It's Been A While

It's kind of hard to put into words the past year.  Too many milestones, events all that jazz have happened.  And since I've mentioned numerous times how neglected this poor blog is, well it is no surprise that it's been well, neglected for the past year.

See, I thought I would be able to write down all those cute little anecdotes, sayings, events here in this blog and be able to go back and read it years from now and say, "Oh, I remember that!"  And I will, because I wrote some of it down here.  But, as they say, life happens.  And I'll be honest, I've been too busy living in that life to sit down and write about it.

I have to tell you that I did have plans to sit down and write a catchy little blog post after my kids were blissfully tucked into bed.  I could sit down with a nice glass of wine or even a cup of coffee, relax and write about the things on my mind, what occurred during the day/week or even just to brag about my kid a little!  But seriously?  Who the hell am I kidding?  When I put my darlings, and they really are by the way, blissfully to bed, I too am headed to my bed.  I'm wiped out.  I might have 20 minutes in me to read a little, but that is about it.  To actually sit down and write out a blog post? HAHAHAHAHA yeah, right.  I'm way too brain fried for that.  Not in a bad way either.  So please don't think that I'm saying I'm so exhausted from my children that I can't function longer than 20 minutes after they go to bed.  I am exhausted from living this wonderful life.  A life with my best friend, our two awesome kids, my dad and my brother.  I love this kind of exhausted!

Big C and Little C are doing great.  I know it sounds cliche, but I am so blessed....really!  I deal with the fear, that I'm sure nearly all parents deal with, that I'm not doing something right.  That my kids won't grow up to be good, decent, moral individuals who can think for themselves and choose to do the right thing, no matter the situation.  These are the years that are so impressionable.  I am their example of...well lots of things.  What a human being should be, a woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister.  I am their role model.  The person they will choose to emulate and try to become like.  At least for now I am.  That is a huge responsibility.  Little eyes watch me all the time.  I'm not perfect, at all.  I'm like....really, really far from perfect.  So they are already getting a flawed perception of what to strive for.  But I do go to bed at night wondering if I gave them a good example.  If I was a positive role model that day.  Can I do better tomorrow?

And sure, I'd love to write about what runs through my mind. Except, I'm too tired from trying to put those thoughts into action each day.  So while I won't be winning any blog awards or burning up the web with millions of followers waiting with baited breath for the next installment of my life, I will stop here occasionally and write stuff down.  It might not be stuff you want to read about...but hey, it's my blog so neener, neener, neener!  If you are OK with me just blowing in every now and again and jotting something down, then I'm A-OK with you reading it every now and again.

So what have we been up too?  Well.....

Big C is now in kindergarten.  Hard to believe.  I cried on the first day of school when he climbed on the bus.  Like...ugly cried.  And I cried again on the second day too.  And...I still longingly watch the bus at it pulls away everyday.  Don't judge me.

He is also learning martial arts and he's doing really well with it.  So this happened.....

He earned his green belt the end of September.  He will be a green belt for a minimum of 4 months.  He has a lot to learn during that time.  But, I have faith in him.  I absolutely love watching him practice martial arts.  It has really helped him learn to think for himself.


Little C is in PreK.  I also cried, on the same day, just a few hours later when the bus picked her up and took her off to school.  So that is 2 ugly cries in one day for me.  Not a record, but impressive nonetheless.  I stare longingly as her bus pulls away everyday too.  She is also learning martial arts.  She isn't as excited about it as Big C, but she always has fun while she is there.  So this just happened with her........

She has now earned her Distinguished Senior stripes on her white belt.  She looks excited doesn't she?  She wasn't.  I kept telling her to smile.  That was the best she could muster.  I have a love/hate relationship with watching her during practice.  She is 4, so she is still in that rainbows, glitter, unicorns pooping skittles, twirling around and not paying attention phase.  Sometimes I'd like nothing more than to run out onto the floor and tell her to knock it off and pay attention, but of course, I can't.  So, I just cover my eyes, like I'm watching a scary movie (although I totally don't do that with movies, I love scary movies!) and peek at her through my fingers.  Sometimes, she really surprises me!


Oh yeah....this also happened...........

 No, you don't need to adjust your screen.  You don't need your glasses either.  That is K, also taking martial arts!  He decided that not only would it be fun, good to learn and benefit his health, but that now he and the kids have one more thing they can do together!  He just earned his white belt the end of November.  I am super proud of all of them!  This is my crew!  My clan!  My family! I love them!  And this is why I'm so tired!  That my friends, is the best feeling.

So how about you?  Have you thought you wished you had more time to do something, but found you were so busy living life that you just never got to it?  Were you OK with that, or were you disappointed?  Why did you feel that way?

School Days

I don't write on this blog much, so forgive the massive gaps in time.  But the whole reason I even started was to write down experiences that I have with my children and life with them.  Which is awesome.  But sometimes there are those little tidbits that I like to share with others.

Big C started Pre-K this year.  He was in the 3 year old program last year, loved it and did an amazing job.  This year, Little C is in the 3 year program.  Little C is my firecracker.  Those teachers have their work cut out for them, trust me.  She's not a bad child, but she is ornery and mischievous.  She's also loving, sweet and a just an all around gem.  Her giggles and belly laughs are simply infectious!  She does have her ways, however.

Today was Big C's 2nd day, and Little C's first day.  If you know Little C at all, you will know that she has a favorite hat.  Its a Boonie hat.  She wears it All. The. Time.  So she naturally asked me this morning if she could wear her hat to school.  I told her no.  I told her that she didn't want to make the mistake of losing it at school or getting something on it and ruining it.  She was sad but recovered quickly and went on with our morning routine.  Here she is wearing her hat.

