~ 100 ~

One Hundred Things About Me -- For My 100th Post (in random order)

1. I'm baking a Jewish Apple cake while I type this.
2. I'm addicted to office supplies.  Mostly pens, clips and Post It notes.
3. My most favorite thing in the entire world is kisses from my children.
4. I hate clutter, but I keep finding it.
5. I love to read, but have dry spells that can go a year or more.
6. I prefer cake over pie.
7. I think I can't stand my brother, but I know that I really love him.
8. I don't have many friends. The ones I do have, I don't talk to as often as I'd like.
9. I procrastinate.
10. I miss breeding and showing dogs.
11. I sing songs to torment my kids, just like my Mom did to me.
12. My normal body temperature is 97.9° F.
13. I miss singing karaoke.
14. I love to cook & bake.
15. Watching Spongebob Squarepants is my dirty little secret.
16. I'm terrified that either of my children might get a fatal illness.
17. I know more about dinosaurs because of my son than I ever could have imagined.
18. I miss my Mom and wish she were here to watch the kids grow..
19. I have never been whale watching, but would like to someday.
20. I have had surgery 4 times. My right eye, right leg & ankle and 2 c-sections.
21. I used to have a flower garden.
22. My favorite color is Orange.
23. My children are my life.
24. I love the smell of puppy breath.
25. I wish I'd gotten my judges license.
26. My Mother was going to name me either Margaret, after her, or Heather, but chose Stacey instead.
27. I never learned to ice skate, and I really don't want to learn.
28. I love the sounds of the night in the country.
29. One day I'd like to see the Northern Lights.
30. I wish I could knock this house down and custom build its replacement.
31. I had a hard time choosing names for my children. If Big C was a girl, he would have been named Aurora Margaret. If Little C had been a boy, she would have been Nolan James.
32. I wish I could do carpentry and basic electrical stuff.
33. I still have a hard time believing K loves me as much as he does sometimes.
34. I miss wearing a watch.
35. I am a psycho mom, never letting my kids out of my sight.
36. I miss my Grandmother.
37. I wish I'd had more time with my Grandfather.  I have only a few warm wonderful memories of him.
38. K was my first love.
39. I appear super outgoing and chatty to people, but I'm really not.
40. I love the smell of cut grass.
41. My oldest friend is Shannon.
42. I rarely eat ice cream.
43. I look at pictures of my children when they were babies and cry being overwhelmed with love.
44. I am very conservative.
45. I hate onions, the texture not the taste.
46. I am afraid to die and leave my children motherless.
47. I just bought my first firearm.
48. It will be followed by more.
49. I can't stay up as late as I used too without suffering the consequences.
50. I have arthritis in my knees.
51. My favorite holiday is Halloween, I love doing the make-up.
52. I am a hard core soda drinker, mostly diet, but I want to kick the habit.
53. I have been cigarette free for 4 years.
54. I love snowballs.
55. I dissect my steak/meat before eating it.
56. I have never done illegal drugs.
57. I cannot have certain foods touching on my plate.
58. I have been out of school for 19 years.
59. I am not a cat person.
60. I am a great bubblegum blower.
61. As of today, I will be a Karate Mom.
62. My second favorite color is yellow.
63. I am a good listener.
64. Sometimes Christmas music makes me cry.
65. I love God, but don't always understand Him.
66. My favorite sounds are my children saying, "I Love You, Mommy"
67. I craved Ice Pops & snowballs when I was pregnant with both my children.
68. I am so tired of stinkbugs!
69. I sing in the car...loudly.
70. My favorite animal is the Elephant.
71. I like wide open, green places.
72. I am terrified of tornadoes.
73. I ♥ Doctor Who!
74. I am pretty sure I will always be a fan of Christopher Walken.
75. I miss K's father.
76. I rode an elephant once when I was a kid.
77. I have been on an airplane 2 times.
78. I have been to 12 of the continental United States.
79. I've been wiping butts for 4 years.
80. I was pregnant 18 out of 24 consecutive months.
81. I've assisted in C-Sections on my dogs.
82. I am working on being a scream-free parent.
83. I wish I were healthier and in better shape.
84. I'm working on it.
85. I love a gorgeous kitchen, too bad I don't have one.
86. The perfect temperature for me is 78° F
87. My blood pressure was once 223/109, I was in a lot of pain.
88. I am sucked into the show Black Orphan.
89. Labyrinth is still one of my favorite movies -- Little C's too now.
90. I only have 1 sibling, a brother, J.
91. Sometimes get baby rabies and want a 3rd child.
92. I am completely content with the 2 I have.
93. I am blessed to have K as my husband.
94. I wish K's family lived a bit closer to we could see them more often.
95. I used to wear acrylic nails, I don't anymore.
96. I haven't cut, colored or highlighted my hair in over 6 months.
97. I wear shoes until they get holes in them or fall apart.
98. I buy clothes once every few years.
99. My birthday is January 5th.
100. I'm addicted to carbohydrates and need to kick the habit.

