A Bit of A Sabbatical

Like you didn't notice.  Things have been crazy busy here.  Plus, I've been really tired.  And I've been trying to really spend a lot of time with my little guy since in a few short weeks he won't be the only one any longer.  I've had some drama going on at home as well.  Not with my husband mind you.  In fact, he's been my sanity.  My hormones have been really unpredictable and will switch from one to another in record time.  My weekends are just zapped and I feel like I'm barely getting time to spend with my husband and son before the new baby arrives.  We haven't even decided on a name yet.  Yep, less than 4 weeks until baby's arrival and we haven't chosen names yet.  I'm hoping that next weekend will be quieter and we can focus on more family things.  Including preparing for the baby's arrival. 

So, I've had very little time and/or energy for blogging the last few weeks.  I'm sorry about that too.  Not that I have a huge following or people waiting with baited breath to see what I'm going to write next.  But there are a few of you who read on a regular basis, and I thank you!  So no, I haven't forgotten about you!

I'm planning on doing an entry either Saturday or Sunday evening.  I'm scheduled for my next 3D sonogram on Saturday along with getting my taxes done.  Sunday the dog has to be picked up from the vet and Emme's birthday party is finally going to happen!  Poor kiddo has had her first birthday snowed out twice!  So I'll give my 36 week update, the sonogram report and a recant of the festivities of Em's birthday party.  Hopefully I'll have pictures too!

In the meantime, I just wanted to let everyone know that I haven't forgotten about blogging and hopefully things will be a little more settled soon so I can get back to writing more!

Happy, Happy Birthday Baby

My Dearest Big C,

It was one year ago today that I was first able to lay eyes upon your beautiful face. You are one year old today and I can hardly believe it. I know it has been written before, but I want to tell you again, just so you understand just how much you are loved and how much you were are wanted. It is the story of your life so far...but it started with my own. So listen carefully my darling boy because today, in this letter you will realize that there is no one on Earth who loves you as much as I do.

I always knew I wanted you. From a little girl, I always knew I wanted to be a mommy. I also wanted to be a veterinarian, a doctor and lawyer...but whether or not I ever got to be those things, what never changed was the fact that I wanted to be a mother. Your mother. Partly it stemmed from my own relationship with my mother. I loved her. More than anything. There was no one that could make me feel so loved, so important, so special and so wanted like my mommy. Feeling her arms around me when she hugged me was the best. She was so safe and warm and comfortable. I looked up to her and I longed to one day have a child of my own to pour that love and adoration into. A child that I could raise, watch grow up and be proud of the person I had a hand in shaping and encouraging. I so wanted a baby. I so wanted you.

Your grandma got sick when I was just 6 years old. She nearly died in the hospital. She was supposed to slip into a coma, never to awake while the infection ravaged her body. Her doctor feared it would be imminent, there wouldn't be enough time for the medication to do its job and your grandma would succumb before it ever had a chance to save her. However, your grandma....well she had other plans. She loved your Uncle Jim and I so much, she couldn't bear the thought of leaving us. He was 16 and I was 6 and all she could think about was us. She was so, so tired. Only wanting to close her eyes and go to sleep, even though she knew she would never wake up. But that meant leaving Uncle Jim and I behind. And she just couldn't bear the thought. So your grandma was determined to stay awake. To fight the darkness that was creeping upon her. The only way she could think to stay awake was by keeping her mind sharp. She figured if she said multiplication tables, out loud to keep her mind moving and awake, she might be able to stay awake long enough for the medicine to work. So all night long your grandma laid in her hospital bed, saying her times tables. Nurses looked at her and shook their heads, thinking she was going delirious and that it wouldn't be very long. But something else happened. She started to get a bit stronger. She wasn't as tired and her mind wasn't as clouded. By the next morning she was wide eyed, although very tired from no sleep at all. It wasn't the same kind of tired the infection was causing. Much to everyone's surprise, your grandma wasn't in a coma that morning and she certainly hadn't left us! After some blood work that was done immediately, the doctor was able to see that grandma had improved a little. She fought and she won!

Now it is important that I tell you grandma hadn't completely won the battle. The infection damaged her liver badly and they only gave her two years to live. But we are talking about your grandmother, and there was no way she was going down without a fight. She loved us very much and she tried, Big C. She tried very hard to make it long enough to see you. Because you see...I wanted you, but your grandma wanted you too! She couldn't wait until the day came when I would get pregnant with you and she would get to hold you in her arms. She had big plans for you. She envisioned a little cart, hooked up to one of the miniature horses and you driving the horse down our long driveway. She wanted to teach you all of your nursery rhymes and your ABCs. She wanted to spoil you, love you, adore you, snuggle you and shout to the world how much she loved her grandbaby. And she tried to make it long enough to do those things with you. So even though they said only 2 years, your grandma fought for another 12 years after that. But this time, when she got sick, she couldn't convince her body to listen to her mind. It had plans of it's own and so on June 18, 1997 at 8:36am your grandma left this world to go walk with the Lord in Heaven.