Little C in Her Favorite Hat

After giving the kids their vitamins, doling out drinks before we leave and making sure I have all the forms to be turned in to the teacher, we head out the door.  I sweep Little C into my arms and into her car seat, fasten her in and listen to the excited chatter of both my angels as I turn the key and roll out.  I remind them of their manners and of being a good friend to the other children in their class.  We go over sharing and taking turns and to remember to listen to their teachers.  I take Big C to his class, he gives me a huge hug and kiss and scampers off into his class to play with a few of his friends from last year.  I then take Little C over to her room and before we even get there she makes a bee line for the room.  She's so excited, its really cute.  I hand the teaching assistant the forms and pop my head into the room.  Little C is sitting down at the table putting a puzzle together.  I ask her, "Hey?!  Where is my hug?!"  She jumps up, bounces over and hugs me tight before racing back to her seat and the puzzle.

I come home.  And cry.  Then I call my best friend, Cheer.  We talk about first days and how its normal to miss them and be lonely.  Because I am.  Like, really lonely.  Both of them are at school this year.  So the house is empty.  I used to at least have Little C when Big C was at school!  I chat with Cheer for a bit and before I know it, pick up time rolls around.  I can't wait.  I've missed them so much. I jump in the car and head over to the school.  I get there early.

As I pull into the lot and park, I can see the playground, but not very well.  I can make out a child in purple (pretty sure that one is mine) and watch them all playing for a few minutes.  I'm hoping mine is behaving.  I see the teachers calling the children together to cross the parking lot and walk back over to the school classrooms. I can see Mrs. S has Little C's hand as they begin to walk across the lot, but...this child is wearing a hat.  I thought to myself, 'That little stinker found a hat in the dress up bin similar to hers and adopted it as her own...man she is clever!'

After a few minutes the door unlocks and all the parents go inside to pick up their children.  I get to Little C's classroom first and her teacher calls out to her to come to the door.  Mrs. S then tells me that my daughter had a hat stuffed inside of her shirt so she let her wear it today and that it was fine if she wanted to wear her hat to school.  I looked her, pretty incredulously I might add.  But...I made her leave it home.  Just then Little C bounded out of the room, wearing her hat.  The hat I told her she couldn't take to school.  The hat she stuffed under her clothes, smuggled into school and did not pull out until she was certain I was not around.

Big C & Little C on Her 1st Day of School - With Her Hat

Imma have to watch this one! *wink*

-MoM-

Sixteen Years

Today.  This is the day I lost my very best friend, my rock, my inspiration, my reason, my world...my Mother.  Sometimes, it doesn't seem like that much time has passed.  The hurt as fresh and raw as that very morning.  Ever since that day, I've never been able to "get past" my feeling of profound loss.  Everyone told me, time heals.  I'm here to tell you that it absolutely does not.  It does not heal, but it changes.  It changes the way you feel, how you perceive how you embrace and deal with the pain and loss.

Let me see if I can explain this a little better.  When my mother left this world to be with Jesus my world collapsed around me.  Everything I ever knew was gone.  I had my brother and my father and extended family, yes.  But the core of my everyday life was gone.  The weight of that was terrifying.  I was confused, scared and not sure how I was going to be able to survive.  All of that was mingled with utter loss.  I'd never felt so empty.  Never had I experienced such a deep and resounding loss.  Hollow, so hollow for that first day all I did was echo what others said to me while never really listening.  The person I loved the most in all of the world was never coming back.  There was also anger and betrayal.  Not at my mother, but at those caring for her.  How could they let this happen?  Didn't they understand she was someone's wife, mother, sister?  What was she just another body in a hospital bed?  A complicated medical case that no one wanted to deal with? A bother, inconvenience?  Betrayed by God.  I prayed all the time for Him to make her better.  From the time she first got sick when I was just 6 years old.  Doesn't God listen to a child's prayers?  I sat and prayed over her through the night for days while I sat by her bed in the hospital...it was all for nothing wasn't it?  How could He have done this?  How could He take her from me?

That paragraph up there is a whole lot of ugly.  I still feel the anger.  I will always harbor that until the day I die because I know in my heart the truth.  I know how complicated my mother was viewed as being.  That is one thing that has not healed, lessened, changed with time.  But the other things have changed...a lot.  Only time can let you see a tragedy in such a perspective.  So what has time changed?

Thanks be to God, I still have my father and my brother.  Back then I realized that my mother did raise me.  I was still at home, still going to college but I was 21.  Even though I didn't think I could survive, she taught me everything I needed to know.  I took over paying bills, managing a household...even breeding/showing the dogs & horses.  I will say it was a bit harsh because even though I knew how and had watched my mother do these things, I never had the luxury of just picking up the phone and calling her to make sure I had done things right.  If I did something wrong, I dealt with the consequences and learned from those mistakes.

