What Do You Want From Me?

I'm disappointed.  I feel failed.  I know that medication is not a cure for postpartum depression/anxiety.  But I guess I did think it was going to make me "all better" and I would be fine as long as I was taking it.  Yeah, that is totally not what happens.  When I had my medication adjusted a few weeks ago, I had a few bad days.  I was irritable, snappy and I was just in a funk.  It really sucked.  After about 4 days, things were beginning to even out and I was actually enjoying some of the manic episodes.  I was super mom!  Cooking, cleaning, tending to the kids.  There was not a crying child all day because I had attended to every need and was a flipping June Cleaver on speed.  Everything was GREAT!  Until yesterday.

The day started out fine enough.  But I was slightly agitated and I assumed it was because of Big C coming down with a 103* temperature the night before.  This child is 18 months old and has never had a fever higher than 99 and that was only when he got his vaccines.  I know I have 2 babies, but I am still a new Mommy.  Only been one for 18 months and I have a lot to learn and many things I've yet to experience.  I was ready to race him to the ER because I was afraid if it went higher his brain was going to fry.  I might have been somewhat melodramatic but he is my baby!  So don't judge me!

I took Big C to the pediatrician yesterday morning.  After speaking to him the night before and determining it appeared as though it wasn't life-threatening, he asked me to bring him in the next morning.  Everything went well while we were there.  It was even fine after we got home.  But as the day wore on, I found myself getting frustrated and then the moodiness set in.  Let me give you some advice, when this happens, if you have someone else around to take care of your children, let them do it. 

I should probably also tell you that Little C has had two incidences of diarrhea.  They have been isolated and no fever for her.  But she is 3 months old, Big C does have a fever with no other symptoms, so it makes me nervous.  Their issues are probably unrelated since the symptoms are different, but who knows?  I'm thinking this was a trigger for me.  I am naturally a little neurotic, especially when it comes to my kids.  The fact that I am agitated also doesn't help the kids.  They can easily pick up on things like that.  Add to that a cranky toddler with a fever and a fussy newborn with acid reflux, gas pains from diarrhea and an appetite like a bear after waking from a 4 hour nap and you have a very ugly situation about to explode.

I don't even want to recount this because it hurts.  I'm still feeling horrible about it.  Little C was super fussy and literally screaming like a crazy child.  I could hear her swallowing huge gulps of air as she screamed.  I had already fed her about an hour prior.  Had just changed her diaper when she began to fuss.  But it went from mild fussing to full out hysterics in 2 seconds flat.  I didn't know what to do.  I had already fed her, she burped 4 times, I changed her diaper, I rocked her, shushed her, checked her temperature just to make sure she didn't have a fever, rocked her some more and she JUST. KEPT. SCREAMING.

Then I felt it, hot tears welling up and I quickly laid her on the bed.  Was she still hungry?  She just drank 5 ounces and that is normally her limit.  I'll make her some more anyway.  I jumped off the bed and began mixing up a bottle.  I just couldn't make it fast enough.  She just starting screaming like someone was hurting her, killing her.  I then began screaming.  Yelling at her to "just wait a minute I'm going as fast as I can" but she continued to scream and scream and scream.  The bottle was made and I raced over to the bed, snatched her up and shoved the nipple in her mouth.  And....she screamed.  AND SCREAMED AND SCREAMED.  Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore.  I yelled out for K to come help me.  He came in and I gave her to him and told him to walk with her and try to get her under control.

He walked her up and down the hallway and after a few moments she began to quiet.  I could hear her sniffling, sucking in sharp gulps of air as she settled down.  I just sat on the bed, put my head in my hands and I cried.  Silently, shamefully.  I yelled at my baby...again.  I thought the medicine was supposed to stop that?  I thought I wasn't going to flip out and fly off the handle anymore?  What happened?  What do I need to do to get this to stop?  Goddamn it PPD...WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?  I hate this and I hate you!  You are stealing me away from my children.  I'm afraid of causing psychological damage to both of them when I flip out and yell.  I just want to be like everyone else, you know?  Not irritable, frustrated, moody, angry, paranoid, neurotic, over protective, obsessive compulsive, anxiety ridden, self-loathing, guilt-ridden and feeling like a failure.  I am not like this all the time.  But I don't want to be like this at all.

