It's Been A While

It's kind of hard to put into words the past year.  Too many milestones, events all that jazz have happened.  And since I've mentioned numerous times how neglected this poor blog is, well it is no surprise that it's been well, neglected for the past year.

See, I thought I would be able to write down all those cute little anecdotes, sayings, events here in this blog and be able to go back and read it years from now and say, "Oh, I remember that!"  And I will, because I wrote some of it down here.  But, as they say, life happens.  And I'll be honest, I've been too busy living in that life to sit down and write about it.

I have to tell you that I did have plans to sit down and write a catchy little blog post after my kids were blissfully tucked into bed.  I could sit down with a nice glass of wine or even a cup of coffee, relax and write about the things on my mind, what occurred during the day/week or even just to brag about my kid a little!  But seriously?  Who the hell am I kidding?  When I put my darlings, and they really are by the way, blissfully to bed, I too am headed to my bed.  I'm wiped out.  I might have 20 minutes in me to read a little, but that is about it.  To actually sit down and write out a blog post? HAHAHAHAHA yeah, right.  I'm way too brain fried for that.  Not in a bad way either.  So please don't think that I'm saying I'm so exhausted from my children that I can't function longer than 20 minutes after they go to bed.  I am exhausted from living this wonderful life.  A life with my best friend, our two awesome kids, my dad and my brother.  I love this kind of exhausted!

Big C and Little C are doing great.  I know it sounds cliche, but I am so blessed....really!  I deal with the fear, that I'm sure nearly all parents deal with, that I'm not doing something right.  That my kids won't grow up to be good, decent, moral individuals who can think for themselves and choose to do the right thing, no matter the situation.  These are the years that are so impressionable.  I am their example of...well lots of things.  What a human being should be, a woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister.  I am their role model.  The person they will choose to emulate and try to become like.  At least for now I am.  That is a huge responsibility.  Little eyes watch me all the time.  I'm not perfect, at all.  I'm like....really, really far from perfect.  So they are already getting a flawed perception of what to strive for.  But I do go to bed at night wondering if I gave them a good example.  If I was a positive role model that day.  Can I do better tomorrow?

And sure, I'd love to write about what runs through my mind. Except, I'm too tired from trying to put those thoughts into action each day.  So while I won't be winning any blog awards or burning up the web with millions of followers waiting with baited breath for the next installment of my life, I will stop here occasionally and write stuff down.  It might not be stuff you want to read about...but hey, it's my blog so neener, neener, neener!  If you are OK with me just blowing in every now and again and jotting something down, then I'm A-OK with you reading it every now and again.

So what have we been up too?  Well.....

Big C is now in kindergarten.  Hard to believe.  I cried on the first day of school when he climbed on the bus.  Like...ugly cried.  And I cried again on the second day too.  And...I still longingly watch the bus at it pulls away everyday.  Don't judge me.

He is also learning martial arts and he's doing really well with it.  So this happened.....

He earned his green belt the end of September.  He will be a green belt for a minimum of 4 months.  He has a lot to learn during that time.  But, I have faith in him.  I absolutely love watching him practice martial arts.  It has really helped him learn to think for himself.


Little C is in PreK.  I also cried, on the same day, just a few hours later when the bus picked her up and took her off to school.  So that is 2 ugly cries in one day for me.  Not a record, but impressive nonetheless.  I stare longingly as her bus pulls away everyday too.  She is also learning martial arts.  She isn't as excited about it as Big C, but she always has fun while she is there.  So this just happened with her........

She has now earned her Distinguished Senior stripes on her white belt.  She looks excited doesn't she?  She wasn't.  I kept telling her to smile.  That was the best she could muster.  I have a love/hate relationship with watching her during practice.  She is 4, so she is still in that rainbows, glitter, unicorns pooping skittles, twirling around and not paying attention phase.  Sometimes I'd like nothing more than to run out onto the floor and tell her to knock it off and pay attention, but of course, I can't.  So, I just cover my eyes, like I'm watching a scary movie (although I totally don't do that with movies, I love scary movies!) and peek at her through my fingers.  Sometimes, she really surprises me!


Oh yeah....this also happened...........

 No, you don't need to adjust your screen.  You don't need your glasses either.  That is K, also taking martial arts!  He decided that not only would it be fun, good to learn and benefit his health, but that now he and the kids have one more thing they can do together!  He just earned his white belt the end of November.  I am super proud of all of them!  This is my crew!  My clan!  My family! I love them!  And this is why I'm so tired!  That my friends, is the best feeling.

So how about you?  Have you thought you wished you had more time to do something, but found you were so busy living life that you just never got to it?  Were you OK with that, or were you disappointed?  Why did you feel that way?

You've lost someone.  One of the most instrumental human beings in your life.  I'm sorry.  I can say that I've been there, and I have.  I can say I understand the pain, and I do.  I could tell you that it gets easier with time.  But then I would be lying.  Because it doesn't.  It just gets different.  Nothing I could say can ever make things better.  So I just don't say anything.  Nothing anyone ever said to me ever made me feel better.  Even though I know they meant well.  That part of your life, the huge chunk that is no longer there, is going to suck.  Nothing will ever fill it completely. 

What I can say is this.  I love you.  I have since the moment I met you. I always will.  There isn't another person in this lifetime that I'd rather be with and have as my partner, the father of my babies, my best friend and my husband.  You are my one.  I wish I could just make it all better.  I can't.  If I could, I'd take the pain you feel into myself, so you wouldn't have to feel it.  I can't do that either.  Makes me kinda good for nothing doesn't it?  Except for one thing.  I love you and that will not change.  Always remember that.  You are my other half, the part of me that was always missing.  Let me be that for you.  Let me do the one small thing I'm good at.  Let me comfort you, be your safe place, your shoulder, the one you never need to cover up your feelings with.  It isn't much.  But it's all I have.

-S

I Have Another Addiction

Its no secret.  If you know me you know that I have several addictions.  Some I was able to give up.  I quit smoking as soon as I learned I was pregnant with Big C and never went back.  I was never addicted to alcohol, but I did drink socially and that has stopped nearly completely.  I did have 1 glass of wine a month ago and was borderline nackered from it.  But there are those that no matter how hard I try, I'll never be able to give up.  Carbs for example.  I've tried and I've failed miserably.  There is just no way I am ever going to be willing to give up bread.  I can't do it.  Yes, I am fluffy.  And if being thin means having to give up bread....forget it.  I'll stay that way.  My kids.  I'm hopelessly addicted to them and I never want that to change.

When I was younger though.  I was addicted to reading.  I loved it.  I was a voracious reader.  Then, I don't really know what happened.  I began slowing down.  Honestly I think the computer began taking up more of my reading time and then I just kinda stopped altogether.  Maybe I would read 1 book a year.  When I was usually reading 1-3 a week  I found myself lately really missing it.  I've yearned to read again.  But I just never seemed to find the time.  I mean, have you ever tried to read a book and bottle feed at the same time?  It is virtually impossible.  You just can't hold the book open and do that.

So here is where I will sing the praises of my husband and gush about how I love him.  For our anniversary, he bought us both Motorola Droid phones.  I think I died and went to heaven.  I wondered how I kept my sanity without it!  The apps are amazing and help me keep organized.  From the Baby ESP application, to the Jorte to keep all my appointments at my fingertips to the grocery list my K and I can share.  This thing rocks!  But then, then I found out that I can read books on it.  Are you freaking kidding me?  I can read a book on this thing?  Like, really?!

Oh yes!  I love, love, love it!  I don't have to fumble with the pages of a book trying to hold it open and do other things.  I can stand at the stove stirring and cooking dinner and read at the same time!  I can bottle feed the baby at 4am and read because I can set it down and not worry about pages closing.  I never have to *remember* to bring a book with me to the doctor's office....it's right on my phone!  In the last 2 weeks I've been able to read 3 books!   I'm on the second book of the Twilight series....and before you snort about that, the books are really good so far. 

I am so excited to be able to read again.  And I honestly thing it has made me happier.  It has been really good for my PPD too.  It gives me a few minutes to myself that I need.  Even if I read for only 5 minutes in between tasks, just those few minutes help me get centered and reduce my anxiousness to a level I can easily deal with.  I have been even more attentive with the kids and I have been enjoying them more than ever.  I cannot count how many times I've looked at them both and felt my heart swell and nearly burst out of my chest with love for them.  They are amazing.  I always knew they were, but now I am keenly aware of just how blessed I am and I'm able to live much more int he moment with them.  Who would have thought that being able to take some time to myself reading for just a few minutes at a time could create such a wonderful, positive change.  The kids are feeling it too.  Big C and Little C both even seem more at ease, easier to put to bed/naps and they both just seem happier because I am happier.

K, I really love you for helping my get some of my life back.  Even though you didn't realize you were doing it, you did.  I'm so glad you are mine! I love you!

What helps you live more in the moment?  What do you do to give yourself some *me* time?

-MoM-

Wordless Wednesday - From This Day Forward

I know this is supposed to be Wordless Wednesday, but today I am celebrating the fact that 9 years ago today I married my best friend, K.

How I Met Your Father - Part I

A few people have asked about how I met K.  I guess I should probably start from the beginning.  Meaning the period of time right before I met him.  I've never really gone into detail about my life story or many of the major events in my life other than the birth of my children.  The death of my mother was a critical turning point in my life.  One day, I'll tell her story, which also became my story.  But for this particular entry I'm going to focus on a few months after she died.