I was 21. I was going to college with plans of being a veterinarian. I quit going just before grandma died so I could help take care of her and spend time with her and be close to her. I had no boyfriend. Marriage wasn't even a thought in my mind. I hadn't ever even been on a date! I was heartbroken when your grandma left us. About a year and a half later, I met your father and fell in love with him. On August 11, 2001 your daddy and I got married. We were going to get married a week earlier, but that fell on your Grandma's birthday and I wanted that day to be her own, so we bumped it up a week. I was 25 years old then. I was so happy. Because I knew that now, I could have you! I had waited for you for so long. But I had to find the man who would be your daddy first! And he wasn't easy to find! After a few years your daddy and I tried for you. But, you wouldn't come. We tried some more, and you just weren't ready to come yet. After almost 7 years, your daddy and I decided that maybe God had decided that you were supposed to go to someone else and not us. So we decided to take a break from trying so hard. That if and when God decided you were to come to us, then it would happen. Well wouldn't you know it? About 6 months later you decided to show up! Finally! I wanted you so badly and for so long and finally you were coming! I was so nervous and so scared that now that I had you, something might happen and I would lose you. I prayed all the time, asking God to protect you, and keep you healthy.

Big C, I don't think I'll ever be able to accurately describe what being pregnant with you was like for me. It was scary and I was an emotional wreck through most of it. I had just wanted you so, so badly. You were all I ever dreamed of and I was so afraid that it was some kind of dream and that I wouldn't be able to hold you in my arms one day. I cried all the time. I hadn't even seen your face and I loved you more than anything in the world. You would party like crazy in my belly and then scare me half to death when you up and stopped because you wore yourself out and needed a day or two to recuperate. On more than one occasion I found myself sitting in the doctor's office waiting for the doppler to hear your heartbeat, only to have you wallop me just as he walked through the door. How I loved feeling you move inside me. The day I longed for was quickly approaching. The day I got to see your face, hold you in my arms and say, "Hello, Son."

The day you were born...one year ago exactly has been the happiest day of my life. Is it really possible to love something...someone so much? Yes, it is. When the doctor pulled you from my uterus during your c-section and poked your head over the big blue tarp and I saw you for the first time...I cried. Tears of joy sprang from my eyes at the sight of the child I had wanted and waited so long for. The moment they put you in my arms and I looked into your beautiful blue eyes was love at first sight. We had a rough start you and I. You cried all the time because you were hungry and I just didn't make enough milk. You turned yellow with jaundice, couldn't got potty and we spent 2 nights with you in the hospital under those bright blue lights. I cried and I prayed for you to get better. I sobbed each time they pricked your little heel to check your blood and after coming home I finally decided no more and put you on formula. You were much happier then. That was a hard decision for me because I wanted to be able to give you everything you needed. But, I had to do it differently now. Those first weeks were wonderful. I rocked you endlessly. Breathing you in, the smell of your freshly washed hair and skin. I loved giving you those little massages and you falling asleep during them. The late nights of just holding you and looking at you. I just couldn't and I still can't get enough of you.

And Big C, it's going by too fast. Before I know it you will be 21. I cherish the moments that I have with you. Our lazy mornings, where you lay over top my leg, sippy cup in hand watching Mickey Mouse. Or when you curl up against me, a little sigh escaping those pouty lips. It's getting harder to hold you, rock you and snuggle because you just want to move and be a part of everything around you. I look at you and my eyes well up because I can still hear the mew-mew-mew you'd make as you took your bottle. The way you'd smack your little lips when I gave you cereal for the first time. I love how you bend your head down repeatedly because you want forehead kisses or how you give us a cheesy grin when you get naked for bath time. How you strain to look over your daddy's shoulder in the bath tub to smile at me. I love how I can look at you and say, "What are you doing?" and you smile mischievously at me and continue to do something you clearly shouldn't.

Over the course of this year I have watched you grow, develop and learn. Its been a year full of sleepless nights, blissful mornings, aching backs, sweet kisses, warm hugs, snugly Pooh bears, temper tantrums, eyes fluttering to the sound of my singing a lullaby, teething, vaccines, a first cold, colic and gas, bilirubin lights, diapers, bottles, toys and baby wipes. Balmex, pacifiers, rice cereal and rubber duckies. Teething rings and cradle swings. Carters onesies, flannel sleepers with feet, disgusting new foods and yummy bananas as treats. You've 8 teeth with a bicuspid making it's debut. You can pull yourself up to standing and stand by yourself without holding on for quite a while now. You have even taken your first step alone on December 23....tiny as it was. Fondness for icy cold milk, splashing, music and dancing and giggling and laughs that make my heart melt. You have made me complete, Big C. For so long you had been missing, but you are here now and I savor each and every moment with you.

