Balls In My Kitchen

I'm not sure for the reason.  I can't claim that I could ever know what is going on in Big C's mind.  What I am puzzled at though is why he feels the need to throw every single ball he owns into the kitchen.  I've nearly killed myself a few times blindly stepping on one of them and almost going ass over tin cups.  He is insistent about it too.  If I throw them back over the gate into the living room, within seconds he has them back into the kitchen.

Take Tuesday for example.  I was in the kitchen frying chicken.  All of the balls were laying on the kitchen floor and I had been navigating around them for a little while.  I got tired of that and dammit, this is my kitchen.  He has the entire living room and dining room that is his to have his stuff strewn all over.  I go around the kitchen picking up the Ironman beach ball, the mini blue soccer ball, two tennis balls and three balls from the busy ball popper toy.  I chuck them back over the gate into the living room.  Big C is working on one of his wooden puzzles and watching TV.  Yes, I put the TV on for him while I'm cooking in the kitchen or getting stuff done around the house.  He's watching educational stuff, so don't judge me.  Sometimes I let him sit in the high chair in the kitchen and watch me cook & talk to him.  But only when he feels like it.  Otherwise he'd just scream & want to go play with his toys in the other room.

As I was standing at the stove, I heard a "thoonk!"  I turned around to see the Ironman beach ball rolling under the kitchen table.  I look back at my skillet and again I hear something smacking against the kitchen floor.  "Thunk!"  Here comes the mini blue soccer ball.  The way my kitchen is set up, and I hate it, the edge of the counter blocks the doorway to my living room.  So I can't see the gate or Big C.  But I look in that direction and I'm watching busy ball popper balls whizzing past the chairs.  I run over and grab them before they roll under the fridge and I throw them back over the gate.  Again, within seconds they come flying back at me.

Cliff the bulldog stays in the kitchen when Big C is out playing.  Cliff is old, he can't see well and frankly, I've been around dogs my entire life, I breed, show and I've assisted my vet with c-sections on my girls.  I can raise puppies with the best of them and come puppy time, my room looks like a NICU, incubator, oxygen concentrators the whole deal.  So I am pretty well versed when it comes to the canine species.  I know enough to know that ANY animal can bite and it only takes an instant.  With Cliff not hearing and seeing as well as he used to, Big C could easily startle him and cause him to react by snapping.  I'm not willing to take that chance.  Big C could lose his face, a hand or his life.  Cliff is happy to hang out in the kitchen until nap time, bed time and meal times when Big C is in his high chair.

Big C also has a set of Fisher Price bowling pins & ball.  How the purple ball has remained out of the rotation is anyone's guess.  But the pins make their way into the kitchen.  These pins are HEAVY too.  Like, if you dropped one on your bare foot you'd be letting out a long line of expletives. Because the heads of these pins are round, I am guessing that Big C views these as balls too.  And happily throws them into the kitchen as well.  Except they are a little too heavy to throw so he just kinda drops them.  Usually, poor Cliff is laying right in front of the gate and has gotten cracked on the noggin a few times.  Afraid the poor dog is going to get brain damage, I've since been yelling at him for throwing things into the kitchen.  I have been able to give him the hairy eyeball so to speak and tell him to "Put it back" and actually have him do it.  So far it has only worked with the bowling pins.  Which is a good thing, since they are responsible for poor Cliffy seeing birdies flying around his head.

I Blinked

And I honestly think I missed about 4 days.  WTH?  I know I took Little C in for her 2 month check up on Monday and she is 12 lbs.  TWELVE POUNDS people!!!  My baby...my little newborn is a whopping 12 pounds.  So much has happened this week and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all.  I almost feel like I am buzzing, if that makes any sense at all.  Almost like I can't turn off.  But I am...I think.  Although I am waking up dogass tired in the morning.  But, I do have a baby...with colic...and reflux....so...yeah. 

I had to have Martha, my bulldog euthanized yesterday.  I spoke in a previous post about her lymphoma diagnosis.  It progressed faster than expected.  It broke my heart to let her go, although just by looking at her I knew she had a few days, if that.  She crashed from a chemo treatment and although she was recovering from that, the cancer was getting out of control and quickly.  It has been 3 weeks since her diagnosis.  I pray that if I succumb to that disease I go as quickly.  Such a horrific disease that knows no boundries and doesn't discriminate.  After being on medication for my PPD for the last 3.5 weeks I am feeling a bit better, but some things bother me.  Like feeling incredibly sad at the loss of my dear sweet Martha, but not being able to *cry* for her.  I suppose it will take another few weeks for the medication to adjust fully.  Its little things like that, that will take some getting used to.  Otherwise, I am better.  Not nearly as irritable or weepy.  Don't get me wrong, I have my moments...they just seems to be less frequent.  And that I am happy about.

