others.  I'm tired of putting forth energy to be playful, romantic, flirtatious and fun in my relationship to have it answered with nothing at all.  And I'm tired of always being the go to girl when someone needs a favor.  My days of being a sucker have come to an end, at least for now.  I know they will return, it is just my nature I suppose.

Where does that leave me now though?  I don't know.  Floating in a sort of limbo I suppose.  Stuck in a funk I just can't seem to shake off.  At least one thing stays constant.  I'm stupid crazy about my kiddos.  Even when I want to rip every hair out of my head because the 2 yr old keeps pushing his sister and she screams if I walk away from her, even if it is a mere 3 feet and I am within sight.  I'm so thankful for my babies, because when I'm with them, I am who I really want to be.  Except when they have me tearing my hair out. :-)

-MoM-

A Beautiful Daughter Turns 1

My Little Girl so Soft and Sweet

Author: Ashley B. Schuster

My Little Girl so Soft and Sweet,
So steadily my heart does beat
With love for you like you’ll never know.
I’d give the world to watch you grow.

Snuggle closer to me still,
Even more with love my heart does fill.

How quiet and still the house is now.
It’s hard for me to imagine how
One day you won’t need me as you do now.
You’ll grow to be a strong, beautiful woman
And have children of your own.
And your sweet, innocent sounds
That made this house a home,
I will store inside my heart,
Dreading the day when we will part.

But until then you’re mine to cherish.
Memories of these moments
I will never allow to perish.

So snuggle closer to me still,
Even more with love my heart does fill,
For my little Girl so soft and sweet.

Almost To A Close

While this year has presented me with the greatest joys and deep heartache, I am thankful for them all.  It has been a long time since I've blogged.  I've been busy with my life and kids and to be perfectly honest, I've lacked the motivation.  I wish I was able to be on top of my game and hammer out a week's worth of posts over the weekend and set them to auto-publish.  But alas, it just isn't the way I do things.  I blog when I am moved to do so.  So I'll attempt to catch you up, bare bones version.  Adding details would only add to the length of a post that will be long enough already.

On September 24, 2010 my baby girl turned 6 months old.  We went to the pediatrician and got her weight and height.  She was perfect.  Right on target.  I was happy.  That evening, K got home from work and had to leave shortly after to head over to the hospital for a sleep study.  I snuggled into bed for the night.  I love K, but he can snore like no ones business.  So it was nice to have the bed to myself and enjoy a quiet, full nights sleep, provided kids didn't wake up.  At 12:27am my phone rang and it was my MIL in Oregon.  I immediately knew something was wrong as she'd never call that late.  I could also tell my her voice that she was very distraught and upset.  The words I heard over the phone will forever be ingrained into my soul..."Dad was killed in a motorcycle accident tonight."

I almost dropped the phone.  Still blurry-eyed and half asleep I stammered and stumbled over my own words, in shock and not able to even get them out right.  Sparing the details as it is still very painful to even think about, I found myself faced with having to drive to the hospital in the wee hours of the morning to tell K that his father had been killed.  How do you do that?  How do you wake him up out of a hospital test and say something like that?  I had no choice.  After driving home he booked the first flight he could get which was later that morning.  

It pained me not to go with him.  But I had the babies here and it just wasn't possible at the time for all of us to go.  I loved my FIL.  He was a wonderful man and just the nicest person I think I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.  I instantly loved him the moment I met him.  He was soft spoken, gentle, amazingly talented and the perfect Grandpa.  My son adored him.  When they were here visiting in April/May, each morning when Big C would wake up, he'd run looking for Grandpa. It breaks my heart that he and Little C will not know what an amazing man their grandfather was.  They have to miss out on him and on their grandmother, my Mom who was my absolute hero.

Part of the reason I've been absent in blogging for so long is trying to find the words to talk about something so painful.  Sometimes writing helps, and other times...you just can't find the words and have to wait until they come on their own.  Despite the unpleasant things that have happened this year, I am thankful that I still have my Dad, who turned 72 last month.  I'm also undeniably thankful that I have 2 beautiful, healthy, intelligent, happy and amazing children that I should be thanking God for, out loud each and everyday.  And though at times I forget to say my prayers and thank Him, I am eternally grateful to Him for all He has given to me.  While I mourn the loss of my dear FIL, I am also thankful to have been able to know him.  That is a blessing in itself because of the man that he was.  My life is more enriched because he was in it, even though the time was too short.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting as this year approaches it's end.  I've alot of things to think about, changes I want to make and looking for the new year to be better than the last.  I'll do my best to make it better, the rest, I'll leave up to God as He really does know best.  I'd like to leave you with a few photos of my FIL...doing what he loved and with who he loved...motorcycles and his grandkids.