So always know sweet baby...You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you.....No one will love you like I do, my baby. Happy Birthday my wonderful, darling, sweet little precious boy.

I love you forever.

Love,

Your Mommy

God's Masterpiece

From graceful lilies pure and white,
God fashioned lovely skin,
Forgetmenots he chose for eyes,
Then formed your baby chin.
He took a tulip bright and red --
'Twas one that did not fade;
A softer, sweeter little mouth
Before was never made.
Another flower next He used --
A rosebud, pink and fair;
Touched it to your dimpled cheeks
And bade it blossom there.
Then with His magic fingers picked
Two morning glories white;
Curled and shaped your little ears,
Soon they were fastened tight.
That crowning bit of golden down
Will soon become your hair;
He gathered pollen from the flowers,
And sprinkled it with care.
For dainty little fingers dear
And precious, tiny toes,
He used slender daisy frills;
A snowdrop made your nose.
This world and all within it
He created here for man;
But Baby was "God's Masterpiece"
Since time and life began!

--Dora Dinsmore

Where Does it Go?

I look at my beautiful son and it is hard to believe that in a mere 29 days he will be a year old. An entire year has passed. A year since I first held him in my arms. A year since I first breathed him in. A year since I first called him and he looked at me. A year since his first bath. A year since that first diaper change. A year since that first breastfeeding. A year since the first bottle, burp and spit up. I'm not ashamed to admit that I look at him and just cry my eyes out. I'm not sure he will ever be able to understand just how much I love him. I don't think he'll ever know how much he was wanted. How I prayed for him and how grateful I am to have him.

Although he is still a baby and he is and always will be my baby, I wonder where my baby went. Time is moving too quickly for me. I try to savor each and every second I have with him, but it just never seems like it is enough and he is just growing up before my eyes. I know I have his brother or sister on the way and I'm forever grateful for him/her and I can't wait to meet my little darling. But it is so hard watching Big C grow up. I love seeing his milestones and I am beaming with pride. He makes my heart just sing. I want to see him grow into a respectful, honest, compassionate, honorable, moral and driven man. Just...not too quickly. I guess perhaps because I am 33, time is moving faster. That happens when you get older you know. You may think its all bullcockey, but it is true. The older you get, the faster time rolls on. I don't know, maybe if I had him younger I'd feel different, but somehow I doubt it. Words just cannot express how much I love and adore that little boy. Thank you, Lord for the best present ever...to be a Mommy.

Time Rolls On...And Some Other Stuff

Whether you like it or not, time indeed rolls on. It's inevitable. I am watching my son grow before my very eyes...like a weed! Already in just 2 months he's grown over 3 inches. I'm am taking as many pictures of him as I can right now, because I know I'll blink my eyes and he'll be a year old and I'll wonder where my precious little newborn went.

Speaking of pictures, I purchased a new point and shoot digital camera yesterday. K has the fancy DSLR with which he takes amazing shots with. I...am not that talented. But, I'm learning on this little one since his camera is a bit more complicated.

Let me just take this moment to vent some frustration. I was ready to blow a gasket while at a certain chain store that begins with a "T" and ends with a "get". I walk up to the electronics counter, and the young man running it was sitting on a stool with his chin resting in his hands, doing nothing. He stood up and asked if I needed help and I said, "Yes, I want to purchase one of those." So he went digging around and came up from under the counter and said, "Sorry we are out of stock." I said, "Okay, what about this one then?" Again he went digging and said, "We are out of those too." So I went down a bit further and said, "Okay then, this one." This time he clicked his scanner and told me they didn't have any in the store. K and I had done our research on cameras and had our choice narrowed down to those three, which the store had NONE of, yet they were all sitting out on display. I was a nanosecond from blowing my top and getting snarky by saying, "Well do you want to tell me what you DO have?" But I bit my tongue. I wasn't in the best of moods to begin with as Big C was getting cranky and I was ready to get out of there. I wasn't expecting a treasure hunt. So I just left and came home.

What had me so darn fuming mad was the fact that this guy was sitting on his tookus not doing a thing, then when he gets a customer who is ready to purchase a pricey piece of electronics, he doesn't know what he has, what he doesn't have, when it will be in, if it will be in...nope, nothing, nada, zip. If it had been me working there, I wouldn't have been resting on my laurels like I didn't have a thing to do unless I could tell customers exactly what we had in stock, what we were out of and when to expect it to come in. You walk up to my counter and ask for a specific camera, "No ma'am, we are out of stock on this model and the following other models." Why play a guessing game of..."Ohhh I wonder if this one is in stock...or this one!?" Don't waste my time! I did finally get to purchase one at a different location, which also had many out of stock. At least the young man at that store knew his job and rattled off exactly what he had instead of making me ask about each and every one of them.