See?  Here I am.....oops...wait...haha...I'm not 21 in this picture!  But I am kinda cute!

I was 21 years old, carefree and young with my whole life ahead of me.   I was going to college pursuing my life-long dream of becoming a veterinarian.  I was in the first semester of my second year.  My mother fell quite ill, so I decided to take the semester off to be at home with her.  I took her to her doctors appointments & such.  When she died, my world pretty much fell apart.  I spent the first few months deep in the depths of grief.  A close friend at the time, who was more like a sister to me tried to get me to go out and pull myself out of the hole that I was in.  So I did, reluctantly.  It was through her that I learned about the interwebs.  I did not have a computer.  I had no idea what the internet was or how to even use it.  Sheltered?  Umm...yeah!  But I found it amazing.  It was so cool how you could talk to people from all over.  I knew I had to get in on this!

Without going into detail about my life, its kinda boring anyway, I wasn't much of the party type.  Yes, I was 21, but I hadn't been in a bar until I turned 23.  Gasp!  Look, you are talking to a chick who ate her first taco at 21 years old, what do you expect?!  I spent much of my time at home and with my dogs.  Breeding & showing Bulldogs was something my Mom & I both had a passion for, so even though she passed away, I felt she had left me this legacy and I wanted to keep it alive.  But with that lifestyle came loneliness.  It is pretty solitary just raising puppies.  The most social interactions I ever got came from the dog shows.

Showing dogs is my most favorite sport, especially when I win!  Here I am winning Breed with my Heart dog, Whitey.  I am 22 years old.

 So in October of '98 I had saved up enough money to purchase my first computer.  With a whopping 333MHz processor.  Sounds ancient now doesn't it?  But it was one the of the faster ones of the day.  I surprised myself at how quickly I set it up.  Who knew I was such a geek so tech savvy?  Next I went out and got hooked up to the internet via....dial up.  Wait!  There is no need to wail in horror!  We couldn't get DSL where I lived.  So it was that or nothing.  It served its purpose too.

I logged into Yahoo! Chat, which now is defunct.  Shyly, I introduced myself and soon friendships began to blossom.  I met several people who I still talk to this very day, as well as K!  Crystal is my internet sissy.  I love you, girl!  Val is also my internet sister.  She also claims that she is responsible for K & I hooking up.  We let her believe that.  You should check out her blog, Mind Mumbles sometime.  She is hilarious and just an amazing writer, she makes it seem so effortless!  I also met Josh...my redneckiest friend in the world, who one day I am going to make him take me fishing since he lives like...RIGHT UP THE ROAD FROM ME!  He didn't then, but he does now!

One night though, it was really quite late I was in the country music rooms of Yahoo! chat.  This is where I spent most of my time.  I was raising a litter of puppies and it was almost time for their next feeding, so I would chat in between during the late nights.  I'm not really sure when this person entered the chat room, but somehow we both became involved in the same conversation.  He seemed nice.  Was respectful and polite.  Feeding time arrived and I never gave it another thought.  It was just like any other night.  Or was it?

Most of us who knew each other in chat usually logged in at similar times.  Josh & I were apparently insomniacs because we were on the East coast while Crystal was in Western Canada, Val in the Mid West and K was on the West coast, in California.  Seriously, I couldn't have found someone who wasn't COMPLETELY across the country from me? Alas, I digress.  This meant that I was logged in usually during the wee hours of the night/morning.  Which wasn't really a big deal since I was up all night raising puppies.


Here is where things get a bit fuzzy.  Cut me some slack, I was usually punch drunk from lack of sleep so that is why I can't remember exact details.  I don't remember exactly how K and I began our private conversation, but we did.  My first impression was that he was funny, extremely quick witted, engaging and disgustingly charming.  He was not flirtatious though.  Val messaged me and asked if I was talking to him, I told her I was.  She didn't say much more about it at the time.  


Our chats became more regular.  We began waiting on one another to show up and I clearly remember getting considerably happier when he came online.  I was getting to know him and I liked what I knew so far.  We discovered that we had many things in common.  From our values to our ideas about life, politics and even religion for the most part.  In a nutshell we were cut from very similar cloth.  After some time we exchanged photos of one another.  You could have knocked me over with a feather.  I thought he was the handsomest, sexiest and dreamiest guy I had ever seen!

I was smitten, twitterpated, call it whatever you like.  Apparently, he was too.  Lucky me!  We went on for a while with midnight chats and got brave enough to move on to the telephone.  After about a year we decided to meet.   He flew here.  I was never so nervous in my life.  Honestly, I wasn't sure we'd hit it off face to face.  Things like that can really open your eyes.  You never really *know* someone until you meet them face to face.  For me, after meeting, I thought I was in love.  Nah, I knew it was love.  He was nice, courteous, charming, decent, laid back and non-judgemental. Perfect.

March 2000 - When we first met face to face

 Self-doubt & fear rose its ugly head shortly after he left though.  I began to tell myself that I was being silly and not to expect much more than a passing hello from him again.  Even though things went so grand while he was here.  I always had a hard time believing someone could love me.  There would be another visit...much to my surprise.


To Be Continued...

Who's Birthday Is It? & The Cheesecake Cookie

So y'all probably don't know that it was K's birthday yesterday.  He turned 36.  I wanted to plan something nice for him.  But you know, the best of intentions sometimes fail.

K and I are not wealthy in any sense of the word.  We are about as average as you can get.  We have made sacrifices so that I can be a SAHM.  That means we pretty much live paycheck to paycheck.  And that is OK with us.  It isn't like our family has to go without, we just go without the *extras* when it comes to certain things.  Since Little C has been on Nutramigen, things have gotten a bit more tight in the finances department.  She goes through 3 of those big cans of powder every 2 weeks.  At 33 bucks a can plus tax, it is a little over $100.00 every 2 weeks just for her formula.  K gets paid twice a month.  So things get to be a little tight right around payday.  So planning a dinner out, or movies or anything like that was out until Friday.

I take birthdays very seriously.  I mean come on, it is a celebration of the day you were born.  I know how excited I was when my babies were born.  Those were the best days of my life!  So I have to do something on the actual day.  It just so happens that K prefers pie over cake.  So I thought about making him one of his favorite pies.  Then I remembered I used up all but a smattering of the flour when I baked bread last week.  Darn.  I thought about running out and picking some up, but I had an emergency dental appointment looming that afternoon to fix a chipped tooth.  Darn again.

I looked around the kitchen.  Rummaged through the pantry and grabbed the graham cracker crumbs.  Hmm.  The only think K likes as much as pie is cheesecake.  Checked the fridge and there was still cream cheese left from the 6 pack I bought a few weeks ago when I made carrot cream cheese muffins & marble brownies.  Score!  I moved things around looking for it but it was just the one package.  Darn...a third time.  Well...I could half the recipe and everything would be OK.  It would be a small cheesecake, but a cheesecake nonetheless!

Happily, I made my crust and then I realized the smallest pan I had was an 8.5" springform.  You have to be kidding me.  I could have sworn I had a smaller one.  Well crap.  My dental appointment time was creeping up on me.  So I decided in the words of Tim Gunn on Project Runway to "Make it work."  I baked my crust, threw in my filling, popped it in the oven and ran to get ready for my appointment.  Twenty-five minutes later I pulled it out.  It looked beautiful!  I was so excited because it didn't even crack!  Tossing it in the fridge I raced out the door to the car and zoomed off to get this chipped tooth fixed.

After getting home from the dentist, I found K feeding Big C dinner.  I hugged & kissed him, wished him a happy birthday for the 3rd time and ran back to get Little C a bottle and feed her.  It is almost time to put the kids to bed so I head out to the kitchen to get K's cake, sing happy birthday and give cards/gifts.  Big C is sitting with my dad in the living room and I yell out to him, "Come on Dad, it's time to sing 'Happy Birthday'."  To which he answers, "Singing it to who?"  Uh, how long have K & I been married?  You'd think my dad would know his birthday by now.  J gets the fridge door for me and I whip out the cheesecake.  TA DA!!!  K smiles broadly.  After setting it in front of him I flip the spring on the pan and take off the sides and look in horror.

J looks at me and says, "What the heck happened to the cheesecake?"  I almost burst into tears.  Even though the cake was fine, because I didn't have a pan that was smaller in diameter than the 8.5" spring form, my cheese cake looked more like a cookie.  With my lip quivering slightly, I recounted my earlier adventure trying to get everything together to make something.  J laughed.  K laughed.  I felt bad for a few minutes.  Then I laughed too.  Seriously, it was hilarious.  It looked so funny.  However it tasted fabulous!

Not the sharpest picture, but you can see, clearly a Giant. Cheesecake. Cookie.

Later, when K & I climbed into bed, we fell asleep laughing.  Between my dad asking who we were singing to & the cookie that was really a cheesecake, he told me it would be a birthday he would never forget.  Mission accomplished!

What Do You Want From Me?

I'm disappointed.  I feel failed.  I know that medication is not a cure for postpartum depression/anxiety.  But I guess I did think it was going to make me "all better" and I would be fine as long as I was taking it.  Yeah, that is totally not what happens.  When I had my medication adjusted a few weeks ago, I had a few bad days.  I was irritable, snappy and I was just in a funk.  It really sucked.  After about 4 days, things were beginning to even out and I was actually enjoying some of the manic episodes.  I was super mom!  Cooking, cleaning, tending to the kids.  There was not a crying child all day because I had attended to every need and was a flipping June Cleaver on speed.  Everything was GREAT!  Until yesterday.

