So Much Stuff To Do

Literally no time to do it! Oh, it would be great if I had unlimited funds. I'd just have other people do it for me. I'm in my 2nd trimester and I'm waiting for my energy to return. And waiting. I actually got a bit of a wind today and decided to make sloppy joe's for lunch and I'm doing Chicken Parmesan with rosemary roasted red potatoes for dinner tonight. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it.

I've been downing Gatorade and water like no ones business, but I just can't seem to get hydrated enough. No, I don't have a doctor's confirmation on this, but let just say my urine has been orangie (which my OB told me was because I needed to drink more...tests were find, just concentrated urine) for quite some time now. It does worry me, but I'm not sure what more I can do but drink what I can drink without throwing it up from over-doing it. I mean I am getting up at least once during the night for a potty break.

In other news, my brother is still in the nursing home rehabbing. I had not discussed it in the blog prior to now, only a brief mentioning of it without details. And I'll spare you the details, but he was in the hospital for 2 weeks....two different hospitals mind you. The boobs at the first hospital sent him home after only 1 week and he wound up being sent to the other hospital the very next day. After being there for a week, they moved him to a nursing home where he has to continue his treatment and therapy. He was hoping they'd send him home today. But, no phone call from him tells me it's a no go. And honestly, there is no reason why he can't come home. He is taking his antibiotics by mouth and has been for the last week and a half, he's up moving, walking, showering and he needs to have his legs bandaged 2 times a day. Well I can do that part for him. I was there, watched the nurse do it and she didn't nothing special. Just plain old wrapping from toes to below the knee. He is miserable, bored and he misses Big C terribly. And Big C misses his Uncle J as well. Oh and the food....it's horrid. I mean...I have never seen anything like it. He had a piece of lemon cake and gave it to me. I took a bite and nearly gagged. I have never in my life had a piece of cake that was *chewy*. It was so tough and the taste was...*gag*. I barely was able to swallow it and I handed it back and said no thanks! He took a bite and promptly threw it in the trash. Each time I visit him I take him something yummy to eat, as does my Dad. I feel sorry for those folks who are permanent residents there. They have no choice but to eat that for the rest of their lives! And sadly, there are some there that never get a visitor to bring them something yummy to eat and sit down for a chat....or even a smile. I have taken Big C with me twice when I've gone to see him and let me just ell you that seeing a baby just lights up those old folks lives. Their faces light up, they smile and wave and tell him how precious he is and they comment on his outfit or his shoes. Mostly he gets how pretty his blue eyes are. And he is just as happy to look at them and just smile away. And I know that just makes their day as we roll on down the hall to visit Jim, or when heading out to go home.

I'm finally getting my floors done. FINALLY! They will be coming to refinish the hardwood floors (that I never knew we had!) on Monday. After ripping up this decrepit carpeting of course. I cannot wait for it to be over and done with. K has Monday off for Columbus day, but the job will take at least 5 days for completion. I still haven't gotten Big C a Halloween costume yet. I can't make up my mind for what it is that I want for him to be. And time is ticking darn it! I also would like to get some photos done as I'd like to get a jump on my Christmas cards and have been thinking about doing one of the photo ones. But I'm just so darn tired! Ugh, I never have the energy to get on a roll and get this stuff done. Maybe it'll be a little better in the next week or so. :-)

On the pregnancy front, I've mentioned my big u/s is scheduled for the end of the month. Along with my flu shot, Big C's flu shot booster and potentially the swine flu shots as well. I still haven't made up my mind about it. But the fact that 1 in 3 pregnant women who have become infected die, kinda makes me more scared *not* to get it. Also, I'm worried about the baby. No, I don't have any reason to be concerned. *knocks on wood* But I just am. And yes, I've been pregnant once before and not very long ago! But I'm still an expectant mommy and fears and worries swim in my head all the time. I'm afraid they will find something on the u/s or that they will say the baby isn't OK. I really want the end of the month to get here so I can get it over with. I mean, I want to be happy and joyous as I watch my little one moving around and hear that he or she is healthy. But I also am totally ready for peace of mind. The worry is just so hard. I got to hear the heartbeat on the 28th of September, but man, waiting 4-5 weeks to hear it again and to know they baby is OK is just tough!

Speaking of fears. Let me also say that the pregnancy nightmares SUCK! This is my least favorite part of pregnancy...along with hemorrhoids. One of them was that I was drinking alcohol (which I do rarely anyway) while pregnant and did serious damage to my baby resulting in losing it. Then another was the dreaded hemorrhaging upon visiting the bathroom and losing the baby. I can't say enough how much I dislike these nightmares! I had them with Big C as well. And yeah, I had the ones *after* he was born and those are just awful as well. Thankfully, they subsided after the first few months.

