Monday, April 4, 2011

I Thought I Knew

For a while there, I thought I knew who I was, what I was doing and what my goals for the future were.  I'm not so sure anymore.  I've been withdrawn lately.  Seems the only thing I really even get joy out of lately are my kids.  While often I feel like I'm on the verge of a freak out, they are still my greatest joy.  Honestly, I don't know a parent who doesn't feel like losing it sometimes.  Children are a test of patience and understanding.  But I wouldn't ever change having them.  Sometimes I wish I could grab hold of myself and yell in my own face to get myself together.  Motivation has reached almost a non-existent level while the feeling of being alone is bigger and badder than ever and stubbornly refuses to take a hike.  I feel like a stranger to myself and everyone else, well I feel like I barely even know them.  My husband, brother, Dad and even my extended family.  Why do I feel this way?  I think, I'm just tired.  Tired of always being the one to put forth the effort.  I'm really pretty much done with trying to be the best friend with the ear to bend, while so rarely I am able to bend the ear of others.  I'm tired of putting forth energy to be playful, romantic, flirtatious and fun in my relationship to have it answered with nothing at all.  And I'm tired of always being the go to girl when someone needs a favor.  My days of being a sucker have come to an end, at least for now.  I know they will return, it is just my nature I suppose.

Where does that leave me now though?  I don't know.  Floating in a sort of limbo I suppose.  Stuck in a funk I just can't seem to shake off.  At least one thing stays constant.  I'm stupid crazy about my kiddos.  Even when I want to rip every hair out of my head because the 2 yr old keeps pushing his sister and she screams if I walk away from her, even if it is a mere 3 feet and I am within sight.  I'm so thankful for my babies, because when I'm with them, I am who I really want to be.  Except when they have me tearing my hair out. :-)


Blog Template by