It was so hard coming up with 100 things about myself. Easy to see I'm not a frequent blogger since it took me 4 years to get to 100 posts.  So here is to the next 100, eh?  Cheers!

-MoM-

I Thought I Knew

For a while there, I thought I knew who I was, what I was doing and what my goals for the future were.  I'm not so sure anymore.  I've been withdrawn lately.  Seems the only thing I really even get joy out of lately are my kids.  While often I feel like I'm on the verge of a freak out, they are still my greatest joy.  Honestly, I don't know a parent who doesn't feel like losing it sometimes.  Children are a test of patience and understanding.  But I wouldn't ever change having them.  Sometimes I wish I could grab hold of myself and yell in my own face to get myself together.  Motivation has reached almost a non-existent level while the feeling of being alone is bigger and badder than ever and stubbornly refuses to take a hike.  I feel like a stranger to myself and everyone else, well I feel like I barely even know them.  My husband, brother, Dad and even my extended family.  Why do I feel this way?  I think, I'm just tired.  Tired of always being the one to put forth the effort.  I'm really pretty much done with trying to be the best friend with the ear to bend, while so rarely I am able to bend the ear of others.  I'm tired of putting forth energy to be playful, romantic, flirtatious and fun in my relationship to have it answered with nothing at all.  And I'm tired of always being the go to girl when someone needs a favor.  My days of being a sucker have come to an end, at least for now.  I know they will return, it is just my nature I suppose.

Where does that leave me now though?  I don't know.  Floating in a sort of limbo I suppose.  Stuck in a funk I just can't seem to shake off.  At least one thing stays constant.  I'm stupid crazy about my kiddos.  Even when I want to rip every hair out of my head because the 2 yr old keeps pushing his sister and she screams if I walk away from her, even if it is a mere 3 feet and I am within sight.  I'm so thankful for my babies, because when I'm with them, I am who I really want to be.  Except when they have me tearing my hair out. :-)

-MoM-

Poop, It Happens at 5AM

Note:  If talk of poop, baby poop, color & texture of poop & the act of babies pooping grosses you out, then FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS CUTE CHUBBY & ROUND (like me) don't read any further!  Or is that farther?  Meh, who cares?  You can just stop here.

I love my daughter.  Everything about her. She is cute, cuddly and finally happier!  We've gotten past those days of pesky gas & colic.  Well, the formula change gets the credit there.  But she is pleasant again!  Like the first few days after she was born, only better now because she smiles, laughs and plays back.

Not only has the formula change made her a much happier camper, it also corrected her constipation troubles.  When the pediatrician told me, "I've never seen a baby on this formula with anything other than soft stools" I was a bit skeptical.  And this is why I'm not a pediatrician with my own practice.  In the height of her colic/gas & constipation her poop was kinda light greenish and super firm.  After the change over to Nutramigen it usually looks like scrambled eggs in her diaper.  That is the best way I can describe it.  If I ruined you fondness for eggs, I'm not sorry because I really can't eat them cause they make me doubled over in pain.  If I can't have them, then you should at least have to think of poop when you have them!

OK, now to be completely graphic & gross.  If you see her actually doing the deed, which it's happened a few times, this poop is best described as juicy.  Did I do it again?  Ruin something else this time?  Sorry.  :p  Since the absorbency of the diaper just zaps up the liquid, it leaves just the eggy stuff behind.  She is very explosive & generous with the quantity.  The girl still has wicked gas, just not the "I'll scream until you shoot your face off with a bazooka to stop your ears from bleeding" kind.  So to review, Little C's poops are large, loud, explosive, juicy then eggy.

Fast forward to 5am Thursday morning.  I am so tired.  K already left for work at 4am.  Little C is fussing and rolling all over her pack & play bassinet.  I peel my eyeballs open and sit on the edge of the bed blinking furiously to try to get them to work.  They hurt too.  But only when they are open.  I stand up & sit right back down because, well, I kinda fell back down, but whatev.  I stand up again, slower this time and make my way to the dresser where I stash some bottles, water & formula.  I mix her up a 6 ouncer and pick the cuteness that is my Little C up and go sit on the bed with her and she drinks.

