Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy, Happy Birthday Baby

My Dearest Big C,

It was one year ago today that I was first able to lay eyes upon your beautiful face. You are one year old today and I can hardly believe it. I know it has been written before, but I want to tell you again, just so you understand just how much you are loved and how much you were are wanted. It is the story of your life so far...but it started with my own. So listen carefully my darling boy because today, in this letter you will realize that there is no one on Earth who loves you as much as I do.

I always knew I wanted you. From a little girl, I always knew I wanted to be a mommy. I also wanted to be a veterinarian, a doctor and lawyer...but whether or not I ever got to be those things, what never changed was the fact that I wanted to be a mother. Your mother. Partly it stemmed from my own relationship with my mother. I loved her. More than anything. There was no one that could make me feel so loved, so important, so special and so wanted like my mommy. Feeling her arms around me when she hugged me was the best. She was so safe and warm and comfortable. I looked up to her and I longed to one day have a child of my own to pour that love and adoration into. A child that I could raise, watch grow up and be proud of the person I had a hand in shaping and encouraging. I so wanted a baby. I so wanted you.

Your grandma got sick when I was just 6 years old. She nearly died in the hospital. She was supposed to slip into a coma, never to awake while the infection ravaged her body. Her doctor feared it would be imminent, there wouldn't be enough time for the medication to do its job and your grandma would succumb before it ever had a chance to save her. However, your grandma....well she had other plans. She loved your Uncle Jim and I so much, she couldn't bear the thought of leaving us. He was 16 and I was 6 and all she could think about was us. She was so, so tired. Only wanting to close her eyes and go to sleep, even though she knew she would never wake up. But that meant leaving Uncle Jim and I behind. And she just couldn't bear the thought. So your grandma was determined to stay awake. To fight the darkness that was creeping upon her. The only way she could think to stay awake was by keeping her mind sharp. She figured if she said multiplication tables, out loud to keep her mind moving and awake, she might be able to stay awake long enough for the medicine to work. So all night long your grandma laid in her hospital bed, saying her times tables. Nurses looked at her and shook their heads, thinking she was going delirious and that it wouldn't be very long. But something else happened. She started to get a bit stronger. She wasn't as tired and her mind wasn't as clouded. By the next morning she was wide eyed, although very tired from no sleep at all. It wasn't the same kind of tired the infection was causing. Much to everyone's surprise, your grandma wasn't in a coma that morning and she certainly hadn't left us! After some blood work that was done immediately, the doctor was able to see that grandma had improved a little. She fought and she won!

Now it is important that I tell you grandma hadn't completely won the battle. The infection damaged her liver badly and they only gave her two years to live. But we are talking about your grandmother, and there was no way she was going down without a fight. She loved us very much and she tried, Big C. She tried very hard to make it long enough to see you. Because you see...I wanted you, but your grandma wanted you too! She couldn't wait until the day came when I would get pregnant with you and she would get to hold you in her arms. She had big plans for you. She envisioned a little cart, hooked up to one of the miniature horses and you driving the horse down our long driveway. She wanted to teach you all of your nursery rhymes and your ABCs. She wanted to spoil you, love you, adore you, snuggle you and shout to the world how much she loved her grandbaby. And she tried to make it long enough to do those things with you. So even though they said only 2 years, your grandma fought for another 12 years after that. But this time, when she got sick, she couldn't convince her body to listen to her mind. It had plans of it's own and so on June 18, 1997 at 8:36am your grandma left this world to go walk with the Lord in Heaven.

I was 21. I was going to college with plans of being a veterinarian. I quit going just before grandma died so I could help take care of her and spend time with her and be close to her. I had no boyfriend. Marriage wasn't even a thought in my mind. I hadn't ever even been on a date! I was heartbroken when your grandma left us. About a year and a half later, I met your father and fell in love with him. On August 11, 2001 your daddy and I got married. We were going to get married a week earlier, but that fell on your Grandma's birthday and I wanted that day to be her own, so we bumped it up a week. I was 25 years old then. I was so happy. Because I knew that now, I could have you! I had waited for you for so long. But I had to find the man who would be your daddy first! And he wasn't easy to find! After a few years your daddy and I tried for you. But, you wouldn't come. We tried some more, and you just weren't ready to come yet. After almost 7 years, your daddy and I decided that maybe God had decided that you were supposed to go to someone else and not us. So we decided to take a break from trying so hard. That if and when God decided you were to come to us, then it would happen. Well wouldn't you know it? About 6 months later you decided to show up! Finally! I wanted you so badly and for so long and finally you were coming! I was so nervous and so scared that now that I had you, something might happen and I would lose you. I prayed all the time, asking God to protect you, and keep you healthy.

Big C, I don't think I'll ever be able to accurately describe what being pregnant with you was like for me. It was scary and I was an emotional wreck through most of it. I had just wanted you so, so badly. You were all I ever dreamed of and I was so afraid that it was some kind of dream and that I wouldn't be able to hold you in my arms one day. I cried all the time. I hadn't even seen your face and I loved you more than anything in the world. You would party like crazy in my belly and then scare me half to death when you up and stopped because you wore yourself out and needed a day or two to recuperate. On more than one occasion I found myself sitting in the doctor's office waiting for the doppler to hear your heartbeat, only to have you wallop me just as he walked through the door. How I loved feeling you move inside me. The day I longed for was quickly approaching. The day I got to see your face, hold you in my arms and say, "Hello, Son."

The day you were year ago exactly has been the happiest day of my life. Is it really possible to love something...someone so much? Yes, it is. When the doctor pulled you from my uterus during your c-section and poked your head over the big blue tarp and I saw you for the first time...I cried. Tears of joy sprang from my eyes at the sight of the child I had wanted and waited so long for. The moment they put you in my arms and I looked into your beautiful blue eyes was love at first sight. We had a rough start you and I. You cried all the time because you were hungry and I just didn't make enough milk. You turned yellow with jaundice, couldn't got potty and we spent 2 nights with you in the hospital under those bright blue lights. I cried and I prayed for you to get better. I sobbed each time they pricked your little heel to check your blood and after coming home I finally decided no more and put you on formula. You were much happier then. That was a hard decision for me because I wanted to be able to give you everything you needed. But, I had to do it differently now. Those first weeks were wonderful. I rocked you endlessly. Breathing you in, the smell of your freshly washed hair and skin. I loved giving you those little massages and you falling asleep during them. The late nights of just holding you and looking at you. I just couldn't and I still can't get enough of you.

And Big C, it's going by too fast. Before I know it you will be 21. I cherish the moments that I have with you. Our lazy mornings, where you lay over top my leg, sippy cup in hand watching Mickey Mouse. Or when you curl up against me, a little sigh escaping those pouty lips. It's getting harder to hold you, rock you and snuggle because you just want to move and be a part of everything around you. I look at you and my eyes well up because I can still hear the mew-mew-mew you'd make as you took your bottle. The way you'd smack your little lips when I gave you cereal for the first time. I love how you bend your head down repeatedly because you want forehead kisses or how you give us a cheesy grin when you get naked for bath time. How you strain to look over your daddy's shoulder in the bath tub to smile at me. I love how I can look at you and say, "What are you doing?" and you smile mischievously at me and continue to do something you clearly shouldn't.

Over the course of this year I have watched you grow, develop and learn. Its been a year full of sleepless nights, blissful mornings, aching backs, sweet kisses, warm hugs, snugly Pooh bears, temper tantrums, eyes fluttering to the sound of my singing a lullaby, teething, vaccines, a first cold, colic and gas, bilirubin lights, diapers, bottles, toys and baby wipes. Balmex, pacifiers, rice cereal and rubber duckies. Teething rings and cradle swings. Carters onesies, flannel sleepers with feet, disgusting new foods and yummy bananas as treats. You've 8 teeth with a bicuspid making it's debut. You can pull yourself up to standing and stand by yourself without holding on for quite a while now. You have even taken your first step alone on December 23....tiny as it was. Fondness for icy cold milk, splashing, music and dancing and giggling and laughs that make my heart melt. You have made me complete, Big C. For so long you had been missing, but you are here now and I savor each and every moment with you.

So always know sweet baby...You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know dear, how much I love you.....No one will love you like I do, my baby. Happy Birthday my wonderful, darling, sweet little precious boy.

I love you forever.