George William Jones
Aug. 31, 1946 - Sept. 24, 2010

The Vulcan

Wordless Wednesday - Cuteness

Little C at 5 Months

I can hardly believe that she is 5 months old.  This update is a bit late since she turned 5 months old on the 24th.  I'll try to get her 6mo update closer to the actual date!  She is such a happy little thing.  Smiles constantly.  Day & night difference from those first 3 1/2 months.  Colic & reflux is such a bitch.  It really is.  I'm so glad it is mostly over.  We still medicate for reflux, but it is being managed really well and under control.  So without further delay, here is the update!

What she is wearing:

- 3-6 months can still wear some 0-3 but anything with feet she is busting out of...lol.

- She is wearing size 3 Luvs.
- Huge smiles on her gorgeous little face!

What she is doing:

-Getting up on hands and knees and rocking violently!

- "Talking" to us.  A lot.  She is very vocal!  Lots of coos and babbles & she can get loud too! 

- Smiling.  Big broad smiles, with and without the tongue sticking out.

- Laughing.  Every now and again I can get her going with some deep belly laughs.

- Kicking, reaching, grabbing, shaking and mouthing on everything she can get her hands on.

- Looking at the TV, watching Big C and anything near her.  Her head is on a swivel!

- Snuggling.  Moreso than before, she really likes to be held to your chest and snuggle.

- Gripping items/toys/blankets/burp cloths.

- Pulling her pacifier out of her mouth with her hand & looking at it.  This cracks me up.  She is so intent with the inspection of the paci.

What she is eating:

- Enfamil Nutramigen - 5 bottles - 7ozs. each.

- Prevacid (for reflux) - 4mls 2x daily

What she is growing:

- Finally getting some thicker eyes lashes.  Hoping she gets K's or she'll hate me.  Big C has his father's long thick lashes.

What she likes these days:

- Music -  Especially my singing, but enjoys the music channels on TV and likes the radio too.

- Books - She is very engaged with Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar .
- TV - I usually have to turn it off because she gets distracted and won't take her bottle.

- Getting raspberries on her belly.

- Playing with her feet.

- Me playing with and sniffing her feet and telling her they stink...lol.

- Shaking her rattles, toys that crinkle and jingle.

- Being carried upright since she has much better head control now.

- Still loves her swing, but starting to get bored some days.  She is ready for more action.
- Massages after bath.
- Being swaddled.  I pretty much have to swaddle her every night to get her to go to sleep in her bassinet. Way different from Big C.

What she is saying:

Babbling & cooing up a storm.  No words.

What we are working on:

- Tummy time to strengthen neck muscles.

- Rolling over strengthening back muscles.

- Sitting more upright to practice for when she tries to sit by herself.

- Rocking back & forth on knees

I Have Another Addiction

Its no secret.  If you know me you know that I have several addictions.  Some I was able to give up.  I quit smoking as soon as I learned I was pregnant with Big C and never went back.  I was never addicted to alcohol, but I did drink socially and that has stopped nearly completely.  I did have 1 glass of wine a month ago and was borderline nackered from it.  But there are those that no matter how hard I try, I'll never be able to give up.  Carbs for example.  I've tried and I've failed miserably.  There is just no way I am ever going to be willing to give up bread.  I can't do it.  Yes, I am fluffy.  And if being thin means having to give up bread....forget it.  I'll stay that way.  My kids.  I'm hopelessly addicted to them and I never want that to change.

When I was younger though.  I was addicted to reading.  I loved it.  I was a voracious reader.  Then, I don't really know what happened.  I began slowing down.  Honestly I think the computer began taking up more of my reading time and then I just kinda stopped altogether.  Maybe I would read 1 book a year.  When I was usually reading 1-3 a week  I found myself lately really missing it.  I've yearned to read again.  But I just never seemed to find the time.  I mean, have you ever tried to read a book and bottle feed at the same time?  It is virtually impossible.  You just can't hold the book open and do that.

So here is where I will sing the praises of my husband and gush about how I love him.  For our anniversary, he bought us both Motorola Droid phones.  I think I died and went to heaven.  I wondered how I kept my sanity without it!  The apps are amazing and help me keep organized.  From the Baby ESP application, to the Jorte to keep all my appointments at my fingertips to the grocery list my K and I can share.  This thing rocks!  But then, then I found out that I can read books on it.  Are you freaking kidding me?  I can read a book on this thing?  Like, really?!

Oh yes!  I love, love, love it!  I don't have to fumble with the pages of a book trying to hold it open and do other things.  I can stand at the stove stirring and cooking dinner and read at the same time!  I can bottle feed the baby at 4am and read because I can set it down and not worry about pages closing.  I never have to *remember* to bring a book with me to the doctor's office....it's right on my phone!  In the last 2 weeks I've been able to read 3 books!   I'm on the second book of the Twilight series....and before you snort about that, the books are really good so far. 

