Almost To A Close

While this year has presented me with the greatest joys and deep heartache, I am thankful for them all.  It has been a long time since I've blogged.  I've been busy with my life and kids and to be perfectly honest, I've lacked the motivation.  I wish I was able to be on top of my game and hammer out a week's worth of posts over the weekend and set them to auto-publish.  But alas, it just isn't the way I do things.  I blog when I am moved to do so.  So I'll attempt to catch you up, bare bones version.  Adding details would only add to the length of a post that will be long enough already.

On September 24, 2010 my baby girl turned 6 months old.  We went to the pediatrician and got her weight and height.  She was perfect.  Right on target.  I was happy.  That evening, K got home from work and had to leave shortly after to head over to the hospital for a sleep study.  I snuggled into bed for the night.  I love K, but he can snore like no ones business.  So it was nice to have the bed to myself and enjoy a quiet, full nights sleep, provided kids didn't wake up.  At 12:27am my phone rang and it was my MIL in Oregon.  I immediately knew something was wrong as she'd never call that late.  I could also tell my her voice that she was very distraught and upset.  The words I heard over the phone will forever be ingrained into my soul..."Dad was killed in a motorcycle accident tonight."

I almost dropped the phone.  Still blurry-eyed and half asleep I stammered and stumbled over my own words, in shock and not able to even get them out right.  Sparing the details as it is still very painful to even think about, I found myself faced with having to drive to the hospital in the wee hours of the morning to tell K that his father had been killed.  How do you do that?  How do you wake him up out of a hospital test and say something like that?  I had no choice.  After driving home he booked the first flight he could get which was later that morning.  

It pained me not to go with him.  But I had the babies here and it just wasn't possible at the time for all of us to go.  I loved my FIL.  He was a wonderful man and just the nicest person I think I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.  I instantly loved him the moment I met him.  He was soft spoken, gentle, amazingly talented and the perfect Grandpa.  My son adored him.  When they were here visiting in April/May, each morning when Big C would wake up, he'd run looking for Grandpa. It breaks my heart that he and Little C will not know what an amazing man their grandfather was.  They have to miss out on him and on their grandmother, my Mom who was my absolute hero.

Part of the reason I've been absent in blogging for so long is trying to find the words to talk about something so painful.  Sometimes writing helps, and other times...you just can't find the words and have to wait until they come on their own.  Despite the unpleasant things that have happened this year, I am thankful that I still have my Dad, who turned 72 last month.  I'm also undeniably thankful that I have 2 beautiful, healthy, intelligent, happy and amazing children that I should be thanking God for, out loud each and everyday.  And though at times I forget to say my prayers and thank Him, I am eternally grateful to Him for all He has given to me.  While I mourn the loss of my dear FIL, I am also thankful to have been able to know him.  That is a blessing in itself because of the man that he was.  My life is more enriched because he was in it, even though the time was too short.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting as this year approaches it's end.  I've alot of things to think about, changes I want to make and looking for the new year to be better than the last.  I'll do my best to make it better, the rest, I'll leave up to God as He really does know best.  I'd like to leave you with a few photos of my FIL...doing what he loved and with who he loved...motorcycles and his grandkids.

George William Jones
Aug. 31, 1946 - Sept. 24, 2010

The Vulcan

Such A Long, Long Time

It seems like it has been forever.  I'm sorry.  I really wish I could be one of those savvy bloggers who can have posts written ahead of time and schedule them to publish so readers have something to read.  I also wish I was able to sit own and pound out a post about some current event, something everyone is talking about while it is actually still a current topic instead of something that happened 4 months ago.  I'm not one of those people as much as I have tried to be in the past.  I'm sure I'm no more busy than any other momma blogger out there.  I just suck at time management maybe.  I really do love blogging, but sometimes there are just things that come before it.  Perhaps it takes me longer to process through things before I can jump on the bandwagon and begin hammering out posts about my life.

The truth is my family has been turned upside down.  When I find the strength to write about it, I will.  Just when things seemed to be going fantastic.  I was kicking PPD's ass, I was freakin' Susie homemaker, I was Super Momma and in an instant that all fell to the wayside because a tragedy hit hard and cracked my hard outer layer and my soft gooey center has found its way to the outside.  That soft place I sometimes share with people that I have a very deep trust.  I found myself with out tape, bandages, a band aid and have been doing my best to keep it contained.  My family and friends are also dealing with their own hurt and the last thing they need is me unable to hold back my own.  Sure misery loves company, but not this kind.  So bear with me as I sort through things and do my best to still be the person I always have been, though somewhat changed.  I'd like to share even this part of my life with you.  But I can't until I'm ready.  I'm getting there.

-MoM-

A Letter to an Earlier Me

Wow!  I am FINALLY getting to participate in a blog hop!  This is my first one so bear with me while I stumble through writing about something I wouldn't have thought to do on my own.