Well, I should go, this chicken isn't going to pound, bread and cook itself!

-MoM-

14W and 5D

I love this picture of Big C and my Dad on the tractor. Below the photos are a progression.  Big C fell asleep in his high chair and woke up when he heard the camera click.

I can hardly believe it's been that long already. Part of my brain is trying to figure out where the last 3 1/2 months went while the other part is saying, "Hurry up and give me a baby already!" Well, HELLO brain, we have to finish growing the baby first! Besides, I still have a baby. He'll always be my baby, even though he is growing up so fast. *sniff*

Let me start off with a brief discussion on the weather. It will tie in with my pregnancy post, don't worry. I love autumn. That briskness to the air, without the bite of winter. It makes you feel so alive! I love the changing colors and the smell of fireplaces mingling in the night air. However, what I am not a fan of is dampness. The cold kind. Sure it's fine when it rains in the summer, but when it's cold and you get a downpour places you never knew existed being to ache. It's probably just me cause I'm old. My ankle, leg and knees don't like it at all, thanks to a car accident several years ago. But now I'm finding my hips and pelvis don't either.

So just what the heck is going on? Well, I can't say for sure but it probably has something to do with carrying my little porker around last year. And continuing to carry him this year, outside of the womb as he hasn't learned to walk just yet. And I'm fairly sure it also has to do with carrying my current angel in the womb around, coupled with severe bouts of morning sickness, which I call morning, noon and night sickness(MN&NS), in which I pulled like....every muscle in my pelvic floor from heaving and retching.

I think I know why they don't want to risk letting you try to deliver a big baby (10 lbs+) your first time, but are willing to let you try the second time. Seems those joints and muscles get all loosey goosey even more so the second time around! It still hurts to roll over in bed, walk and stand up! I'm just going to have to be a lot more careful this time, especially since I'm hefting Big C around as well. And he's no feather!

Speaking of Big C I have to give an update. We went for his 9 month appointment yesterday. He is coming along wonderfully! And he must be taking after the Danish side of his father's family because this boy is big. I'm not saying that because he is chubby. Sure, he is greater than the 95 percentile in weight. But he is also greater than the 95 percentile in height/length! He weighs 26 lbs and is 30 inches. 30 inches! Well, he does have big hands and feet. He also got his first does of the seasonal flu vaccine and I was so proud of him. He made just a peep. That was it! No screaming, not even a single tear! That's my boy!!! *Sniff* He's growing up so fast. I love and adore him so. His laughter, smiles, funny faces, everything about him and I've been Blessed to have been given such an amazing son. I have enjoyed watching him develop. I do miss my newborn though. I ache for those days. And I'm sure when he is 9 years old, I will be aching for the days when he was 9 months.

Alright, so back to pregnancy. I've mentioned in previous posts some *realizations* if you will, of Motherhood. Well, at least one of them starts during pregnancy. I am losing my mind! Seriously, if I don't write things down within moments of thinking about them, they are gone. *POOF* Adios! I've heard it called several things, pregnancy brain, momnesia, placenta brain. But man, it can be so frustrating. And in my house people are notorious for asking you things last minute.

Them: "I'm going to the store, need me to pick up anything?"

Me: "What?! Now?! Umm....wait...I think there was something, but I can't remember! Oh dear, was it...no, it wasn't. Shoot, I can't think of it now. You can't ask me stuff last minute like this. I need time to think about it!"

I'm hoping to remember it so I can call on the cell phone and get whatever it was I needed. But of course I won't remember until they are nearly pulling into the drive way. Or worse yet, I have to call 4 times because I keep remembering more things. Bless my husband. He just asks, "Are you sure that's it?" Then he starts giving suggestions and asking if we need this or that to help me out.

I'm also trying to figure out what is going on with my hair. While I was pregnant, I lost hardly any hair...it was wonderful! Then about 3 months after Big C was born it began falling out...like in clumps almost. My hands would be covered in the shower. I am forever pulling it out of the baby's hands, his mouth, off his clothes. So now that I'm pregnant again, I wonder if I'll stop losing it? That would be nice. But I'm afraid that I'd probably go completely bald 3 months after this baby is born. Haha. I shouldn't laugh, but that would be kinda funny. Although I'd be sobbing then, so I can laugh now.

So, I'm 14W and 5D. I went for my third OB appointment yesterday. This time I saw Dr. M and was told when making my next appointment that they will be alternating doctors each and every time. I saw Dr. S for the majority of my pregnancy with Big C, but that was only because I prefer early appointments. Both doctors were there for my c-section and I couldn't have asked for better guys to take care of Big C and I. They did a wonderful job keeping us healthy and safe. I know it was God who sent me in the direction of these two doctors. After all the problems I had had in the past, it was not until I came to see Dr. M that I knew I have found the doctor I wanted to stick with. So I would like to say Thank You, Lord for sending me in their direction!