I am so excited to be able to read again.  And I honestly thing it has made me happier.  It has been really good for my PPD too.  It gives me a few minutes to myself that I need.  Even if I read for only 5 minutes in between tasks, just those few minutes help me get centered and reduce my anxiousness to a level I can easily deal with.  I have been even more attentive with the kids and I have been enjoying them more than ever.  I cannot count how many times I've looked at them both and felt my heart swell and nearly burst out of my chest with love for them.  They are amazing.  I always knew they were, but now I am keenly aware of just how blessed I am and I'm able to live much more int he moment with them.  Who would have thought that being able to take some time to myself reading for just a few minutes at a time could create such a wonderful, positive change.  The kids are feeling it too.  Big C and Little C both even seem more at ease, easier to put to bed/naps and they both just seem happier because I am happier.

K, I really love you for helping my get some of my life back.  Even though you didn't realize you were doing it, you did.  I'm so glad you are mine! I love you!

What helps you live more in the moment?  What do you do to give yourself some *me* time?

-MoM-

Scattered

The last few weeks have been a blur. So many things have happened & I just haven't had the time to write like I'd like. I haven't abandoned the blog. But I really missed the kids this last 2 weeks. Even though I was with them it feels like I wasn't. I'll explain it later, I know it doesn't make much sense. But I am so glad I have them. I took this last week to just bathe myself in their hugs, kisses and snuggles. Enjoying the smiles, giggles and quirks that I so adore.

Poop, It Happens at 5AM

Note:  If talk of poop, baby poop, color & texture of poop & the act of babies pooping grosses you out, then FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS CUTE CHUBBY & ROUND (like me) don't read any further!  Or is that farther?  Meh, who cares?  You can just stop here.

I love my daughter.  Everything about her. She is cute, cuddly and finally happier!  We've gotten past those days of pesky gas & colic.  Well, the formula change gets the credit there.  But she is pleasant again!  Like the first few days after she was born, only better now because she smiles, laughs and plays back.

Not only has the formula change made her a much happier camper, it also corrected her constipation troubles.  When the pediatrician told me, "I've never seen a baby on this formula with anything other than soft stools" I was a bit skeptical.  And this is why I'm not a pediatrician with my own practice.  In the height of her colic/gas & constipation her poop was kinda light greenish and super firm.  After the change over to Nutramigen it usually looks like scrambled eggs in her diaper.  That is the best way I can describe it.  If I ruined you fondness for eggs, I'm not sorry because I really can't eat them cause they make me doubled over in pain.  If I can't have them, then you should at least have to think of poop when you have them!

OK, now to be completely graphic & gross.  If you see her actually doing the deed, which it's happened a few times, this poop is best described as juicy.  Did I do it again?  Ruin something else this time?  Sorry.  :p  Since the absorbency of the diaper just zaps up the liquid, it leaves just the eggy stuff behind.  She is very explosive & generous with the quantity.  The girl still has wicked gas, just not the "I'll scream until you shoot your face off with a bazooka to stop your ears from bleeding" kind.  So to review, Little C's poops are large, loud, explosive, juicy then eggy.

Fast forward to 5am Thursday morning.  I am so tired.  K already left for work at 4am.  Little C is fussing and rolling all over her pack & play bassinet.  I peel my eyeballs open and sit on the edge of the bed blinking furiously to try to get them to work.  They hurt too.  But only when they are open.  I stand up & sit right back down because, well, I kinda fell back down, but whatev.  I stand up again, slower this time and make my way to the dresser where I stash some bottles, water & formula.  I mix her up a 6 ouncer and pick the cuteness that is my Little C up and go sit on the bed with her and she drinks.

Her beautiful little eyes look up at me while she drinks and they flutter a little bit.  As tired as I am, I wouldn't ever give up those moments of *girl talk* we share in the wee hours of morning.  I burp her, kiss her, snuggle her...man I love this mommy gig.  I then lay her down to change her.  We play "stinky feet" and I strip her diaper off & wipe her down with a wipe.  I have her cute little ankles in my hand and as I'm lifting her up to slip the fresh clean diaper under her, she sneezes.  She has the cutest sneezes by the way.  Her sneeze was so forceful though that it also caused her to fart at the same time.  I wouldn't know anything about that ::side eyes:: but I'm sure its happened to you too.  Apparently the sneeze was so forceful it not only cause her to fart, but to also shoot a pile of juicy poop out onto my bed.  She looked up at me and smiled.  A huge, cheesy, gummy grin.  Then squirted out more while I just sat there holding her feet & looking on in horror.

I froze.  Then I almost cried because it was 5am.  Then I just laughed.  So hard I nearly woke up Big C.  I'm not sure if I just temporarily lost my marbles, or if it was that grin on her face when she let loose the second half, or of it was the sneeze, then fart then explosion, but I just couldn't help myself.  I didn't really feel like stripping the bed at 5am, but this kid is so darn cute, the laugh was worth it.  It may sound silly too, but I thought I would have gotten mad, not at her, but at myself for not being more careful.  And I didn't!  Which is progress for me on the PPD front.