The day started out fine enough.  But I was slightly agitated and I assumed it was because of Big C coming down with a 103* temperature the night before.  This child is 18 months old and has never had a fever higher than 99 and that was only when he got his vaccines.  I know I have 2 babies, but I am still a new Mommy.  Only been one for 18 months and I have a lot to learn and many things I've yet to experience.  I was ready to race him to the ER because I was afraid if it went higher his brain was going to fry.  I might have been somewhat melodramatic but he is my baby!  So don't judge me!

I took Big C to the pediatrician yesterday morning.  After speaking to him the night before and determining it appeared as though it wasn't life-threatening, he asked me to bring him in the next morning.  Everything went well while we were there.  It was even fine after we got home.  But as the day wore on, I found myself getting frustrated and then the moodiness set in.  Let me give you some advice, when this happens, if you have someone else around to take care of your children, let them do it. 

I should probably also tell you that Little C has had two incidences of diarrhea.  They have been isolated and no fever for her.  But she is 3 months old, Big C does have a fever with no other symptoms, so it makes me nervous.  Their issues are probably unrelated since the symptoms are different, but who knows?  I'm thinking this was a trigger for me.  I am naturally a little neurotic, especially when it comes to my kids.  The fact that I am agitated also doesn't help the kids.  They can easily pick up on things like that.  Add to that a cranky toddler with a fever and a fussy newborn with acid reflux, gas pains from diarrhea and an appetite like a bear after waking from a 4 hour nap and you have a very ugly situation about to explode.

I don't even want to recount this because it hurts.  I'm still feeling horrible about it.  Little C was super fussy and literally screaming like a crazy child.  I could hear her swallowing huge gulps of air as she screamed.  I had already fed her about an hour prior.  Had just changed her diaper when she began to fuss.  But it went from mild fussing to full out hysterics in 2 seconds flat.  I didn't know what to do.  I had already fed her, she burped 4 times, I changed her diaper, I rocked her, shushed her, checked her temperature just to make sure she didn't have a fever, rocked her some more and she JUST. KEPT. SCREAMING.

Then I felt it, hot tears welling up and I quickly laid her on the bed.  Was she still hungry?  She just drank 5 ounces and that is normally her limit.  I'll make her some more anyway.  I jumped off the bed and began mixing up a bottle.  I just couldn't make it fast enough.  She just starting screaming like someone was hurting her, killing her.  I then began screaming.  Yelling at her to "just wait a minute I'm going as fast as I can" but she continued to scream and scream and scream.  The bottle was made and I raced over to the bed, snatched her up and shoved the nipple in her mouth.  And....she screamed.  AND SCREAMED AND SCREAMED.  Finally, I just couldn't take it anymore.  I yelled out for K to come help me.  He came in and I gave her to him and told him to walk with her and try to get her under control.

He walked her up and down the hallway and after a few moments she began to quiet.  I could hear her sniffling, sucking in sharp gulps of air as she settled down.  I just sat on the bed, put my head in my hands and I cried.  Silently, shamefully.  I yelled at my baby...again.  I thought the medicine was supposed to stop that?  I thought I wasn't going to flip out and fly off the handle anymore?  What happened?  What do I need to do to get this to stop?  Goddamn it PPD...WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?  I hate this and I hate you!  You are stealing me away from my children.  I'm afraid of causing psychological damage to both of them when I flip out and yell.  I just want to be like everyone else, you know?  Not irritable, frustrated, moody, angry, paranoid, neurotic, over protective, obsessive compulsive, anxiety ridden, self-loathing, guilt-ridden and feeling like a failure.  I am not like this all the time.  But I don't want to be like this at all.

K brought her back into the bedroom and handed her to me.  She looked up at me with red-rimmed eyes, wet and glassy from crying.  Her little nose running a bit and her face flushed from crying.  I offered her the bottle and she took it without protest.  I looked into those beautiful little brown eyes and I told her I was sorry.  That I am a horrible mother and that I wish I could take it back, wished I could be a better mother.  And then I cried sobbed.  Body rocking, deep sobbing.  So much and so hard that my head began to hurt.  None of this was her fault.  It is mine.  I need to get control of myself.  I can't do it alone.  I can't expect medication to do it alone either.  I know this is going to take time, but that is something I feel like I never have enough of these days.  I'll be talking to my doctor again and maybe it is time that I look into finding a postpartum group or therapist.  Right now, I'm willing to take all the help I can get if it means my recovery will be faster and complete.

A Letter to an Earlier Me

Wow!  I am FINALLY getting to participate in a blog hop!  This is my first one so bear with me while I stumble through writing about something I wouldn't have thought to do on my own.


Dear Stacey,

You are 21 and deep in the wallows of grief.  But it will be OK.  You just lost your Momma, your best friend.  I know everyone keeps telling you that she is in a better place now, that she isn't suffering anymore and that time will heal.  And right now, that is so hard to believe.  Mostly because it is pure bullshit.  Time doesn't heal anything.  That wound will forever be there.  You just get used to the pain, that's all.  The next few months are going to be the worst in your life.  But it will get better.

You are going to try to go back to school, but you'll withdraw from classes.  You'll feel alone and you will be sure that you are going to stay that way forever.  Alone.  But I'm going to tell you that you are so wrong.  Because you are going to one day get the balls to buy a computer.  And is the world ever going to open up to you.  You'll meet new people from a lot of places.  Then one night, you will meet...him.  The one that makes your heart kinda race and your stomach do little flip flops.  Don't be scared though.  Self esteem never has been your strong point.  I don't think it is for any fat kid growing up.  You are OK though, you got a thick skin and moved past that.  You're shy though and you still think you are incapable of ever being loved by someone.  That no one could ever find you attractive enough to give a second glance.

He does.  He thinks you are beautiful, smart and ridiculously funny with sometimes a twisted sense of humor.  He won't find out about your potty mouth until a little later.  You will eventually meet him face to face.  It will be awkward, exciting, silly and scary.  However, you'll be glad you took the risk and met him.  You know why?  Because of him, you will get on an airplane for the first time in your life and fly three thousand miles away from home.  The place you've never been away from before.  The views and sights and experiences will be amazing and something you surely will never forget.

Know what else?  He is going to marry you.  The proposal is going to come out a bit...different, you'll both laugh...and cry.  It is going to take time though.  Having a long distance relationship is going to take its toll on both of you.  Those 10 months are going to be agony.  Lots of letter writing, emails and late night chats on the phone.  One night he's going to tell you he found a litter of kittens, 2 days old and near death.  You will coach him on how to get them out of danger and then how to care for them properly.  I kinda hate to break this to you, but he'll be bringing two of those cotton candy long-haired pain in the asses with him.  As an animal lover though, you'll be OK with that, even if you aren't a fan of cats.

I also want you to know that all of those doctors you've been to about your out of control periods, well some were right and some were wrong.  You are going to spend the next 11 years worrying about if you will ever be able to have children.  In about 4 years, it will peak because that is when you are going to get married.  You are going to go from doctor to doctor in hopes of getting a straight answer of what is going on with your reproductive system.  Everyone is going to tell you something different until one day you see a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  He'll tell you he can probably get you pregnant with medicine.  Eventually, you'll find the doctor that you stick with and who will deliver your babies.

What, you say?  Am I serious?  Yes, I am.  You are going to have babies....with an s.  Calm down, they won't be at the same time!  But they will be 14 and a half months apart.  Oh yeah sister, you have your work cut out for you!  But first I have to tell you that it isn't going to happen when you want it to.  See, you get distracted with trying to lose weight so you can be fit and healthy for a pregnancy.  Plus you've been told if you lose weight some of your girly problems will resolve.  So you did lose weight, a lot of it.  But those problems never went away.  Getting preoccupied with married life, a job that is drama central and it never seeming like the right time, you will avoid going back to the RE or talking to the doctor about Clomid.  Instead you tell yourself if it is going to happen, it will happen.

I'm sorry to say that it doesn't happen right away.  Not even after a few years.  You are going to be a bit more desperate by then.  Discussing things like IVF with your husband and the cost.  Knowing full well you will never be able to afford it on your income.  You will consider Clomid again, but find it hard to concentrate because of the hellhole that you call your job.  By the way, J was a way better boss.  She might have been crazy, needy and self absorbed but she never pretended she wasn't privileged.  You will curse the day that douchenozzle L took her place.  Well her and that mousy twat A who couldn't do her own job and did nothing but complain.  The stress from work will become so overwhelming that one day you will tell your boss you can't take anymore of her shit, and that you are quitting.  You'll say it sweetly and sarcastically at the same time and it will be freaking awesome.

Almost married seven years now, K knows you.  He knows you wouldn't have quit if it wasn't something you had to do.  He will tell you that together you'll work things out and don't worry.  One year and many interviews later you'll still find yourself unemployed.  But things are going OK on just one income.  K even gets a raise so things get a little better to boot.  Being a mother is still very much on your mind though.  You have watched A and her 3 children and have longed for your own. One night you are going to break down and cry to K and ask him if he will still love you if you can't ever give him a child.  You'll be terrified of his answer, but don't be.  K will tell you that he married you, not a baby maker.  A feeling of relief will come.  All this time you will think he resents you because you can't get pregnant.