Dear Stacey,

You are 21 and deep in the wallows of grief.  But it will be OK.  You just lost your Momma, your best friend.  I know everyone keeps telling you that she is in a better place now, that she isn't suffering anymore and that time will heal.  And right now, that is so hard to believe.  Mostly because it is pure bullshit.  Time doesn't heal anything.  That wound will forever be there.  You just get used to the pain, that's all.  The next few months are going to be the worst in your life.  But it will get better.

You are going to try to go back to school, but you'll withdraw from classes.  You'll feel alone and you will be sure that you are going to stay that way forever.  Alone.  But I'm going to tell you that you are so wrong.  Because you are going to one day get the balls to buy a computer.  And is the world ever going to open up to you.  You'll meet new people from a lot of places.  Then one night, you will meet...him.  The one that makes your heart kinda race and your stomach do little flip flops.  Don't be scared though.  Self esteem never has been your strong point.  I don't think it is for any fat kid growing up.  You are OK though, you got a thick skin and moved past that.  You're shy though and you still think you are incapable of ever being loved by someone.  That no one could ever find you attractive enough to give a second glance.

He does.  He thinks you are beautiful, smart and ridiculously funny with sometimes a twisted sense of humor.  He won't find out about your potty mouth until a little later.  You will eventually meet him face to face.  It will be awkward, exciting, silly and scary.  However, you'll be glad you took the risk and met him.  You know why?  Because of him, you will get on an airplane for the first time in your life and fly three thousand miles away from home.  The place you've never been away from before.  The views and sights and experiences will be amazing and something you surely will never forget.

Know what else?  He is going to marry you.  The proposal is going to come out a bit...different, you'll both laugh...and cry.  It is going to take time though.  Having a long distance relationship is going to take its toll on both of you.  Those 10 months are going to be agony.  Lots of letter writing, emails and late night chats on the phone.  One night he's going to tell you he found a litter of kittens, 2 days old and near death.  You will coach him on how to get them out of danger and then how to care for them properly.  I kinda hate to break this to you, but he'll be bringing two of those cotton candy long-haired pain in the asses with him.  As an animal lover though, you'll be OK with that, even if you aren't a fan of cats.

I also want you to know that all of those doctors you've been to about your out of control periods, well some were right and some were wrong.  You are going to spend the next 11 years worrying about if you will ever be able to have children.  In about 4 years, it will peak because that is when you are going to get married.  You are going to go from doctor to doctor in hopes of getting a straight answer of what is going on with your reproductive system.  Everyone is going to tell you something different until one day you see a Reproductive Endocrinologist.  He'll tell you he can probably get you pregnant with medicine.  Eventually, you'll find the doctor that you stick with and who will deliver your babies.

What, you say?  Am I serious?  Yes, I am.  You are going to have babies....with an s.  Calm down, they won't be at the same time!  But they will be 14 and a half months apart.  Oh yeah sister, you have your work cut out for you!  But first I have to tell you that it isn't going to happen when you want it to.  See, you get distracted with trying to lose weight so you can be fit and healthy for a pregnancy.  Plus you've been told if you lose weight some of your girly problems will resolve.  So you did lose weight, a lot of it.  But those problems never went away.  Getting preoccupied with married life, a job that is drama central and it never seeming like the right time, you will avoid going back to the RE or talking to the doctor about Clomid.  Instead you tell yourself if it is going to happen, it will happen.

I'm sorry to say that it doesn't happen right away.  Not even after a few years.  You are going to be a bit more desperate by then.  Discussing things like IVF with your husband and the cost.  Knowing full well you will never be able to afford it on your income.  You will consider Clomid again, but find it hard to concentrate because of the hellhole that you call your job.  By the way, J was a way better boss.  She might have been crazy, needy and self absorbed but she never pretended she wasn't privileged.  You will curse the day that douchenozzle L took her place.  Well her and that mousy twat A who couldn't do her own job and did nothing but complain.  The stress from work will become so overwhelming that one day you will tell your boss you can't take anymore of her shit, and that you are quitting.  You'll say it sweetly and sarcastically at the same time and it will be freaking awesome.

Almost married seven years now, K knows you.  He knows you wouldn't have quit if it wasn't something you had to do.  He will tell you that together you'll work things out and don't worry.  One year and many interviews later you'll still find yourself unemployed.  But things are going OK on just one income.  K even gets a raise so things get a little better to boot.  Being a mother is still very much on your mind though.  You have watched A and her 3 children and have longed for your own. One night you are going to break down and cry to K and ask him if he will still love you if you can't ever give him a child.  You'll be terrified of his answer, but don't be.  K will tell you that he married you, not a baby maker.  A feeling of relief will come.  All this time you will think he resents you because you can't get pregnant.

About a month later, your period won't come...again.  You'll do nothing and just wait like you always do.  Until one day while having a funny conversation you feel your boobs and realize that they feel...different.  You'll think maybe its a precurser to your period and you'll be cranky and wicked tired.  Like, the kind of tired you've never experienced before.  During a chat with A you'll ask her if she's ever had her boobs feel heavier, bigger, different and she'll tell you only when she was pregnant.  The she'll stop dead in her tracks on the phone and squee with excitement.  You will blow her off and chuckle telling her it just won't happen that easy.  After a week you won't be able to stand it.  You'll take the test and you'll get a super dark "+" sign.