The appointment started off well. Dr. M gave me some suggestions on keeping hydrated enough. I've been having trouble with that this time around, mostly from all the MN&NS. Then we got down to the business of using the Doppler to listen for the baby's heartbeat. And we heard it! YAY! I was so happy to finally hear my little darlings heart beating with the Doppler. There was also quite a bit of squishing sounds, which Dr. M said was the baby moving. Double YAY! The heart rate was in the range of 150 bpm. So at this point, it could be a girl or a boy. The early U/S had a heart rate of 167 bmp. The 150 range can be tricky. But I'll be happy with either sex. I'll take another boy just as happily as a girl. I just want healthy babies.

The end of October will prove to be hectic. Big C will go back to the doctor for his flu shot booster and I will be getting mine at the same time. I'll also be getting blood work done to make sure my thyroid is in check and that I won't need to readjust my dosage of medication. I'm also scheduled for the *big* U/S, the fetal anatomy one where they measure all the organs, bones and look for any abnormalities. Then my next OB appointment is a few days after. Oh, and to top it off, I've been selected for jury duty! And it starts on the day of my next OB appointment. What a drag! I though I could be slick and be excused since I've served before. But I served 4 years ago and you have to have served within the last 3 years. So I'm going to send in my paperwork, but I'm going to ask to be rescheduled for a medical appointment, explaining that currently I am attending every 4-5 weeks and I'll be happy to serve if they can schedule me either 3 or 6 weeks from when they originally want me. The toughest part will be finding someone to watch Big C for me while I go. I may be able to solicit the help of my cousin, but she wouldn't be able to help me on the days that she works. I have a few friends who would be willing to watch him, but they live too far away and I'd have to get Big C up at the crack of dawn to drop him off 30 miles away. I'll just have to see how it goes. Anyway, I need to get going, it is almost time for Big C to have lunch and then take a nap.

-MoM-

When it Rains, It Pours...

And I think I'm finally realizing what it is like to let God be my umbrella. I'm always finding myself yearning to be more spiritual than I am. And I think that is a good thing. At times I feel lost and like I don't really know what to do. Is there a certain way I should be praying, am I doing it right? Should I being doing something before praying so that my being a sinner doesn't just cancel it out? Some of those questions may seem silly. And perhaps they are. But I find myself constantly questioning myself and wondering if I'm doing things the right way. As if I don't worship in the proper order it doesn't count. Why do I feel this way? I wish I knew. It is as if I am compelled to do things in an orderly fashion. Everyone I spoken to about God, worship, faith and prayer has told me that there is no *order* that you can simply talk to Him. So, no actual prayers? Like, if I don't say the Lord's Prayer each time, He will still listen to me?

Now you may think to yourself,

"My goodness, this poor woman hasn't the faintest and how sad."

Well, yeah, you are probably right. But that is why I'm having this introspective moment and trying to figure out what it is that compels me to think like this and inadvertently puts up a wall between my relationship with God. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't have complete faith in Him, or that I don't love Him or want to praise and worship Him. I do. I just, always feel like I have to follow some rule or something, otherwise my prayers, my praise and my thanks might not get heard. Why is that?! It's so frustrating. It's so difficult to have everyone tell you that there are no rules, these is no order or pattern that must be followed. But I can't seem to just let that go. What the heck is wrong with me?

I do simply talk to Him. Tell Him what is on my mind. Ask for His help. Thank Him for all the wonderful things He has given to me. But I feel like something is missing. Like there should be more. Even when I do say prayers along with my just talking to Him, I feel like I have not completed something. That I am inadequate. I know that I am, but I am speaking in regards to my relationship with Him. That I'm dropping the ball. I just wish I knew what the missing part was and what I needed to do find it.

So many things have happened over this last week. My brother is still in the hospital and I'm so desperately worried about him. I'm worried about my son getting sick with the same thing. I have my 3rd OB appointment on Monday and I'm worried I won't hear the baby's heartbeat or that something might be wrong. I would go through the details here, but there is so much, I just don't feel like I've enough energy to write it all down now.

