Missing in Action

I know it's been days since I posted.  And I'm going to try hard to not slip into the *forgetting I have a blog* and not showing back up for months.  But I have a great excuse...I'm sick.  So that's it.  Once I feel better I'll be back to posting with updates on things.  The sonogram appointment, my 32 weeks update, Big C's 1st ear infection and my having panic attacks at 4 in the morning.  Oh yes...there will be lots to catch up on!  But for now...I can't breath through my nose which makes sleeping impossible...and darn it, I'm too tired to hammer out a detailed post.  So...I'm gonna just chill until I feel better!  Be back real soon.

63 Days Left to Go

Its my weekly update and this is for week 31!  I'm starting to get excited.  This pregnancy has been different from my last.  I have another child to take care of this time around.  My days are filled with Big C's feeding, pooping, playing, learning and all around being cute as can be.  That leaves little time to focus on this little babe.  I used to spend hours daydreaming about Big C.  What he would look like, how I would dress him up, all the things I needed to buy and how I would decorate the nursery.  I would badger my husband to help me think of names for our baby and once I knew we were having a boy...boy did my imagination soar.  I thought about all the amazing things I wanted to do with him, places to take him, things to show him and wonder if he'd look like his Daddy or what it would sound like when he spoke his first word.

I feel a little guilty.  Because I've been really focused on Big C, I've not done those things with this babe.  Most of the time I'm so exhausted that when I try to do those things while he takes a nap...I find myself taking one too.  I also don't know if we are having a boy or a girl.  It makes the surprise factor really exciting.  But a little more difficult to envision and daydream about a son or daughter.  I have to daydream about both!  Not to mention, I'm trying to focus on Big C as much as I can.  Before we know it, he won't be the only baby in the house anymore.  I don't want him feeling left out.  So I'm trying to get as much Mommy/Son time as I can with him before I won't have the opportunity to have him completely to myself.  Which is hard when lately he's decided that he only has eyes for his father and I'm chopped liver.  But that is a situation in and of itself that deserves it's own entry...at some point.

So...31 weeks.  Well, I've been feeling OK.  Really tired.  Big surprise there.  Heartburn is kicking my butt.  This pregnancy rhinitis is the pits.  I detest not being able to breathe.  Being clogged sucks.  And if I could actually blow my nose and clear it out, it would be great.  But there isn't much there.  It is all membrane swelling.  So I'm mouth breathing, couple that with my decreased lung capacity from babe taking up space and you have a huffing, puffing, wheezing, nasal-pinched, man-voiced, duck waddling, belly popping preggo chick.  Not a pretty sight.  No, really.

Waddling.  Ugh...at times I still feel like my pelvis is going to crumble.  I know this is all normal...just not comfortable.  It hurts so bad that I can't even attempt to walk normally.  Plus I have edema in the lower portion of my belly which makes bending over or down painful, and I know it will only get worse...I had it with Big C as well.  Since Big C isn't walking on his own, that means I'm running after him and hefting him from the floor up.  He weighs like...30 pounds.  I feel every muscle in my abdomen and pelvis straining each time I pick him up.

I'm peeing every 30 minutes to an hour.  The babe loves hanging out on my bladder.  I've even had 2 accidents.  Both due to sneezing.  They weren't full blown pee your pants...but it was enough.  I'd like to say it's because I'm keeping myself so well hydrated and drinking non-stop.  I drink alright but it's not a full bladder I'm emptying each time.  It's just the pressure from baby.

I still want to eat literally everything in sight.  But I have been minding my p's & q's regarding salt intake.  I've cut out the salt shaker entirely.  I avoid eating things like chips and if I do eat them only a few.  Any more than that sets me off with a raging headache.  Hopefully that will be enough to keep the BP under control.  I do get fuller faster.  So if I'm a Starvin' Marvin' I will try to stop before I finish everything and wait 15 minutes.  By then I really feel the fullness and stop chowing.  If I don't wait and keep going until I feel full, I've gone and pushed myself to the brink of misery of overeating and wanting to puke.  And let's face it, that doesn't help with the heartburn either!

The baby has been moving a lot.  I can't tell you how I adore that feeling.  It is the highlight of my pregnant day.  It is the one thing I miss most about being pregnant once the baby gets here.  I love being pregnant.  Not all the aches and pains and anxiety that go along with it.  But I love having a growing baby inside.  I love kids, and I love babies.  I kid you not...if it weren't for the fact that I am 34 years old, and that my husband and I don't have loads of disposable income, extended family to lend a hand when bring home a new baby or a house big enough...I could totally be the next Michelle Duggar.  OK...well, maybe not that many children.  But I could easily see myself with 5-8 of them.