Your Mommy

God's Masterpiece

From graceful lilies pure and white,
God fashioned lovely skin,
Forgetmenots he chose for eyes,
Then formed your baby chin.
He took a tulip bright and red --
'Twas one that did not fade;
A softer, sweeter little mouth
Before was never made.
Another flower next He used --
A rosebud, pink and fair;
Touched it to your dimpled cheeks
And bade it blossom there.
Then with His magic fingers picked
Two morning glories white;
Curled and shaped your little ears,
Soon they were fastened tight.
That crowning bit of golden down
Will soon become your hair;
He gathered pollen from the flowers,
And sprinkled it with care.
For dainty little fingers dear
And precious, tiny toes,
He used slender daisy frills;
A snowdrop made your nose.
This world and all within it
He created here for man;
But Baby was "God's Masterpiece"
Since time and life began!
--Dora Dinsmore

Hello Third Trimester!

Along with all the ailments it brings with it. I'm not complaining...really. Well, OK...maybe I am just a little. I can deal with the decreased lung capacity, little sleep, swelling beyond comprehension(really it isn't that bad yet)and aching ribs and back. I've been through it all once exactly 1 year ago! So I'm familiar with the normal symptoms. I'm getting them all sooner this time around which means they hang around longer. Meh...the reward outweighs the suffering by a longshot here.

I had my OB appointment this past Monday. Doc says the baby sounds happy. We had a heart rate in the 130s range. All results of the sonogram came back looking great and I passed my glucose challenge test with flying colors. Good thing too. I've turned into an eating machine in the last 2 weeks and have been eating all the wrong things and unfathomable amounts of sugar. While at the OB we discussed that my next visit will be in 4 weeks and then I'll start the every 2 week visits. I'll also be scheduled for an ultrasound to see how peanut is measuring up. If things look favorable, meaning the baby looks average size, I'm going to try for a VBAC. If it looks as thought the babe will be turkey size, I'll be scheduling a c-section.

I got home that morning and proceeded to get some things done. All was well in the land of Stacey until later that evening. While sitting at the kitchen table reading a sale paper, I realize that my butt was hurting. I mean wicked uncomfortable. I stood up, no help. WTH is going on? I was fine all day, no problems while at the doctors and now this happens. Seriously? Yeah, well. I came to realize during a shower and some self examination that the beasties I thought I was soooo lucky in avoiding so far this pregnancy have shown their ugly faces...and with a vengeance. I'm talking about 'roids. Yep, you heard me. They are the only thing I hate about pregnancy. Everything else is fine and totally dealable, but these evil, vile, disgusting butt distortionists are the worst. I had issues with them 3 times during my pregnancy with Big C. I made it to the 3rd trimester before they showed this time...darn it! So that has been a downer for me. I wasted no time in calling the doctor and telling him that my exit chute was on fire and it felt like I had a fork up there and I wanted a 'script and was not going to bother with anything else. Been there, done that and darn near got the T-shirt made. In case you are arse is much better now, thanks.

I've been getting my last minute plans in order for Big C's birthday party. We are actually having a small one tonight with just us. I'm going to make him his own cake, let him destroy it and open his pressies. I will probably be the one opening them if it's anything like Christmas. K is going to leave work early today so he can get home at 6:30p. Having to take the train for transportation is such a pain...but when you work 90 miles from home, it doesn't leave you much of an alternative. I really hope he finds a comparable job closer to home. It's tough not having him around and it's going to be tougher when the new baby arrives. Plus it's a total drag that he doesn't get to spend much time with his son or his wife. He's gone 14.5 hours a day. When you factor in that he has to sleep and eat it leaves Big C and I a whole 2 hours to spend with him. And that is just not enough...for a child or a wife. So if anyone is looking for a superior IT guy with a killer work ethic and perfectionist tendencies to possibly work from home (hint hint) I know a guy. ;)

Otherwise, his party is pretty much planned for January 9th and I just have to get the incidentals and last minute stuff. Oh yeah...and a cake. I'm going to try to make *his* cake on my own and just have a bakery make a cake for everyone else to enjoy...since after Big C is done with his I'm not sure anyone would want to eat it.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a happy, healthy and very prosperous New Year!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Our First Christmas

It was amazing! I laughed, I cried about fifty times each throughout the day. Big C was so wired the poor kid had to take a nap in between opening presents. Seriously. I had to take him back to sleep then finish opening his gifts after he woke up and ate lunch.

We started out the morning with some yummy French Toast. Big C ate 95% of two pieces...complete with butter, syrup and some powdered sugar.'s Christmas and it wasn't like the french toast was drowning in the stuff. But it probably was why he was a lunatic and crashed before he could get through all his presents. So I'm new a being a Mom...I'll learn.

After sticky hands and face were wiped clean it was time to head to the tree to begin shredding paper like no one's business. Cause he likes paper....a lot. Likes to eat it...perhaps part goat...I dunno. Fired up the camcorder and I sat my fat tush down on the floor with him to help open. I was sure I wasn't going to be able to get back up. My belly has popped and gravity loves to pull me forward. But dang it...this was my first child's first Christmas....I was getting my pregnant can down on that floor to open presents with him even if it took the entirety of the volunteer fire company to get me back up of the floor again. I am totally bummed out that I got no still pictures....only video. We did get some stills of Big C playing with his stuff later in the day.

I picked up the first gift, shook and smiled at him. He crawled as little arms and legs could muster over to me and smiled devilishly and squealed with delight as I tore the corner of the package to get him started. He promptly took the gift from me and flung it across the floor. Then looked as me and smiled, reaching for another. Okay, this wasn't exactly how I planned. I mean, he shreds every single magazine he can get his hands on. WTH? So I get the package back and rip a big piece of the paper and shake it at him. He looked at me for .02 seconds and proceeded to crawl away from me and the stack of gifts to go chase the cat. *Grumbles* THIS DOES NOT COMPUTE! He LOVES paper. He loves ripping it up. He loves ripping up the magazines I never get a chance to read because they are shredded beyond recognition! doesn't matter. I open up the gifts and call him to look at each one. He takes it from me, squeals, plays with it and after 3-4 of them are open the hyperness sets in. (Yeah, I know, it was probably the french toast)He can't play with all the toys at once so he is just flinging things all over and crawling from one spot to the next and it's craziness. And then it happened. Violence. Crying, kicking, clenched fists, face turning red and fierce rubbing of the eyes. Oh my...this boy needs a serious nap. We were much happier upon waking from the nap and having some lunch. However we were still not interested in ripping paper.

All in all it was an awesome Christmas. He totally digs all of his things and I dig watching him play with them. I was treated nicely as well and I totally love the stuff I got...and everyone else is feeling their stuff too. The rest of the night was spent just being a happy family and playing with Big C and watching him play with his Christmas presents. Oh! I finally got to bake some of my cookies. FINALLY! I ate so many I nearly made myself sick too. But I'm telling you, these cookies are doubt! I still have more baking to do, since it's the boy's birthday in 2 days.

All in all I have to say it was one of the best...if not the best Christmas' I've ever had. The exception will hopefully be next year...when I have my two babies to celebrate Christmas with! I feel truly blessed this year. I got just what I wanted for Christmas. Thank you Lord, for the best Christmas present ever...last year...this year...and every year after!

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Merry Christmas Eve and 27 Weeks!


I'm excited...and tired.  Seems I end nearly everything with "I'm tired" these days. *Smiles* But that's OK.  I have a very good reason for it. *wink* I can hardly believe that I'm under the 100 day mark.  We are sitting at 91 days left to go.  I'm headed out of the 2nd Trimester and into the 3rd! Only 3 months left! I still haven't made my mind up if I'm going to just schedule a c-section or try for a VBAC this time.  I'm still at the "Let's wait and see" point.  I do find myself going back and forth with it.  

I'm feeling "Lil' Stinker" move regularly which always puts a smile on my face.  Waiting for a sleepy baby to move has to be one of the most nerve wracking things ever in pregnancy.  Not to mention with it being holiday time, the last thing I would want to have to do is call the doctor (on Christmas) with worries about the babe not moving to drag him out and get walloped just as he walks through the office door.  So I pray baby decides to be active, but not have such a party that he/she rocks themselves out to the point of having to take the whole day off to rest to make up for the partying this weekend.  My next appointment is Monday.  I am assuming my glucose challenge test came back normal, they didn't call me to tell me it was otherwise, so that is a relief.  