I have been talking to the Lord a lot more these days. And it feels good to to able to lay my burdens down in front of Him, I just can't seem to loosen my grasp on them and let Him have them completely. I feel guilty about it. I feel as though He might view me as selfish because I want him to keep my family safe and healthy, to keep my son from getting ill and to heal the infection that is ravaging my brother. Like I am not worthy enough to ask such things of Him. I don't deserve it. And it breaks my heart because I fear that because I don't deserve His mercy, that my brother will get worse, my son will get sick and my family won't stay healthy. Isn't that ridiculous? I know that God is love. That He is unchanging and that what He wanted for us in the beginning, He still wants for us. Otherwise He would not have sent His only Son to be crucified for our salvation.

I mean, He has done things for me that I don't think I could ever thank Him adequately enough for. He gave me a son. A child that I yearned for and never thought I would have. And he is perfect, healthy and just amazing. And not only has He given me Big C, but He has Blessed me with another child who is in my womb. Not just one child, but two. What have I ever done for God to deserve such a Blessing? I am a sinner. My sins hurt Him, yet He still loves me enough to give me the greatest thing I think I could ever ask for, and that is being a mother. Wow, I am just so confused. Perhaps some of this is just *pregnancy hormones* talking and that is why I am contradicting myself somewhat. I don't know.

What I do know is that I want to expand my relationship with Him. I want to deepen it and I want to stop feeling as though I'm not doing something right when talking to Him. Now, I just need to figure out how to do that.

-MoM-

It's A New Day

My husband, K had the week off, which was awesome. He hasn't had the opportunity to have a vacation, nor could we afford one, let alone just pick up and go. Which means that he hasn't had time off since Big C was born. It's difficult enough for him to be gone 14 hours a day and get home just as it's time for Big C to go to bed. Needless to say, that doesn't leave much time for bonding. Well, this week has been wonderful for that. So much so that I noticed Big C even preferring to be with K over me! No, that doesn't upset me. His daddy is providing him what he needs. Personally, I think it's because K can lift him high up in the air and do reps with him. I just can't do that....that boy weighs 26 and a half pounds. Yes, I'm a weakling.

It has just been the best week ever. I absolutely *love* watching my husband hold, play, feed, change and read to him, among shushing him to lull him to sleep at night. I don't know about you, but it just makes me fall in love with him all over again. At that moment, he is the sexiest man alive and irresistible and I feel so Blessed to be married to him. I can't explain it. But your child(ren) are the most important thing in life to you and it's just overwhelmingly (is that a word?) awesome to see the person you vowed to spend the rest of your life with, to make babies with and to part only when the Lord above says it's time, love and be just as nuts about them as you are.

It's Tuesday, and he's back to work. I was dreading it, not wanting him to go and it's sucks that I'm home alone with Big C today. But at the same time it was kind of nice too. Big C and I were able to go back and have our quiet morning Mommy and Son time, which I cherish since he's more of a morning person and very smiley in the am. I'm also amazed because he has been playing quietly in his playpen while I did some cleaning up (bottles don't wash themselves you know) and sat down to write this quickly. I think it's the new toy we bought him yesterday. He's been batting it around in there because I hear the music going off.

On the pregnancy front, I had my second appointment with the OB last Monday, the 31st. I was 10W 4D preggo and the doctor was hoping we would be luck enough to hear the heartbeat. But nothing. He thought he heard something but unless it's clear enough for me to hear it too then it's a no dice. He was nice enough to offer to send me for a sonogram if I was worried, or if I was comfortable with waiting another 4 weeks we could try the Doppler again. If you knew me, then you'd know I would jump at the chance for the sonogram so I could have peace of mind. But, I didn't this time. The doctor said everything seemed to be going well, my uterus was growing, which meant baby was growing. So I opted to wait. What the heck was I thinking?!? I have been driving myself batty every few days thinking about it. I'm such a worry wart, I just can't help it. I'm just saying positive. There is a reason my doctor told me when I was pregnant with Big C, "Don't watch those TV shows and don't read things online. Only read the book we give you. That has everything you need to know in it. The stuff they show on TV needs to have drama value and they usually pick the more traumatic which is not a reflection of the whole." OK, how can you *not* read other stuff or watch those shows about babies being born on TV? It's so hard! On the other hand, when you are a nervous wreck because the person on the TV show has talked about her 3 miscarriages, or the person online is talking about their stillborn birth you wish you would have listened to the doctor. So take it from me, a hormonal, emotional naturally worrisome when not pregnant woman. Don't watch or read that stuff!

Other than that, I've been sleeping terribly lately. I was told to thank my hormones for that. I'm still very tired too. That should be subsiding soon, as should the morning sickness. Which I have to say, hasn't been too bad the last few days. I can feel my rings getting a bit tighter too. And some of the lower back pain has started, but it's not too bad right now. So far so good. I'm looking forward to my next appointment which will be the end of this month. We should hear the heartbeat then since I'll be 14 weeks. That will make me feel much better. :-)

-MoM-