About a month later, your period won't come...again.  You'll do nothing and just wait like you always do.  Until one day while having a funny conversation you feel your boobs and realize that they feel...different.  You'll think maybe its a precurser to your period and you'll be cranky and wicked tired.  Like, the kind of tired you've never experienced before.  During a chat with A you'll ask her if she's ever had her boobs feel heavier, bigger, different and she'll tell you only when she was pregnant.  The she'll stop dead in her tracks on the phone and squee with excitement.  You will blow her off and chuckle telling her it just won't happen that easy.  After a week you won't be able to stand it.  You'll take the test and you'll get a super dark "+" sign.

At that moment your life is going to change as drastically as it did today.  Your world fell apart this morning when the last blip on your mother's heart monitor went flat.  It is going to be hard.  Getting married, getting pregnant and having your children...without your mother being there to see it, experience it and give you advice.  Crying and missing her is really going to be full force during your pregnancy and man, once they are born you are really going to wish she was still here.  The moment you lay eyes on that darling baby the world is going to change again.  The hole that got torn into your heart today will be filled.  So yes, Stacey, things are going to get better.  It won't all be rainbows and unicorns.  Lots of rough spots litter the way.  Life will not get easier...it will get different.  And you?  You are going to be just fine.

By the way...on October 11, 2005, I need you to be more careful when going to work.  I'd like to avoid the head on collision with the bus that ended up breaking your leg.  Being laid up and rehab sucked big time.  Oh, and you'll notice I didn't tell you the sex of your babies.  That is because with at least one of them, you'll want to keep it a surprise until the big day.  Trust me, you won't be disappointed. ::wink::

Love,
Me

I Blinked

And I honestly think I missed about 4 days.  WTH?  I know I took Little C in for her 2 month check up on Monday and she is 12 lbs.  TWELVE POUNDS people!!!  My baby...my little newborn is a whopping 12 pounds.  So much has happened this week and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all.  I almost feel like I am buzzing, if that makes any sense at all.  Almost like I can't turn off.  But I am...I think.  Although I am waking up dogass tired in the morning.  But, I do have a baby...with colic...and reflux....so...yeah. 

I had to have Martha, my bulldog euthanized yesterday.  I spoke in a previous post about her lymphoma diagnosis.  It progressed faster than expected.  It broke my heart to let her go, although just by looking at her I knew she had a few days, if that.  She crashed from a chemo treatment and although she was recovering from that, the cancer was getting out of control and quickly.  It has been 3 weeks since her diagnosis.  I pray that if I succumb to that disease I go as quickly.  Such a horrific disease that knows no boundries and doesn't discriminate.  After being on medication for my PPD for the last 3.5 weeks I am feeling a bit better, but some things bother me.  Like feeling incredibly sad at the loss of my dear sweet Martha, but not being able to *cry* for her.  I suppose it will take another few weeks for the medication to adjust fully.  Its little things like that, that will take some getting used to.  Otherwise, I am better.  Not nearly as irritable or weepy.  Don't get me wrong, I have my moments...they just seems to be less frequent.  And that I am happy about.

This long weekend is almost over and I don't know where it went or what the heck I spent it doing, other than the obvious. ::points to above paragraph::  I'm disappointed because I felt like I have had no time with my hubs this weekend or the kiddos.  And I still have quite a few other irons in the fire.  BTW, I'm working on several other posts if y'all are interested.  One is Little C's birth story and the other is about K and I and our beginning.  It is taking me a while because I need to dig up some pictures and stuff for the posts.  But stay tuned...that is if you wanna know about it.  Anyway.  I gotta go do some stuff.  I can't sit around for too long today.  Too much to do and not enough time to do it.  Story of my life!

Teething Troubles or Something More?

Heck if I know.  But it's quarter after 9 at night and he was blissfully asleep at 8:30.  Awake now and I heard K go in to hush him back to sleep.  He's been miserable ALL day.  I don't mean cranky...I mean downright pissed at the world.  Refusing to eat, throwing things around and it seemed that no one could make him happy.  Secretly that last part kinda made me feel good, but just a smidge because lately it seems as though he views me as Mommy Dearest and prefers everyone else in the world to me.

Good news is he has his 1 year check up scheduled.  Bad news is it's next Monday.  If it's just a teething issue, I'm fine to sort it out and deal with it.  I'm a little weary of an ear infection.  He does touch the sides of his head, but not really tugging at ears and there is no fever...for now.  I don't want to freak out, so I'm leaning toward teething.  He has had 8 teeth since about August/September.  The first molar showed up last month and has broken through about half way.  It could be that one too I guess.  He refuses to let me anywhere near his mouth.  Whether it's because his mouth hurts or he's just so pissed about something he doesn't want to be mucked around with...I cannot say.

Honestly, I just want my kid to feel better.  I really don't like abhor not being able to soothe him.  It totally makes me feel like a big, fat failure.  Add to that my already feeling *put out* by the fact that his father, grandfather and uncle can do no wrong and are completely worthy of picking him up and snuggling while I am not and you have The Sourpuss Complex.  What?  I'm adult enough to admit it.  So, it might be a phase, doesn't mean I have to enjoy it.  I am happy that he is bonding with his father.  No easy feat mind you when Daddy is gone 14.5 hours a day due to work/commuting.  That part does thrill me.  Plus my husband gets the interaction with him that he wants, craves and rightly deserves from his son.  Win/win on that one.

I am completely thankful that my husband is off tomorrow for MLK's birthday.  I've been missing him a lot.  I treasure our weekends together.  Even if it is filled with laundry, running errands, grocery shopping and cramming everything you can't do during the week because he gets home @ 7:30 pm.  We haven't had a day to ourselves since before Big C was born.  With the exception of going to my high school reunion back in July.  But that was hardly a chance for he and I to spend alone time together in order to reconnect.  Truth is, I don't really want to leave Big C at home or with my cousin while he and I go out.  I know I need to, but I don't know if I'm ready to do that just yet.  I've been OK with leaving him with Ashley when I've had a dentist appointment or OB appointment.  But when I'm with K, no Big C would seem like a part of us is missing.  Silly....yeah, I know.  But it is what it is.  I may try to have an afternoon with the hubs if A can take him for an afternoon.  We may attempt to go to a movie and grab some lunch.  We'll see how it goes.

Seems like the tyke has fallen back to sleep.  I know it's early, but I think I'm going to follow suit.  Between being pregnant and Big C waking up...there isn't much sleep to be had around here lately.  Gotta get it where and when you can.

-MoM-

A Note To Fellow Bloggers, 29 Weeks Update & Random Thoughts

29 weeks already!  Sometimes it feels like it's going slow, but being busy with Big C has helped in that department.  I think I'm pretty close to making the decision to just go and schedule a c-section.  I'll wait until my next sonogram @ 32 weeks, but I'm almost 100% on going ahead with it.  I have 10 weeks until I get to see and hold this baby.  I still can't believe it sometimes.  I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but I am so truly blessed and thankful to God for my son and this newest baby.  I am not without my own trials that I've had to face, but I have been fortunate to get pregnant on my own, without medical intervention, maintain a healthy pregnancy and deliver (even if by c-section) a healthy, happy handsome little boy.  AND I am fortunate to again been able to conceive, and so far so good on maintaining a healthy pregnancy and I pray it will continue to a problem free delivery and a happy, healthy baby.

K and I got married in August of 2001.  And although we didn't immediately start trying to have a baby, we didn't prevent it either.  I've battled with female troubles since I was 14 years old.  Had my first D&C @ 14 then had to have another @ 16.  My hormones have never cooperated and were in *wacky* mode all the time.  Skipping a period or 2 then bleeding non-stop for the better part of 8 weeks.  I have been put on probably 3/4 of the birth control pills known to man in order to try to regulate my cycle.  Some worked, some didn't.  I've had ovarian cysts in the past as well.  After I got married, I began weaning myself off the BC pills...hoping that my cycles would continue to be normalish.  And for a while they were.  Normalish for me is just having a cycle once a month.  I never have and never will be an every xx day kinda girl.  One month it'll be a 25 days cycle, the next month it's 32 days.  Long story short, after a few months I kicked the BC completely and was cycling once a month.  The months passed, and so did the years and I never conceived.  Hubs and I pretty much gave up on the notion of it happening for us.  We talked and thought about fertility treatments of various sorts and the potential of having to consider IVF if Clomid wasn't successful.  And IVF was just something we could not afford.  We just didn't have that kind of money to put out in a chunk.  So we decided that if God had planned for us to have a child or children, then it would happen.  It was out of our hands.  God did have a plan and he did give us a beautiful son.  He decided when, not me.  You know, 6+ years is a long time when you are TTC.  I know what the longing feels like.  I know that twinge you feel when you see mothers with their babies.  When you see friends and family having babies, and there you sit with an empty womb and empty arms.  I was never jealous, but I did hope that one day, I'd have a baby of my own to love and cherish.

I follow many blogs.  And I have been there with you when you have written about your disappointment of a BFN.  The profoundness of experiencing a loss, be it before or after a delivery.  I have sat here and shed countless tears for you...with you.  I have prayed for you.  I have gone to bed at night thinking of you and admiring your strength, courage and faith.  For those of you that have experienced wonderful things after such heartbreak, I have laughed, jumped up and down and cried with happiness for you.  And for those still waiting, I wait with you, praying and hoping that you find the happiness you are seeking.  I'm not a stalker...seriously.  But just so you know, you have another person in your corner, rooting you on and ready to celebrate your victory.