You know, I wish I would have done the same thing I see other bloggers have done with their pregnancies...weekly updates on how you are feeling, cravings, milestones and best part of the week, etc.  I would have liked to do that with my first pregnancy too.  But, I was already pregnant when I began this blog, and this time around I was so caught up in Big C I nearly forgot I even had a blog!  Oh well, maybe next time...Lord willing. *smiles*  I am already feeling some aches and pains, nothing on the contraction front, just and occasional squeeze here and there.  My cousin came by today to pick up the Christmas presents she had shipped to my house for her daughters and had to double take.  She was surprised at just how *round* I am.  She just looked at me and said, "Wow, no way to mistake that pregnant belly."  I've popped considerably in the last 2 weeks.  I am waddling like a duck already, knocking things off my table and counter top and bending's the pits.  I have to be holding onto something or I'm afraid I'll go overboard!  I try to avoid it as much as I can.  However, Big C takes great delight in just flinging EVERYTHING onto the floor these days.  I'm hoping it's a phase. *wink*

This is Big C's very first Christmas.  I'm thrilled to be blessed enough to experience it and discover its wonders with him. He's still too young to understand anything, but I love how I can already see the wonder and beauty of Christmas in those big blue eyes of his.  This is my best Christmas by far.  No, we aren't loaded down with presents, which don’t reflect the true meaning of Christmas anyway.  But we have some well thought out gifts for each other and those we love.  It is never about the quantity but the thought behind what was given.  My greatest gift this year is having a Christmas and a beautiful child to spend it with, for the first time since my mom passed away.  I said if I ever had a child, we would have Christmas, like we used to, again.  And we are.  I am eagerly awaiting settling down tonight, dressing Big C in his Christmas pajamas and tucking him in for the night.  We are charging the battery for the camcorder, the cameras are set and ready to go for tomorrow morning and the stockings have been hung.  Presents have been put under the tree and the last thing I'm waiting on is....baking cookies.  

Ugh.  I have all the stuff.  It's just sitting there on my counter...waiting to be put together.  And I really want to do it...because I want cookies darn it!  And not just any cookie...I was THESE cookies.  I wish they could just make themselves.  I've been preoccupied with getting presents wrapped; taking care of Big C and dealing with a whopper of a sinus infection this week...I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it.  I keep saying"OK, going to do it today" and today comes and goes and it's tomorrow!  But I just don't feel like baking a boatload of cookies while I'm sick.  But I really wanna eat them.  REAL BAD.  Well, they are the yummiest cookies ever!  But anyway....I'm gonna move on, I'm depressing myself over these cookies.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow.  Big C should have a ball ripping open his presents....he loves shredding paper...and eating it.  Sometimes I think he is part goat.  I know I'm going to bawl my eyes out when I put him to bed tonight because of it being the first Christmas and everything.  And I'll probably be bawling my eyes out tomorrow to while I watch him open presents.  Oh!  And his birthday....his 1st BIRTHDAY is 7 DAYS AWAY!  I can't believe it.  My bald baby...who has beautiful blonde hair going to be a year old!  I'm just....I can't believe it went by so fast.  I've been busy putting plans together for his party.  Nearly everything is up in the air except for the theme.  It's a Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Birthday Party.  He LOVES that show and dances to the Hot Dog song.  So while I'm ironing things out for his party, I've been gathering his Mickey Mouse stuff.  

Speaking of Big C and dancing.  There is no doubt that he is my mother's grandson.  Anyone who knew my mom knew how she loved Elvis Presley.  Seriously, I think she was his #1 fan.  I'm rather fond of his music myself and listened to a CD quite a bit while I was preggo with Big C.  But there is a commercial that comes on television for Verizon vs. AT&T and the music is Elvis singing "Blue Christmas."  Every time it comes on, Big C's head jerks around and he starts swinging his head...and hips ('s Elvis) and really getting into it.  He does the same thing when another commercial comes on with the "All Shook Up" song.  It is hilarious and at the same time just fills my heart because I know...I just know that my Mom is in there somewhere.  She gave him her love of Elvis!  *laughs*  Oh!  Yesterday, he also took his very first step...alone.  Not holding onto anything.  I nearly burst with excitement.  He only did it the one time...but least he did it!  I'm so proud of him.

I really wish K didn't have to work today.  The train is running a holiday schedule too, which means he won't get home until around 8pm.  Bummer.  I wanted to get some last minute preparations done and could use his help.  But, it will be fine.  I know why my mom loved this holiday so much.  Not only are we celebrating the birth of our Lord and Savior, who was the greatest gift of all.  But it is a time to celebrate all God's blessings, our families, friends and the relationships we have with them.  A time to help those in need and to pray and remember those who have suffered losses and who are less fortunate than ourselves.  So thank you, God, for giving us your only Son, Lord Jesus.  And thank you for giving me all the blessings you have this year and those past.  And I pray that you will bestow blessing upon others in the coming year!  Amen! 

Merry Christmas, and a healthy and prosperous New Year and may God bless you all!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

Thursday, December 10, 2009

25 Weeks!

Today.  Just another 15 weeks to go before I get to see and hold my precious one who is flip flopping in my belly as I type.  I can't wait.  Well, part of me can't.  The other part will miss being pregnant and feeling life blossoming and growing inside me.  If I was never certain before, I am most certain now...God has a plan for all of us and it is nothing short of the perfect plan.  Yes, it doesn't always seem fair, but He knows what he is doing.  I find I am having to remind myself of that quite often.  Take me for instance.  Things have happened in my life that I felt feel aren't fair.  The death of my mother at such a young age being at the top of the list.  She was only 49 and had so much to live for.  She never got to see her daughter fall in love, get married and have children.  She will never get to know her grandchildren and they will never know her.  Mostly, it's unfair to me.  I have so many things I want to say to her, talk to her about, ask her advice on, experience with her...and she isn't here.  That's tough for me.  However, God does have the perfect plan for each and every one of us.  See, I never thought I would have a child.  But He made it so.  And He did it in His time...not mine.  He also made it that I became pregnant again with our second child...again in His time, not mine.  And you know, He is pretty smart. ;-)  Because I am the type of person who would be pregnant all the time.  No, seriously.  Yes, it is tough.  No one else wants me to be pregnant all the time because it's a pain to them.  But I LOVE IT.  I love feeling life inside me, I love listening to my baby's heart beat and seeing their image on ultrasound.  But most of all I love what happens once pregnancy is over and motherhood begins.  And I could easily experience it over and over and over if God allowed me to.  That might be one of the reasons I was not able to get pregnant during the whole 6 1/2 years I was married to my husband and using zero methods to prevent pregnancy.  I was married at 25 and got pregnant at 32.  I'm 33 and growing our second baby.  Can you imagine if I had started at 25 how many we might be up to by now?  But, God has a plan for me.  He knows what he is doing.  And if it is His will that I have 1 2 3 more babies, then so it shall be.  But I think I need a rest after this one. :-)

I am so tired.  I remember being somewhat tired with Big C, but I can't remember if it was this early in the pregnancy or not.  I never really did get my second wind that is supposed to come with the 2nd trimester.  But my OB reminded me that with second and subsequent pregnancies, you normally don't get that boost of energy as much as you did in your first pregnancy.  So ladies who are preggo with your first....take does get a little tougher the next time around.  I'm also noticing the normal pregnancy ailments most of us experience...a lot sooner this time around as well.  Again, my OB reminded me that I would be experiencing nearly everything earlier this time than I did with my first pregnancy.

I never actually told the story of discovering I was pregnant the second time here, but I will let you know that I knew I was pregnant at 1 week into it.  Sure you say, how is that possible, it is.  Literally at the moment of conception my body began to change and immediately I became exhausted.  That 1st trimester-I-feel-like-I've-just-run-a-marathon-and-I-haven't-even-made-it-out-of-bed kind of exhausted.  I after one week of that I knew I was either pregnant...or something was wrong with me and I needed to see the doctor.  I even went and bought a pregnancy test on July 2nd because I was so sure of what I was feeling.  I took the test and got a BFN result.  I thought, OK, I'm must be something else going on.  But I swear to you I have never felt that tired except when I was pregnant.  So since my test was a two-pack, I took the other one on the 10th of July and got a barely visible, but it was there BFP.  I picked up another test just to be sure and took that on the 17th and it was a no mistake about it BFP.  The line was coming up and darkening within seconds of peeing on the stick!  And...I was joyous!

So you probably didn't want to hear or know all that, but hey, it makes me feel that much closer to you. :-)  With it being the holidays, I have so many things to do and just no energy to do them.  Cookies to bake, cinnamon cakes to bake, bread to bake.  Making dinner has now become a chore.  Running around after an 11 month old zaps what little energy I wake up with in a matter of minutes.  I have been going to bed right after he does these days.  I just can't help it.  To top it all off I've been running around with shopping and getting family photos done.  And the ever loving trip to the dentist.  It seems I can't go a pregnancy without a root canal.  Each time it has flared up too.  I'm taking penicillin now as prescribed by my dentist and OK'd by my OB since they feel it could be an infection starting.  The sucker is flipping pounding!  And of course, I can't take anything for pain other than Tylenol.  And let's face it....for a toothache, Tylenol is like taking a Tic Tac and saying it'll take the edge off.  Ummm...not.  So I'll be revisiting the dentist tomorrow morning.  Let's hope it turns out favorably.  Oh...I also got the proof for my Christmas card back and it looks great.  Perhaps a few of you will get to see one in person. ;-)  I'm also trying to figure out what to do for Big C's 1st Birthday.  I'm thinking a party here at home for him, just a small gathering of family.  I'll be baking his cake, plus another cake for the rest of us to enjoy...teehee.  I'm just thinking about a theme.  It might be Mickey Mouse since he seems to be into him lately.  Well, him, Handy Manny and Pooh.  But I have to have it pulled together by the 15th so I can let everyone know and plan ahead.