This long weekend is almost over and I don't know where it went or what the heck I spent it doing, other than the obvious. ::points to above paragraph::  I'm disappointed because I felt like I have had no time with my hubs this weekend or the kiddos.  And I still have quite a few other irons in the fire.  BTW, I'm working on several other posts if y'all are interested.  One is Little C's birth story and the other is about K and I and our beginning.  It is taking me a while because I need to dig up some pictures and stuff for the posts.  But stay tuned...that is if you wanna know about it.  Anyway.  I gotta go do some stuff.  I can't sit around for too long today.  Too much to do and not enough time to do it.  Story of my life!

I Thought We Were In The Home Stretch

With the acid reflux.  But no.  Little C had her 2 month check up on Monday.  Things went well.  She is in the 60-75th percentiles for height & weight and 90% for head size, which Dr. L said was just fine.  She has that nice, round c-section head shape.  Anyway, we discussed her crying/colic situation.  And he saw it first hand for himself.  It is his opinion that even though the gas issue has improved that she is hypersensitive.  Meaning she will cry at the drop of a hat if she is disturbed.  He told me not to worry and that most babies do grow out of this at about 3-4 months.  So, we will see, we've 4-6 more weeks to go.  He reflux seemed to be getting under control until Tuesday night.  It was horrible.  She was spitting up every single time I burped her, bringing it through her nose and then going into a flat out panic, squeezing her eyes shut, shaking, unable to catch her breath and then finally screaming hysterically.  Even after the episode was over I noticed her squeezing her hands tightly into fists, arching her back and throwing her legs straight out, literally she probably could have stood straight up if I had been holding her that way, while she screamed.  Not cried.  Oh no.  This was flat out hysterical, panicked screaming that clearly says, "Something is wrong."  It was the kind of scream where you knew immediately it meant "I am in pain."  I couldn't get her to eat any more formula either.  I finally got her settled down and she did sleep through the night.  She awoke at 4:30am and drank her whole 4 ounce bottle and we had no problems.  I was relieved.

Then came later that morning.  I tried to feed her again at 8:30am.  The same thing happened.  She drank, burped and spit up bringing it through her nose, panicked, screamed, cried and continued writhing in pain, refusing to drink any additional formula.  I called the pediatrician and told him what was going on.  He told me to stop the Zantac and called in a script for Prevacid.  Hoping this will remedy her problem.  I do too.  Things have been unchanged thus far, but she has only had 2 doses.  I worry that I can't get her to drink more than 2-3 ounces at a feeding.  She is clearly not herself.  And although she may be hypersensitive and crying a lot, she is still my sweet girl and I want her crying because she can cry, not because she is in pain.

This is a real blow for me considering the PPD.  The feelings of being inadequate and worthless as a mother did rear their ugly heads yesterday.  It happened during the time that Little C was screaming and crying so hard that I broke down and I cried with her.  I yelled at God and asked why He was doing this to me, to immediately apologize to Him and again feel guilty and shameful over my outburst and inability to control myself from yelling like a loon at the crucifix on my wall.  I looked at my screaming baby, in obvious pain and distress and could do nothing.  Nothing.  I can't make this go away.  Helpless.  I can't even soothe her when she gets like this.  She almost has to cry herself out because she gets into such hysterics and that also scares me.  I don't want my baby doing this to herself day after day.

I've also got other things going on that isn't helping my situation.  The dog with cancer is at the vet.  I'm waiting to hear back from him as I type this.  While I was at the pediatrician with Little C on Monday, my brother called me to tell me, Savannah...my very old Bulldog died.  Granted I know she was old, less than 2 months shy of her 14th birthday, which is unheard of in Bulldogs.  Still, it was something I wish wouldn't have had to happen NOW.  And I don't even want to get into the situation with one of the horses.  Ugh...she really gouged herself up and so I've been playing veterinarian to her as well.  Having to come in and shower before I can touch my kids because I certainly am not going to transmit any kind of infection/bacteria from the animals outside to my kids.  Again, it would have been nice if this didn't happen at all...but especially not now.