OK, so I know that was a bit heavy so on to 29 week news.  I see my doctor again in a few weeks and I really need to ask him.  "Why does my crotch feel like it's going to fall out?"  No, really.  It's not the baby-feels-like-it-is-going-to-fall-out pressure.  It's my pelvis.  I think I can hear it crying.  It hurts SO bad.  It hurts to just walk, but if I try to swing a leg over a gate, or heck just lift it up high enough to step into the tub to take a shower it feels as though it is going to crumble.  I never had this with my first pregnancy, so I am assuming it might have something to do with only having 6 months to recover from a 9 month pregnancy and a c-section before getting pregnant again.  By week definition I am 7 months pregnant.  I've been experiencing and expecting discomforts.  But this one in particular is totally new for me.

Sleeping is off and on sucky.  Some nights are good, others...meh.  Half of it is because I get clogged and can't breathe...thank you sinuses and allergies.  I'm still tired, but I found myself needing a nap while the boy napped this morning.  Not that I felt like taking a nap.  I mean I needed it.  The babe still moves a bit erratically, which throws me into panic mode.  But I keep reminding myself as long as I feel something no matter how subtle, things are OK.  This was the part that drove me crazy with Big C.  I wanted him out because I couldn't stand not being able to *check* on him all the time.  So if he decided to take a snoozer day, I freaked thinking something was wrong.  On the same note, I wanted him in because inside he was protected from all the outside dangers.

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and I'm coming to the realization while talking to her that being a parent, a mommy isn't just hard in the sense of the word.  But I find myself worrying about Big C all the time.  I mean even in the sense of him being an adult.  I want him to grow up into a good man.  Not an alcoholic or drug addict or a player who just uses and manipulates women.  I want him to want to be a good man himself.  I don't want him doing stupid things like drinking and driving or getting into a car with someone who has.  I see news reports of someone running a child over with a car only to leave the scene and my heart stops for a moment, worried that that fate could find my son.  And that is only part of it.  More immediately the thoughts rolling in my head are how boys do silly and risky things to show off.  How am I going to teach him to be cautious without being afraid to try new things?  I mean sometimes it can be a fine line between going out for the football team and wanting to do stunts on a dirt bike.  No, really!

I don't want to be the crazy mother who never lets him do anything, or sends him out of the house with bubble wrap duct taped to his entire body.  But I also don't want to just let him "Live & Learn".  I can't.  He is a child and doesn't know *how* live and learn works!  What lesson will have been taught to him if he kills himself or ends up in the hospital paralyzed?  I am a chronic worry wart.  And yeah, I probably should be seeking therapy for it before I make my children worse than me.  For now, I'll just continue to pray that he and the baby stay safe, make good decisions and ask the Lord to keep them and protect them.  After all it is His plan and if anyone can keep them from harm, it is Him.

-MoM-

Just When You Thought You Had It Made

I know babies cry.  Big C cried.  All. The. Time.  Call it what you will...colic, gas, reflux, hunger (For the first 8 days I tried to EBF and wound up starving my kid rather than nourishing him since I just couldn't make more than a drop of BM.  I even took drugs to boost production and came up empty), or constipation.  All I know is one day my husband looked at me the night before Big C's 2 month appointment and said, "Ask he why he does nothing but cry...constantly."

To Big C's credit, he didn't cry "constantly".  Just when he wasn't sleeping (which were 15-30 minute intervals) and when he wasn't eating.  K and I were both seriously sleep deprived and snapping at one another like crocodiles over a chicken leg.  He was getting up at 4:30am to head to work, only to come home at 6:30-7:30pm to a screaming child and a wife begging for him to take said screaming child for a few hours so she could sleep.  I was getting up with him around the clock, and even though I let K sleep, I'd say it wasn't exactly as *sound* as he'd have liked it to be. 

Then, something miraculous happened.  I discovered rice cereal, put him to sleep in his swing and he was also getting older.  The rice cereal helped him keep food down.  He started spitting up a lot so this helped make it a bit heavier.  The swing kept him upright and the motion lulled him to sleep.  I also give chops to the sound machine I purchased from Homedics.  The projector and ocean and rain sounds helped too...and still are!  Time went on and he began to sleep longer...although only taking 15 minute power naps during the day.

I won't get into the transition from bassinet to crib...that was a task in and of itself that was a source of great frustration for hubs and I but we got through it.  But I digress.  Big C began to grow out of his colic, reflux whatever you wish to label it, and I had a very happy content baby.  Who has remained that way, for the most part...up until last night.  What happened last night was a cold slap into reality and just a reminder that sleepless nights are approaching with the birth of the new baby in a few months.  But it wasn't just the sleepless night.  It was a culmination of what motherhood parenthood really is about.

Big C just turned a year old on Friday, New Year's Eve.  So he's way past the newborn stuff.  He has been cutting a bicuspid throughout the last week or so, which I know is a stress to him since he is chewing on his thumb more often, drooling again and cranky.  Some Motrin usually helps and he is his jolly self once again.  Occasionally, I have been a bonehead and put him to bed without a dose of Tylenol or Motrin to help with the pain of his teething and he'll wake up between 3 and 4am.  I give him a sippy cup of formula, a dose of meds, we play and snuggle for 30 minutes or so and he happily goes back to sleep until he wakes in the morning his usual time.

Last night was a Mommy bonehead night.  Put him to bed at 8:30pm and he did nothing but cry in the crib.  OK, this is odd.  I realized he hadn't eaten as much as he normally does at dinner because he was being cranky and slapping the spoon out of my hands and flat out refusing to eat.  OK well everyone tells you when kiddies do that, they don't want any more!  He was fine otherwise.  Happily playing on the floor with toys after being taken out of the highchair until it was bedtime.  So K went in and got him at 9:15pm and brought him into the bedroom where I gave him a cup of formula and a animal cracker.  He seemed content and happy at that point.  I changed his diaper so he wasn't wet in the least and K took him back to the crib at 9:50pm.  Soon as he walked away the crying resumed.  He and I just looked at each other decided to give him a few minutes and maybe he'd settle himself.

The crying crescendoed into flat out hysterical screaming so K went in again and got him, it was now 10:29pm.  This time Big C had gotten himself so wound up that he was coughing until he threw up.  Three times.  Not a lot mind you.  Nothing projectile...we had that back when Big C had gotten his first cold.  Just the kind when you cough too hard and too deep and up a little bit of ick will come.  However, it did get on his PJs so I stripped him down, changed his diaper again, just in case (I'm a diaper nazi...I can't put a child to bed even with a drop of wetness in there) and after he was settled offered him a drink, which he took.  At this point this child was exhausted.  I could see the bluish purple circles under his eyes and he was rubbing his eyes fiercely and blinking repeatedly fighting to keep them open.

I proceeded to give him some Motrin, figuring it might be pain from the tooth coming in.  He clutched his Pooh bear and rolled to his side on the bed, along the side of my leg and I just shushed him like I did when he was a newborn and rubbed his back.  Still staring at the ceiling and blinking to keep from going to sleep I decided to pull out the secret weapon and began stroking his forehead and pushing his hair back.  He couldn't resist and finally closed his eyes.  K, in zombie-like form got up after a few minutes and picked him up and took him back to his crib.  It was 12:05am.  I heard Big C stir a bit and K comfort him in a hushed tone over the monitor.  Then I heard something that sounded like...*Scrrraaape, thummp, creeeak, scrrrape*

Next thing I know is Big C starts screaming, I see fur fly past the bedroom door and K comes racing in the room, across the bed and nearly dives off the side, reaching down under his side of the bed, knocking a few things off the night stand.  Up comes he and his arm from the floor and he's holding the cat, Mo and shoves her down the hallway and yells, "Stay out of his room!"  Yeah.  Nice one, Mo.  He had Big C almost fully asleep when she insisted to paw, then literally slam herself against the door in order to get it open to get to K.  Seriously the cat is up his arse and it annoys me.  But then again I never have been a cat person per say.  To continue, K goes in and settles our son once again and has a staring contest with him over the next 20 minutes.  He finally comes into the bedroom exhausted proclaiming that the screaming will begin because the kid just refuses to close his eyes.  To our surprise, several minutes went by and no screaming. 

I can't tell you how proud of ourselves we were.  I mean aside form being worried that our son was seriously sick or starting with an ear infection or something, we were working it out together and managed to get the little guy to settle down and go to sleep after all!  He looked at me and I at him and gave each other a little smile and laid our weary heads on our pillows.  We can totally do this!  We are good parents!

At 1:50am blood curdling screaming ripped our eye lids open and we both fly out of bed.  I panic.  My mind begins racing.

OK...if this was teething, the Motrin would have taken enough of the edge off that a completely spent and exhausted child would sleep...and for more than an hour.  Maybe it's an earache?  I haven't seen him tug at his ears at all.  But maybe he wouldn't.  Not all babies are the same.  He might just cry.  But it wasn't constant crying.  Don't they cry ALL the time with an earache?  And they have a fever don't they?  He had no fever. Wait?  Did I hear him fart?  Maybe it's gas?  I am such a horrible mother!  My baby is sick and I don't know what's wrong with him and all I can do is try to hush him and put him to bed!

We bring him back to our bed and I'm fighting back tears.  I feel helpless.  Just like I did when he was an infant and I couldn't breastfeed him.  And just like when I couldn't take his pain from reflux, gas, colic away.  I thought this was supposed to get easier?

