I Thought I Knew

For a while there, I thought I knew who I was, what I was doing and what my goals for the future were.  I'm not so sure anymore.  I've been withdrawn lately.  Seems the only thing I really even get joy out of lately are my kids.  While often I feel like I'm on the verge of a freak out, they are still my greatest joy.  Honestly, I don't know a parent who doesn't feel like losing it sometimes.  Children are a test of patience and understanding.  But I wouldn't ever change having them.  Sometimes I wish I could grab hold of myself and yell in my own face to get myself together.  Motivation has reached almost a non-existent level while the feeling of being alone is bigger and badder than ever and stubbornly refuses to take a hike.  I feel like a stranger to myself and everyone else, well I feel like I barely even know them.  My husband, brother, Dad and even my extended family.  Why do I feel this way?  I think, I'm just tired.  Tired of always being the one to put forth the effort.  I'm really pretty much done with trying to be the best friend with the ear to bend, while so rarely I am able to bend the ear of others.  I'm tired of putting forth energy to be playful, romantic, flirtatious and fun in my relationship to have it answered with nothing at all.  And I'm tired of always being the go to girl when someone needs a favor.  My days of being a sucker have come to an end, at least for now.  I know they will return, it is just my nature I suppose.

Where does that leave me now though?  I don't know.  Floating in a sort of limbo I suppose.  Stuck in a funk I just can't seem to shake off.  At least one thing stays constant.  I'm stupid crazy about my kiddos.  Even when I want to rip every hair out of my head because the 2 yr old keeps pushing his sister and she screams if I walk away from her, even if it is a mere 3 feet and I am within sight.  I'm so thankful for my babies, because when I'm with them, I am who I really want to be.  Except when they have me tearing my hair out. :-)

-MoM-

A Beautiful Daughter Turns 1

My Little Girl so Soft and Sweet

Author: Ashley B. Schuster

My Little Girl so Soft and Sweet,
So steadily my heart does beat
With love for you like you’ll never know.
I’d give the world to watch you grow.

Snuggle closer to me still,
Even more with love my heart does fill.

How quiet and still the house is now.
It’s hard for me to imagine how
One day you won’t need me as you do now.
You’ll grow to be a strong, beautiful woman
And have children of your own.
And your sweet, innocent sounds
That made this house a home,
I will store inside my heart,
Dreading the day when we will part.

But until then you’re mine to cherish.
Memories of these moments
I will never allow to perish.

So snuggle closer to me still,
Even more with love my heart does fill,
For my little Girl so soft and sweet.

Almost To A Close

While this year has presented me with the greatest joys and deep heartache, I am thankful for them all.  It has been a long time since I've blogged.  I've been busy with my life and kids and to be perfectly honest, I've lacked the motivation.  I wish I was able to be on top of my game and hammer out a week's worth of posts over the weekend and set them to auto-publish.  But alas, it just isn't the way I do things.  I blog when I am moved to do so.  So I'll attempt to catch you up, bare bones version.  Adding details would only add to the length of a post that will be long enough already.

On September 24, 2010 my baby girl turned 6 months old.  We went to the pediatrician and got her weight and height.  She was perfect.  Right on target.  I was happy.  That evening, K got home from work and had to leave shortly after to head over to the hospital for a sleep study.  I snuggled into bed for the night.  I love K, but he can snore like no ones business.  So it was nice to have the bed to myself and enjoy a quiet, full nights sleep, provided kids didn't wake up.  At 12:27am my phone rang and it was my MIL in Oregon.  I immediately knew something was wrong as she'd never call that late.  I could also tell my her voice that she was very distraught and upset.  The words I heard over the phone will forever be ingrained into my soul..."Dad was killed in a motorcycle accident tonight."

I almost dropped the phone.  Still blurry-eyed and half asleep I stammered and stumbled over my own words, in shock and not able to even get them out right.  Sparing the details as it is still very painful to even think about, I found myself faced with having to drive to the hospital in the wee hours of the morning to tell K that his father had been killed.  How do you do that?  How do you wake him up out of a hospital test and say something like that?  I had no choice.  After driving home he booked the first flight he could get which was later that morning.  

It pained me not to go with him.  But I had the babies here and it just wasn't possible at the time for all of us to go.  I loved my FIL.  He was a wonderful man and just the nicest person I think I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.  I instantly loved him the moment I met him.  He was soft spoken, gentle, amazingly talented and the perfect Grandpa.  My son adored him.  When they were here visiting in April/May, each morning when Big C would wake up, he'd run looking for Grandpa. It breaks my heart that he and Little C will not know what an amazing man their grandfather was.  They have to miss out on him and on their grandmother, my Mom who was my absolute hero.

Part of the reason I've been absent in blogging for so long is trying to find the words to talk about something so painful.  Sometimes writing helps, and other times...you just can't find the words and have to wait until they come on their own.  Despite the unpleasant things that have happened this year, I am thankful that I still have my Dad, who turned 72 last month.  I'm also undeniably thankful that I have 2 beautiful, healthy, intelligent, happy and amazing children that I should be thanking God for, out loud each and everyday.  And though at times I forget to say my prayers and thank Him, I am eternally grateful to Him for all He has given to me.  While I mourn the loss of my dear FIL, I am also thankful to have been able to know him.  That is a blessing in itself because of the man that he was.  My life is more enriched because he was in it, even though the time was too short.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting as this year approaches it's end.  I've alot of things to think about, changes I want to make and looking for the new year to be better than the last.  I'll do my best to make it better, the rest, I'll leave up to God as He really does know best.  I'd like to leave you with a few photos of my FIL...doing what he loved and with who he loved...motorcycles and his grandkids.

George William Jones
Aug. 31, 1946 - Sept. 24, 2010

The Vulcan

Scattered

The last few weeks have been a blur. So many things have happened & I just haven't had the time to write like I'd like. I haven't abandoned the blog. But I really missed the kids this last 2 weeks. Even though I was with them it feels like I wasn't. I'll explain it later, I know it doesn't make much sense. But I am so glad I have them. I took this last week to just bathe myself in their hugs, kisses and snuggles. Enjoying the smiles, giggles and quirks that I so adore.