The loss.  That...well that never goes away.  Sometimes, I think it gets worse depending on where you are in your life.  For me, any accomplishment, goal, milestone I reach in my life...that profound loss returns because she is not there to witness it.  Like a diamond it has multiple facets.  There is nothing her absence does not touch.  My first real job, being able to give me advice or words of wisdom.  Meeting my boyfriend/fiancee/husband, having girl talk and reassuring my heart on things when I was scared or hormonal.  My wedding, helping me plan it out, to be there when I walked down the aisle with the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with.  My pregnancies, to bask in the sheer joy and talk about everything baby!  Names and colors and to daydream about who he/she will look like from our family.  The birth of my children.  I think that has been one of the most difficult.  Not just wishing she was there for the actual birth.  But to be able to have 3 generations all together.  To have her to ask questions since babies certainly don't come with instructions.  When I struggled with my emotions and frustrations.  When I really could have used her comfort and wisdom when I was dealing with PPD.  With Big C's colic and Little C's reflux went full tilt, her advice would have been invaluable.  Did I have colic, or did my brother?  Things that she alone knew about raising her children, she wasn't able to pass on to me, because she wasn't here any longer.  Every little thing my children do, reminds me of her.  First smiles, first words, first steps, first birthdays.  Accomplishments, first day of pre school, Big C's martial arts classes, cute things they say or do.  How they hug each other and say, "I love you!"  How they fight like my brother and I did do.  How she would have been an amazing grandmother.  How much she would have loved them, and how they would adore her.  If you follow and read this blog at all, you'll see how her absence comes up in the most mundane or simple things...like last month's Grandmother's Luncheon.  When thinking of or planning future events with my children, I think of her and I miss her dearly, wishing that she could be here to experience them with us.  The loss my friends....time never heals...it only changes.  I still miss her on my own.  I am still reminded of how much I miss her, what her arms felt like around me, the sound of her laughter, her angry face, her beautiful singing...everything that I have been missing for the last 16 years.

Betrayal.  God had forsaken me.  Time does change that perspective.  I know now it was my pain crying out, desperately wanting someone, something to blame because this just wasn't supposed to happen.  Yes, it happens to other people, but not me!  Certainly not me!  It took a while before I understood exactly where my mother went, who she is with and why.  I realized that all those years I spent praying for God to make my mother better weren't wasted.  Because instead of taking her right then, He did make her well.  No, not healed, but well enough to continue to be with me for another 15 years until He couldn't wait any longer.  He did that for ME.  He put off the inevitable because I asked Him to.  Up until that very moment she left me, as I laid in bed holding her.  I asked Him not to let her suffer, to come for her and take her with Him gently and quietly.  And He did.

Sometimes, when I look at the big picture, I can see God's handiwork.  The loss of my mother left me very lonely.  It pretty much forced me to meet and talk to people.  Both people from my past, and those brand new.  If my Mom hadn't gone with the Lord when she did, I probably would not have met my husband, which means I would never have had my children.  I really don't know how life would be now.  I like to think I'd have taken a similar path and that I still would have the life I do now, only with her still in it.  But who is to say?  Only God and my mother know why things turned out the way they did.  I still grieve for her.  I miss her so, so much.  I want my children to know the kind of person their grandmother was, so I tell them about her often.  I do my best to remember things I heard as a child that are specific only to our family so that my children will teach them to their children one day and we will live on through them.  So to end this entry, I'll leave you with a little song that my Grandmother wrote while mourning the loss of her own mother when she was just 19 years old.

One night while I was sleeping,

My sisters at my side.

I heard a voice from Heaven,

"Your dearest mother has died."

Remember now dear children,

Remember one and all.

For when you lose your mother,

You've lost the best friend of all.

             -- Margaret Lindeman

Why Don't I Have Mom Friends?

I don't know!  I do have friends. No, honest I do!  Well I guess what I'm saying is, I don't have any "mom" friends locally.  Like, at my kid's school and stuff.  I suppose its hard to make friends just because I stand outside the school, every morning and engage in the briefest of idle chatter until the door opens.  I mean I am sociable! All of my friends are people who knew me before I had my babies.  Its making new ones I'm not very good at.

It really kind of hit me today because it is the last day of school for Big C and I've realized that I did not form one relationship with any of the parents at his school.  He is now taking karate classes, and after 2 months, again I've not really established any connections with anyone there.  This is going to trickle down to him sadly.  This will mean very few, if any play dates with his classmates over the summer break.

I'm feeling like a pretty sucky mom right now.  I know the issue is me.  Obviously.  I don't seem to have much in common with the other Moms.  I'm older than a lot of them and they have kids older than mine too.  So when they are talking about the kindergarten class at blankety blank elementary school, other moms will hop into the conversation because they also have kids there....and my oldest is only 4!  Perhaps I'm slowing down in my old age and just not as chatty with people as I once was.  I don't even make new friends in the circles I used to make them in all the time.  Times have changed, or perhaps, only I have.  Have you noticed that about yourself?  That say 10 years ago you'd have been social with anyone in an instant, but these days, it seems you have nothing else in common with people?

-MoM-

There Is A Rock In My Stomach

That is sort of what it felt like at first.  Then dread set in and finally a gnawing, unrelenting sorrow.  Followed up by a healthy dose of selfishness and chased back with a double shot of guilt.  Last week, Big C came out of his classroom with a paper in his hand.  A reminder about the Grandmother's Luncheon on Friday May 10th.  I froze at seeing it, then just put it out of my mind. I dropped him off on Friday and the board outside of the the classroom had a note about needing RSVP's for the lunch.  I had that sinking feeling again. Again, I shook my head and pushed it out of my mind.  Just because I felt compelled to do it...it is not a good idea.  It only comes back to haunt torment suffocate you later.

I picked him up that afternoon and he came bounding out of his classroom so excited to see me and bursting to tell me something.

"Guess what Mom?  We're gonna have a lunch!"

There came that feeling again. His teacher hurried out to hand him to yellow pieces of construction paper.  On the front of it, artwork done by him.  Little finger prints made into butterflies and bugs.  On the back, a white sheet of paper adhered to it.  It was an invitation.  Two of them.  One for each of his grandmothers.  He turned to take them from his teacher and his little face fell a bit as he said,

"I only have one grand mom."