It turns out, he was a bit gassy as he dropped a few more barking spiders than what I know as "normal" for him.  But I was having a hard time figuring out why?  He did have hiccups when K first put him to bed earlier that night....he could have swallowed air from them.  Although, he never did grab at his belly or kick his legs in a way that would make me suspicious of belly trouble.  After a few minutes I decided that if it was indeed gas, then the culprit was the scrambled egg he ate in the morning for breakfast.  I've offered it to him before but he usually gagged and spit it out.  Something about the texture.  But this morning, he happily chomped it down.  It was the only thing different that he had eaten.  Everything else he's had upteen times before.

So...I laid my baby down on my bed, hubs laying parallel to him and I rubbed his back, belly, legs and arms all the while shushing him quietly.  He clutched his Pooh bear to his chest and stared up at me and the ceiling.  I began stroking his forehead and gently pushing his hair back and with each lazy stroke his beautiful but very tired blue eyes fluttered and finally closed, and he fell asleep.  My husband looked at me and head motioned to the crib and I shook my head.  K just lay his head down and went to sleep with Big C.  I, opened a book, Raising Boys, by Dr. Dobson and continued reading where I left off the night before.  It's excellent so far and I recommend it for both mothers and fathers of boys.

I'm nearly 7 months pregnant and so it's no surprise that my back, ribs and pelvis start to ache when sitting up for a long time.  I needed to lay down, on my side for a while.  But I just sat and continued to read for about 2 hours, making sure my little boy got some sleep.  K stirred at 4am and looked at me as I closed my book and nodded to him.  I watched as he picked our limp darling boy up off the bed, snoozing blissfully and carried him to his crib.  He walked into the bedroom a moment later and we waited.  Quiet.  Only the sound of the rain falling on his noise machine.

I am happy to say he did sleep until about 8:30am.  K and I felt like zombies, but the boy was in better spirits this morning.  I've been dosing him with some Milicon to help rid him of any residual gas, even though I'm not 100% sure that was the issue.  I know I won't be feeding him eggs again...for a very, very long time.  Even managed to get him to take 2 decent naps today with little protesting on his part.  We shall see what tonight brings.  This experience made me realize that it does not get easier.  My cousin A, who I've mentioned often in my blog has 4 children ages 8, 5, soon to be 4 and soon to be 1.  One day I called her with a question and she was refereeing the kids while in the car and she said to me,  

"It doesn't get easier...it gets...different."

That has to be the best advice on parenting I've heard so far.  A has just started her own blog, just a little something to jot down things she never wants to forget.  We'll see how it evolves.  If you'd like to read it sometime, you can find it here.  So to all those new and expectant moms out there who happen across my blog, I am passing that advice on to you.  It will not get easier...but it will get different.  Parenting is the most difficult thing I've ever done.  It is also something I wouldn't change for anything else in the world.  I fear at times that I'm not a good mom, but you know what?  I'm a damn good mother.  I make sure my child is never in need of anything.  I play with him, I teach him and most important, I listen to him.  I don't always know what he is trying to tell me, but I do listen.  This journey into parenthood is like nothing I've ever attempted before and there is no going back.  I feel privileged to be given the opportunity to take the ride.

-MoM-

Happy, Happy Birthday Baby

My Dearest Big C,

It was one year ago today that I was first able to lay eyes upon your beautiful face. You are one year old today and I can hardly believe it. I know it has been written before, but I want to tell you again, just so you understand just how much you are loved and how much you were are wanted. It is the story of your life so far...but it started with my own. So listen carefully my darling boy because today, in this letter you will realize that there is no one on Earth who loves you as much as I do.

I always knew I wanted you. From a little girl, I always knew I wanted to be a mommy. I also wanted to be a veterinarian, a doctor and lawyer...but whether or not I ever got to be those things, what never changed was the fact that I wanted to be a mother. Your mother. Partly it stemmed from my own relationship with my mother. I loved her. More than anything. There was no one that could make me feel so loved, so important, so special and so wanted like my mommy. Feeling her arms around me when she hugged me was the best. She was so safe and warm and comfortable. I looked up to her and I longed to one day have a child of my own to pour that love and adoration into. A child that I could raise, watch grow up and be proud of the person I had a hand in shaping and encouraging. I so wanted a baby. I so wanted you.

Your grandma got sick when I was just 6 years old. She nearly died in the hospital. She was supposed to slip into a coma, never to awake while the infection ravaged her body. Her doctor feared it would be imminent, there wouldn't be enough time for the medication to do its job and your grandma would succumb before it ever had a chance to save her. However, your grandma....well she had other plans. She loved your Uncle Jim and I so much, she couldn't bear the thought of leaving us. He was 16 and I was 6 and all she could think about was us. She was so, so tired. Only wanting to close her eyes and go to sleep, even though she knew she would never wake up. But that meant leaving Uncle Jim and I behind. And she just couldn't bear the thought. So your grandma was determined to stay awake. To fight the darkness that was creeping upon her. The only way she could think to stay awake was by keeping her mind sharp. She figured if she said multiplication tables, out loud to keep her mind moving and awake, she might be able to stay awake long enough for the medicine to work. So all night long your grandma laid in her hospital bed, saying her times tables. Nurses looked at her and shook their heads, thinking she was going delirious and that it wouldn't be very long. But something else happened. She started to get a bit stronger. She wasn't as tired and her mind wasn't as clouded. By the next morning she was wide eyed, although very tired from no sleep at all. It wasn't the same kind of tired the infection was causing. Much to everyone's surprise, your grandma wasn't in a coma that morning and she certainly hadn't left us! After some blood work that was done immediately, the doctor was able to see that grandma had improved a little. She fought and she won!

Now it is important that I tell you grandma hadn't completely won the battle. The infection damaged her liver badly and they only gave her two years to live. But we are talking about your grandmother, and there was no way she was going down without a fight. She loved us very much and she tried, Big C. She tried very hard to make it long enough to see you. Because you see...I wanted you, but your grandma wanted you too! She couldn't wait until the day came when I would get pregnant with you and she would get to hold you in her arms. She had big plans for you. She envisioned a little cart, hooked up to one of the miniature horses and you driving the horse down our long driveway. She wanted to teach you all of your nursery rhymes and your ABCs. She wanted to spoil you, love you, adore you, snuggle you and shout to the world how much she loved her grandbaby. And she tried to make it long enough to do those things with you. So even though they said only 2 years, your grandma fought for another 12 years after that. But this time, when she got sick, she couldn't convince her body to listen to her mind. It had plans of it's own and so on June 18, 1997 at 8:36am your grandma left this world to go walk with the Lord in Heaven.

I was 21. I was going to college with plans of being a veterinarian. I quit going just before grandma died so I could help take care of her and spend time with her and be close to her. I had no boyfriend. Marriage wasn't even a thought in my mind. I hadn't ever even been on a date! I was heartbroken when your grandma left us. About a year and a half later, I met your father and fell in love with him. On August 11, 2001 your daddy and I got married. We were going to get married a week earlier, but that fell on your Grandma's birthday and I wanted that day to be her own, so we bumped it up a week. I was 25 years old then. I was so happy. Because I knew that now, I could have you! I had waited for you for so long. But I had to find the man who would be your daddy first! And he wasn't easy to find! After a few years your daddy and I tried for you. But, you wouldn't come. We tried some more, and you just weren't ready to come yet. After almost 7 years, your daddy and I decided that maybe God had decided that you were supposed to go to someone else and not us. So we decided to take a break from trying so hard. That if and when God decided you were to come to us, then it would happen. Well wouldn't you know it? About 6 months later you decided to show up! Finally! I wanted you so badly and for so long and finally you were coming! I was so nervous and so scared that now that I had you, something might happen and I would lose you. I prayed all the time, asking God to protect you, and keep you healthy.

Big C, I don't think I'll ever be able to accurately describe what being pregnant with you was like for me. It was scary and I was an emotional wreck through most of it. I had just wanted you so, so badly. You were all I ever dreamed of and I was so afraid that it was some kind of dream and that I wouldn't be able to hold you in my arms one day. I cried all the time. I hadn't even seen your face and I loved you more than anything in the world. You would party like crazy in my belly and then scare me half to death when you up and stopped because you wore yourself out and needed a day or two to recuperate. On more than one occasion I found myself sitting in the doctor's office waiting for the doppler to hear your heartbeat, only to have you wallop me just as he walked through the door. How I loved feeling you move inside me. The day I longed for was quickly approaching. The day I got to see your face, hold you in my arms and say, "Hello, Son."

The day you were born...one year ago exactly has been the happiest day of my life. Is it really possible to love something...someone so much? Yes, it is. When the doctor pulled you from my uterus during your c-section and poked your head over the big blue tarp and I saw you for the first time...I cried. Tears of joy sprang from my eyes at the sight of the child I had wanted and waited so long for. The moment they put you in my arms and I looked into your beautiful blue eyes was love at first sight. We had a rough start you and I. You cried all the time because you were hungry and I just didn't make enough milk. You turned yellow with jaundice, couldn't got potty and we spent 2 nights with you in the hospital under those bright blue lights. I cried and I prayed for you to get better. I sobbed each time they pricked your little heel to check your blood and after coming home I finally decided no more and put you on formula. You were much happier then. That was a hard decision for me because I wanted to be able to give you everything you needed. But, I had to do it differently now. Those first weeks were wonderful. I rocked you endlessly. Breathing you in, the smell of your freshly washed hair and skin. I loved giving you those little massages and you falling asleep during them. The late nights of just holding you and looking at you. I just couldn't and I still can't get enough of you.