So right now, I'm trying to spend as much time with my little boy as I can.  Enjoy each and every kick, jab, punch and bobble the babe throws at me, decide on a name, get the gear I need for the new babe together, unpacked or purchased (like a crib).  And think about the dozen other things that will need to happen before bringing home baby #2!

Wish List Wednesday

I've recently started following another blog and she does something called Wish List Wednesday.  In my real life, I don't ask for a whole lot.  I ask the Lord to keep and protect my family, my children, husband and my home including pets/animals.  Keep them safe, healthy and to guide those I love to make the right choices when presented with temptation.  I also include myself in that list.

That being said, the dreamer side of myself would love lots of things!  So this fun blog Wednesday Wish List was perfect for me!  Thank you to Jennifer over at The Foster Family blog for the idea and invitation to join in!

Right now what I'd really love to have is the Hoover Cordless Stick Vac.  I recently had the old, garish carpeting ripped up out of my living room and dining room and had the hardwoods under it refinished.  Clean up is wonderful...BUT.  I have a dog and 2 cats running around.  And the hair that drops off these critters is mind-blowing.  I'm still glad I did it though.  All I need to do is just think about that being trapped in carpeting while Big C sits on the floor playing.  But it does make for a lot of sweeping and dry mopping which is OK...but it just never seems to get *enough* for me.  And since this is Wish List Wednesday and I can put down anything I want...this is it!

Oh yeah..is there another thing I'd love to have.  Maybe even two of them would be nice!  The Healthy Mist Ultrasonic Humidifier by Air Innovations.  My home is so dry in the winter.  My little guy is suffering from dry, inflamed nasal passages (as am I and hubby) and the humidifier in his room (which is a very small room) just isn't cutting it.  It raises the humidity in his room 1% if that.  Most of the time it's exactly the same...and therefore, useless.  But I still run it, case...you know...it might work one day. *Rolls eyes at myself*

So that's it for this week.  Those are the things that would be at the top of my wish list!

A Note To Fellow Bloggers, 29 Weeks Update & Random Thoughts

29 weeks already!  Sometimes it feels like it's going slow, but being busy with Big C has helped in that department.  I think I'm pretty close to making the decision to just go and schedule a c-section.  I'll wait until my next sonogram @ 32 weeks, but I'm almost 100% on going ahead with it.  I have 10 weeks until I get to see and hold this baby.  I still can't believe it sometimes.  I don't want to sound like a broken record here, but I am so truly blessed and thankful to God for my son and this newest baby.  I am not without my own trials that I've had to face, but I have been fortunate to get pregnant on my own, without medical intervention, maintain a healthy pregnancy and deliver (even if by c-section) a healthy, happy handsome little boy.  AND I am fortunate to again been able to conceive, and so far so good on maintaining a healthy pregnancy and I pray it will continue to a problem free delivery and a happy, healthy baby.

K and I got married in August of 2001.  And although we didn't immediately start trying to have a baby, we didn't prevent it either.  I've battled with female troubles since I was 14 years old.  Had my first D&C @ 14 then had to have another @ 16.  My hormones have never cooperated and were in *wacky* mode all the time.  Skipping a period or 2 then bleeding non-stop for the better part of 8 weeks.  I have been put on probably 3/4 of the birth control pills known to man in order to try to regulate my cycle.  Some worked, some didn't.  I've had ovarian cysts in the past as well.  After I got married, I began weaning myself off the BC pills...hoping that my cycles would continue to be normalish.  And for a while they were.  Normalish for me is just having a cycle once a month.  I never have and never will be an every xx day kinda girl.  One month it'll be a 25 days cycle, the next month it's 32 days.  Long story short, after a few months I kicked the BC completely and was cycling once a month.  The months passed, and so did the years and I never conceived.  Hubs and I pretty much gave up on the notion of it happening for us.  We talked and thought about fertility treatments of various sorts and the potential of having to consider IVF if Clomid wasn't successful.  And IVF was just something we could not afford.  We just didn't have that kind of money to put out in a chunk.  So we decided that if God had planned for us to have a child or children, then it would happen.  It was out of our hands.  God did have a plan and he did give us a beautiful son.  He decided when, not me.  You know, 6+ years is a long time when you are TTC.  I know what the longing feels like.  I know that twinge you feel when you see mothers with their babies.  When you see friends and family having babies, and there you sit with an empty womb and empty arms.  I was never jealous, but I did hope that one day, I'd have a baby of my own to love and cherish.