She patted his little hand and said he could just keep one then.  I looked at her and my face must have had written what I was feeling all over it as she looked at me sympathetically.  I told her his grandmother lived in Oregon, and the other...was gone...passed away.  She asked if perhaps he had an aunt or other female relative who could bring him.  Again, his only aunt is across the country.  I told her I'd ask his Godmother if she could go with him.  The rock that was sitting in my stomach became heavier with each step toward the car.  Once inside he asked me if I was sad.  This kid misses nothing.  I told him that I was a little.  He asked me if it was because I missed my Mommy and I was barely able to choke out a simple "yes".

I suppose for me, it would be one thing if both of his grandmother's lived far away.  Perhaps I would handle it better.  They simply couldn't be here because of distance.  Not that they couldn't be here...ever.  But my mother will be gone 16 years next month.  She was too young to die.  She should have been able to see her only daughter get married and finally have babies for her to love and spoil.  And I feel like she was robbed of that. I know I know, that sounds so terrible to think that way.  But I can't help it.  I don't feel like this all the time.  Only when things like this come up and that pain is rubbed raw once again.

I did call is Godmother, who is busy with 4 babies of her own.  She was excited at being able to go with him, and my heart lifted that he wouldn't have to miss it.  Unfortunately one of her children has a field trip that she is chaperoning on the same day.  She was terribly disappointed.

Call me a baby, immature.  Tell me to suck it up and get over it if you want.  Roll your eyes and huff about how this won't be the last time.  Things like this are going to happen again and I just have to get used to it.  To that I simply say NO. No I will not.  I will never get used to my mother being dead.  Gone for me, no longer tangible.  I will not get used to seeing my son saddened by not ever being able to see, touch, speak to or hear his grandmother's voice.  A grandmother who so desperately waited for the day to come that she would see a grandchild.  I know I shouldn't let this get to me.  But I look at him playing, hear his sweet little voice and look at his precious smile and it just eats away at me.  It is unfair to him.  He doesn't understand why people die and why they can't just come back.  Other children might just dismiss it completely.  Big C is a very intuitive and sensitive child.  He notices things.  This will not be the last time, I know that.  But this time.  This very first time, it breaks my heart.  It sits as a stone in my belly, my heart sinking down to the same level.

Saddened as I am at this situation, I will not allow it to be a sorrowful experience for him.  So on that day, when school is over and the children meet up with their grandmothers, I will be picking him up and taking him to lunch.  Just he and I.  Little C is going to stay home with J & my Dad while Big C and I have this special day together.  After lunch, we are going to the movies and then if he isn't too tired, to the parlor for ice cream and to play a bit on the playground there.  Hopefully it will be a day he will be able to remember.  Not as the day he couldn't go to the Grandmothers Luncheon because one Grandma is far away and the other is dead, but a special day he spent with Mommy.  I have so many of those.  Days where my mom got me out of school early so we could go to lunch and a movie before my brother got out of school.  I can remember those days like they were yesterday.  She did the same with my brother while I was in school.  It was her way of showing us that we were special to her alone, in a way that only we as individuals could be.  She loved us both and treated us both equally, but always made sure we knew it separately as well.

Mom, help me to be half the Mother you have been.

-MoM-

Scream Free Parenting 101

I'm not teaching, I'm the student.  I stumbled across a book I bought for my Kindle app way back when Big C was just a wee infant.  Determined that I was going to rock this parenting thing and do everything right.  Then he began to grow up.  And I began to question what is *right*?  I starting realizing that there isn't a right way.  What works for one child, doesn't for another. So then what do you do?  When everyone says time outs are the answer but your child could care less, what do you do?

I know what I do did.

I yelled. Screamed. Made my frustrations verbal.  I was throwing a tantrum, at 37 years old because my child didn't listen to me.  My child is throwing a tantrum because I am not listening to him. Hmm, this is rather reciprocal isn't it?

I've also been discovering that what works with Big C, doesn't seem to work with Little C.  I need to get crafty about this.  The first step of changing how I'm parenting is to stop being a 37 year old toddler and yelling and screaming when things don't go my way and discover another method to get my children to respond favorably to my direction.  Not only that, but how to handle things rationally so I can then reprimand them in a way that will make then think about why it is being done.  Not just...'Mommy is yelling again.'

I've decided that I'm going to stop yelling and start listening to my kids. I am not going to scream at them.  Oh I will scream, but I am going to do my very best to make sure it is not AT them.  I will walk away, go into my room, the closet, outside and scream there.  Count until I get myself calm, then go address the situation.  I will ask them questions calmly, that way they are more apt to actually answer my questions.  If I scream "WHY DID YOU DO THAT?" I will continue to get the same frightened answers of "I don't know". Not to mention it is embarrassing.  I do everything in my power to not yell at my children in public.  Why?  Because I don't want people looking at me like I am a bad mother or that I can't handle having a child?  Yes, that is part of it.  That and because I know I should be able to handle things in a mature manner.  So why shouldn't I employ that at home as well?  Why aren't I doing everything I can to not yell at them at home? Plus, I just don't want to be a screamo shrill mother.  I mean screamo is appropriate for some stuff, like Cradle of Filth.  But overall I'm not a big fan of screamo in my music choices.  Why should I be content with that kind of parenting? I'm not and I'm going to attempt to change it.

Will I have set backs and failures?  You betcha. Am I going to just lose my crap and go off. Mhmm, I will.  But I'm sure my children are going to appreciate my not doing it *every* time.  Will my children respond better to me?  I hope so.  I know 1 thing for sure.  Yelling and screaming doesn't get me results.  It doesn't work.  That is why I don't want to do it anymore.  Their little brains are so complex to me.  It's time I stop trying to hammer and ram the pieces of their puzzles into place.  Gently piecing and discovering the right pattern is my new goal.  I have a feeling they will fit much better that way.