And Big C, it's going by too fast. Before I know it you will be 21. I cherish the moments that I have with you. Our lazy mornings, where you lay over top my leg, sippy cup in hand watching Mickey Mouse. Or when you curl up against me, a little sigh escaping those pouty lips. It's getting harder to hold you, rock you and snuggle because you just want to move and be a part of everything around you. I look at you and my eyes well up because I can still hear the mew-mew-mew you'd make as you took your bottle. The way you'd smack your little lips when I gave you cereal for the first time. I love how you bend your head down repeatedly because you want forehead kisses or how you give us a cheesy grin when you get naked for bath time. How you strain to look over your daddy's shoulder in the bath tub to smile at me. I love how I can look at you and say, "What are you doing?" and you smile mischievously at me and continue to do something you clearly shouldn't.

Over the course of this year I have watched you grow, develop and learn. Its been a year full of sleepless nights, blissful mornings, aching backs, sweet kisses, warm hugs, snugly Pooh bears, temper tantrums, eyes fluttering to the sound of my singing a lullaby, teething, vaccines, a first cold, colic and gas, bilirubin lights, diapers, bottles, toys and baby wipes. Balmex, pacifiers, rice cereal and rubber duckies. Teething rings and cradle swings. Carters onesies, flannel sleepers with feet, disgusting new foods and yummy bananas as treats. You've 8 teeth with a bicuspid making it's debut. You can pull yourself up to standing and stand by yourself without holding on for quite a while now. You have even taken your first step alone on December 23....tiny as it was. Fondness for icy cold milk, splashing, music and dancing and giggling and laughs that make my heart melt. You have made me complete, Big C. For so long you had been missing, but you are here now and I savor each and every moment with you.

So always know sweet baby...You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you.....No one will love you like I do, my baby. Happy Birthday my wonderful, darling, sweet little precious boy.

I love you forever.

Love,

Your Mommy

God's Masterpiece

From graceful lilies pure and white,
God fashioned lovely skin,
Forgetmenots he chose for eyes,
Then formed your baby chin.
He took a tulip bright and red --
'Twas one that did not fade;
A softer, sweeter little mouth
Before was never made.
Another flower next He used --
A rosebud, pink and fair;
Touched it to your dimpled cheeks
And bade it blossom there.
Then with His magic fingers picked
Two morning glories white;
Curled and shaped your little ears,
Soon they were fastened tight.
That crowning bit of golden down
Will soon become your hair;
He gathered pollen from the flowers,
And sprinkled it with care.
For dainty little fingers dear
And precious, tiny toes,
He used slender daisy frills;
A snowdrop made your nose.
This world and all within it
He created here for man;
But Baby was "God's Masterpiece"
Since time and life began!

--Dora Dinsmore

Hello Third Trimester!

Along with all the ailments it brings with it. I'm not complaining...really. Well, OK...maybe I am just a little. I can deal with the decreased lung capacity, little sleep, swelling beyond comprehension(really it isn't that bad yet)and aching ribs and back. I've been through it all once before...like exactly 1 year ago! So I'm familiar with the normal symptoms. I'm getting them all sooner this time around which means they hang around longer. Meh...the reward outweighs the suffering by a longshot here.

I had my OB appointment this past Monday. Doc says the baby sounds happy. We had a heart rate in the 130s range. All results of the sonogram came back looking great and I passed my glucose challenge test with flying colors. Good thing too. I've turned into an eating machine in the last 2 weeks and have been eating all the wrong things and unfathomable amounts of sugar. While at the OB we discussed that my next visit will be in 4 weeks and then I'll start the every 2 week visits. I'll also be scheduled for an ultrasound to see how peanut is measuring up. If things look favorable, meaning the baby looks average size, I'm going to try for a VBAC. If it looks as thought the babe will be turkey size, I'll be scheduling a c-section.

I got home that morning and proceeded to get some things done. All was well in the land of Stacey until later that evening. While sitting at the kitchen table reading a sale paper, I realize that my butt was hurting. I mean wicked uncomfortable. I stood up, no help. WTH is going on? I was fine all day, no problems while at the doctors and now this happens. Seriously? Yeah, well. I came to realize during a shower and some self examination that the beasties I thought I was soooo lucky in avoiding so far this pregnancy have shown their ugly faces...and with a vengeance. I'm talking about 'roids. Yep, you heard me. They are the only thing I hate about pregnancy. Everything else is fine and totally dealable, but these evil, vile, disgusting butt distortionists are the worst. I had issues with them 3 times during my pregnancy with Big C. I made it to the 3rd trimester before they showed this time...darn it! So that has been a downer for me. I wasted no time in calling the doctor and telling him that my exit chute was on fire and it felt like I had a fork up there and I wanted a 'script and was not going to bother with anything else. Been there, done that and darn near got the T-shirt made. In case you are wondering...my arse is much better now, thanks.

I've been getting my last minute plans in order for Big C's birthday party. We are actually having a small one tonight with just us. I'm going to make him his own cake, let him destroy it and open his pressies. I will probably be the one opening them if it's anything like Christmas. K is going to leave work early today so he can get home at 6:30p. Having to take the train for transportation is such a pain...but when you work 90 miles from home, it doesn't leave you much of an alternative. I really hope he finds a comparable job closer to home. It's tough not having him around and it's going to be tougher when the new baby arrives. Plus it's a total drag that he doesn't get to spend much time with his son or his wife. He's gone 14.5 hours a day. When you factor in that he has to sleep and eat it leaves Big C and I a whole 2 hours to spend with him. And that is just not enough...for a child or a wife. So if anyone is looking for a superior IT guy with a killer work ethic and perfectionist tendencies to possibly work from home (hint hint) I know a guy. ;)

Otherwise, his party is pretty much planned for January 9th and I just have to get the incidentals and last minute stuff. Oh yeah...and a cake. I'm going to try to make *his* cake on my own and just have a bakery make a cake for everyone else to enjoy...since after Big C is done with his I'm not sure anyone would want to eat it.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a happy, healthy and very prosperous New Year!

Merry Christmas Eve and 27 Weeks!

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I'm excited...and tired.  Seems I end nearly everything with "I'm tired" these days. *Smiles* But that's OK.  I have a very good reason for it. *wink* I can hardly believe that I'm under the 100 day mark.  We are sitting at 91 days left to go.  I'm headed out of the 2nd Trimester and into the 3rd! Only 3 months left! I still haven't made my mind up if I'm going to just schedule a c-section or try for a VBAC this time.  I'm still at the "Let's wait and see" point.  I do find myself going back and forth with it.  

I'm feeling "Lil' Stinker" move regularly which always puts a smile on my face.  Waiting for a sleepy baby to move has to be one of the most nerve wracking things ever in pregnancy.  Not to mention with it being holiday time, the last thing I would want to have to do is call the doctor (on Christmas) with worries about the babe not moving to drag him out and get walloped just as he walks through the office door.  So I pray baby decides to be active, but not have such a party that he/she rocks themselves out to the point of having to take the whole day off to rest to make up for the partying this weekend.  My next appointment is Monday.  I am assuming my glucose challenge test came back normal, they didn't call me to tell me it was otherwise, so that is a relief.  

You know, I wish I would have done the same thing I see other bloggers have done with their pregnancies...weekly updates on how you are feeling, cravings, milestones and best part of the week, etc.  I would have liked to do that with my first pregnancy too.  But, I was already pregnant when I began this blog, and this time around I was so caught up in Big C I nearly forgot I even had a blog!  Oh well, maybe next time...Lord willing. *smiles*  I am already feeling some aches and pains, nothing on the contraction front, just and occasional squeeze here and there.  My cousin came by today to pick up the Christmas presents she had shipped to my house for her daughters and had to double take.  She was surprised at just how *round* I am.  She just looked at me and said, "Wow, no way to mistake that pregnant belly."  I've popped considerably in the last 2 weeks.  I am waddling like a duck already, knocking things off my table and counter top and bending over....ugh...it's the pits.  I have to be holding onto something or I'm afraid I'll go overboard!  I try to avoid it as much as I can.  However, Big C takes great delight in just flinging EVERYTHING onto the floor these days.  I'm hoping it's a phase. *wink*

This is Big C's very first Christmas.  I'm thrilled to be blessed enough to experience it and discover its wonders with him. He's still too young to understand anything, but I love how I can already see the wonder and beauty of Christmas in those big blue eyes of his.  This is my best Christmas by far.  No, we aren't loaded down with presents, which don’t reflect the true meaning of Christmas anyway.  But we have some well thought out gifts for each other and those we love.  It is never about the quantity but the thought behind what was given.  My greatest gift this year is having a Christmas and a beautiful child to spend it with, for the first time since my mom passed away.  I said if I ever had a child, we would have Christmas, like we used to, again.  And we are.  I am eagerly awaiting settling down tonight, dressing Big C in his Christmas pajamas and tucking him in for the night.  We are charging the battery for the camcorder, the cameras are set and ready to go for tomorrow morning and the stockings have been hung.  Presents have been put under the tree and the last thing I'm waiting on is....baking cookies.  