I'll leave you with some family photos we had done Saturday.  Enjoy!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Where Does it Go?

I look at my beautiful son and it is hard to believe that in a mere 29 days he will be a year old. An entire year has passed. A year since I first held him in my arms. A year since I first breathed him in. A year since I first called him and he looked at me. A year since his first bath. A year since that first diaper change. A year since that first breastfeeding. A year since the first bottle, burp and spit up. I'm not ashamed to admit that I look at him and just cry my eyes out. I'm not sure he will ever be able to understand just how much I love him. I don't think he'll ever know how much he was wanted. How I prayed for him and how grateful I am to have him.

Although he is still a baby and he is and always will be my baby, I wonder where my baby went. Time is moving too quickly for me. I try to savor each and every second I have with him, but it just never seems like it is enough and he is just growing up before my eyes. I know I have his brother or sister on the way and I'm forever grateful for him/her and I can't wait to meet my little darling. But it is so hard watching Big C grow up. I love seeing his milestones and I am beaming with pride. He makes my heart just sing. I want to see him grow into a respectful, honest, compassionate, honorable, moral and driven man. Just...not too quickly. I guess perhaps because I am 33, time is moving faster. That happens when you get older you know. You may think its all bullcockey, but it is true. The older you get, the faster time rolls on. I don't know, maybe if I had him younger I'd feel different, but somehow I doubt it. Words just cannot express how much I love and adore that little boy. Thank you, Lord for the best present be a Mommy.

Monday, November 30, 2009

23 Weeks and Counting - Plus Pictures!

First a picture of Big C at Halloween.  He was a lamb!
Returned from another OB appointment some time ago.  Baby is doing well.  The sonogram results were back and everything looked great.  Heart rate was between 140-150.  Oh yeah, by the way.  The sonogram I had done on Saturday, the baby didn't want to give up the goods.  So we don't know if it is a boy or a girl!  SURPRISE!  K had to take the day off work today...without pay...yipee.  Since my blood pressure doesn't always want to cooperate, occasionally I might be sent to L&D to have it monitored for an hour.  With the flu pandemic rolling, the hospital is taking extra precautions, and they should, to protect those who are in them from outsiders bringing the flu in.  So they won't allow me to take Big C back with me while I am monitored.  I don't have a babysitter.  My cousin A is the closest thing I'll get to having someone watch him for me, and she works on Mondays.  My dad would have watched him, but he had work and my brother...well...he gets the willies if left alone with him for more than an hour.  He is better set with older kids...little ones scare him when it comes to being alone and  So it left us with K staying home to be with him as our only option.  But it was nice.  Because K is gone 14 hours a day for work (including his hellacious commute) he never has the opportunity to go to any OB appointments with me.  Today was the first time he was able to hear his new baby's heartbeat.  Luckily, my BP was high, but not enough to send me to L&D for monitoring.

I spoke to my OB about this time trying for a VBAC and he said that was just fine.  I really do want the experience.  No, I'd totally skip the labor pain if I could.  But I'd like to experience having that bloody, wiggly screaming darling gift from God slapped up onto my chest as I grab him/her and say my first hello.  I'd like to be able to have the family I care about be there with me as I bring him/her into the world.  And let's face it.  I know other women ask me if I am insane because I want to experience labor (I never went into labor with Big C, then scheduled the section because I was 5 days overdue, he was high in my belly with no intention of dropping and the sonograms said he was 13 pounds!  He was 9lbs. 7oz....just in case you were wondering).  Well, I'd like to pose the same question to them.  Do you really think having a c-section is *easier*?  Having your abdomen sliced open, your guts and muscles shifted around, baby pulled out and then guts and muscles shuffled again and stapled back up?  Honestly ladies....a c-section isn't *that* bad...but a vaginal delivery sure as hell beats a c-section!  I mean come on now!

I have decided that if the baby shows large or hasn't dropped by the time my due date rolls around.  I'm just going to opt for a c-section.  There is no reason for me to be stubborn and put myself or the baby at any more risk than need be.  Sure, I won't have my prime choices for a c-section date (do people really obsess over that?  I mean, if the baby came via vagina you really wouldn't have that much of a choice on birthdays would you?  Seems weird to me.) but that is OK.  Healthy baby is more important than if the baby is born on an even or odd numbered day.  So I'm going to take my time, let my baby grow and develop and see what things look like in January-February.  Perhaps I'll be ready to make a concrete decision on a section then.

We've set up our Christmas tree.  The first one since the Christmas before my mother passed.  Mom really loved Christmas.  It was one of her most favorite holidays.  When she died, it just....was never the same.  It became painful, sad and a bitter reminder of the loss we all have come to know.  I told myself and everyone else that if the Lord had blessed me with a child, then things would change.  We would have a real Christmas again.  Mom would have wanted it that way.  K also put up decorations outside and trimmed the house in lights.  He took me by the hand last night, after he had finished and walked me around to the front.  And all I could really do was stand there and cry.  It looks beautiful.  My mom would have loved it.  It was really hard this time last year.  I was expecting Big C on December 26th.  And I really wanted her to be here, to see him, to know him and to love him.  I wanted him to know her, love her and see her the way I and everyone who knew her did.  But it's more difficult this year.  Because this year, Big C *is* here, the tree *is* up, and the house *is* decorated.  And in every strand of lights, branch of tree, ornament, bow, nativity scene and note of Christmas carols she *is* there.  I really miss her.  A lot.

Thanksgiving was wonderful.  I have so many wonderful things to be thankful for...and I am.  I am truly blessed and God is wonderful!  My life isn't perfect and trust me, I have hardships...but when I gaze into the face of my darling boy and I feel the karate moves of my darling yet to be born, and I watch the faces of my father, brother and husband as they talk, play and snuggle with Big C all I can think is how wonderful, giving and amazing God is and how fortunate I am.

I'm going to go for now.  My back is beginning to hurt a little.  My OB said everything you experience in your first pregnancy, you usually feel it sooner in the next one.  Well, I'm feelin' it!  Wowza.  My ribs are the worst.  Holy Hannah do they scream by the end of the day.  But it's all so worth it.  I just realized that I have been pregnant for the last two 4th of Julys, Labor Days, Halloweens, Thanksgivings and Christmas'!  Well, no wonder I'm feeling it.  I'll have been pregnant for 18 months out of 24 when baby #2 gets here!  *Grins*  I'm so bleeping happy to be me!!!!

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Big C's First Illness, House Changes, and Nostalgia All @ 22 Weeks Pregnant

I had the hubs take my computer apart and put it into storage while my floors were being refinished back in September. It's still there in storage. So, I'm using the laptop now while my darling boy takes a nap.

So many things have been going on over the last 6 weeks or so. Rearranging the house, specifically the kitchen. Putting things in storage while taking stuff out to replace it. Coupled with the everyday routine and weekend hullabaloo, it gets hectic and I find myself wondering where the day week month went. Time is flying. I just never seem to have enough of it.

On the house front, my floor turned out great and I'm really happy with them. The thing that sucks is that Cliff is a never ending source of hair that is dropped onto it all day long. The's not being trapped in carpeting. It's a lot of cleaning, but it easier to clean...if that makes sense. We went out and bought a Shark Pocket Mop steamer to run over the floors when I'm feeling psycho and must have the floor sanitized. Got it at a great deal from Bj's. It's was 99 bucks, at least 20-40 bucks cheaper than Wal-Mart and Target wanted. I love it, it rocks. It does the job and I feel safer about having Big C zooming across the floors.