-MoM-

~ 100 ~

One Hundred Things About Me -- For My 100th Post (in random order)

1. I'm baking a Jewish Apple cake while I type this.
2. I'm addicted to office supplies.  Mostly pens, clips and Post It notes.
3. My most favorite thing in the entire world is kisses from my children.
4. I hate clutter, but I keep finding it.
5. I love to read, but have dry spells that can go a year or more.
6. I prefer cake over pie.
7. I think I can't stand my brother, but I know that I really love him.
8. I don't have many friends. The ones I do have, I don't talk to as often as I'd like.
9. I procrastinate.
10. I miss breeding and showing dogs.
11. I sing songs to torment my kids, just like my Mom did to me.
12. My normal body temperature is 97.9° F.
13. I miss singing karaoke.
14. I love to cook & bake.
15. Watching Spongebob Squarepants is my dirty little secret.
16. I'm terrified that either of my children might get a fatal illness.
17. I know more about dinosaurs because of my son than I ever could have imagined.
18. I miss my Mom and wish she were here to watch the kids grow..
19. I have never been whale watching, but would like to someday.
20. I have had surgery 4 times. My right eye, right leg & ankle and 2 c-sections.
21. I used to have a flower garden.
22. My favorite color is Orange.
23. My children are my life.
24. I love the smell of puppy breath.
25. I wish I'd gotten my judges license.
26. My Mother was going to name me either Margaret, after her, or Heather, but chose Stacey instead.
27. I never learned to ice skate, and I really don't want to learn.
28. I love the sounds of the night in the country.
29. One day I'd like to see the Northern Lights.
30. I wish I could knock this house down and custom build its replacement.
31. I had a hard time choosing names for my children. If Big C was a girl, he would have been named Aurora Margaret. If Little C had been a boy, she would have been Nolan James.
32. I wish I could do carpentry and basic electrical stuff.
33. I still have a hard time believing K loves me as much as he does sometimes.
34. I miss wearing a watch.
35. I am a psycho mom, never letting my kids out of my sight.
36. I miss my Grandmother.
37. I wish I'd had more time with my Grandfather.  I have only a few warm wonderful memories of him.
38. K was my first love.
39. I appear super outgoing and chatty to people, but I'm really not.
40. I love the smell of cut grass.
41. My oldest friend is Shannon.
42. I rarely eat ice cream.
43. I look at pictures of my children when they were babies and cry being overwhelmed with love.
44. I am very conservative.
45. I hate onions, the texture not the taste.
46. I am afraid to die and leave my children motherless.
47. I just bought my first firearm.
48. It will be followed by more.
49. I can't stay up as late as I used too without suffering the consequences.
50. I have arthritis in my knees.
51. My favorite holiday is Halloween, I love doing the make-up.
52. I am a hard core soda drinker, mostly diet, but I want to kick the habit.
53. I have been cigarette free for 4 years.
54. I love snowballs.
55. I dissect my steak/meat before eating it.
56. I have never done illegal drugs.
57. I cannot have certain foods touching on my plate.
58. I have been out of school for 19 years.
59. I am not a cat person.
60. I am a great bubblegum blower.
61. As of today, I will be a Karate Mom.
62. My second favorite color is yellow.
63. I am a good listener.
64. Sometimes Christmas music makes me cry.
65. I love God, but don't always understand Him.
66. My favorite sounds are my children saying, "I Love You, Mommy"
67. I craved Ice Pops & snowballs when I was pregnant with both my children.
68. I am so tired of stinkbugs!
69. I sing in the car...loudly.
70. My favorite animal is the Elephant.
71. I like wide open, green places.
72. I am terrified of tornadoes.
73. I ♥ Doctor Who!
74. I am pretty sure I will always be a fan of Christopher Walken.
75. I miss K's father.
76. I rode an elephant once when I was a kid.
77. I have been on an airplane 2 times.
78. I have been to 12 of the continental United States.
79. I've been wiping butts for 4 years.
80. I was pregnant 18 out of 24 consecutive months.
81. I've assisted in C-Sections on my dogs.
82. I am working on being a scream-free parent.
83. I wish I were healthier and in better shape.
84. I'm working on it.
85. I love a gorgeous kitchen, too bad I don't have one.
86. The perfect temperature for me is 78° F
87. My blood pressure was once 223/109, I was in a lot of pain.
88. I am sucked into the show Black Orphan.
89. Labyrinth is still one of my favorite movies -- Little C's too now.
90. I only have 1 sibling, a brother, J.
91. Sometimes get baby rabies and want a 3rd child.
92. I am completely content with the 2 I have.
93. I am blessed to have K as my husband.
94. I wish K's family lived a bit closer to we could see them more often.
95. I used to wear acrylic nails, I don't anymore.
96. I haven't cut, colored or highlighted my hair in over 6 months.
97. I wear shoes until they get holes in them or fall apart.
98. I buy clothes once every few years.
99. My birthday is January 5th.
100. I'm addicted to carbohydrates and need to kick the habit.

It was so hard coming up with 100 things about myself. Easy to see I'm not a frequent blogger since it took me 4 years to get to 100 posts.  So here is to the next 100, eh?  Cheers!

-MoM-

Boggle...it's Not Just A Word Game

It is what I find my mind doing a lot lately.  I'm a passionate person.  Anyone who really knows me can tell you that.  I've felt myself pulled from one end of the emotion spectrum to the other in recent months.  I'm pretty happy with life at the moment, where it concerns my family.  Its the outside world that just boggles, terrifies and fills me with dismay and hope at the same time.  Being a passionate person, I'm not very lukewarm on any issue.  I don't always see things black and white. But when I see it clearly as one or the other, I hold my ground.  Everything from abortion, to terrorism to economy to the 2nd Amendment, I have my own very clear lines drawn.  But what I can't seem to wrap my head around is if people are really actually listening to what they are saying? Or are they taking sides based on what mainstream media tells them to believe rather than make up their own minds and look at the big picture?  I don't know.