At that moment your life is going to change as drastically as it did today.  Your world fell apart this morning when the last blip on your mother's heart monitor went flat.  It is going to be hard.  Getting married, getting pregnant and having your children...without your mother being there to see it, experience it and give you advice.  Crying and missing her is really going to be full force during your pregnancy and man, once they are born you are really going to wish she was still here.  The moment you lay eyes on that darling baby the world is going to change again.  The hole that got torn into your heart today will be filled.  So yes, Stacey, things are going to get better.  It won't all be rainbows and unicorns.  Lots of rough spots litter the way.  Life will not get easier...it will get different.  And you?  You are going to be just fine.

By the way...on October 11, 2005, I need you to be more careful when going to work.  I'd like to avoid the head on collision with the bus that ended up breaking your leg.  Being laid up and rehab sucked big time.  Oh, and you'll notice I didn't tell you the sex of your babies.  That is because with at least one of them, you'll want to keep it a surprise until the big day.  Trust me, you won't be disappointed. ::wink::

Love,
Me

Honest Scrap Award

Back on July 25th I received this award from my wonderful friend, Shannon at Confessions of a Resilient Survivor. I've not blogged in a long time so when she reminded me of it, I made a new entry in order to catch up, but did not do an entry for the award. Thank you, Shannon, I've never gotten an award before so it's really cool! The requirements of the award are simple: List the 10 things most people do not know about me. Here we go:

1. I miss my Mom more and more each day that passes. Since I became a mother myself, her absence is hitting me harder. I would really love to have her here to go to for advice, to watch her hold my son, hug him, kiss him and be just plain insane over him, like I know for sure she would have been. When the stresses of being a mommy push me to tears, I wish she was here for me to go to and get a big hug from her and understanding nod from someone who has been there done that and could write the book on it. Now that I am pregnant with my second child, I feel those emotions and desires flooding back again even stronger. Wonder how am I gonna do this with two. However, even though she may not be here physically, I know she is watching out for me. I know she is with me and that she is hugging my babies every chance she gets, I just can't see it.

2. Sometimes, I don't enjoy being a dog breeder. It can be heart-breaking. It is my clear passion and has been since I was a kid. It was something my Mom and I did as a team. I put countless hours into raising puppies. Money, I don't even want to begin to think of how much I've spent over the years. But it's a hobby that I love, and one that hurts too. Nothing sucks more than sitting up all night feeding, caring for and nurturing those sweet little angels only to have one or more take a turn for the worse and all your hard work is for naught. Or losing your bitch during an emergency c-section. It is something that is so rewarding...not only because I have produced wonderfully well-rounded, healthy and structurally sound puppies worthy of being champions. But when the right puppy is placed with the right family...the joy it brings them is something than cannot be manufactured. It makes my heart sing when I hear folks say, "This is the most amazing dog we have ever owned. She/He is like one of our children and we have never been so happy." But the endless nights crying and holding a puppy who is cold, lifeless and gasping for it's last breath is overwhelming. And I tell myself all the time that I just can't do this anymore, that it hurts too much. The next time around, I think things might be better, so I try again. Must just be a glutton for punishment.

3. I'm addicted to office supplies. Specifically pens. I don't know why, I just am. I love having all different types of them at my disposal, though I don't and never will use them all, I can't seem to just toss them.

4. I haven't bought a new pair of sneakers in 14 years. I'm still wearing the same ones. I just haven't found ones that I really like yet.

5. I'm actually a very shy person at heart. I push myself to be outgoing and talkative because no one wants to be friends with a wall flower. It seems like I make friends easily, but I don't. I make acquaintances easily. Friends, well I've only made a handful over the years that I actually consider "friends". I'm learning to trust people less and less. And that is so sad.

6. I love classical music. I couldn't tell you which piece was composed by whom or even the name of the piece. I just know I enjoy listening to it.

7. I have recurring dreams of tornadoes and they freak me out. A phobia perhaps, but not one in which I cannot function in my everyday life. I'm just plain scared of them and I fear for my family and my animals if one were to hit. Needless to say, you'll never find me living in Tornado Alley.

8. I don't like cats. I don't hate them, but they aren't my pets of choice, although I always find myself with one around. Perhaps if they were more like dogs I'd like them alot more.

9. There are so many things I want to do with and in and on my home, but I'll never get to do it. I will never be able to afford it. I enjoy dreaming about what I could do to make things more like I'd prefer. I know they are pipe dreams and will never happen.

10. I worry about my family all the time. We have our share of health problems. But those people inside these walls are my life. The only family I have. And between their age and health issues, I find myself scared of the inevitable coming too soon. Sure I know I'll never be prepared. And I started my family late, which is no ones fault. I just want everyone to have enough time to enjoy one another. It's bad enough my children will not know their Grandmother, I want them to have a good solid knowledge of who their family is and how much they are loved by them.

Thank you again for the award, Shannon. I'm not passing it on just yet, I don't really have anyone in mind. But when I do, I will make sure to pass it along.

-MoM-