Her beautiful little eyes look up at me while she drinks and they flutter a little bit.  As tired as I am, I wouldn't ever give up those moments of *girl talk* we share in the wee hours of morning.  I burp her, kiss her, snuggle her...man I love this mommy gig.  I then lay her down to change her.  We play "stinky feet" and I strip her diaper off & wipe her down with a wipe.  I have her cute little ankles in my hand and as I'm lifting her up to slip the fresh clean diaper under her, she sneezes.  She has the cutest sneezes by the way.  Her sneeze was so forceful though that it also caused her to fart at the same time.  I wouldn't know anything about that ::side eyes:: but I'm sure its happened to you too.  Apparently the sneeze was so forceful it not only cause her to fart, but to also shoot a pile of juicy poop out onto my bed.  She looked up at me and smiled.  A huge, cheesy, gummy grin.  Then squirted out more while I just sat there holding her feet & looking on in horror.

I froze.  Then I almost cried because it was 5am.  Then I just laughed.  So hard I nearly woke up Big C.  I'm not sure if I just temporarily lost my marbles, or if it was that grin on her face when she let loose the second half, or of it was the sneeze, then fart then explosion, but I just couldn't help myself.  I didn't really feel like stripping the bed at 5am, but this kid is so darn cute, the laugh was worth it.  It may sound silly too, but I thought I would have gotten mad, not at her, but at myself for not being more careful.  And I didn't!  Which is progress for me on the PPD front.

I cleaned up my snuggle bunny, wrapped her up in a snuggly swaddler and put her back to bed, then proceeded to clean up the mess.  By the way, the Oxyclean stain spay...AHHHmazing!  My mattress looks like nothing ever happened!  Anywho, I think I can say that motherhood has made me insane.  And ya know, I kinda like it. ;)  What disaster has your little one done that made you laugh instead of cry when you clearly could have?

Balls In My Kitchen

I'm not sure for the reason.  I can't claim that I could ever know what is going on in Big C's mind.  What I am puzzled at though is why he feels the need to throw every single ball he owns into the kitchen.  I've nearly killed myself a few times blindly stepping on one of them and almost going ass over tin cups.  He is insistent about it too.  If I throw them back over the gate into the living room, within seconds he has them back into the kitchen.

Take Tuesday for example.  I was in the kitchen frying chicken.  All of the balls were laying on the kitchen floor and I had been navigating around them for a little while.  I got tired of that and dammit, this is my kitchen.  He has the entire living room and dining room that is his to have his stuff strewn all over.  I go around the kitchen picking up the Ironman beach ball, the mini blue soccer ball, two tennis balls and three balls from the busy ball popper toy.  I chuck them back over the gate into the living room.  Big C is working on one of his wooden puzzles and watching TV.  Yes, I put the TV on for him while I'm cooking in the kitchen or getting stuff done around the house.  He's watching educational stuff, so don't judge me.  Sometimes I let him sit in the high chair in the kitchen and watch me cook & talk to him.  But only when he feels like it.  Otherwise he'd just scream & want to go play with his toys in the other room.

As I was standing at the stove, I heard a "thoonk!"  I turned around to see the Ironman beach ball rolling under the kitchen table.  I look back at my skillet and again I hear something smacking against the kitchen floor.  "Thunk!"  Here comes the mini blue soccer ball.  The way my kitchen is set up, and I hate it, the edge of the counter blocks the doorway to my living room.  So I can't see the gate or Big C.  But I look in that direction and I'm watching busy ball popper balls whizzing past the chairs.  I run over and grab them before they roll under the fridge and I throw them back over the gate.  Again, within seconds they come flying back at me.

Cliff the bulldog stays in the kitchen when Big C is out playing.  Cliff is old, he can't see well and frankly, I've been around dogs my entire life, I breed, show and I've assisted my vet with c-sections on my girls.  I can raise puppies with the best of them and come puppy time, my room looks like a NICU, incubator, oxygen concentrators the whole deal.  So I am pretty well versed when it comes to the canine species.  I know enough to know that ANY animal can bite and it only takes an instant.  With Cliff not hearing and seeing as well as he used to, Big C could easily startle him and cause him to react by snapping.  I'm not willing to take that chance.  Big C could lose his face, a hand or his life.  Cliff is happy to hang out in the kitchen until nap time, bed time and meal times when Big C is in his high chair.