I want to talk about some of the things I have on my mind in the next few weeks.  Some of is a bit older, but still on every ones mind, like the Newtown shooting.  Others will be as recent as the bombings at the Boston Marathon.  Some will be international, such at the passing of Margaret Thatcher, and intimately local, like the gun legislation in my state.  I doubt I will discuss them in chronological order, but rather how it applies to what I am feeling at the time.  I'll also have some tidbits of non-current event stuff...like what's happening in my life and with the kids etc peppered in between I'm sure.  We've had our own brush with tragedy in the past 6 months that I will eventually share as well.

 I'm not a political analyst. No, I'm not a political blogger or a journalist.  But I am a mother.  This is the world my children are growing up in.  These issues are important to me not because of how it affects me, but how it affects my children now, and in the future.  So if you are wondering why I'm talking about these things, when my blog is dedicated to my children and family, you now know.  Everything that happens in this world directly affects them....sooner or later.

-MoM-

You've lost someone.  One of the most instrumental human beings in your life.  I'm sorry.  I can say that I've been there, and I have.  I can say I understand the pain, and I do.  I could tell you that it gets easier with time.  But then I would be lying.  Because it doesn't.  It just gets different.  Nothing I could say can ever make things better.  So I just don't say anything.  Nothing anyone ever said to me ever made me feel better.  Even though I know they meant well.  That part of your life, the huge chunk that is no longer there, is going to suck.  Nothing will ever fill it completely. 

What I can say is this.  I love you.  I have since the moment I met you. I always will.  There isn't another person in this lifetime that I'd rather be with and have as my partner, the father of my babies, my best friend and my husband.  You are my one.  I wish I could just make it all better.  I can't.  If I could, I'd take the pain you feel into myself, so you wouldn't have to feel it.  I can't do that either.  Makes me kinda good for nothing doesn't it?  Except for one thing.  I love you and that will not change.  Always remember that.  You are my other half, the part of me that was always missing.  Let me be that for you.  Let me do the one small thing I'm good at.  Let me comfort you, be your safe place, your shoulder, the one you never need to cover up your feelings with.  It isn't much.  But it's all I have.

-S

Earthquake Schmerthquake

I didn't feel it.  Not a thing.  I wasn't sleeping or half comatose from lack of sleep, I was just chilling out with my kids watching a movie.  I'm not saying there wasn't one, just that I didn't get to feel it.  So I'm slightly pissy about it....I miss out on some of the more exciting things like that.  Happily, no one was hurt.  But yanno...it might have been cool.

The knee jerk panic that occurred, well it was a bit dramatic, but I mean come on, imagine 30" of snow dropping on LA.  If you've never dealt with something like that, then yeah, people are going to go a little nuts.  Looks like people did return to normal quickly.  So kudos peeps!  We are a bunch of the awesome!

I Thought I Knew

For a while there, I thought I knew who I was, what I was doing and what my goals for the future were.  I'm not so sure anymore.  I've been withdrawn lately.  Seems the only thing I really even get joy out of lately are my kids.  While often I feel like I'm on the verge of a freak out, they are still my greatest joy.  Honestly, I don't know a parent who doesn't feel like losing it sometimes.  Children are a test of patience and understanding.  But I wouldn't ever change having them.  Sometimes I wish I could grab hold of myself and yell in my own face to get myself together.  Motivation has reached almost a non-existent level while the feeling of being alone is bigger and badder than ever and stubbornly refuses to take a hike.  I feel like a stranger to myself and everyone else, well I feel like I barely even know them.  My husband, brother, Dad and even my extended family.  Why do I feel this way?  I think, I'm just tired.  Tired of always being the one to put forth the effort.  I'm really pretty much done with trying to be the best friend with the ear to bend, while so rarely I am able to bend the ear of others.  I'm tired of putting forth energy to be playful, romantic, flirtatious and fun in my relationship to have it answered with nothing at all.  And I'm tired of always being the go to girl when someone needs a favor.  My days of being a sucker have come to an end, at least for now.  I know they will return, it is just my nature I suppose.

Where does that leave me now though?  I don't know.  Floating in a sort of limbo I suppose.  Stuck in a funk I just can't seem to shake off.  At least one thing stays constant.  I'm stupid crazy about my kiddos.  Even when I want to rip every hair out of my head because the 2 yr old keeps pushing his sister and she screams if I walk away from her, even if it is a mere 3 feet and I am within sight.  I'm so thankful for my babies, because when I'm with them, I am who I really want to be.  Except when they have me tearing my hair out. :-)

-MoM-

A Beautiful Daughter Turns 1

My Little Girl so Soft and Sweet

Author: Ashley B. Schuster

My Little Girl so Soft and Sweet,
So steadily my heart does beat
With love for you like you’ll never know.
I’d give the world to watch you grow.

Snuggle closer to me still,
Even more with love my heart does fill.

How quiet and still the house is now.
It’s hard for me to imagine how
One day you won’t need me as you do now.
You’ll grow to be a strong, beautiful woman
And have children of your own.
And your sweet, innocent sounds
That made this house a home,
I will store inside my heart,
Dreading the day when we will part.

But until then you’re mine to cherish.
Memories of these moments
I will never allow to perish.

So snuggle closer to me still,
Even more with love my heart does fill,
For my little Girl so soft and sweet.