Speaking of Big C. He is 10 and a half months old and I wonder where the time has gone. It seems like it was only yesterday I was rocking him and singing him a lullaby to sleep, listening to his little "mews" as he drank his bottle and delighted at his dimples when he worked his best at those first smiles. I still delight at his dimples. But I long for the moments of just holding him, rocking him, singing him to sleep and breathing him in at every chance I had. He is now at the age where he isn't into being held as much, wriggles about, wants down and is into everything. I knew this time would come. Only, I didn't know it would come so soon. Sure, there are moments when he lets me snuggle him up and rock him, sing to him and breathe him in. But more often than not the attempts are met with chubby hands grabbing my cheeks and pushing my face away while giggling wildly. And while that is adorable in it's own right....I sure do miss my baby. :-) I find myself looking at pictures or videos of him as a newborn or at 3 months old and bawling my eyes out. Now, it could just be my pregnancy hormones talking, which is likely the case, but I'm finding myself so nostalgic about him and so thankful to God that he has Blessed me with him. He is nothing short of every way.

He is all about pulling himself up to standing now. He can crawl like no ones business and is faster than a speeding bullet when on all fours. He can pull himself up on furniture with ease and practices stooping and squatting. All while still holding on. He's has not gotten brave enough to let go and balance yet. But I see the look in his eye, he's getting close. Poor little guy came down with his very first cold on Monday. I have been somewhat of a mess. I mean I have my stuff together, but at the same time I'm a psycho worried momma. Can't help it....he's my baby and this is the first time we've gone through this together. So it's a learning experience for me. OK, not that I have ever known anyone who enjoyed their child being sick, but this just sucks. I feel like a failure (much as I did when my efforts at breastfeeding were thwarted by Big C being admitted into the hospital for bilirubin issues and losing weight) as a parent. My baby is sick and the best I can do is....nothing. I can hold him, comfort him and tell him I love him, but he really just doesn't want to hear it nor does he feel like snuggling. He just wants to cry and be cranky because he feels horrible. And I am helpless. I give him some medicine to help his fever, but that is all I can really do. It's not like he appreciates my suctioning his nose out....he abhors it, thrashing around and screaming, batting my hands away from his face and sobbing. Do you have any idea how that breaks a mother's heart? To know that now you have become the source of your child's anguish? It's bad enough he has a cold but here I am coming at him like a mad scientist with contraptions to suck his brains out and objects that go up his bum and make his belly button feel as though is it might pop out. No wonder he looks at me and cries. I'm a Mistress of Torture to him! And it is very overwhelming. I find myself crying as much as he does. The light at the end of the tunnel came today as he seems to be improving and is willingly eating and drinking and smiling more. Thank you, Lord. :-)

This weekend I have another sonogram scheduled as the first one I had in October lacked the cardiac views and a few others the OB wants redone. In case you are wondering, yes, we know what we are having....a baby! But we don't know the sex yet. The wee one didn't want to cooperate in that area at the time. It may be possible on Saturday, but there is a part of me that would like to have it a surprise. I'll see if I can hold out. ;-) I'm 22 weeks pregnant today and I'm feeling the babe move now, have for a few weeks now. And I have to say, this has to be the absolute best thing about being pregnant, other than knowing you will hold your little darling in your arms when they can no longer fit in your belly! So I am enjoying it immensely right now. I have been having some issues with blood pressure and aching in my wrists and arms. Trouble sleeping is a fact of life now, but I've been there before so it's OK. Just a lot tougher when you have a 10 month old to tend to all day and your only moment of rest is nap time. I knew having babies so close together would be hard, and I'm getting the feeling that right now, taking care of one while pregnant with the other is just a preview of the tough road ahead. I keep thinking that once the baby is born it will be easier because I won't have my pregnancy ailments to hold me back. That being very true, it will be something else at one time or another, I'm sure! But, it's all good and totally 100% worth it. I love my babies!

Well, I need to close for now. My back is freaking killing me, I gotta pee and I hear Big C stirring from his afternoon nap. I'll try to update things in a more timely fashion. But to be honest, even if I had my computer set up....I can barely find the time to sleep and take a shower let alone blog! Until next time!


Friday, October 9, 2009

So Much Stuff To Do

Literally no time to do it! Oh, it would be great if I had unlimited funds. I'd just have other people do it for me. I'm in my 2nd trimester and I'm waiting for my energy to return. And waiting. I actually got a bit of a wind today and decided to make sloppy joe's for lunch and I'm doing Chicken Parmesan with rosemary roasted red potatoes for dinner tonight. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it.

I've been downing Gatorade and water like no ones business, but I just can't seem to get hydrated enough. No, I don't have a doctor's confirmation on this, but let just say my urine has been orangie (which my OB told me was because I needed to drink more...tests were find, just concentrated urine) for quite some time now. It does worry me, but I'm not sure what more I can do but drink what I can drink without throwing it up from over-doing it. I mean I am getting up at least once during the night for a potty break.

In other news, my brother is still in the nursing home rehabbing. I had not discussed it in the blog prior to now, only a brief mentioning of it without details. And I'll spare you the details, but he was in the hospital for 2 weeks....two different hospitals mind you. The boobs at the first hospital sent him home after only 1 week and he wound up being sent to the other hospital the very next day. After being there for a week, they moved him to a nursing home where he has to continue his treatment and therapy. He was hoping they'd send him home today. But, no phone call from him tells me it's a no go. And honestly, there is no reason why he can't come home. He is taking his antibiotics by mouth and has been for the last week and a half, he's up moving, walking, showering and he needs to have his legs bandaged 2 times a day. Well I can do that part for him. I was there, watched the nurse do it and she didn't nothing special. Just plain old wrapping from toes to below the knee. He is miserable, bored and he misses Big C terribly. And Big C misses his Uncle J as well. Oh and the's horrid. I mean...I have never seen anything like it. He had a piece of lemon cake and gave it to me. I took a bite and nearly gagged. I have never in my life had a piece of cake that was *chewy*. It was so tough and the taste was...*gag*. I barely was able to swallow it and I handed it back and said no thanks! He took a bite and promptly threw it in the trash. Each time I visit him I take him something yummy to eat, as does my Dad. I feel sorry for those folks who are permanent residents there. They have no choice but to eat that for the rest of their lives! And sadly, there are some there that never get a visitor to bring them something yummy to eat and sit down for a chat....or even a smile. I have taken Big C with me twice when I've gone to see him and let me just ell you that seeing a baby just lights up those old folks lives. Their faces light up, they smile and wave and tell him how precious he is and they comment on his outfit or his shoes. Mostly he gets how pretty his blue eyes are. And he is just as happy to look at them and just smile away. And I know that just makes their day as we roll on down the hall to visit Jim, or when heading out to go home.

I'm finally getting my floors done. FINALLY! They will be coming to refinish the hardwood floors (that I never knew we had!) on Monday. After ripping up this decrepit carpeting of course. I cannot wait for it to be over and done with. K has Monday off for Columbus day, but the job will take at least 5 days for completion. I still haven't gotten Big C a Halloween costume yet. I can't make up my mind for what it is that I want for him to be. And time is ticking darn it! I also would like to get some photos done as I'd like to get a jump on my Christmas cards and have been thinking about doing one of the photo ones. But I'm just so darn tired! Ugh, I never have the energy to get on a roll and get this stuff done. Maybe it'll be a little better in the next week or so. :-)

On the pregnancy front, I've mentioned my big u/s is scheduled for the end of the month. Along with my flu shot, Big C's flu shot booster and potentially the swine flu shots as well. I still haven't made up my mind about it. But the fact that 1 in 3 pregnant women who have become infected die, kinda makes me more scared *not* to get it. Also, I'm worried about the baby. No, I don't have any reason to be concerned. *knocks on wood* But I just am. And yes, I've been pregnant once before and not very long ago! But I'm still an expectant mommy and fears and worries swim in my head all the time. I'm afraid they will find something on the u/s or that they will say the baby isn't OK. I really want the end of the month to get here so I can get it over with. I mean, I want to be happy and joyous as I watch my little one moving around and hear that he or she is healthy. But I also am totally ready for peace of mind. The worry is just so hard. I got to hear the heartbeat on the 28th of September, but man, waiting 4-5 weeks to hear it again and to know they baby is OK is just tough!

Speaking of fears. Let me also say that the pregnancy nightmares SUCK! This is my least favorite part of pregnancy...along with hemorrhoids. One of them was that I was drinking alcohol (which I do rarely anyway) while pregnant and did serious damage to my baby resulting in losing it. Then another was the dreaded hemorrhaging upon visiting the bathroom and losing the baby. I can't say enough how much I dislike these nightmares! I had them with Big C as well. And yeah, I had the ones *after* he was born and those are just awful as well. Thankfully, they subsided after the first few months.

Well, I should go, this chicken isn't going to pound, bread and cook itself!


Tuesday, September 29, 2009

14W and 5D

I love this picture of Big C and my Dad on the tractor. Below the photos are a progression.  Big C fell asleep in his high chair and woke up when he heard the camera click.