I cleaned up my snuggle bunny, wrapped her up in a snuggly swaddler and put her back to bed, then proceeded to clean up the mess.  By the way, the Oxyclean stain spay...AHHHmazing!  My mattress looks like nothing ever happened!  Anywho, I think I can say that motherhood has made me insane.  And ya know, I kinda like it. ;)  What disaster has your little one done that made you laugh instead of cry when you clearly could have?

Little C at 4 Months

So I was reading over at I Can Grow People, which I love by the way and saw that Lori is doing monthly updates with her adorable little one.  I thought this was so cool!  So I wanted to start doing them.  I'm not sure I'll be able to do them monthly, but at least I'll be able to do some of the milestone ones!  So, Little C just turned 4 months old!  Pediatrician appointment and vaccines are scheduled.  So here is Little C's 4 Month Update!

I do want to start off by saying that the gas & colic issues are much better since the introduction of Nutramigen formula and Prevacid.  Seriously she is like a new baby.  Still pretty sensitive & somewhat of a Mommy's girl.  She doesn't like when I walk away from her.  But she is beginning to not like anyone talking to her, then walking away.  I think she feels insulted.  She is eating like a horse right now.  Waking up for a 4am feeding, which I thought we had done away with, but she wanted it back, so up I get.  But it's OK...I enjoy our middle of the night girl talks!

What she is wearing:

- Most things at 0-3 months & she still has plenty of room in them for right now.

- She is wearing size 2 Luvs.
- Bibs.  We go through several a day not only from the reflux, but she is a serious drooler now.  I see a tooth in our immediate future.

What she is doing:

- Rolling over!  Both ways & to the left & the right!

- "Talking" to us.  A lot.  She is very vocal!  Lots of coos and babbles & she can get loud too! 

- Smiling.  Big broad smiles, with and without the tongue sticking out.

- Laughing.  Every now and again I can get her going with some deep belly laughs.

- Kicking.  Like a wild woman!  She is batting quite a bit too.

- Demanding attention.  I feel the Dog & Pony Show days approaching!

- Snuggling.  Moreso than before, she really likes to be held to your chest and snuggle.

- Gripping items/toys/blankets/burp cloths.

- Pulling her pacifier out of her mouth with her hand & looking at it.  This cracks me up.  She is so intent with the inspection of the paci.

What she is eating:

- Enfamil Nutramigen - 6 bottles - 5-6ozs. each.

What she is growing:

- She is getting very loooong!  And she's getting more hair...kinda sorta.  Its hard to explain...lol.

What she likes these days:

- Music -  Especially my singing, but enjoys the music channels on TV and likes the radio too.

- Books - She is very engaged with Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar .
- TV - I rarely let her watch television, but she enjoys some of the  Baby Genius shows on our cable On Demand.  J was sitting with her the other night and she was quite engaged in watching Monsters Inside Me with him.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.

- Getting raspberries on her belly.

- Playing with her feet.

- Telling her she has a stinky hiney...hey, as long as she thinks its funny.

- Being carried upright since she has much better head control now.

- Still loves her swing, but starting to get bored some days.  She is ready for more action.
- Massages after bath.
- Being swaddled.  I pretty much have to swaddle her every night to get her to go to sleep in her bassinet. Way different from Big C.

What she is saying:

Babbling & cooing up a storm.  No words.

What we are working on:

- Tummy time to strengthen neck muscles.

- Rolling over strengthening back muscles.

- Sitting more upright to practice for when she tries to sit by herself.

Wordless Wednesday - Because Blankies Are Nom

A Letter To God

Dear Lord,

It's me, Stacey.  I know we haven't talked in while and I'm really sorry about that.  I've had a lot on my mind lately.  Well, I guess you already know that, huh?  I have something important I want to talk to you about.  You know how most nights, but not every night, like I wish I did, I thank you for my family, my babies and every wonderful thing that you have blessed me with?  Then how I follow that up with asking you to help me be a good mom, and to keep my babies safe, healthy and alive, and the same for K, J & Dad?  And I will also pray for other folks who's blogs, or tweets or Face book entries I've read who are having a tough time and could really use a little extra attention from you.  Well, I want to do something in addition to that today.

I want you to never let me forget how fortunate and blessed I am to have Big C & Little C in my life.  I waited a long time for them, true.  But you did give them to me.  In your time.  In dealing with my postpartum depression/anxiety I experience a tremendous amount of guilt after I "lose it" and have time to reflect on how I behaved.  God, I need your help with this.  I need strength to get through it.  I know you will hold my hand and walk me out of the woods of PPD.  But just in case I forgot to tell you, I need your help.  I keep thinking that this is something I should do on my own.  I know, silly.  The Bible tells us:

"Cast your cares on the LORD 
and he will sustain you;
he will never let the righteous fall." --Psalm 55:22

 So, here they are Lord.  I'm giving you everything I've got.  I will continue to ask you to keep my children healthy, safe and alive.  And the same for K & my family.  I will continue to ask you to give comfort, hope, justice and grace to those I know personally & those I know by screen name only.  I will ask you to hold all of us close to your heart, even though I know you already do.

