Friday, September 25, 2009

When it Rains, It Pours...

And I think I'm finally realizing what it is like to let God be my umbrella. I'm always finding myself yearning to be more spiritual than I am. And I think that is a good thing. At times I feel lost and like I don't really know what to do. Is there a certain way I should be praying, am I doing it right? Should I being doing something before praying so that my being a sinner doesn't just cancel it out? Some of those questions may seem silly. And perhaps they are. But I find myself constantly questioning myself and wondering if I'm doing things the right way. As if I don't worship in the proper order it doesn't count. Why do I feel this way? I wish I knew. It is as if I am compelled to do things in an orderly fashion. Everyone I spoken to about God, worship, faith and prayer has told me that there is no *order* that you can simply talk to Him. So, no actual prayers? Like, if I don't say the Lord's Prayer each time, He will still listen to me?

Now you may think to yourself,
"My goodness, this poor woman hasn't the faintest and how sad."
Well, yeah, you are probably right. But that is why I'm having this introspective moment and trying to figure out what it is that compels me to think like this and inadvertently puts up a wall between my relationship with God. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't have complete faith in Him, or that I don't love Him or want to praise and worship Him. I do. I just, always feel like I have to follow some rule or something, otherwise my prayers, my praise and my thanks might not get heard. Why is that?! It's so frustrating. It's so difficult to have everyone tell you that there are no rules, these is no order or pattern that must be followed. But I can't seem to just let that go. What the heck is wrong with me?

I do simply talk to Him. Tell Him what is on my mind. Ask for His help. Thank Him for all the wonderful things He has given to me. But I feel like something is missing. Like there should be more. Even when I do say prayers along with my just talking to Him, I feel like I have not completed something. That I am inadequate. I know that I am, but I am speaking in regards to my relationship with Him. That I'm dropping the ball. I just wish I knew what the missing part was and what I needed to do find it.

So many things have happened over this last week. My brother is still in the hospital and I'm so desperately worried about him. I'm worried about my son getting sick with the same thing. I have my 3rd OB appointment on Monday and I'm worried I won't hear the baby's heartbeat or that something might be wrong. I would go through the details here, but there is so much, I just don't feel like I've enough energy to write it all down now.

I have been talking to the Lord a lot more these days. And it feels good to to able to lay my burdens down in front of Him, I just can't seem to loosen my grasp on them and let Him have them completely. I feel guilty about it. I feel as though He might view me as selfish because I want him to keep my family safe and healthy, to keep my son from getting ill and to heal the infection that is ravaging my brother. Like I am not worthy enough to ask such things of Him. I don't deserve it. And it breaks my heart because I fear that because I don't deserve His mercy, that my brother will get worse, my son will get sick and my family won't stay healthy. Isn't that ridiculous? I know that God is love. That He is unchanging and that what He wanted for us in the beginning, He still wants for us. Otherwise He would not have sent His only Son to be crucified for our salvation.

I mean, He has done things for me that I don't think I could ever thank Him adequately enough for. He gave me a son. A child that I yearned for and never thought I would have. And he is perfect, healthy and just amazing. And not only has He given me Big C, but He has Blessed me with another child who is in my womb. Not just one child, but two. What have I ever done for God to deserve such a Blessing? I am a sinner. My sins hurt Him, yet He still loves me enough to give me the greatest thing I think I could ever ask for, and that is being a mother. Wow, I am just so confused. Perhaps some of this is just *pregnancy hormones* talking and that is why I am contradicting myself somewhat. I don't know.

What I do know is that I want to expand my relationship with Him. I want to deepen it and I want to stop feeling as though I'm not doing something right when talking to Him. Now, I just need to figure out how to do that.



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