K and I got married in August of 2001. And although we didn't immediately start trying to have a baby, we didn't prevent it either. I've battled with female troubles since I was 14 years old. Had my first D&C @ 14 then had to have another @ 16. My hormones have never cooperated and were in *wacky* mode all the time. Skipping a period or 2 then bleeding non-stop for the better part of 8 weeks. I have been put on probably 3/4 of the birth control pills known to man in order to try to regulate my cycle. Some worked, some didn't. I've had ovarian cysts in the past as well. After I got married, I began weaning myself off the BC pills...hoping that my cycles would continue to be normalish. And for a while they were. Normalish for me is just having a cycle once a month. I never have and never will be an every xx day kinda girl. One month it'll be a 25 days cycle, the next month it's 32 days. Long story short, after a few months I kicked the BC completely and was cycling once a month. The months passed, and so did the years and I never conceived. Hubs and I pretty much gave up on the notion of it happening for us. We talked and thought about fertility treatments of various sorts and the potential of having to consider IVF if Clomid wasn't successful. And IVF was just something we could not afford. We just didn't have that kind of money to put out in a chunk. So we decided that if God had planned for us to have a child or children, then it would happen. It was out of our hands. God did have a plan and he did give us a beautiful son. He decided when, not me. You know, 6+ years is a long time when you are TTC. I know what the longing feels like. I know that twinge you feel when you see mothers with their babies. When you see friends and family having babies, and there you sit with an empty womb and empty arms. I was never jealous, but I did hope that one day, I'd have a baby of my own to love and cherish.
I follow many blogs. And I have been there with you when you have written about your disappointment of a BFN. The profoundness of experiencing a loss, be it before or after a delivery. I have sat here and shed countless tears for you...with you. I have prayed for you. I have gone to bed at night thinking of you and admiring your strength, courage and faith. For those of you that have experienced wonderful things after such heartbreak, I have laughed, jumped up and down and cried with happiness for you. And for those still waiting, I wait with you, praying and hoping that you find the happiness you are seeking. I'm not a stalker...seriously. But just so you know, you have another person in your corner, rooting you on and ready to celebrate your victory.
OK, so I know that was a bit heavy so on to 29 week news. I see my doctor again in a few weeks and I really need to ask him. "Why does my crotch feel like it's going to fall out?" No, really. It's not the baby-feels-like-it-is-going-to-fall-out pressure. It's my pelvis. I think I can hear it crying. It hurts SO bad. It hurts to just walk, but if I try to swing a leg over a gate, or heck just lift it up high enough to step into the tub to take a shower it feels as though it is going to crumble. I never had this with my first pregnancy, so I am assuming it might have something to do with only having 6 months to recover from a 9 month pregnancy and a c-section before getting pregnant again. By week definition I am 7 months pregnant. I've been experiencing and expecting discomforts. But this one in particular is totally new for me.
Sleeping is off and on sucky. Some nights are good, others...meh. Half of it is because I get clogged and can't breathe...thank you sinuses and allergies. I'm still tired, but I found myself needing a nap while the boy napped this morning. Not that I felt like taking a nap. I mean I needed it. The babe still moves a bit erratically, which throws me into panic mode. But I keep reminding myself as long as I feel something no matter how subtle, things are OK. This was the part that drove me crazy with Big C. I wanted him out because I couldn't stand not being able to *check* on him all the time. So if he decided to take a snoozer day, I freaked thinking something was wrong. On the same note, I wanted him in because inside he was protected from all the outside dangers.
I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and I'm coming to the realization while talking to her that being a parent, a mommy isn't just hard in the sense of the word. But I find myself worrying about Big C all the time. I mean even in the sense of him being an adult. I want him to grow up into a good man. Not an alcoholic or drug addict or a player who just uses and manipulates women. I want him to want to be a good man himself. I don't want him doing stupid things like drinking and driving or getting into a car with someone who has. I see news reports of someone running a child over with a car only to leave the scene and my heart stops for a moment, worried that that fate could find my son. And that is only part of it. More immediately the thoughts rolling in my head are how boys do silly and risky things to show off. How am I going to teach him to be cautious without being afraid to try new things? I mean sometimes it can be a fine line between going out for the football team and wanting to do stunts on a dirt bike. No, really!
I don't want to be the crazy mother who never lets him do anything, or sends him out of the house with bubble wrap duct taped to his entire body. But I also don't want to just let him "Live & Learn". I can't. He is a child and doesn't know *how* live and learn works! What lesson will have been taught to him if he kills himself or ends up in the hospital paralyzed? I am a chronic worry wart. And yeah, I probably should be seeking therapy for it before I make my children worse than me. For now, I'll just continue to pray that he and the baby stay safe, make good decisions and ask the Lord to keep them and protect them. After all it is His plan and if anyone can keep them from harm, it is Him.
-MoM-
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