Before I go, I want to thank you for something else.  The bad things that have happened.  Sure I would have rather they not, but I understand that it wasn't something you did.  It wasn't something you let happen.  It just did.  The important thing was that you were there to pick up the pieces afterward.  You gave me strength when I was weak.  You showed me that you have a plan for me and even though bad things might happen, you still love me and that your plan will take shape no matter what.  You have taught me that good things can come from tragedy.  You have taught me that if I put my faith & trust in you, all things are possible.  Especially when I myself had given up hope.

Thank you, Lord.  For never forsaking me.  For never giving up on me, even though at one time, I gave up on you.  Thank you for loving me as only a Father (or Mother) can love their child.  Completely, unconditionally and infinitely.  Never let me forget Lord, what a blessing my children are and how thankful I am you have let me borrow them from you during my time here on Earth.  I love you.

Faithfully,

S

What Do You Want From Me?

I'm disappointed.  I feel failed.  I know that medication is not a cure for postpartum depression/anxiety.  But I guess I did think it was going to make me "all better" and I would be fine as long as I was taking it.  Yeah, that is totally not what happens.  When I had my medication adjusted a few weeks ago, I had a few bad days.  I was irritable, snappy and I was just in a funk.  It really sucked.  After about 4 days, things were beginning to even out and I was actually enjoying some of the manic episodes.  I was super mom!  Cooking, cleaning, tending to the kids.  There was not a crying child all day because I had attended to every need and was a flipping June Cleaver on speed.  Everything was GREAT!  Until yesterday.

The day started out fine enough.  But I was slightly agitated and I assumed it was because of Big C coming down with a 103* temperature the night before.  This child is 18 months old and has never had a fever higher than 99 and that was only when he got his vaccines.  I know I have 2 babies, but I am still a new Mommy.  Only been one for 18 months and I have a lot to learn and many things I've yet to experience.  I was ready to race him to the ER because I was afraid if it went higher his brain was going to fry.  I might have been somewhat melodramatic but he is my baby!  So don't judge me!

I took Big C to the pediatrician yesterday morning.  After speaking to him the night before and determining it appeared as though it wasn't life-threatening, he asked me to bring him in the next morning.  Everything went well while we were there.  It was even fine after we got home.  But as the day wore on, I found myself getting frustrated and then the moodiness set in.  Let me give you some advice, when this happens, if you have someone else around to take care of your children, let them do it. 

I should probably also tell you that Little C has had two incidences of diarrhea.  They have been isolated and no fever for her.  But she is 3 months old, Big C does have a fever with no other symptoms, so it makes me nervous.  Their issues are probably unrelated since the symptoms are different, but who knows?  I'm thinking this was a trigger for me.  I am naturally a little neurotic, especially when it comes to my kids.  The fact that I am agitated also doesn't help the kids.  They can easily pick up on things like that.  Add to that a cranky toddler with a fever and a fussy newborn with acid reflux, gas pains from diarrhea and an appetite like a bear after waking from a 4 hour nap and you have a very ugly situation about to explode.

I don't even want to recount this because it hurts.  I'm still feeling horrible about it.  Little C was super fussy and literally screaming like a crazy child.  I could hear her swallowing huge gulps of air as she screamed.  I had already fed her about an hour prior.  Had just changed her diaper when she began to fuss.  But it went from mild fussing to full out hysterics in 2 seconds flat.  I didn't know what to do.  I had already fed her, she burped 4 times, I changed her diaper, I rocked her, shushed her, checked her temperature just to make sure she didn't have a fever, rocked her some more and she JUST. KEPT. SCREAMING.

Then I felt it, hot tears welling up and I quickly laid her on the bed.  Was she still hungry?  She just drank 5 ounces and that is normally her limit.  I'll make her some more anyway.  I jumped off the bed and began mixing up a bottle.  I just couldn't make it fast enough.  She just starting screaming like someone was hurting her, killing her.  I then began screaming.  Yelling at her to "just wait a minute I'm going as fast as I can" but she continued to scream and scream and scream.  The bottle was made and I raced over to the bed, snatched her up and shoved the nipple in her mouth.  And....she screamed.  AND SCREAMED AND SCREAMED.  Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore.  I yelled out for K to come help me.  He came in and I gave her to him and told him to walk with her and try to get her under control.

He walked her up and down the hallway and after a few moments she began to quiet.  I could hear her sniffling, sucking in sharp gulps of air as she settled down.  I just sat on the bed, put my head in my hands and I cried.  Silently, shamefully.  I yelled at my baby...again.  I thought the medicine was supposed to stop that?  I thought I wasn't going to flip out and fly off the handle anymore?  What happened?  What do I need to do to get this to stop?  Goddamn it PPD...WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?  I hate this and I hate you!  You are stealing me away from my children.  I'm afraid of causing psychological damage to both of them when I flip out and yell.  I just want to be like everyone else, you know?  Not irritable, frustrated, moody, angry, paranoid, neurotic, over protective, obsessive compulsive, anxiety ridden, self-loathing, guilt-ridden and feeling like a failure.  I am not like this all the time.  But I don't want to be like this at all.