I follow many blogs.  And I have been there with you when you have written about your disappointment of a BFN.  The profoundness of experiencing a loss, be it before or after a delivery.  I have sat here and shed countless tears for you...with you.  I have prayed for you.  I have gone to bed at night thinking of you and admiring your strength, courage and faith.  For those of you that have experienced wonderful things after such heartbreak, I have laughed, jumped up and down and cried with happiness for you.  And for those still waiting, I wait with you, praying and hoping that you find the happiness you are seeking.  I'm not a stalker...seriously.  But just so you know, you have another person in your corner, rooting you on and ready to celebrate your victory.

OK, so I know that was a bit heavy so on to 29 week news.  I see my doctor again in a few weeks and I really need to ask him.  "Why does my crotch feel like it's going to fall out?"  No, really.  It's not the baby-feels-like-it-is-going-to-fall-out pressure.  It's my pelvis.  I think I can hear it crying.  It hurts SO bad.  It hurts to just walk, but if I try to swing a leg over a gate, or heck just lift it up high enough to step into the tub to take a shower it feels as though it is going to crumble.  I never had this with my first pregnancy, so I am assuming it might have something to do with only having 6 months to recover from a 9 month pregnancy and a c-section before getting pregnant again.  By week definition I am 7 months pregnant.  I've been experiencing and expecting discomforts.  But this one in particular is totally new for me.

Sleeping is off and on sucky.  Some nights are good, others...meh.  Half of it is because I get clogged and can't breathe...thank you sinuses and allergies.  I'm still tired, but I found myself needing a nap while the boy napped this morning.  Not that I felt like taking a nap.  I mean I needed it.  The babe still moves a bit erratically, which throws me into panic mode.  But I keep reminding myself as long as I feel something no matter how subtle, things are OK.  This was the part that drove me crazy with Big C.  I wanted him out because I couldn't stand not being able to *check* on him all the time.  So if he decided to take a snoozer day, I freaked thinking something was wrong.  On the same note, I wanted him in because inside he was protected from all the outside dangers.

I was talking to a friend of mine yesterday and I'm coming to the realization while talking to her that being a parent, a mommy isn't just hard in the sense of the word.  But I find myself worrying about Big C all the time.  I mean even in the sense of him being an adult.  I want him to grow up into a good man.  Not an alcoholic or drug addict or a player who just uses and manipulates women.  I want him to want to be a good man himself.  I don't want him doing stupid things like drinking and driving or getting into a car with someone who has.  I see news reports of someone running a child over with a car only to leave the scene and my heart stops for a moment, worried that that fate could find my son.  And that is only part of it.  More immediately the thoughts rolling in my head are how boys do silly and risky things to show off.  How am I going to teach him to be cautious without being afraid to try new things?  I mean sometimes it can be a fine line between going out for the football team and wanting to do stunts on a dirt bike.  No, really!

I don't want to be the crazy mother who never lets him do anything, or sends him out of the house with bubble wrap duct taped to his entire body.  But I also don't want to just let him "Live & Learn".  I can't.  He is a child and doesn't know *how* live and learn works!  What lesson will have been taught to him if he kills himself or ends up in the hospital paralyzed?  I am a chronic worry wart.  And yeah, I probably should be seeking therapy for it before I make my children worse than me.  For now, I'll just continue to pray that he and the baby stay safe, make good decisions and ask the Lord to keep them and protect them.  After all it is His plan and if anyone can keep them from harm, it is Him.

-MoM-

Happy, Happy Birthday Baby

My Dearest Big C,

It was one year ago today that I was first able to lay eyes upon your beautiful face. You are one year old today and I can hardly believe it. I know it has been written before, but I want to tell you again, just so you understand just how much you are loved and how much you were are wanted. It is the story of your life so far...but it started with my own. So listen carefully my darling boy because today, in this letter you will realize that there is no one on Earth who loves you as much as I do.

