You've lost someone.  One of the most instrumental human beings in your life.  I'm sorry.  I can say that I've been there, and I have.  I can say I understand the pain, and I do.  I could tell you that it gets easier with time.  But then I would be lying.  Because it doesn't.  It just gets different.  Nothing I could say can ever make things better.  So I just don't say anything.  Nothing anyone ever said to me ever made me feel better.  Even though I know they meant well.  That part of your life, the huge chunk that is no longer there, is going to suck.  Nothing will ever fill it completely. 

What I can say is this.  I love you.  I have since the moment I met you. I always will.  There isn't another person in this lifetime that I'd rather be with and have as my partner, the father of my babies, my best friend and my husband.  You are my one.  I wish I could just make it all better.  I can't.  If I could, I'd take the pain you feel into myself, so you wouldn't have to feel it.  I can't do that either.  Makes me kinda good for nothing doesn't it?  Except for one thing.  I love you and that will not change.  Always remember that.  You are my other half, the part of me that was always missing.  Let me be that for you.  Let me do the one small thing I'm good at.  Let me comfort you, be your safe place, your shoulder, the one you never need to cover up your feelings with.  It isn't much.  But it's all I have.

-S

Earthquake Schmerthquake

I didn't feel it.  Not a thing.  I wasn't sleeping or half comatose from lack of sleep, I was just chilling out with my kids watching a movie.  I'm not saying there wasn't one, just that I didn't get to feel it.  So I'm slightly pissy about it....I miss out on some of the more exciting things like that.  Happily, no one was hurt.  But yanno...it might have been cool.

The knee jerk panic that occurred, well it was a bit dramatic, but I mean come on, imagine 30" of snow dropping on LA.  If you've never dealt with something like that, then yeah, people are going to go a little nuts.  Looks like people did return to normal quickly.  So kudos peeps!  We are a bunch of the awesome!

I Thought I Knew

For a while there, I thought I knew who I was, what I was doing and what my goals for the future were.  I'm not so sure anymore.  I've been withdrawn lately.  Seems the only thing I really even get joy out of lately are my kids.  While often I feel like I'm on the verge of a freak out, they are still my greatest joy.  Honestly, I don't know a parent who doesn't feel like losing it sometimes.  Children are a test of patience and understanding.  But I wouldn't ever change having them.  Sometimes I wish I could grab hold of myself and yell in my own face to get myself together.  Motivation has reached almost a non-existent level while the feeling of being alone is bigger and badder than ever and stubbornly refuses to take a hike.  I feel like a stranger to myself and everyone else, well I feel like I barely even know them.  My husband, brother, Dad and even my extended family.  Why do I feel this way?  I think, I'm just tired.  Tired of always being the one to put forth the effort.  I'm really pretty much done with trying to be the best friend with the ear to bend, while so rarely I am able to bend the ear of others.  I'm tired of putting forth energy to be playful, romantic, flirtatious and fun in my relationship to have it answered with nothing at all.  And I'm tired of always being the go to girl when someone needs a favor.  My days of being a sucker have come to an end, at least for now.  I know they will return, it is just my nature I suppose.

Where does that leave me now though?  I don't know.  Floating in a sort of limbo I suppose.  Stuck in a funk I just can't seem to shake off.  At least one thing stays constant.  I'm stupid crazy about my kiddos.  Even when I want to rip every hair out of my head because the 2 yr old keeps pushing his sister and she screams if I walk away from her, even if it is a mere 3 feet and I am within sight.  I'm so thankful for my babies, because when I'm with them, I am who I really want to be.  Except when they have me tearing my hair out. :-)

-MoM-

A Beautiful Daughter Turns 1

My Little Girl so Soft and Sweet

Author: Ashley B. Schuster

My Little Girl so Soft and Sweet,
So steadily my heart does beat
With love for you like you’ll never know.
I’d give the world to watch you grow.

Snuggle closer to me still,
Even more with love my heart does fill.

How quiet and still the house is now.
It’s hard for me to imagine how
One day you won’t need me as you do now.
You’ll grow to be a strong, beautiful woman
And have children of your own.
And your sweet, innocent sounds
That made this house a home,
I will store inside my heart,
Dreading the day when we will part.

But until then you’re mine to cherish.
Memories of these moments
I will never allow to perish.

So snuggle closer to me still,
Even more with love my heart does fill,
For my little Girl so soft and sweet.