Big C also has a set of Fisher Price bowling pins & ball.  How the purple ball has remained out of the rotation is anyone's guess.  But the pins make their way into the kitchen.  These pins are HEAVY too.  Like, if you dropped one on your bare foot you'd be letting out a long line of expletives. Because the heads of these pins are round, I am guessing that Big C views these as balls too.  And happily throws them into the kitchen as well.  Except they are a little too heavy to throw so he just kinda drops them.  Usually, poor Cliff is laying right in front of the gate and has gotten cracked on the noggin a few times.  Afraid the poor dog is going to get brain damage, I've since been yelling at him for throwing things into the kitchen.  I have been able to give him the hairy eyeball so to speak and tell him to "Put it back" and actually have him do it.  So far it has only worked with the bowling pins.  Which is a good thing, since they are responsible for poor Cliffy seeing birdies flying around his head.

Hope Floats

~ Expect to have hope rekindled. Expect your prayers to be answered in wondrous ways. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again ~ Sarah  Ban Breathnach

We say it a lot.  "I hope..." has been at the beginning of many sentences for me throughout the years.  But I'm not sure I really understood what "Hope" meant.  I can look it up in the dictionary and get the definition.  But that isn't what I'm talking about.  Hope can be many different things to many different people.  Some use the term loosely while others take much caution.

When we are young, it normally takes the form of a wish.  A deep desire to "have" something.  For a child, it might be a special toy.  To the teenager, the affections of a secret crush.  As we get older though and we have experienced life, many of us come to realize that even though we have our own free will, that God has a plan for each and every one of us.  If it is His will, then it shall be done.  No matter how much we hope for a different outcome.  But being an adult, we also begin to rely more on our faith, than on our hope.  We have faith that God will provide and take care of us because we know he will, we don't have to wish for it.  

But hope isn't just a wish and it isn't just faith.  It is a combination of both.  It is something that drives us to continue to have faith to continue the fight to make that wish a reality.  

~When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."~

This lead me to examine what it is that gives me hope?  That list could be endless.  When my babies smile at me, it gives me hope that someday they will know how much I love them.  On days when I feel inadequate, like I could be so much better than I am, hope tells me that tomorrow will be better, if I fight hard enough for it.  Hope is the contented sigh of Little C, as she snuggles deeper into my neck at 4am after I've finished feeding her.  It tells me that she feels safe with me, she trusts me and that she loves me.  Sometimes, it is the wet, sloppy kisses from Big C, when I don't even ask for them.

My hope is that I overcome postpartum depression.  My wish is that my children never feel its effects.  I have faith in God that it won't.

What is it for you?

Sleep! Where Are You?!

I'm completely wired at the moment.  However I am completely blank on a post topic, but too tired to delve into the one I've already started.  I know, it's sad.  But I didn't want 3 straight weeks of Wordless Wednesdays.  That makes me feel terrible!  I have lots of things to write about.  Well, maybe a few interesting ones.  And I'm going to stop rambling now because I'm making an ass out of myself.

I Blinked

And I honestly think I missed about 4 days.  WTH?  I know I took Little C in for her 2 month check up on Monday and she is 12 lbs.  TWELVE POUNDS people!!!  My baby...my little newborn is a whopping 12 pounds.  So much has happened this week and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all.  I almost feel like I am buzzing, if that makes any sense at all.  Almost like I can't turn off.  But I am...I think.  Although I am waking up dogass tired in the morning.  But, I do have a baby...with colic...and reflux....so...yeah. 

I had to have Martha, my bulldog euthanized yesterday.  I spoke in a previous post about her lymphoma diagnosis.  It progressed faster than expected.  It broke my heart to let her go, although just by looking at her I knew she had a few days, if that.  She crashed from a chemo treatment and although she was recovering from that, the cancer was getting out of control and quickly.  It has been 3 weeks since her diagnosis.  I pray that if I succumb to that disease I go as quickly.  Such a horrific disease that knows no boundries and doesn't discriminate.  After being on medication for my PPD for the last 3.5 weeks I am feeling a bit better, but some things bother me.  Like feeling incredibly sad at the loss of my dear sweet Martha, but not being able to *cry* for her.  I suppose it will take another few weeks for the medication to adjust fully.  Its little things like that, that will take some getting used to.  Otherwise, I am better.  Not nearly as irritable or weepy.  Don't get me wrong, I have my moments...they just seems to be less frequent.  And that I am happy about.

This long weekend is almost over and I don't know where it went or what the heck I spent it doing, other than the obvious. ::points to above paragraph::  I'm disappointed because I felt like I have had no time with my hubs this weekend or the kiddos.  And I still have quite a few other irons in the fire.  BTW, I'm working on several other posts if y'all are interested.  One is Little C's birth story and the other is about K and I and our beginning.  It is taking me a while because I need to dig up some pictures and stuff for the posts.  But stay tuned...that is if you wanna know about it.  Anyway.  I gotta go do some stuff.  I can't sit around for too long today.  Too much to do and not enough time to do it.  Story of my life!