I always knew I wanted you. From a little girl, I always knew I wanted to be a mommy. I also wanted to be a veterinarian, a doctor and lawyer...but whether or not I ever got to be those things, what never changed was the fact that I wanted to be a mother. Your mother. Partly it stemmed from my own relationship with my mother. I loved her. More than anything. There was no one that could make me feel so loved, so important, so special and so wanted like my mommy. Feeling her arms around me when she hugged me was the best. She was so safe and warm and comfortable. I looked up to her and I longed to one day have a child of my own to pour that love and adoration into. A child that I could raise, watch grow up and be proud of the person I had a hand in shaping and encouraging. I so wanted a baby. I so wanted you.

Your grandma got sick when I was just 6 years old. She nearly died in the hospital. She was supposed to slip into a coma, never to awake while the infection ravaged her body. Her doctor feared it would be imminent, there wouldn't be enough time for the medication to do its job and your grandma would succumb before it ever had a chance to save her. However, your grandma....well she had other plans. She loved your Uncle Jim and I so much, she couldn't bear the thought of leaving us. He was 16 and I was 6 and all she could think about was us. She was so, so tired. Only wanting to close her eyes and go to sleep, even though she knew she would never wake up. But that meant leaving Uncle Jim and I behind. And she just couldn't bear the thought. So your grandma was determined to stay awake. To fight the darkness that was creeping upon her. The only way she could think to stay awake was by keeping her mind sharp. She figured if she said multiplication tables, out loud to keep her mind moving and awake, she might be able to stay awake long enough for the medicine to work. So all night long your grandma laid in her hospital bed, saying her times tables. Nurses looked at her and shook their heads, thinking she was going delirious and that it wouldn't be very long. But something else happened. She started to get a bit stronger. She wasn't as tired and her mind wasn't as clouded. By the next morning she was wide eyed, although very tired from no sleep at all. It wasn't the same kind of tired the infection was causing. Much to everyone's surprise, your grandma wasn't in a coma that morning and she certainly hadn't left us! After some blood work that was done immediately, the doctor was able to see that grandma had improved a little. She fought and she won!

Now it is important that I tell you grandma hadn't completely won the battle. The infection damaged her liver badly and they only gave her two years to live. But we are talking about your grandmother, and there was no way she was going down without a fight. She loved us very much and she tried, Big C. She tried very hard to make it long enough to see you. Because you see...I wanted you, but your grandma wanted you too! She couldn't wait until the day came when I would get pregnant with you and she would get to hold you in her arms. She had big plans for you. She envisioned a little cart, hooked up to one of the miniature horses and you driving the horse down our long driveway. She wanted to teach you all of your nursery rhymes and your ABCs. She wanted to spoil you, love you, adore you, snuggle you and shout to the world how much she loved her grandbaby. And she tried to make it long enough to do those things with you. So even though they said only 2 years, your grandma fought for another 12 years after that. But this time, when she got sick, she couldn't convince her body to listen to her mind. It had plans of it's own and so on June 18, 1997 at 8:36am your grandma left this world to go walk with the Lord in Heaven.

I was 21. I was going to college with plans of being a veterinarian. I quit going just before grandma died so I could help take care of her and spend time with her and be close to her. I had no boyfriend. Marriage wasn't even a thought in my mind. I hadn't ever even been on a date! I was heartbroken when your grandma left us. About a year and a half later, I met your father and fell in love with him. On August 11, 2001 your daddy and I got married. We were going to get married a week earlier, but that fell on your Grandma's birthday and I wanted that day to be her own, so we bumped it up a week. I was 25 years old then. I was so happy. Because I knew that now, I could have you! I had waited for you for so long. But I had to find the man who would be your daddy first! And he wasn't easy to find! After a few years your daddy and I tried for you. But, you wouldn't come. We tried some more, and you just weren't ready to come yet. After almost 7 years, your daddy and I decided that maybe God had decided that you were supposed to go to someone else and not us. So we decided to take a break from trying so hard. That if and when God decided you were to come to us, then it would happen. Well wouldn't you know it? About 6 months later you decided to show up! Finally! I wanted you so badly and for so long and finally you were coming! I was so nervous and so scared that now that I had you, something might happen and I would lose you. I prayed all the time, asking God to protect you, and keep you healthy.