Ugh.  I have all the stuff.  It's just sitting there on my counter...waiting to be put together.  And I really want to do it...because I want cookies darn it!  And not just any cookie...I was THESE cookies.  I wish they could just make themselves.  I've been preoccupied with getting presents wrapped; taking care of Big C and dealing with a whopper of a sinus infection this week...I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it.  I keep saying"OK, going to do it today" and today comes and goes and it's tomorrow!  But I just don't feel like baking a boatload of cookies while I'm sick.  But I really wanna eat them.  REAL BAD.  Well, they are the yummiest cookies ever!  But anyway....I'm gonna move on, I'm depressing myself over these cookies.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow.  Big C should have a ball ripping open his presents....he loves shredding paper...and eating it.  Sometimes I think he is part goat.  I know I'm going to bawl my eyes out when I put him to bed tonight because of it being the first Christmas and everything.  And I'll probably be bawling my eyes out tomorrow to while I watch him open presents.  Oh!  And his birthday....his 1st BIRTHDAY is 7 DAYS AWAY!  I can't believe it.  My bald baby...who has beautiful blonde hair now...is going to be a year old!  I'm just....I can't believe it went by so fast.  I've been busy putting plans together for his party.  Nearly everything is up in the air except for the theme.  It's a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Birthday Party.  He LOVES that show and dances to the Hot Dog song.  So while I'm ironing things out for his party, I've been gathering his Mickey Mouse stuff.  

Speaking of Big C and dancing.  There is no doubt that he is my mother's grandson.  Anyone who knew my mom knew how she loved Elvis Presley.  Seriously, I think she was his #1 fan.  I'm rather fond of his music myself and listened to a CD quite a bit while I was preggo with Big C.  But there is a commercial that comes on television for Verizon vs. AT&T and the music is Elvis singing "Blue Christmas."  Every time it comes on, Big C's head jerks around and he starts swinging his head...and hips (naturally...it's Elvis) and really getting into it.  He does the same thing when another commercial comes on with the "All Shook Up" song.  It is hilarious and at the same time just fills my heart because I know...I just know that my Mom is in there somewhere.  She gave him her love of Elvis!  *laughs*  Oh!  Yesterday, he also took his very first step...alone.  Not holding onto anything.  I nearly burst with excitement.  He only did it the one time...but hey...at least he did it!  I'm so proud of him.

I really wish K didn't have to work today.  The train is running a holiday schedule too, which means he won't get home until around 8pm.  Bummer.  I wanted to get some last minute preparations done and could use his help.  But, it will be fine.  I know why my mom loved this holiday so much.  Not only are we celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior, who was the greatest gift of all.  But it is a time to celebrate all God's blessings, our families, friends and the relationships we have with them.  A time to help those in need and to pray and remember those who have suffered losses and who are less fortunate than ourselves.  So thank you, God, for giving us your only Son, Lord Jesus.  And thank you for giving me all the blessings you have this year and those past.  And I pray that you will bestow blessing upon others in the coming year!  Amen! 

Merry Christmas, and a healthy and prosperous New Year and may God bless you all!

14W and 5D

I love this picture of Big C and my Dad on the tractor. Below the photos are a progression.  Big C fell asleep in his high chair and woke up when he heard the camera click.

I can hardly believe it's been that long already. Part of my brain is trying to figure out where the last 3 1/2 months went while the other part is saying, "Hurry up and give me a baby already!" Well, HELLO brain, we have to finish growing the baby first! Besides, I still have a baby. He'll always be my baby, even though he is growing up so fast. *sniff*

Let me start off with a brief discussion on the weather. It will tie in with my pregnancy post, don't worry. I love autumn. That briskness to the air, without the bite of winter. It makes you feel so alive! I love the changing colors and the smell of fireplaces mingling in the night air. However, what I am not a fan of is dampness. The cold kind. Sure it's fine when it rains in the summer, but when it's cold and you get a downpour places you never knew existed being to ache. It's probably just me cause I'm old. My ankle, leg and knees don't like it at all, thanks to a car accident several years ago. But now I'm finding my hips and pelvis don't either.

So just what the heck is going on? Well, I can't say for sure but it probably has something to do with carrying my little porker around last year. And continuing to carry him this year, outside of the womb as he hasn't learned to walk just yet. And I'm fairly sure it also has to do with carrying my current angel in the womb around, coupled with severe bouts of morning sickness, which I call morning, noon and night sickness(MN&NS), in which I pulled like....every muscle in my pelvic floor from heaving and retching.

I think I know why they don't want to risk letting you try to deliver a big baby (10 lbs+) your first time, but are willing to let you try the second time. Seems those joints and muscles get all loosey goosey even more so the second time around! It still hurts to roll over in bed, walk and stand up! I'm just going to have to be a lot more careful this time, especially since I'm hefting Big C around as well. And he's no feather!

Speaking of Big C I have to give an update. We went for his 9 month appointment yesterday. He is coming along wonderfully! And he must be taking after the Danish side of his father's family because this boy is big. I'm not saying that because he is chubby. Sure, he is greater than the 95 percentile in weight. But he is also greater than the 95 percentile in height/length! He weighs 26 lbs and is 30 inches. 30 inches! Well, he does have big hands and feet. He also got his first does of the seasonal flu vaccine and I was so proud of him. He made just a peep. That was it! No screaming, not even a single tear! That's my boy!!! *Sniff* He's growing up so fast. I love and adore him so. His laughter, smiles, funny faces, everything about him and I've been Blessed to have been given such an amazing son. I have enjoyed watching him develop. I do miss my newborn though. I ache for those days. And I'm sure when he is 9 years old, I will be aching for the days when he was 9 months.

Alright, so back to pregnancy. I've mentioned in previous posts some *realizations* if you will, of Motherhood. Well, at least one of them starts during pregnancy. I am losing my mind! Seriously, if I don't write things down within moments of thinking about them, they are gone. *POOF* Adios! I've heard it called several things, pregnancy brain, momnesia, placenta brain. But man, it can be so frustrating. And in my house people are notorious for asking you things last minute.

Them: "I'm going to the store, need me to pick up anything?"

Me: "What?! Now?! Umm....wait...I think there was something, but I can't remember! Oh dear, was it...no, it wasn't. Shoot, I can't think of it now. You can't ask me stuff last minute like this. I need time to think about it!"

I'm hoping to remember it so I can call on the cell phone and get whatever it was I needed. But of course I won't remember until they are nearly pulling into the drive way. Or worse yet, I have to call 4 times because I keep remembering more things. Bless my husband. He just asks, "Are you sure that's it?" Then he starts giving suggestions and asking if we need this or that to help me out.

I'm also trying to figure out what is going on with my hair. While I was pregnant, I lost hardly any hair...it was wonderful! Then about 3 months after Big C was born it began falling out...like in clumps almost. My hands would be covered in the shower. I am forever pulling it out of the baby's hands, his mouth, off his clothes. So now that I'm pregnant again, I wonder if I'll stop losing it? That would be nice. But I'm afraid that I'd probably go completely bald 3 months after this baby is born. Haha. I shouldn't laugh, but that would be kinda funny. Although I'd be sobbing then, so I can laugh now.

So, I'm 14W and 5D. I went for my third OB appointment yesterday. This time I saw Dr. M and was told when making my next appointment that they will be alternating doctors each and every time. I saw Dr. S for the majority of my pregnancy with Big C, but that was only because I prefer early appointments. Both doctors were there for my c-section and I couldn't have asked for better guys to take care of Big C and I. They did a wonderful job keeping us healthy and safe. I know it was God who sent me in the direction of these two doctors. After all the problems I had had in the past, it was not until I came to see Dr. M that I knew I have found the doctor I wanted to stick with. So I would like to say Thank You, Lord for sending me in their direction!

The appointment started off well. Dr. M gave me some suggestions on keeping hydrated enough. I've been having trouble with that this time around, mostly from all the MN&NS. Then we got down to the business of using the Doppler to listen for the baby's heartbeat. And we heard it! YAY! I was so happy to finally hear my little darlings heart beating with the Doppler. There was also quite a bit of squishing sounds, which Dr. M said was the baby moving. Double YAY! The heart rate was in the range of 150 bpm. So at this point, it could be a girl or a boy. The early U/S had a heart rate of 167 bmp. The 150 range can be tricky. But I'll be happy with either sex. I'll take another boy just as happily as a girl. I just want healthy babies.

The end of October will prove to be hectic. Big C will go back to the doctor for his flu shot booster and I will be getting mine at the same time. I'll also be getting blood work done to make sure my thyroid is in check and that I won't need to readjust my dosage of medication. I'm also scheduled for the *big* U/S, the fetal anatomy one where they measure all the organs, bones and look for any abnormalities. Then my next OB appointment is a few days after. Oh, and to top it off, I've been selected for jury duty! And it starts on the day of my next OB appointment. What a drag! I though I could be slick and be excused since I've served before. But I served 4 years ago and you have to have served within the last 3 years. So I'm going to send in my paperwork, but I'm going to ask to be rescheduled for a medical appointment, explaining that currently I am attending every 4-5 weeks and I'll be happy to serve if they can schedule me either 3 or 6 weeks from when they originally want me. The toughest part will be finding someone to watch Big C for me while I go. I may be able to solicit the help of my cousin, but she wouldn't be able to help me on the days that she works. I have a few friends who would be willing to watch him, but they live too far away and I'd have to get Big C up at the crack of dawn to drop him off 30 miles away. I'll just have to see how it goes. Anyway, I need to get going, it is almost time for Big C to have lunch and then take a nap.

-MoM-