K brought her back into the bedroom and handed her to me.  She looked up at me with red-rimmed eyes, wet and glassy from crying.  Her little nose running a bit and her face flushed from crying.  I offered her the bottle and she took it without protest.  I looked into those beautiful little brown eyes and I told her I was sorry.  That I am a horrible mother and that I wish I could take it back, wished I could be a better mother.  And then I cried sobbed.  Body rocking, deep sobbing.  So much and so hard that my head began to hurt.  None of this was her fault.  It is mine.  I need to get control of myself.  I can't do it alone.  I can't expect medication to do it alone either.  I know this is going to take time, but that is something I feel like I never have enough of these days.  I'll be talking to my doctor again and maybe it is time that I look into finding a postpartum group or therapist.  Right now, I'm willing to take all the help I can get if it means my recovery will be faster and complete.

Brain-Fried

Little C has been screaming and crying all day.  Her reflux doesn't seem to be better with Zantac, so I'm going to ask the pedi about a possible medication change when I take her for her 2 month check up.  Big C was up all night screaming and crying.  The good news is that he is finally beginning to respect my authority....a little.  Normally when I correct him he giggles and laughs and continues to do it.  I cannot tell you how much of a relief his listening to me, on some level anyway, is while Little C is going through her colic issues.  That being said, it seems he has his own set of issues...mainly neediness.  And I'm sure it is to get attention away from her.  So at the moment they are both screaming at me in stereo, despite being fed, changed, burped and a 3 hours nap.  Now, if I can just keep sane throughout this, we'll be in business.  Now, where are those ear plugs again?

-MoM-

Teething Troubles or Something More?

Heck if I know.  But it's quarter after 9 at night and he was blissfully asleep at 8:30.  Awake now and I heard K go in to hush him back to sleep.  He's been miserable ALL day.  I don't mean cranky...I mean downright pissed at the world.  Refusing to eat, throwing things around and it seemed that no one could make him happy.  Secretly that last part kinda made me feel good, but just a smidge because lately it seems as though he views me as Mommy Dearest and prefers everyone else in the world to me.

Good news is he has his 1 year check up scheduled.  Bad news is it's next Monday.  If it's just a teething issue, I'm fine to sort it out and deal with it.  I'm a little weary of an ear infection.  He does touch the sides of his head, but not really tugging at ears and there is no fever...for now.  I don't want to freak out, so I'm leaning toward teething.  He has had 8 teeth since about August/September.  The first molar showed up last month and has broken through about half way.  It could be that one too I guess.  He refuses to let me anywhere near his mouth.  Whether it's because his mouth hurts or he's just so pissed about something he doesn't want to be mucked around with...I cannot say.

Honestly, I just want my kid to feel better.  I really don't like abhor not being able to soothe him.  It totally makes me feel like a big, fat failure.  Add to that my already feeling *put out* by the fact that his father, grandfather and uncle can do no wrong and are completely worthy of picking him up and snuggling while I am not and you have The Sourpuss Complex.  What?  I'm adult enough to admit it.  So, it might be a phase, doesn't mean I have to enjoy it.  I am happy that he is bonding with his father.  No easy feat mind you when Daddy is gone 14.5 hours a day due to work/commuting.  That part does thrill me.  Plus my husband gets the interaction with him that he wants, craves and rightly deserves from his son.  Win/win on that one.

I am completely thankful that my husband is off tomorrow for MLK's birthday.  I've been missing him a lot.  I treasure our weekends together.  Even if it is filled with laundry, running errands, grocery shopping and cramming everything you can't do during the week because he gets home @ 7:30 pm.  We haven't had a day to ourselves since before Big C was born.  With the exception of going to my high school reunion back in July.  But that was hardly a chance for he and I to spend alone time together in order to reconnect.  Truth is, I don't really want to leave Big C at home or with my cousin while he and I go out.  I know I need to, but I don't know if I'm ready to do that just yet.  I've been OK with leaving him with Ashley when I've had a dentist appointment or OB appointment.  But when I'm with K, no Big C would seem like a part of us is missing.  Silly....yeah, I know.  But it is what it is.  I may try to have an afternoon with the hubs if A can take him for an afternoon.  We may attempt to go to a movie and grab some lunch.  We'll see how it goes.

Seems like the tyke has fallen back to sleep.  I know it's early, but I think I'm going to follow suit.  Between being pregnant and Big C waking up...there isn't much sleep to be had around here lately.  Gotta get it where and when you can.

-MoM-

We Don't Do Mornings

This is what morning looks like at our house when you wake up at 3:00am, play, roll around on Mommy & Daddy's bed and refuse to go back to sleep until 5:00.  Only to wake up again at 8.  He's not amused.  Not in the least.  This is also sometimes the face greeting me when he wakes from a nap...that was clearly not long enough.

Yeah, hubs and I didn't look all that refreshed either.