Big C, I don't think I'll ever be able to accurately describe what being pregnant with you was like for me. It was scary and I was an emotional wreck through most of it. I had just wanted you so, so badly. You were all I ever dreamed of and I was so afraid that it was some kind of dream and that I wouldn't be able to hold you in my arms one day. I cried all the time. I hadn't even seen your face and I loved you more than anything in the world. You would party like crazy in my belly and then scare me half to death when you up and stopped because you wore yourself out and needed a day or two to recuperate. On more than one occasion I found myself sitting in the doctor's office waiting for the doppler to hear your heartbeat, only to have you wallop me just as he walked through the door. How I loved feeling you move inside me. The day I longed for was quickly approaching. The day I got to see your face, hold you in my arms and say, "Hello, Son."

The day you were born...one year ago exactly has been the happiest day of my life. Is it really possible to love something...someone so much? Yes, it is. When the doctor pulled you from my uterus during your c-section and poked your head over the big blue tarp and I saw you for the first time...I cried. Tears of joy sprang from my eyes at the sight of the child I had wanted and waited so long for. The moment they put you in my arms and I looked into your beautiful blue eyes was love at first sight. We had a rough start you and I. You cried all the time because you were hungry and I just didn't make enough milk. You turned yellow with jaundice, couldn't got potty and we spent 2 nights with you in the hospital under those bright blue lights. I cried and I prayed for you to get better. I sobbed each time they pricked your little heel to check your blood and after coming home I finally decided no more and put you on formula. You were much happier then. That was a hard decision for me because I wanted to be able to give you everything you needed. But, I had to do it differently now. Those first weeks were wonderful. I rocked you endlessly. Breathing you in, the smell of your freshly washed hair and skin. I loved giving you those little massages and you falling asleep during them. The late nights of just holding you and looking at you. I just couldn't and I still can't get enough of you.

And Big C, it's going by too fast. Before I know it you will be 21. I cherish the moments that I have with you. Our lazy mornings, where you lay over top my leg, sippy cup in hand watching Mickey Mouse. Or when you curl up against me, a little sigh escaping those pouty lips. It's getting harder to hold you, rock you and snuggle because you just want to move and be a part of everything around you. I look at you and my eyes well up because I can still hear the mew-mew-mew you'd make as you took your bottle. The way you'd smack your little lips when I gave you cereal for the first time. I love how you bend your head down repeatedly because you want forehead kisses or how you give us a cheesy grin when you get naked for bath time. How you strain to look over your daddy's shoulder in the bath tub to smile at me. I love how I can look at you and say, "What are you doing?" and you smile mischievously at me and continue to do something you clearly shouldn't.

Over the course of this year I have watched you grow, develop and learn. Its been a year full of sleepless nights, blissful mornings, aching backs, sweet kisses, warm hugs, snugly Pooh bears, temper tantrums, eyes fluttering to the sound of my singing a lullaby, teething, vaccines, a first cold, colic and gas, bilirubin lights, diapers, bottles, toys and baby wipes. Balmex, pacifiers, rice cereal and rubber duckies. Teething rings and cradle swings. Carters onesies, flannel sleepers with feet, disgusting new foods and yummy bananas as treats. You've 8 teeth with a bicuspid making it's debut. You can pull yourself up to standing and stand by yourself without holding on for quite a while now. You have even taken your first step alone on December 23....tiny as it was. Fondness for icy cold milk, splashing, music and dancing and giggling and laughs that make my heart melt. You have made me complete, Big C. For so long you had been missing, but you are here now and I savor each and every moment with you.

So always know sweet baby...You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you.....No one will love you like I do, my baby. Happy Birthday my wonderful, darling, sweet little precious boy.

I love you forever.

Love,

Your Mommy

God's Masterpiece

From graceful lilies pure and white,
God fashioned lovely skin,
Forgetmenots he chose for eyes,
Then formed your baby chin.
He took a tulip bright and red --
'Twas one that did not fade;
A softer, sweeter little mouth
Before was never made.
Another flower next He used --
A rosebud, pink and fair;
Touched it to your dimpled cheeks
And bade it blossom there.
Then with His magic fingers picked
Two morning glories white;
Curled and shaped your little ears,
Soon they were fastened tight.
That crowning bit of golden down
Will soon become your hair;
He gathered pollen from the flowers,
And sprinkled it with care.
For dainty little fingers dear
And precious, tiny toes,
He used slender daisy frills;
A snowdrop made your nose.
This world and all within it
He created here for man;
But Baby was "God's Masterpiece"
Since time and life began!

--Dora Dinsmore