K brought her back into the bedroom and handed her to me.  She looked up at me with red-rimmed eyes, wet and glassy from crying.  Her little nose running a bit and her face flushed from crying.  I offered her the bottle and she took it without protest.  I looked into those beautiful little brown eyes and I told her I was sorry.  That I am a horrible mother and that I wish I could take it back, wished I could be a better mother.  And then I cried sobbed.  Body rocking, deep sobbing.  So much and so hard that my head began to hurt.  None of this was her fault.  It is mine.  I need to get control of myself.  I can't do it alone.  I can't expect medication to do it alone either.  I know this is going to take time, but that is something I feel like I never have enough of these days.  I'll be talking to my doctor again and maybe it is time that I look into finding a postpartum group or therapist.  Right now, I'm willing to take all the help I can get if it means my recovery will be faster and complete.

Wordless Wednesday - Siblings

Hope Floats

~ Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again ~ Sarah  Ban Breathnach

We say it a lot.  "I hope..." has been at the beginning of many sentences for me throughout the years.  But I'm not sure I really understood what "Hope" meant.  I can look it up in the dictionary and get the definition.  But that isn't what I'm talking about.  Hope can be many different things to many different people.  Some use the term loosely while others take much caution.

When we are young, it normally takes the form of a wish.  A deep desire to "have" something.  For a child, it might be a special toy.  To the teenager, the affections of a secret crush.  As we get older though and we have experienced life, many of us come to realize that even though we have our own free will, that God has a plan for each and every one of us.  If it is His will, then it shall be done.  No matter how much we hope for a different outcome.  But being an adult, we also begin to rely more on our faith, than on our hope.  We have faith that God will provide and take care of us because we know he will, we don't have to wish for it.  

But hope isn't just a wish and it isn't just faith.  It is a combination of both.  It is something that drives us to continue to have faith to continue the fight to make that wish a reality.  

~When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."~

This lead me to examine what it is that gives me hope?  That list could be endless.  When my babies smile at me, it gives me hope that someday they will know how much I love them.  On days when I feel inadequate, like I could be so much better than I am, hope tells me that tomorrow will be better, if I fight hard enough for it.  Hope is the contented sigh of Little C, as she snuggles deeper into my neck at 4am after I've finished feeding her.  It tells me that she feels safe with me, she trusts me and that she loves me.  Sometimes, it is the wet, sloppy kisses from Big C, when I don't even ask for them.

My hope is that I overcome postpartum depression.  My wish is that my children never feel its effects.  I have faith in God that it won't.

What is it for you?

Wordless Wednesday - The Tortoise & The Little C

Wordless Wednesday - First Smiles

Little C's Birth Story

I know it's been 12 weeks since Little C was born.  But I've been dealing with a lot of things in the last few months and so I haven't really had the motivation to write it down here until now.  If you've followed my blog at all you will know that we had a c-section scheduled for March 24th.  I'm not going to get into a debate as to whether it was necessary or not.  I have a happy, healthy baby.  That is all that matters to me.  My c-section experiences were wonderful and my recovery was crazy fast.  I healed beautifully the first time and this time I healed just as nicely.  Again, if you've followed my blog at all, you'd know how I felt about c-section versus the VBAC.


K and I decided to bank our baby's cord blood stem cells this time around.  Some people felt we were silly and that it is a waste of money.  Well, that is okay.  It isn't your baby and it isn't your decision and you are entitled to your opinion.  K and I have decided that this is what is best for our family.  We felt it was like life insurance.  Hope you don't need it in your 30's, but glad you do if something happens so your family will not have to take on the burden of such a huge expense.

Wednesday morning, March 24th at 5:30am we arrived at the hospital.  My husband was with me of course, as was Big C, my dad and my brother.  My cousin Ashley arrived a bit later, while we were in the OR.  After checking in and verifying all my pre-registration information, I was taken to a triage room and prepped for my c-section.  IV was started, and my blood was drawn for the maternal draw for the cord blood collection.  After a few minutes my doctor and the anesthesiologist came in to see me and we went over the details of what was going to happen.

After the usual chit chat, it was time to get the show on the road.  I slid out of my bed and kissed my Dad & brother and took my darling boy into my arms and I hugged him and kissed him and told him that I loved him.  It was different this time.  I was excited to see this baby that I have been growing for 40 weeks.  But I was scared.  Scared that I would be leaving my son without his mother if something went wrong.  Its funny how children change your outlook on things.  I slowly began my trek down the hallway to the c-section OR.  A nurse beside me pushing my IV pole, I waddled steadily, my husband walking beside me.