I can hardly believe it's been that long already. Part of my brain is trying to figure out where the last 3 1/2 months went while the other part is saying, "Hurry up and give me a baby already!" Well, HELLO brain, we have to finish growing the baby first! Besides, I still have a baby. He'll always be my baby, even though he is growing up so fast. *sniff*

Let me start off with a brief discussion on the weather. It will tie in with my pregnancy post, don't worry. I love autumn. That briskness to the air, without the bite of winter. It makes you feel so alive! I love the changing colors and the smell of fireplaces mingling in the night air. However, what I am not a fan of is dampness. The cold kind. Sure it's fine when it rains in the summer, but when it's cold and you get a downpour places you never knew existed being to ache. It's probably just me cause I'm old. My ankle, leg and knees don't like it at all, thanks to a car accident several years ago. But now I'm finding my hips and pelvis don't either.

So just what the heck is going on? Well, I can't say for sure but it probably has something to do with carrying my little porker around last year. And continuing to carry him this year, outside of the womb as he hasn't learned to walk just yet. And I'm fairly sure it also has to do with carrying my current angel in the womb around, coupled with severe bouts of morning sickness, which I call morning, noon and night sickness(MN&NS), in which I pulled like....every muscle in my pelvic floor from heaving and retching.

I think I know why they don't want to risk letting you try to deliver a big baby (10 lbs+) your first time, but are willing to let you try the second time. Seems those joints and muscles get all loosey goosey even more so the second time around! It still hurts to roll over in bed, walk and stand up! I'm just going to have to be a lot more careful this time, especially since I'm hefting Big C around as well. And he's no feather!

Speaking of Big C I have to give an update. We went for his 9 month appointment yesterday. He is coming along wonderfully! And he must be taking after the Danish side of his father's family because this boy is big. I'm not saying that because he is chubby. Sure, he is greater than the 95 percentile in weight. But he is also greater than the 95 percentile in height/length! He weighs 26 lbs and is 30 inches. 30 inches! Well, he does have big hands and feet. He also got his first does of the seasonal flu vaccine and I was so proud of him. He made just a peep. That was it! No screaming, not even a single tear! That's my boy!!! *Sniff* He's growing up so fast. I love and adore him so. His laughter, smiles, funny faces, everything about him and I've been Blessed to have been given such an amazing son. I have enjoyed watching him develop. I do miss my newborn though. I ache for those days. And I'm sure when he is 9 years old, I will be aching for the days when he was 9 months.

Alright, so back to pregnancy. I've mentioned in previous posts some *realizations* if you will, of Motherhood. Well, at least one of them starts during pregnancy. I am losing my mind! Seriously, if I don't write things down within moments of thinking about them, they are gone. *POOF* Adios! I've heard it called several things, pregnancy brain, momnesia, placenta brain. But man, it can be so frustrating. And in my house people are notorious for asking you things last minute.
Them: "I'm going to the store, need me to pick up anything?"

Me: "What?! Now?! Umm....wait...I think there was something, but I can't remember! Oh dear, was, it wasn't. Shoot, I can't think of it now. You can't ask me stuff last minute like this. I need time to think about it!"
I'm hoping to remember it so I can call on the cell phone and get whatever it was I needed. But of course I won't remember until they are nearly pulling into the drive way. Or worse yet, I have to call 4 times because I keep remembering more things. Bless my husband. He just asks, "Are you sure that's it?" Then he starts giving suggestions and asking if we need this or that to help me out.

I'm also trying to figure out what is going on with my hair. While I was pregnant, I lost hardly any was wonderful! Then about 3 months after Big C was born it began falling in clumps almost. My hands would be covered in the shower. I am forever pulling it out of the baby's hands, his mouth, off his clothes. So now that I'm pregnant again, I wonder if I'll stop losing it? That would be nice. But I'm afraid that I'd probably go completely bald 3 months after this baby is born. Haha. I shouldn't laugh, but that would be kinda funny. Although I'd be sobbing then, so I can laugh now.

So, I'm 14W and 5D. I went for my third OB appointment yesterday. This time I saw Dr. M and was told when making my next appointment that they will be alternating doctors each and every time. I saw Dr. S for the majority of my pregnancy with Big C, but that was only because I prefer early appointments. Both doctors were there for my c-section and I couldn't have asked for better guys to take care of Big C and I. They did a wonderful job keeping us healthy and safe. I know it was God who sent me in the direction of these two doctors. After all the problems I had had in the past, it was not until I came to see Dr. M that I knew I have found the doctor I wanted to stick with. So I would like to say Thank You, Lord for sending me in their direction!

The appointment started off well. Dr. M gave me some suggestions on keeping hydrated enough. I've been having trouble with that this time around, mostly from all the MN&NS. Then we got down to the business of using the Doppler to listen for the baby's heartbeat. And we heard it! YAY! I was so happy to finally hear my little darlings heart beating with the Doppler. There was also quite a bit of squishing sounds, which Dr. M said was the baby moving. Double YAY! The heart rate was in the range of 150 bpm. So at this point, it could be a girl or a boy. The early U/S had a heart rate of 167 bmp. The 150 range can be tricky. But I'll be happy with either sex. I'll take another boy just as happily as a girl. I just want healthy babies.

The end of October will prove to be hectic. Big C will go back to the doctor for his flu shot booster and I will be getting mine at the same time. I'll also be getting blood work done to make sure my thyroid is in check and that I won't need to readjust my dosage of medication. I'm also scheduled for the *big* U/S, the fetal anatomy one where they measure all the organs, bones and look for any abnormalities. Then my next OB appointment is a few days after. Oh, and to top it off, I've been selected for jury duty! And it starts on the day of my next OB appointment. What a drag! I though I could be slick and be excused since I've served before. But I served 4 years ago and you have to have served within the last 3 years. So I'm going to send in my paperwork, but I'm going to ask to be rescheduled for a medical appointment, explaining that currently I am attending every 4-5 weeks and I'll be happy to serve if they can schedule me either 3 or 6 weeks from when they originally want me. The toughest part will be finding someone to watch Big C for me while I go. I may be able to solicit the help of my cousin, but she wouldn't be able to help me on the days that she works. I have a few friends who would be willing to watch him, but they live too far away and I'd have to get Big C up at the crack of dawn to drop him off 30 miles away. I'll just have to see how it goes. Anyway, I need to get going, it is almost time for Big C to have lunch and then take a nap.


Friday, September 25, 2009

When it Rains, It Pours...

And I think I'm finally realizing what it is like to let God be my umbrella. I'm always finding myself yearning to be more spiritual than I am. And I think that is a good thing. At times I feel lost and like I don't really know what to do. Is there a certain way I should be praying, am I doing it right? Should I being doing something before praying so that my being a sinner doesn't just cancel it out? Some of those questions may seem silly. And perhaps they are. But I find myself constantly questioning myself and wondering if I'm doing things the right way. As if I don't worship in the proper order it doesn't count. Why do I feel this way? I wish I knew. It is as if I am compelled to do things in an orderly fashion. Everyone I spoken to about God, worship, faith and prayer has told me that there is no *order* that you can simply talk to Him. So, no actual prayers? Like, if I don't say the Lord's Prayer each time, He will still listen to me?

Now you may think to yourself,
"My goodness, this poor woman hasn't the faintest and how sad."
Well, yeah, you are probably right. But that is why I'm having this introspective moment and trying to figure out what it is that compels me to think like this and inadvertently puts up a wall between my relationship with God. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't have complete faith in Him, or that I don't love Him or want to praise and worship Him. I do. I just, always feel like I have to follow some rule or something, otherwise my prayers, my praise and my thanks might not get heard. Why is that?! It's so frustrating. It's so difficult to have everyone tell you that there are no rules, these is no order or pattern that must be followed. But I can't seem to just let that go. What the heck is wrong with me?

I do simply talk to Him. Tell Him what is on my mind. Ask for His help. Thank Him for all the wonderful things He has given to me. But I feel like something is missing. Like there should be more. Even when I do say prayers along with my just talking to Him, I feel like I have not completed something. That I am inadequate. I know that I am, but I am speaking in regards to my relationship with Him. That I'm dropping the ball. I just wish I knew what the missing part was and what I needed to do find it.

So many things have happened over this last week. My brother is still in the hospital and I'm so desperately worried about him. I'm worried about my son getting sick with the same thing. I have my 3rd OB appointment on Monday and I'm worried I won't hear the baby's heartbeat or that something might be wrong. I would go through the details here, but there is so much, I just don't feel like I've enough energy to write it all down now.

