Thursday, July 15, 2010

Telemarketers - They Have To Eat Too

Sure they do.  But why do they have to call ME?  Specifically, why must they call me during preparation of dinner, eating of said dinner, during the high point of a favorite movie or show and when I'm on my deathbed with the flu and just trying to get some rest?

Before the illustrious Do Not Call List, these people were unavoidable.  So here is a little story about how I got rid of them, or at least one of them.

It was several years ago and I was sick as a dog with the flu.  I mean it was going on 5 weeks and I just could not shake it.  The throwing up and all the lovely projectile functions that come along with it were long gone.  I was just tired and achy to the nth degree.  All day I had just wanted to lay down and get some rest.  After taking care of a litter of puppies I had, doing dishes laundry etc, I headed to my bedroom and collapsed on the bed.

You know that point when you just begin to drift off to sleep?  Where you feel all warm and fuzzy and so.perfectly.comfortable?  I was there.  And it felt amazing.  I was going to really fall asleep this time. And then...

I answered with a very groggy, "Hello?"

"Good afternoon ma'am, is Mr. JH there?"  A call for my brother.  Dammit.  He was farting around outside and I was too tired to move to go get him. "No, he is unavailable at the moment, can I take a message?"  Silence.  "No ma'am, I'm calling from N________ with a offer he might be interested in, I can call back later."  I was polite, told him alright and goodbye then hung up the phone and laid back down.  Now, where was I?  Oh yes...sleep.  Again I had made it to that soft fluffy pre-sleep place when...

You gotta be kidding me.  I grumbled as I made my way to the phone, this time I answered more sharply, "Hello?"

"Good afternoon ma'am, is Mr. JH there?"  Another call for J.  Sonofa...."No he isn't.  Can I take a message?"  He was still outside because HELLO it had only been like 5 minutes since the last call!  "Oh that won't be necessary.  I'm calling from B_______ with an offer he might be interested in.  I can call back another time."  I sighed heavily into the phone, but remained polite.  Then proceeded to drag my flu-ridden carcass back to the bed.  I thought about leaving the phone off the hook, but what if someone called with an emergency?  No, can't do that.  Sleep, yes, that's what I'm after.  After about 10 minutes I finally slip into a much needed slumber when...


Alright, that's it.  Now I've flipping had it.  I was about to rip the phone out of the wall, but instead I answered it, literally yelling into the receiver I didn't care who it was at this point, dammit I didn't feel good & I wanted sleep!  

This time the greeter answered a little differently.  "Good afternoon!  I'm calling from P_________ and I've a special offer for Mr. he available?"  I felt my blood beginning to boil.  This is effing ridiculous.  WTF?  Do I have to die in order to get some peace around here? Die.  Now there's an idea!

"No he isn't available" I snapped.  "He died!"


"Oh I am so sorry...I...oh...I umm..uh...I'm so sorry to bother you."  To which I hastily replied, "Thank you.  Now would you people please stop calling our home?  This is the 3rd time in the last 20 minutes that someone has called here.  I'm sick, I'm grieving and I just want to be left alone!"

After stammering and apologizing profusely again, he hung up.  I dragged myself back to my bed and laid down....again.  This time I waited before closing my eyes.  And the ring did not come this time.  Phew.

Six days later I was feeling much better and sitting at the kitchen table when J came in with the mail.  He set it down on the table and I flipped through it pulling my stuff out.  I didn't tell him about the phone incident.  Frankly, I had completely forgotten about it after I woke up from sleeping that day.  As I was glancing through the mail, J spoke up in disbelief.

"What the hell?" I looked at him and asked, "What is it?"

"It's a letter from P_________ saying the are very sorry to hear about the passing of Mr. JH and that his family has their deepest condolences.  They have canceled my account and...THEY CANCELED MY ACCOUNT?  WHAT THE...?"

I said at the table wide-eyed.  OMG...I had completely forgotten.  And before I thought better of it I let out an "Oops."

He looked at me....raging pissed.  Asking me what I meant by "Oops."  So I explained to him what happened, that I was sick and I wasn't thinking straight!  Yeah, J was really, really angry with me.  He called the company and they said the account had been closed because he was dead.  To which J promptly yelled, "How the hell can I be dead if I'm talking to you?"

They refused to reopen that account.  He would have to open a new one.  Which didn't have the kind of credit limit the old one had.


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