Friday, March 5, 2010

It's Not About Me Anymore...Or You For That Matter

Implementing changes.  This is what I've decided I really need to do over the next few weeks as I wait for Baby J to arrive.  Look, I know all about life changes.  It is no stranger to me.  After all, I do have one child already.  I've adapted to that change, although he's 14 months old and I still find myself adapting.  I'm sure that I will continue to do so as he grows up.  I adapted to losing my mom to a devastating disease that she suffered with from the time I was six years old.  Life is all about changes and adaptations.  But that isn't exactly what I'm talking about this time.

Let me try to explain this the best I can.  There are things in my life that make me happy.  They have done so for a long time.  But I'm finding out that now, they just aren't in the forefront any longer.  Yes, they still make me just as happy.  But there are more important things that need my focus and attention now.  I don't love the idea that I have to give something like that up, even though I know it is for the best right now.  I'm hoping that later down the road, I can revisit some of these things and find myself loving them even more now that I have others to share them with.  That being said it has vast effects on my life both financially and personally.  And on both ends of the spectrum.  In one sense it is costing me, while in another it saves me.  Bizarre as it sounds, it's just how it works.

I think the most challenging part of this whole realization, if you will is dealing with my feelings about things I once held so concretely.  Things that I build my entire life around, never willing to compromise on.  I have come to realize quickly that children have a way of making you see things vastly different than you once did, but these feelings are something I just wasn't am not prepared for.  I'm not prepared with it emotionally, let alone psychologically enough to go out and execute these things which need to be set into motion.  I can lie to myself and make excuses about the way I'm feeling and try to dismiss it.  "Oh, I'm just being over-sensitive and over-emotional because I'm pregnant and hormones are running the show."  And while that may hold some shred of truth, I know deep down that I would still feel this way if I were not pregnant.  Clear as mud?

It would be easier for everyone to understand if I just spelled it out and told you the specifics.  I'm just not in a position where I feel comfortable enough to share it with the world just yet.  Maybe one day I will.  But that day is not today.  There are things that I need to change right now, and I can't.  I am not financially able to.  So those things will have to wait.  And I don't know if I will ever be financially able to do them.  And that takes it's toll on my emotions.  I have concerns for my family, my child, my unborn child, my husband, myself, our home, our finances and my father and brother.  I think often about my life, the farm, the animals, my hobbies and it all has to change.  All of it.  Yes, I know that "That's Life."  I guess I just never expected it all to have to change at the same time.  I thought things went slowly, like they used to. 

I guess what it boils down to is self-sacrifice.  I've sacrificed lots of things in my life.  But they were things that didn't effect me, or hurt me as much to give up.  A few of them were very painful, but for the most part, I've been lucky enough to not really have to give up the things I loved and enjoyed.  Now, I do.  And this is going to be a long period of adjustment for me.  I'm finding my personality adjusting a bit to the changes as well.  And while I don't think it is something that is altogether is very different.  My family has already begun to see a different, stronger more decisive side of me that they weren't prepared for.  My friends will be seeing it soon as well, I'm sure.  And I have a feeling some of them may not really like it.  I feel bad about that.  I do.  But I've decided that it is time I stop living for everyone else and started living for my husband, son and my new darling yet to arrive.  I need to be there for them first, before anyone or anything else.  And that is tough to do when for so long, you have tried to be everything to everyone.


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