Oh and I also didn't mention my father getting into a car accident on Saturday.  He was rear ended by a driver in a SUV who was then hit by the car behind him.  My dad was waiting to make a turn when the guy behind him tried to go around him, he must have been in a big hurry and plowed into the back of my dad's car.  Its an old car...a 1986 Buick.  So there was no collision on it.  And they are going to total it since it can't be driven.  If they decide they can fix it I'll be very surprised.  My Dad hit his head, blacked out for a few minutes and had a good bit of bleeding.  But he refused treatment saying with was only a scratch and that he was fine.  I begged him to let me take him to the hospital or to an urgent care facility at least.  And he refused...telling me he didn't want to hear any more about it.  My Dad is 71.  He is the only grandparent these kids really have as my in-laws are 3,000 miles away in Oregon and my mother is dead.  Big C adores my father.  This has been stressing me out.  I love my father and he is the only parent I have left as well.  I don't want anything happening to him because of his stubborness and refusal to see a doctor.  Especially if it could have been avoided altogether.  But what else can I do?  I can't *make* him.  And I tried.  I laid guilt trips on him and everything and he won't budge.

I so need to find the strength to get us all through this.  Now if only someone could drop a big chunk of it in my lap for me.

I Became a Mother on November 1st!

Well, sort of. Joy, one of my bulldogs, had her c-section on Nov. 1st around 6pm. Born on All Saints Day, they are a blessing. I love having babies. It is almost always frustrating, grueling, sometimes heartbreaking, worrisome and awe inspiring. I can't accurately describe how much joy they really bring to me and how amazing it is to experience. I do have 2 of the puppies, who were born with a cleft palate, at home. I was all set to make the decision to have them humanly euthanized if there were any puppies who had serious life threatening problems. The vet asked me if I wanted to take them home, and I did think about it. I'm due to have my own baby in about 7 weeks, and caring for a litter of pups is taxing enough, let alone providing additional care for sick puppies who need constant attention. I couldn't do it. All my other breeder friends told me I should, and kudos for me for even bothering to mess with them, but alas, they are my babies. They did not ask for this, nor did they ask to be born. They are ultimately my responsibility, healthy or otherwise. I'd rather bring them home and give them a chance at survival, no matter how slim it may be, then to just put them to death and never look back.

My babies know me, they feel...they can feel cold, hunger, pain and yes, they can feel love. When they snuggle down onto my chest and fall asleep listening to the beat of my heart, they are content, even for a brief moment. Both of these puppies may ultimately perish, but at least I know I tried, for their sake. The other 5 puppies are doing well and are just gorgeous. I'm very proud of them. As a matter of fact, I just snuck onto the laptop because they are asleep after nursing on their mother a while ago. I am watching them as they lay on their backs, little feet kicking into the air and mouths moving, mimicking the sucking motion they are perfecting each time they are with momma. The other two puppies stay with me on the bed as they are tube fed, in order to bypass the cleft so they don't suck milk into their lungs. I have them in oxygen as well to make it easier for them to get the O2 they need.

In other news, I can tell my own due date is quickly approaching. I'm getting Braxton-Hicks contractions everyday now, and they are quite often. My body is gearing up and practicing for what will be the most difficult and the most incredible thing I will ever do in my lifetime. I'm growing anxious, but I'm still nervous about what to expect. I've decided on natural childbirth, if the good Lord sees to it that I won't need emergency help by a c-section, etc. Yeah, I know, wish me luck. But I have to tell you, after having two spinal taps done and getting a spinal headache after both which had me flat on my back for 3 weeks each time....I'll deal with the pain of childbirth. I want to be able to actually hold my baby rather than laying flat for 3 weeks waiting for a hole in my spinal column to seal.

That is pretty much what is going on here in a nutshell. Yesterday, in addition to also being Election Day, was my father's birthday. I spent the evening before baking him a sponge cake from scratch as his birthday cake, (sponge is his favorite *smiles*) and preparing for the celebration the next day. We enjoyed ourselves very much! I also went and got my flu shot and spoke to the doctor who will be caring for my newborn, just getting everything finalized before my next OB visit which is the 11th. In another 2 weeks I'll be getting my bag for the hospital packed and set near the door.

As much as I love, adore and dote on my puppies, I have to admit I'm really looking forward to being a mommy...to my own child, who is now telling me it's time for lunch by kicking me hard! I'm not sure when I'll be able to post again, things are very busy right now. So, if you haven't heard from me, I haven't called or chatted with you, call me! I'll appreciate the friendly voice! Until next time...

-S-