Okay, I'm done with my rant. :-)

In more unfortunate news, I found out from a friend yesterday that another very dear friend who I've known for quite sometime was just diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He used to run karaoke and a group of us became friends and followed him wherever he did gigs. He also ran revue shows at places like drive-ins and car shows where several of our group would sing and perform for entertainment during the shows. Several months back he suffered a stroke and never recovered fully. Because of the illness he is too sick to have chemo. So he will be home on hospice and they estimated about 2 months. He has suffered other illness as well, being diabetic and dealing with that. This just breaks my heart. He really is a wonderful person, fun to be around and very kind-hearted and sweet.

My uncle, who was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 Augusts ago isn't doing very well either. He's been in and out of the hospital several times over the last few months. He's starting his second round of chemo, but even then my cousin told me they think he only has about 6 months. Cancer is such a horrible disease, striking at any time, no matter the age or the physical health and ripping life away. My family has been touched with it more than I'd like to admit. I just hope that it won't touch any more of us.

It's been snowing here and we've got just about 6 inches or so. It's deeper in some spots because of the windy conditions and the drifts. I'm not a huge fan of snow, but I do enjoy it. I think what I like most about it is that while it is falling, everything is so quiet. So muted that you could hear a pin drop. And I have to admit it is beautiful too. The way it clings to the needles of evergreens and perches on the finger-like bare branches of the maples and oaks we have surrounding the house. What's miserable is the driveway. It's about 200 feet long and the plow stops at the end of the road with all the snow piling up at the end of our drive. Good thing we have a snow blower. It's being used for the first time this year. It began last night and finished right around noon today. Reminds me of a poem my Grandma used to say...

The March wind doth blow and we shall have snow, And what will poor robin do then, poor thing? He’ll sit in a barn and keep himself warm and hide his head under his wing, poor thing.

In like a lion, let's hope it goes out like a lamb. It's not unheard of to have snow in April. Although I'd rather have hyacinths! Anyway, it's time for me to go, it's nearly time to feed Big C again. Here is a pic taken with the new camera although K snapped it so that's why it's a really good one. ;) Stay warm everyone and take the time to go play in the snow if you can!

-MoM-

Realizations

It's funny how becoming a mother can really change your life. These changes you gladly accept too. Even though at times you just want to cry or collapse (mostly from sheer exhaustion). You do these things and would do them over and over because that little person is unequivocally the most important thing in your life and you'd do *anything* for him/her. Now, I know I said mother. Don't worry guys, I'm not leaving you out. I'm not a father, so I can't speak from personal experience, therefore I am writing about what I personally have gone through so far. I've been a mommy for just over 7 weeks and in that short time, I've realized some stuff.

• There is no such thing at *sleeping through the night*. Sure, your little one may conk out for 5-6 hour stretches, but you find yourself starved for sleep and haggard, staring bleary-eyed and at him making sure he is still breathing.

• Only eat food that tastes good cold. Inadvertently your little angel will need you right when you sit down to eat something, and will continue to need you until the food has lost all it's heat. *This goes for coffee too*

• Rocking, bouncing, lifting, cradling and carrying a baby around with you everywhere you go makes working out at the gym a piece of cake. Let's face it, at the gym you have a 30 minute workout. With a child, you'll be hauling him/her around all day long, for at least a year or two!

• Your photographic memory is a thing of the past. Finding that you can't remember the simplest things is disconcerting. Get used to it, it seems to get worse before it gets better. With your mind being on your baby nearly 100% of the time, there is no room to think about anything else let alone remember it.
  

• Sleeping (when it actually happens) with your body contorted into something that resembles a pretzel becomes second nature since you find yourself sharing the bed with both hubby and now your little darling. To avoid him/her from being rolled on, falling off the bed or a host of other things, you figure out ways to twist yourself to accommodate the new bed arrangement. Your husband on the other hand still retains his normal sleeping position. -.-

• You never have enough pacifiers.

• Long hot showers are a luxury you can no longer afford. It's more like jumping in an out without fulling rinsing the shampoo out of your hair because you thought you heard the baby cry.

• You quickly learn to change diapers at warp speed. Accidents happen. Especially with boys who like to aim and fire only seconds before the new diaper is on.

• Take lots of pictures and savor every single second you have with your little angel because before you know it 7 weeks will have gone by....then 7 years, 17 years and you'll wonder where you baby went.

I still find myself wondering where the time went. It's hard to believe 7 weeks went by so quickly. I'm sure I'll be adding to this list of realizations as time passes and I'm sure I've left quite a few things out. You know, since I can't remember anything as mentioned above. ;) One thing I can say for sure about being a mother. Until now, I never thought it was possible to love something so much.

-MoM-