I have been talking to the Lord a lot more these days. And it feels good to to able to lay my burdens down in front of Him, I just can't seem to loosen my grasp on them and let Him have them completely. I feel guilty about it. I feel as though He might view me as selfish because I want him to keep my family safe and healthy, to keep my son from getting ill and to heal the infection that is ravaging my brother. Like I am not worthy enough to ask such things of Him. I don't deserve it. And it breaks my heart because I fear that because I don't deserve His mercy, that my brother will get worse, my son will get sick and my family won't stay healthy. Isn't that ridiculous? I know that God is love. That He is unchanging and that what He wanted for us in the beginning, He still wants for us. Otherwise He would not have sent His only Son to be crucified for our salvation.

I mean, He has done things for me that I don't think I could ever thank Him adequately enough for. He gave me a son. A child that I yearned for and never thought I would have. And he is perfect, healthy and just amazing. And not only has He given me Big C, but He has Blessed me with another child who is in my womb. Not just one child, but two. What have I ever done for God to deserve such a Blessing? I am a sinner. My sins hurt Him, yet He still loves me enough to give me the greatest thing I think I could ever ask for, and that is being a mother. Wow, I am just so confused. Perhaps some of this is just *pregnancy hormones* talking and that is why I am contradicting myself somewhat. I don't know.

What I do know is that I want to expand my relationship with Him. I want to deepen it and I want to stop feeling as though I'm not doing something right when talking to Him. Now, I just need to figure out how to do that.


Tuesday, September 8, 2009

It's A New Day

My husband, K had the week off, which was awesome. He hasn't had the opportunity to have a vacation, nor could we afford one, let alone just pick up and go. Which means that he hasn't had time off since Big C was born. It's difficult enough for him to be gone 14 hours a day and get home just as it's time for Big C to go to bed. Needless to say, that doesn't leave much time for bonding. Well, this week has been wonderful for that. So much so that I noticed Big C even preferring to be with K over me! No, that doesn't upset me. His daddy is providing him what he needs. Personally, I think it's because K can lift him high up in the air and do reps with him. I just can't do that....that boy weighs 26 and a half pounds. Yes, I'm a weakling.

It has just been the best week ever. I absolutely *love* watching my husband hold, play, feed, change and read to him, among shushing him to lull him to sleep at night. I don't know about you, but it just makes me fall in love with him all over again. At that moment, he is the sexiest man alive and irresistible and I feel so Blessed to be married to him. I can't explain it. But your child(ren) are the most important thing in life to you and it's just overwhelmingly (is that a word?) awesome to see the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with, to make babies with and to part only when the Lord above says it's time, love and be just as nuts about them as you are.

It's Tuesday, and he's back to work. I was dreading it, not wanting him to go and it's sucks that I'm home alone with Big C today. But at the same time it was kind of nice too. Big C and I were able to go back and have our quiet morning Mommy and Son time, which I cherish since he's more of a morning person and very smiley in the am. I'm also amazed because he has been playing quietly in his playpen while I did some cleaning up (bottles don't wash themselves you know) and sat down to write this quickly. I think it's the new toy we bought him yesterday. He's been batting it around in there because I hear the music going off.

On the pregnancy front, I had my second appointment with the OB last Monday, the 31st. I was 10W 4D preggo and the doctor was hoping we would be luck enough to hear the heartbeat. But nothing. He thought he heard something but unless it's clear enough for me to hear it too then it's a no dice. He was nice enough to offer to send me for a sonogram if I was worried, or if I was comfortable with waiting another 4 weeks we could try the Doppler again. If you knew me, then you'd know I would jump at the chance for the sonogram so I could have peace of mind. But, I didn't this time. The doctor said everything seemed to be going well, my uterus was growing, which meant baby was growing. So I opted to wait. What the heck was I thinking?!? I have been driving myself batty every few days thinking about it. I'm such a worry wart, I just can't help it. I'm just saying positive. There is a reason my doctor told me when I was pregnant with Big C, "Don't watch those TV shows and don't read things online. Only read the book we give you. That has everything you need to know in it. The stuff they show on TV needs to have drama value and they usually pick the more traumatic which is not a reflection of the whole." OK, how can you *not* read other stuff or watch those shows about babies being born on TV? It's so hard! On the other hand, when you are a nervous wreck because the person on the TV show has talked about her 3 miscarriages, or the person online is talking about their stillborn birth you wish you would have listened to the doctor. So take it from me, a hormonal, emotional naturally worrisome when not pregnant woman. Don't watch or read that stuff!

Other than that, I've been sleeping terribly lately. I was told to thank my hormones for that. I'm still very tired too. That should be subsiding soon, as should the morning sickness. Which I have to say, hasn't been too bad the last few days. I can feel my rings getting a bit tighter too. And some of the lower back pain has started, but it's not too bad right now. So far so good. I'm looking forward to my next appointment which will be the end of this month. We should hear the heartbeat then since I'll be 14 weeks. That will make me feel much better. :-)


Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Honest Scrap Award

Back on July 25th I received this award from my wonderful friend, Shannon at Confessions of a Resilient Survivor. I've not blogged in a long time so when she reminded me of it, I made a new entry in order to catch up, but did not do an entry for the award. Thank you, Shannon, I've never gotten an award before so it's really cool! The requirements of the award are simple: List the 10 things most people do not know about me. Here we go:

1. I miss my Mom more and more each day that passes. Since I became a mother myself, her absence is hitting me harder. I would really love to have her here to go to for advice, to watch her hold my son, hug him, kiss him and be just plain insane over him, like I know for sure she would have been. When the stresses of being a mommy push me to tears, I wish she was here for me to go to and get a big hug from her and understanding nod from someone who has been there done that and could write the book on it. Now that I am pregnant with my second child, I feel those emotions and desires flooding back again even stronger. Wonder how am I gonna do this with two. However, even though she may not be here physically, I know she is watching out for me. I know she is with me and that she is hugging my babies every chance she gets, I just can't see it.

2. Sometimes, I don't enjoy being a dog breeder. It can be heart-breaking. It is my clear passion and has been since I was a kid. It was something my Mom and I did as a team. I put countless hours into raising puppies. Money, I don't even want to begin to think of how much I've spent over the years. But it's a hobby that I love, and one that hurts too. Nothing sucks more than sitting up all night feeding, caring for and nurturing those sweet little angels only to have one or more take a turn for the worse and all your hard work is for naught. Or losing your bitch during an emergency c-section. It is something that is so rewarding...not only because I have produced wonderfully well-rounded, healthy and structurally sound puppies worthy of being champions. But when the right puppy is placed with the right family...the joy it brings them is something than cannot be manufactured. It makes my heart sing when I hear folks say, "This is the most amazing dog we have ever owned. She/He is like one of our children and we have never been so happy." But the endless nights crying and holding a puppy who is cold, lifeless and gasping for it's last breath is overwhelming. And I tell myself all the time that I just can't do this anymore, that it hurts too much. The next time around, I think things might be better, so I try again. Must just be a glutton for punishment.

3. I'm addicted to office supplies. Specifically pens. I don't know why, I just am. I love having all different types of them at my disposal, though I don't and never will use them all, I can't seem to just toss them.

4. I haven't bought a new pair of sneakers in 14 years. I'm still wearing the same ones. I just haven't found ones that I really like yet.

5. I'm actually a very shy person at heart. I push myself to be outgoing and talkative because no one wants to be friends with a wall flower. It seems like I make friends easily, but I don't. I make acquaintances easily. Friends, well I've only made a handful over the years that I actually consider "friends". I'm learning to trust people less and less. And that is so sad.

6. I love classical music. I couldn't tell you which piece was composed by whom or even the name of the piece. I just know I enjoy listening to it.

7. I have recurring dreams of tornadoes and they freak me out. A phobia perhaps, but not one in which I cannot function in my everyday life. I'm just plain scared of them and I fear for my family and my animals if one were to hit. Needless to say, you'll never find me living in Tornado Alley.

8. I don't like cats. I don't hate them, but they aren't my pets of choice, although I always find myself with one around. Perhaps if they were more like dogs I'd like them alot more.

9. There are so many things I want to do with and in and on my home, but I'll never get to do it. I will never be able to afford it. I enjoy dreaming about what I could do to make things more like I'd prefer. I know they are pipe dreams and will never happen.

10. I worry about my family all the time. We have our share of health problems. But those people inside these walls are my life. The only family I have. And between their age and health issues, I find myself scared of the inevitable coming too soon. Sure I know I'll never be prepared. And I started my family late, which is no ones fault. I just want everyone to have enough time to enjoy one another. It's bad enough my children will not know their Grandmother, I want them to have a good solid knowledge of who their family is and how much they are loved by them.

Thank you again for the award, Shannon. I'm not passing it on just yet, I don't really have anyone in mind. But when I do, I will make sure to pass it along.