Thoughts began flooding my brain.  Will the spinal go OK?  Will the baby be OK?  Is it a boy or a girl?  Crap, we still haven't decided on a name yet!  OMG...this is really happening now.  Jesus, how did this day come so fast already?  Wait...I don't think I can feel the baby moving anymore.  Oh God, please let this go well and fast!  I want to hold my baby and know it is OK.  I hope Big C is behaving with Dad & J.  OMG...will there be the burning at the incision like it was last time?  Man, that sucked!  Will the cord blood collection go right?  I don't want it to be contaminated and useless.  Did I bring everything?   Please, please PLEASE God keep us safe and healthy.

Yeah....all those thoughts weren't helping keep me relaxed.  In fact, it was giving me more anxiety than I think I had ever experienced.  I felt my chest begin to tighten.  When we arrived at the doors to the OR...I kissed my husband and walked inside as he sat down in the chair outside the door and waited for the spinal to be done.  I sat on the table and the nurse smiled at me.  I remembered her from my last c-section.  She was the one who gave Big C his first bath.

The nurse told me to lean into her and to relax.  I felt the anesthesiologist swab my back and begin poking at my spine.  A few moments later he told me about the sting I would feel...and I did.  No big deal.  So he inserted the needle into my back, searching for the epidural space to inject the fluid that was going to numb my body from the waste down.  My chest is continuing to tighten.  The nurse squeezes my shoulders and tells me to relax again.  I take a deep breath.  I can hear the doctor behind me making sounds as he is trying to hit his mark.  And they don't sound promising.  Beads of sweat being form along my forehead and my legs and back are beginning to ache.  I feel the pinch of a needle pushing into my skin and I wince, but don't dare move.  The nurse again tells me to relax and that everything is going to be OK.  Another pinch.  I feel it 4 more times, but I don't say anything.  I just want this over with.  I see both my OBs standing there...waiting.  The anesthesiologist asks one of the nurses is Dr. So-and-so is in the hospital and can he come down to the OR and give him a hand.  My mind begins racing.  My chest tightens even more now.  OMG...if they can't get this spinal they are going to have to put me under.  No...no, no, no.  I want to hear my baby cry.  I want to know everything is alright right away.  This can't happen like this.  I feel another pinch and then the exasperated breath of the anesthesiologist as he apparently misses his mark...again.

After a few minutes the other doctor walks thorough the double doors.  After some discussion, he comes over and begins pressing on my back.  I'm sweating pretty hard now and the nurse is rubbing my shoulders and telling me things are going to be fine.  Yeah...sure...they haven't been so far.  I feel another pinch, this time from the other doctor.  I wince a little and a few seconds later I feel what resembles an electric shock shoot down my left leg.  I stammer out, "I felt that" and they ask me in which leg and I tell them.  Phew.  Finally, its in.  Egads where the hell was this doctor before?  I didn't have this much trouble with my first child.  This took 30 minutes.  30 freaking minutes!!!  My heart is pounding, my chest is tight and I'm sweating bullets.

They help me to lay down and swing my legs up onto the table before I go completely numb.  Suddenly, I can't breathe.  Not that I can't feel it...but I start having an anxiety attack.  My arms have been strapped down to the table and my neck is hurting.  I can't move to rearrange myself.  I need to move.  OMG...I can't stay like this.  So I tell them that I feel like I can't breathe, my neck hurts....I can't move...I need to move.  I get a bit phobic when I feel trapped.  I start shaking and crying, which only leads to the tightening in my chest and now I am hyperventilating.  The anesthesiologist tries to calm me and tells me he is going to give me something.  One of my OBs rubs my shoulder and tells me I'm feeling like I can't breathe because the baby is squishing my diaphram because I'm now laying flat and that I'll be fine as soon as the baby is out.

I am still crying and all I can say over and over is I'm sorry, I'm so sorry but I can't help it.  Please, I'm so so sorry.  They assure me that it is normal and that before I know it the baby will be out and everything will be fine.  Soon I begin to feel my chest relax, my neck stops hurting and although I still feel like I can't breathe well, I am calming down.  I close my eyes and just keep telling myself that soon I'm going to see my sweet, darling baby.  Just a few more minutes and then I'll be so excited about the baby I'll forget about everything else.  The sedative the doc had given me was kicking in.  They finally brought K into the room while they finished prepping me for surgery.  He held my hand, and kissed my forehead.  I told him how I freaked out.  He told me he knew...he could hear it from outside.  Damn.  Now I felt really stupid too.  Stupid for freaking out like I did.  I looked at him and I asked him to just keep talking to me so I didn't start thinking about a million things.