Happy Birthday To My Darling Boy

My dearest darling little boy,

I've watched you grow over the last two years and can hardly believe my eyes.  No words could ever express how much I love you my sweet, sweet baby.  This song describes how I feel so closely.  My son, I will always love you and you will always be safe...in my arms.  I love you.

Love,

Mommy

 Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curley cues
Your contagious smile
And as i watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight

Knowing clouds will raise up
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books full of fairy tales
Kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies

Knowing clouds will raise up
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you

Clouds will raise up
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms.  

--Plumb, In My Arms

Almost To A Close

While this year has presented me with the greatest joys and deep heartache, I am thankful for them all.  It has been a long time since I've blogged.  I've been busy with my life and kids and to be perfectly honest, I've lacked the motivation.  I wish I was able to be on top of my game and hammer out a week's worth of posts over the weekend and set them to auto-publish.  But alas, it just isn't the way I do things.  I blog when I am moved to do so.  So I'll attempt to catch you up, bare bones version.  Adding details would only add to the length of a post that will be long enough already.

On September 24, 2010 my baby girl turned 6 months old.  We went to the pediatrician and got her weight and height.  She was perfect.  Right on target.  I was happy.  That evening, K got home from work and had to leave shortly after to head over to the hospital for a sleep study.  I snuggled into bed for the night.  I love K, but he can snore like no ones business.  So it was nice to have the bed to myself and enjoy a quiet, full nights sleep, provided kids didn't wake up.  At 12:27am my phone rang and it was my MIL in Oregon.  I immediately knew something was wrong as she'd never call that late.  I could also tell my her voice that she was very distraught and upset.  The words I heard over the phone will forever be ingrained into my soul..."Dad was killed in a motorcycle accident tonight."

I almost dropped the phone.  Still blurry-eyed and half asleep I stammered and stumbled over my own words, in shock and not able to even get them out right.  Sparing the details as it is still very painful to even think about, I found myself faced with having to drive to the hospital in the wee hours of the morning to tell K that his father had been killed.  How do you do that?  How do you wake him up out of a hospital test and say something like that?  I had no choice.  After driving home he booked the first flight he could get which was later that morning.  

It pained me not to go with him.  But I had the babies here and it just wasn't possible at the time for all of us to go.  I loved my FIL.  He was a wonderful man and just the nicest person I think I've ever had the pleasure of meeting.  I instantly loved him the moment I met him.  He was soft spoken, gentle, amazingly talented and the perfect Grandpa.  My son adored him.  When they were here visiting in April/May, each morning when Big C would wake up, he'd run looking for Grandpa. It breaks my heart that he and Little C will not know what an amazing man their grandfather was.  They have to miss out on him and on their grandmother, my Mom who was my absolute hero.

Part of the reason I've been absent in blogging for so long is trying to find the words to talk about something so painful.  Sometimes writing helps, and other times...you just can't find the words and have to wait until they come on their own.  Despite the unpleasant things that have happened this year, I am thankful that I still have my Dad, who turned 72 last month.  I'm also undeniably thankful that I have 2 beautiful, healthy, intelligent, happy and amazing children that I should be thanking God for, out loud each and everyday.  And though at times I forget to say my prayers and thank Him, I am eternally grateful to Him for all He has given to me.  While I mourn the loss of my dear FIL, I am also thankful to have been able to know him.  That is a blessing in itself because of the man that he was.  My life is more enriched because he was in it, even though the time was too short.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting as this year approaches it's end.  I've alot of things to think about, changes I want to make and looking for the new year to be better than the last.  I'll do my best to make it better, the rest, I'll leave up to God as He really does know best.  I'd like to leave you with a few photos of my FIL...doing what he loved and with who he loved...motorcycles and his grandkids.

George William Jones
Aug. 31, 1946 - Sept. 24, 2010

The Vulcan

Wordless Wednesday - Cuteness

Such A Long, Long Time

It seems like it has been forever.  I'm sorry.  I really wish I could be one of those savvy bloggers who can have posts written ahead of time and schedule them to publish so readers have something to read.  I also wish I was able to sit own and pound out a post about some current event, something everyone is talking about while it is actually still a current topic instead of something that happened 4 months ago.  I'm not one of those people as much as I have tried to be in the past.  I'm sure I'm no more busy than any other momma blogger out there.  I just suck at time management maybe.  I really do love blogging, but sometimes there are just things that come before it.  Perhaps it takes me longer to process through things before I can jump on the bandwagon and begin hammering out posts about my life.

The truth is my family has been turned upside down.  When I find the strength to write about it, I will.  Just when things seemed to be going fantastic.  I was kicking PPD's ass, I was freakin' Susie homemaker, I was Super Momma and in an instant that all fell to the wayside because a tragedy hit hard and cracked my hard outer layer and my soft gooey center has found its way to the outside.  That soft place I sometimes share with people that I have a very deep trust.  I found myself with out tape, bandages, a band aid and have been doing my best to keep it contained.  My family and friends are also dealing with their own hurt and the last thing they need is me unable to hold back my own.  Sure misery loves company, but not this kind.  So bear with me as I sort through things and do my best to still be the person I always have been, though somewhat changed.  I'd like to share even this part of my life with you.  But I can't until I'm ready.  I'm getting there.

-MoM-

Sign Language For Your Baby: Special Guest Post

Hello everyone!  Misty of Baby Sign Language has agreed to write a wonderful helpful article to introduce everyone to sign language for your baby.  This is something I've taken a great interest in myself, especially since my son has been showing frustration when trying to tell me what he wants.  It is much easier for them to get across their meaning via sign language!  I hope to have Misty spot light more posts in the future!  Please read below and make sure to visit the web links provided.  The web site is amazing and full of information, videos and flash cards to help you get started, or continue teaching your baby to sign!