Thursday, August 13, 2009

What Gives?

Holy moley! It's been 4 months since my last blog. Sorry about that. I know inquiring minds are just burning to know whats been happening with me. Well...I've been really busy being a mom. Well that and Facebook. I confess, I'm addicted. I tried Twitter and I'm just not that into tweeting. But I like Facebook. I've found so many people from my days at St. Ursula, to my High Schools days and everyone in between. I can't say I've started any fire burning relationships. Truth is, most of the people I have listed as friends (family aside of course) I wasn't all that *friendly* with in the first place. Most were acquaintances, few were friends. And all of them, with the exception of 1 or two I fell out of touch with almost as quickly as we became friends. I would like to think it's just because I moved my last year of high school and those folks I was close with never called after graduation day because my new phone number was now long distance and their parents wouldn't let them call. But, that's probably not the case. In any event, it's old news. I'm enjoying seeing what those folks are up to, their families and what things they find interest in these days, so long after school ended. Other than playing catch up, some of the games are addicting. And if I get one more invite to a farming game (Chelle) I'm gonna blow my top. They are a weakness for me and it's like everyone knows it! But, it's nice to sit back and play a little while my little guy takes a nap.

OK, so now that I've gotten Facebook out of the way....what else has been going on in the last 4 months? Hmm....well. It's been pretty much the same. The end of April saw Big C's Christening, which went well, for the most part. In a previous blog you'll see where I posted my cousin was christening her daughter, E, who is 4 weeks younger than Big C on the same day. Needless to say, the event was going really well until her wacko sister-in-law decided to show her butt and make a scene. Now, I'm not going to get into details here, because honestly you probably wouldn't care *why* she acted like a jackass. But she stormed out of the christening like....well, a jackass...braying all the way to her car. Good riddance to bad rubbish is what I always say! Anywho, other than her ridiculous outburst, it went off quite nicely and everyone had a nice time.

Let's see...May. What happened in May? It was J's birthday. We celebrated with ice cream and cake and sang 'Happy Birthday'. J held Big C while we sang and he wanted the cake...badly. So we took pictures and laughed and enjoyed J's day. Nothing really notable happened the rest of the month, just the usual. June went by, pretty much the same...a pretty quiet month.

July marked our annual trip to A's house for a cookout, fireworks and good times. There were a lot more people this year, which was nice too. A and her hubby just got a pool this year so fun was had by all....except me, I didn't go swimming, but it was because I didn't want don't freak out on me! Big C did really well, it was the longest he had been away from home. But when it came time for fireworks, it was difficult to get him to lay down and go to sleep. I did manage to get him to sleep, only to have him wake up 30 minutes later. He just wasn't going to sleep in someone else's home. Mommy's arms were more comfortable and he settled down and watched the fireworks from A's front lawn with awe and wonder. Everyone had fun. I also attended my 15th high school reunion. It was nice to see people from back in the days of Parkville and do a little catching up. That was lots of fun. Some other things have happened during the month of July, but I'll keep them under wraps for now.

Other than that, I've just been spending my days being a Mommy and watching Big C grow and develop. I can hardly believe he is 7 months old already. Where did the time go? I can remember thinking he was so small in my arms and now I nearly throw out my back lifting him! But I cannot say it enough, I love this little boy. I adore him and yes, there are days he drives me bananas, but I wouldn't change anything. I am so Blessed, so thankful and so fortunate to have such an amazing little child in my life. As far as this month goes, K and I celebrated our 8th anniversary on August 11th. Again I feel Blessed and fortunate to have such an amazing man as my husband, father of my child and best friend. I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life with him, having more children with him and experiencing what life has to offer us, together.

I'll end this entry here since Big C is waking up from his nap and is ready for some lunch! Until next time...


Friday, May 8, 2009

I'm Just So Tired...

Of a lot of things. Mostly, I'm just But on a more serious note, part of me is just tired of people. Why do they have to suck so much? The longer I am on this Earth the more I find out that people just....suck. Especially your own family. That is probably why I don't associate with mine much. But this time, something just really set my blood boiling. I won't get into the back story, it would entail too much writing and I just don't have the time, energy nor the desire to drag up painful memories from the not so distant past.

But in this instance, it wasn't so much me that got hurt, but my father. You see, I went to visit family with my dad and my son back in March. He was about 10 weeks old. These family members are older and not in great health and so I really wanted to take him down so they could see him. We had a wonderful visit too. While we were there it was mentioned that another distant, but not too distant family member was critically ill and hadn't even been expected to make it through Christmas and here it was March already. Now, we as a family weren't *close* to the ill family member per say, they were extended family. You know, the kind you invite to weddings and such but you really don't see them every year.

Moving ahead...
My son had his Christening on April 26th, in conjunction with my cousin Ashley's little girl. The majority of our more immediate family was invited. And although I knew the ill family member could not attend, I sent them an invitation anyway because I though it was the proper and polite thing to do. After all, I had sent them a birth announcement for him. I sent out the Christening invitations about 2 weeks before the Christening. So, April 26th rolls around and it's Christening day. Things went great. Ash and I had great food for everyone, an awesome cake and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. Well, with the exception of the drama-loving SIL that has been mentioned in a previous post.

My brother found out yesterday, by chance mind you that the ill family member had passed away. My cousin, Ashley mentioned it because her kids were watching her wedding video and they were pointing out and talking about those in attendance. My brother was shocked. No one had told us. Ashley thought we knew. But no, we didn't. My father has known the departed and their family for over 40 years. 40 years!!! HELLO?! Don't you think someone...ANYONE would have had the decency to call him and let him know so he could attend the funeral or at the least send a flower? After all, someone had to call the rest of the family and tell them. As a matter of fact, 2 of my cousins attended the funeral/viewing. The family members we visited in March knew all about it but were too sick to attend. But no one, none of them could have called and told my dad?! I mean it really doesn't take that much effort. It's not like our phone number has changed! They have called for other things! THIS wasn't important enough to call about?!

Needless to say, my blood is boiling. But it only gets better. My cousin wasn't sure about when the departed family member passed. She though it was in March sometime. March?! Like, nearly 6 months ago. I'm sure the *close* family of the departed thinks my dad is cold and heartless. Real nice! My dad doesn't deserve that. He's never hurt anyone. He doesn't get involved in drama and has never been involved in a dispute. It's pretty lousy to treat my dad like that. Well, I fired up the computer and looked up the obit for the departed. I wanted to know when they passed.


What kind of a jerk do you have to be?! They know we don't talk to a lot of people. We are kind of isolated here where we live. It just angers me to no end. I had half a mind to call said family members and tell them what jerks I really think they are. But I don't want to cause more drama....those people wallow in it enough to cover the entire town. I just feel bad for my father. And it just makes me so angry because I watched them do this same stuff to my mother. And *everything* was going to be different after she died. You know, that whole guilt thing kind got to them. But they didn't change. None of them did. Otherwise they wouldn't have done this to my dad too. And as much resentment that I had for them over my mom is creeping back up for them because they have now hurt my dad too. When will it be enough for them? When everyone is dead? Is that what it will take?

Oh and let's not end it there. How much of an idiot do I look like for sending a dead person an invitation to my son's Christening?! I'm sure the husband of the departed was thrilled to see the envelope addressed to Mr. & Mrs. ___________. I'm sure that just stabbed him right in the heart! How hard is it to pick up the phone? What....are your arms and fingers made of concrete and you can't lift them to dial a number? Have you lost your ability to speak to say, "Hey can you call Yank and let him know?" But that is the least of my anger. I'm tired of seeing the people I love get hurt by people that are family. What is the point of having a family if all they do is hurt one another? We don't do this kinda thing in my house! Yeah, we argue and stuff, but we are not vicious and scathing to one another. I don't get it.


My dad says not to let it bother me. He's brushing it off and not going to let it bother him. That's my dad...avoids drama like the plague. I just can't help be feel betrayed, hurt and angry at these people. The people I put my trust in again...even after they had hurt my mom so much and she died forgiving them but her heart breaking for how cruel they were to her. So yeah, I'm really angry. I will not however sink to their level, although I'd like nothing more than to tell them exactly what I think of them right now and plaster it all over my facebook for a few of them to see. I will remain silent and grit my teeth and say hello when I see them at family functions. I refuse to be like them.

I have to wonder...

If it had not been for the fact that my cousin and I Christened our babies together, and I had Christened him at a different time, if they'd have bothered to even come. Probably not. I'm sure they came for Ashley only, and you know, that's OK. I'll still invite them to other things, and they probably won't come. But at least I will have invited them. And that is what matters. I told my brother..."What comes around, goes around." I'm just waiting to see it for them. And I know it will one day.


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