So what is the first thing he says?  "Have you decided on a  name yet?"  I laughed a little.  That is what happens when you wait until 2 weeks before your due date to decide on names for your baby.  You are laying on the table and waiting for your baby to be yanked out, or you are bent over pushing your little bowling ball out while trying to decide on what to call him or her.  Everything went pretty quickly from there.  Before I knew it, I felt some tugging and I was being rocked back and forth a bit.  I heard the sound of the big suction, some soft murmurings of the doctors and the sound of a bulb syringe.  And then it happened.  The most beautiful sound a mother can hear.  The sound of her baby taking that first breath of life outside her womb and then crying.  I was so overcome that I began sobbing like a crazy woman and asking if the baby was OK.  The doctor poked the baby's head over the big blue drape and I laughed and cried at the same time.  Various voices were speaking all at the same time saying the baby was fine and how cute and what a beautiful baby and of course, Happy Birthday!

If you've followed my blog during my pregnancy, you will know that we did not find out the sex of our baby this time around.  We tried in the beginning, but it was hard with a fetus who was camera shy.  K and I were so excited and happy at hearing the baby cry and seeing 10 little fingers and toes that neither of us even bothered to ask the sex.  The doctors were murmuring once again about blood bags and the cord blood collection kit.  They were in the midst of collecting the blood when a nurse came over and asked, "Did anyone tell you what the sex is yet?"  I looked at her and shook my head no.  They carried the baby over to be examined.  The nurse leaned down and she said to me, "It's a beautiful little girl."  At that I fell apart again and cried.  I really didn't care what sex the baby was, I just wanted a healthy baby.  But a girl.  A girl!  I had a boy and now...I had a girl!

I'd like to tell you that instantly I knew what I was going to name her.  But, I didn't.  I had names narrowed down to 2 for a girl and 2 for a boy.  I knew I was going to name her after my mother.  We had it narrowed down to 2 choices.  Later that day it was pretty clear that she was going to be Little C.  My beautiful Little C.  Once we rolled into recovery the first person I wanted to see was Big C, but they wouldn't let him come back.  But my brother and father did come back and each assured me he was doing fine, although tired and starting to get cranky.  That's my boy!

I looked at my husband and I said to him, "We have a daughter."  A daughter.  I now have a son and a daughter.  I thanked God for the beautiful, healthy and amazing children he has blessed me with.  I try to thank him everyday.  I pray that he reminds me just how special I am to have them, how precious they are and to never once take them for granted.

On a side note, the incision did not burn like it did the first time.  In fact, the second c-section was considerably easier than the first.  I wasn't ready to go out and boogie across town or anything, but I had Little C on Wednesday and they told me the earliest I could go home was Friday.  So I did.  I even drove home.  Unfortunately, my first outing, other than taking Little C to the pediatrician was when she was 7 days old to my Uncle's viewing and funeral.  It was pretty much life as usual, except I couldn't pick Big C up...because he weighed like 30 pounds!

So that is it really, in a nutshell.  Little C was born healthy and is amazingly beautiful.  There were a few snags this time, which I really could have done without.  But the ends have justified the means.  I have a beautiful healthy daughter.  She was worth every second of it all.

I Blinked

And I honestly think I missed about 4 days.  WTH?  I know I took Little C in for her 2 month check up on Monday and she is 12 lbs.  TWELVE POUNDS people!!!  My baby...my little newborn is a whopping 12 pounds.  So much has happened this week and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all.  I almost feel like I am buzzing, if that makes any sense at all.  Almost like I can't turn off.  But I am...I think.  Although I am waking up dogass tired in the morning.  But, I do have a baby...with colic...and reflux....so...yeah. 

I had to have Martha, my bulldog euthanized yesterday.  I spoke in a previous post about her lymphoma diagnosis.  It progressed faster than expected.  It broke my heart to let her go, although just by looking at her I knew she had a few days, if that.  She crashed from a chemo treatment and although she was recovering from that, the cancer was getting out of control and quickly.  It has been 3 weeks since her diagnosis.  I pray that if I succumb to that disease I go as quickly.  Such a horrific disease that knows no boundries and doesn't discriminate.  After being on medication for my PPD for the last 3.5 weeks I am feeling a bit better, but some things bother me.  Like feeling incredibly sad at the loss of my dear sweet Martha, but not being able to *cry* for her.  I suppose it will take another few weeks for the medication to adjust fully.  Its little things like that, that will take some getting used to.  Otherwise, I am better.  Not nearly as irritable or weepy.  Don't get me wrong, I have my moments...they just seems to be less frequent.  And that I am happy about.

This long weekend is almost over and I don't know where it went or what the heck I spent it doing, other than the obvious. ::points to above paragraph::  I'm disappointed because I felt like I have had no time with my hubs this weekend or the kiddos.  And I still have quite a few other irons in the fire.  BTW, I'm working on several other posts if y'all are interested.  One is Little C's birth story and the other is about K and I and our beginning.  It is taking me a while because I need to dig up some pictures and stuff for the posts.  But stay tuned...that is if you wanna know about it.  Anyway.  I gotta go do some stuff.  I can't sit around for too long today.  Too much to do and not enough time to do it.  Story of my life!