How To Adapt Baby Sign Language For Your Baby

Baby sign language is a cool way to communicate with your baby before your baby can actually talk. To learn baby sign language you need to have a signing system that you and baby can understand. The most popular system is American sign language for babies, which is used all over the world. Once you have begun signing, however, don’t be afraid to adapt baby sign language to make it work for you. As long as you and baby understand the signs you are using that’s all that matters! To adapt baby signing to make it work for you and your baby, remember these five simple words…

1. Fun
2. Repeat
3. Encourage
4. Learn
5. Adapt

1. Fun
Baby sign language needs to be fun – that is your number one goal. If it’s not fun your baby won’t learn anything and you won’t enjoy teaching baby sign language. To adapt signing to your needs, find ways to include signs in all the fun activities you do every day. Sing your signs, tell stories with them, sign in the car, sign when playing together, sign while out shopping. Create a warm, fun environment when teaching Baby Sign Language – your baby will begin to sign much sooner.

2. Repeat
Repetition is the key to teaching baby sign language. Babies need repetition of a new sign for around two months before they start to use it themselves. Start with your favorite signs and repeat them as often as you can.

3. Encourage
It’s important to encourage your baby whenever he tries to make a sign – even if you don’t know what he’s trying to say be sure to give him loads of encouragement with good eye contact, a positive tone of voice and lots of hugs and kisses. Praise him just for trying. When you understand what sign he’s making, respond by letting him know you ‘get it. This will build his confidence to try again.

4. Learn
Once you and baby have mastered the basics you can start to expand your signing vocabulary. Introduce any new signs slowly, and remember to have fun, repeat and encourage all the time. It’s best to stick to one group of signs at a time, such as food, colors, shapes, or animals. Once these have been mastered, move on to a new group. Don’t forget to use the signs you’ve already learned while you are introducing new ones.

5. Adapt
Remember – Mommy knows best. If you or your baby find a sign difficult or something doesn’t work for you, it’s fine to adapt baby sign language to suit. Make up your own signs. The point of Baby Signing is to improve communication and give your little one the tools he needs to tell you what he wants or how he feels. It’s your language – who cares if no one else understands it? Adapt learning Baby Sign Language to fit your needs, and remember to have fun along the way. 

I'm A Guest Blogger!

You'll find me over at Good Girl Gone Redneck this week.  I did a guest blog post for her, and I'd really like if everyone stopped by and read it.  I tried to be very open, honest and bare bones in this post.  It is something that reached way down deep inside and I wanted to share it with everyone.  Living More In The Moment is the title of my blog post and something I think all of us can do a little more of.  Just click the link and it will take you too the post.  Don't forget to follow Andrea on Twitter as well!  She is one of my favorite bloggy & Tweety friends, she rocks.  So what are you waiting for?  Go on over and read my post, and don't forget to get addicted to Andrea's blog too!

Wordless Wednesday - I Haz A Sheep

Little C at 5 Months

I can hardly believe that she is 5 months old.  This update is a bit late since she turned 5 months old on the 24th.  I'll try to get her 6mo update closer to the actual date!  She is such a happy little thing.  Smiles constantly.  Day & night difference from those first 3 1/2 months.  Colic & reflux is such a bitch.  It really is.  I'm so glad it is mostly over.  We still medicate for reflux, but it is being managed really well and under control.  So without further delay, here is the update!

What she is wearing:

- 3-6 months can still wear some 0-3 but anything with feet she is busting out of...lol.

- She is wearing size 3 Luvs.
- Huge smiles on her gorgeous little face!

What she is doing:

-Getting up on hands and knees and rocking violently!

- "Talking" to us.  A lot.  She is very vocal!  Lots of coos and babbles & she can get loud too! 

- Smiling.  Big broad smiles, with and without the tongue sticking out.

- Laughing.  Every now and again I can get her going with some deep belly laughs.

- Kicking, reaching, grabbing, shaking and mouthing on everything she can get her hands on.

- Looking at the TV, watching Big C and anything near her.  Her head is on a swivel!

- Snuggling.  Moreso than before, she really likes to be held to your chest and snuggle.

- Gripping items/toys/blankets/burp cloths.

- Pulling her pacifier out of her mouth with her hand & looking at it.  This cracks me up.  She is so intent with the inspection of the paci.

What she is eating:

- Enfamil Nutramigen - 5 bottles - 7ozs. each.

- Prevacid (for reflux) - 4mls 2x daily

What she is growing:

- Finally getting some thicker eyes lashes.  Hoping she gets K's or she'll hate me.  Big C has his father's long thick lashes.

What she likes these days:

- Music -  Especially my singing, but enjoys the music channels on TV and likes the radio too.

- Books - She is very engaged with Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar .
- TV - I usually have to turn it off because she gets distracted and won't take her bottle.

- Getting raspberries on her belly.

- Playing with her feet.

- Me playing with and sniffing her feet and telling her they stink...lol.

- Shaking her rattles, toys that crinkle and jingle.

- Being carried upright since she has much better head control now.

- Still loves her swing, but starting to get bored some days.  She is ready for more action.
- Massages after bath.
- Being swaddled.  I pretty much have to swaddle her every night to get her to go to sleep in her bassinet. Way different from Big C.

What she is saying:

Babbling & cooing up a storm.  No words.

What we are working on:

- Tummy time to strengthen neck muscles.

- Rolling over strengthening back muscles.

- Sitting more upright to practice for when she tries to sit by herself.

- Rocking back & forth on knees