Friday, March 19, 2010

Countdown: 5 Days

I know this is my first blog entry in some time.  Truth is, I've been feeling under the weather.  I've a cold on top of my normal pregnancy aches and pains.  So I've been trying to take it easy.  As easy as one can when you have a 14-month old running around who also has a cold and is cutting two molars, a top and a bottom on the same side.  Needless to say, Big C has been somewhat of a hot mess on occasion.  He is really a good boy though.  Even being sick he is just my sweet snuggly boy.  I found myself in tears a few days ago over the stresses of everything going on and things to come and he looked at me so sweetly then proceeded to crawl over to me, wrap his little arms around my neck and lay his head on my chest and hug me.  He knew I was upset and it was like he was saying, "It's OK Mommy, I'm here."  Honestly, I can't imagine my life without him and I thank God for giving me something so special and wonderful.  The best day of my life was the day I became a mother.

I had my last OB appointment yesterday morning.  Everything is a go for a c-section on Wednesday March 24th at 7:30am.  My doctor did send me over to L&D for a NST and an ultrasound to check the baby's AFI.  Everything is good and the AFI was 17, which I was told was a little excessive for fluid, but not a bad thing.  It may be why I'm not getting as much movement this week.  So much fluid is cushioning babe's movements.

I'm excited, nervous and I still feel totally unprepared this time around.  You'd think the opposite since I've done this before.  But I suppose when you are distracted with one little one, you tend to put other things off to "a later date" and that date turns out to be only a few days before the new little one makes his or her appearance!  Take names for example.  We still haven't decided on names yet.  But we finally did narrow our selections down to our top 5 favorites.  So over the next few days we want to narrow them down further to our top 2-3 names.  Then once baby is born, we'll be able to look at that little face and into those little eyes and "know" which name belongs to this baby.

I really thought I'd have more time to sit down and write about this pregnancy.  Especially at the end like I am now.  But with not being able to sleep at night, being exhausted during the day and having my tailbone, lower back and pelvis feel like it's about to crumble...I'm really not so keen on sitting in front of the computer.  The baby is sitting so low in my pelvis I am literally running to go pee every 20-30 minutes.  If I'm sitting down, whether I just went before I sat down or not, as soon as I stand I gotta go.  Walking is proving to be much more of a challenge this time.  I'm moving at a snail's pace.  Big C can clearly outpace me.  But if I try to walk any faster I get that electric like pain in my vajayjay area and it stops me in my tracks.  That means in the middle of the grocery aisle, walking to the car, crossing in the crosswalk with traffic waiting on my way to the parking garage of the hospital.

Needless to say, I'm ready for this baby to come, at least physically speaking.  Besides, I want to see, hold, smooch, snuggle and love up on my little one.  I've waited 9 months for this.  I'm ready!


Friday, March 5, 2010

It's Not About Me Anymore...Or You For That Matter

Implementing changes.  This is what I've decided I really need to do over the next few weeks as I wait for Baby J to arrive.  Look, I know all about life changes.  It is no stranger to me.  After all, I do have one child already.  I've adapted to that change, although he's 14 months old and I still find myself adapting.  I'm sure that I will continue to do so as he grows up.  I adapted to losing my mom to a devastating disease that she suffered with from the time I was six years old.  Life is all about changes and adaptations.  But that isn't exactly what I'm talking about this time.

Let me try to explain this the best I can.  There are things in my life that make me happy.  They have done so for a long time.  But I'm finding out that now, they just aren't in the forefront any longer.  Yes, they still make me just as happy.  But there are more important things that need my focus and attention now.  I don't love the idea that I have to give something like that up, even though I know it is for the best right now.  I'm hoping that later down the road, I can revisit some of these things and find myself loving them even more now that I have others to share them with.  That being said it has vast effects on my life both financially and personally.  And on both ends of the spectrum.  In one sense it is costing me, while in another it saves me.  Bizarre as it sounds, it's just how it works.

I think the most challenging part of this whole realization, if you will is dealing with my feelings about things I once held so concretely.  Things that I build my entire life around, never willing to compromise on.  I have come to realize quickly that children have a way of making you see things vastly different than you once did, but these feelings are something I just wasn't am not prepared for.  I'm not prepared with it emotionally, let alone psychologically enough to go out and execute these things which need to be set into motion.  I can lie to myself and make excuses about the way I'm feeling and try to dismiss it.  "Oh, I'm just being over-sensitive and over-emotional because I'm pregnant and hormones are running the show."  And while that may hold some shred of truth, I know deep down that I would still feel this way if I were not pregnant.  Clear as mud?

It would be easier for everyone to understand if I just spelled it out and told you the specifics.  I'm just not in a position where I feel comfortable enough to share it with the world just yet.  Maybe one day I will.  But that day is not today.  There are things that I need to change right now, and I can't.  I am not financially able to.  So those things will have to wait.  And I don't know if I will ever be financially able to do them.  And that takes it's toll on my emotions.  I have concerns for my family, my child, my unborn child, my husband, myself, our home, our finances and my father and brother.  I think often about my life, the farm, the animals, my hobbies and it all has to change.  All of it.  Yes, I know that "That's Life."  I guess I just never expected it all to have to change at the same time.  I thought things went slowly, like they used to. 

I guess what it boils down to is self-sacrifice.  I've sacrificed lots of things in my life.  But they were things that didn't effect me, or hurt me as much to give up.  A few of them were very painful, but for the most part, I've been lucky enough to not really have to give up the things I loved and enjoyed.  Now, I do.  And this is going to be a long period of adjustment for me.  I'm finding my personality adjusting a bit to the changes as well.  And while I don't think it is something that is altogether is very different.  My family has already begun to see a different, stronger more decisive side of me that they weren't prepared for.  My friends will be seeing it soon as well, I'm sure.  And I have a feeling some of them may not really like it.  I feel bad about that.  I do.  But I've decided that it is time I stop living for everyone else and started living for my husband, son and my new darling yet to arrive.  I need to be there for them first, before anyone or anything else.  And that is tough to do when for so long, you have tried to be everything to everyone.

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